[porcupine2]

Originally Posted by Annie Laurie

Hi, Porcupine2,

How are you today? I want you to know that you're always helpful to me, and I'm grateful to you.

Annie Laurie

What a sweet thing to say - thank you.

[porcupine2]

During my manic phase I make the smallest little thing into something so complicated that I don't even know what the original thing was! And unfortunately, it spills over in to the lives of people around me. I'm trying to be much more mindful of this. I have a sign over my phone that says "Think Again". It's has helped some

[Annie Laurie]

I do that, too, and want to learn to think and be mindful before I say or do anything when I'm very stressed or irritated.

I've always told people not to call me after 8 at night. If I even talk with people on the phone after that time, I get revved up and often am unable to go to sleep until the wee hours and then once I lose a night's sleep, everything gets out of kilter again. I realize I strayed off topic there. I do that a lot, but the other night, I was watching TV after 8 (in the dark, of course), and observed a bright light moving up and down slowly on my big window behind the TV from the outside patio. It continued, very slowly, moving up and down, up and down, barely making an progress toward my back door. I thought about moving toward my phone (on charge near the window) to call the police but I was irrationally afraid that if I did, someone or something would leap through the big window and attack me. Very slowly, the light continued in its gradual movement. Was it going toward the door? Finally, the doorbell rang its terrifying buzz. Scared me to death, let me tell you. I yelled out, "Who is it!?" A friend of mine responded, "It's me. I was worried about you since we haven't talked in several days."

Well, she knew I had been in a bad place for the past several months, but she could've called me in the daytime, and I was suddenly furious. I calmly but loudly said, "Well, I'm alive. Go home." She said, "I tried to call you tonight, but you didn't answer." I realized that I had my phone on vibrate because I had been somewhere and needed to silence it and had forgotten to return it to loud. I told her that and apologized.

She left and I gave her time to get home before I decided I needed to tell her how I felt. MISTAKE. I called her and asked her why she felt led to come to my house at such a time. She told me because she was worried about how I was doing because she knew I wasn't in a good place and she hadn't talked to me since Saturday (this was now Tuesday or Wed). I told her I felt she really didn't want to know how I was doing because she never asked me how I was doing -- or how I'm feeling (She doesn't). She told me she disagreed with me. That made me crazy. I asked her how she could disagree with my feeling.

[Annie Laurie]

Anyway, things got much worse. Really awful. My verbal behavior was awful because I thought she was being defensive and I thought I was talking about how I felt when in reality I shouldn't have been talking to her at all. I ended up calling her back (left a message because she didn't answer) and apologizing.

[Annie Laurie]

I can look at what I wrote about saying, "I felt she really didn't want to know how I was doing because she never asked me how I was doing -- " and that's not what I felt but what I thought. It's still hard for me to separate/recognize the difference between feelings and thoughts.

If anyone is reading this, thank you for your forebearance. I hope most people have skipped ahead!

[Rose76]

Annie Laurie - I was spellbound by your story about the light coming through the dark. You have a gift for telling a tale. I am glad you were safe and sorry it did end up being stressful. I know about getting wound up and then very hard to wind down. It's a reason I believe I am bipolar2.

I am coming to understand that bipolarism requires strategies specific to the problems that come with it. I like porcupine's idea of the "sign" over the phone.

I'm going to re-introduce myself as I realize this is the forum I will be spending the most time in. I'm 41, and am faced with alarmingly escalating bp symptoms, accompanied by alcoholism. I was a binge drinker in my 20s and 30s, not helped by a sea-going career. I drank when I was happy, I drank when I was miserable but remained a high-performing guy through it all-sober when I needed to be, all over the map when it didn't matter as much. Kid brother killed himself in 1997 and I haven't been the same since. I had a bit of a breakdown about 6 yrs ago, with panic attacks, the first time I felt I had to remove myself from a job due to my bpolarism. I forget what meds I was on at the time, it might have been Abilify. I've also tried Wellbutrin, Prozac, geodone, and lexapro, with very limited success. Since then, I've managed to stay with a job and perform exceptionally well. It's dealing with the rest of the time that's giving me fits. Lots of free time when I'm not working and this has proven to be the worst thing in the world for someone with my tendencies. At any rate, I've got a very open mind and am committed to listening to any and all suggestions. Hoping also to provide some input to others; it may be suspect, but I like to think that, though I can't always help myself the way I'd like, I am always capable of helping others.

[porcupine2]

hello and welcome (again) gulas. I think it's amazing that you have been able to function well at your job without having any meds. Also good since alcohol and meds together can be a disaster. What are your interests? I know it will sound cliche and you have heard it a million times over, but are there any groups or hobbies that you can explore? We all have our own beliefs, but when I was where you are, I started attending a meditation class and learning those techniques helped me calm down and be more comfortable alone at home. That meditation class also introduced me to other people and encouraged me to inch away from the friends who were part of my bad habits and find new ones who were much healthier and supportive.

[porcupine2]

Originally Posted by Annie Laurie

I can look at what I wrote about saying, "I felt she really didn't want to know how I was doing because she never asked me how I was doing -- " and that's not what I felt but what I thought. It's still hard for me to separate/recognize the difference between feelings and thoughts.

If anyone is reading this, thank you for your forebearance. I hope most people have skipped ahead!

Annie Laurie - your friend could have picked a better time than during the night to check in on you. Was she the one with the light, like a flashlight or something? That would definitely freak me out too. You have every reason to feel the way you did and it's not your fault if she is that easy to upset. If she is so concerned then she should have called you back to talk it through. Don't dismiss your own feelings or overanalyze your reply, you were only being honest. Some people just don't understand what effect their actions have on others.

Well, meditation is actually something I'm hoping can turn my life around. In what was undoubtedly a manic phase, I even sewed some zafu (cushions) several years ago, in preparation for this. They are currently collecting dust-and I am collecting even more. In truth, I need to sit with a group and I'm not in a position geographically or automotively, to access the group easily right at this juncture. I think I need to remove myself from this environment, you are correct in that respect. Took a trip overseas this spring and it did wonders for my mind, body and spirit.

Hobbies, yes. I've developed some bad ones in the past few years. I used to consume books ferociously and swing dance whenever I had a chance. Languages I was good at. All of this has gone by the way side due to my bpism. I consider myself lucky to finish a book a month. I take two steps forward and seven backwards. I am depressed about 80% of the time. I have been a keen student of politics and I have to say, the knowledge of what is actually going on in the world -versus what the networks tell you-weighs heavily on me. The world is often "too much with me" ; too much knowledge of the suffering out there, the rapid decline of the environment. You see, I know where this is heading so it's hard to be upbeat. One doesn't want to have kids in a world like this. Even when I'm manic, there is only the idea that I will "make the best of things", live on and be here for my parents. I know the answer is not retreat but engagement, but I have a difficult time putting that philosophy into practice. Thanks for your ear.

[nacht]

Hi and welcome, gulas. I'm new here too. Everyone has been very kind and supportive. I hope you enjoy your time here.

Annie Laurie, I agree with porcupine2 - your friend's timing wasn't exactly the greatest. It sounds to me like she didn't use her best judgment and you had a right to be upset/annoyed with her. I would have freaked out too if I saw something like that.

[Annie Laurie]

Welcome, Gulas,

I identify with you in many, many ways, and I'm happy you've found your way (back?) here. Thirty years and one month ago today, I had my first day of sobriety from alcohol, which had been my best friend for many a moon. I'm sorry about your brother and the many other losses I'm sure you've experienced. There's a fairly new approach to therapy that I'm feeling a bit hopeful about -- *Dialectical Behavioral Therapy for Bipolar Disorder. I believe there are quite a few practitioners around the country who are using this in groups. I have an appointment with a new therapist in this regard soon. *Try amazon.com for a copy of the workbook on this therapy.

Although at that time, 30 years ago, I wasn't on speaking terms with a higher power, I was desperate, and a 12th step group helped me (This was about 6 months after I took a geographical cure with my work, thinking it would do the "make me better" trick.). Perhaps you can find a 12th step group that works for you or an alternative to 12th step program -- I know quite a few can be found in your part of the country. This forum is helpful to me.

[Annie Laurie]

I am coming to understand that bipolarism requires strategies specific to the problems that come with it. I like porcupine's idea of the "sign" over the phone.

I think so, too, Rose. That's why I'm hopeful that the Dialectical Behavioral Therapy approach will be helpful. (The workbook (same title plus Workbook for Bipolar Disorder) by Sheri last name I've forgotten) is available from amazon.com or your local independent bookseller.) I'm on the waiting list to see a therapist in my area who uses DBT in groups (I think).

[Annie Laurie]

WARNING FROM ME: Too much talking follows.

Yes, she was the person with the flashlight. She later told me she saw something in the awning and felt curious about it and that's why she was shining the light around everywhere. "Don't you know what a curious person I am? she said.

"You have every reason to feel the way you did and it's not your fault if she is that easy to upset. If she is so concerned then she should have called you back to talk it through. Don't dismiss your own feelings or overanalyze your reply, you were only being honest. Some people just don't understand what effect their actions have on others."

I feel so shameful and bad when I get angry. I know intellectually that what you say is true, but it doesn't mesh with my feelings. This friend, alas, is very much like my dear mother who cannot own responsibility for her own feelings unless they are bland and pleasant and nice. My friend immediately gets angry with me if I express anger with her for any reason. I don't mean to make her into a bad guy here, but neither do I want to jump into that role myself.

Feelings just are. I know that. My last long time pdoc told me that when my "what I called 'core-truth of badness about myself' got triggered," that it was JUST AN IDEA I HAD. Well, hell, I knew that. But somehow knowing that intellectually wasn't enough.

I think I'm hanging on to these things instead of owning and letting go. That's what I need to do daily. For me, it's daily. Thich Nach Hahn: Anger and anything by Pema Chodron.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by Annie Laurie

The workbook (same title plus Workbook for Bipolar Disorder) by Sheri last name I've forgotten) is available from amazon.com or your local independent bookseller.

That would be The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook for Bipolar Disorder by Sheri Van Dijk. Thanks, Annie Laurie. How would you like to add it to our Bipolar Recommended Books -- Worth Reading thread?

[madcapzany]

Hi, I am 50 yr old woman diagnose with bipolar just over a yr ago after a suicide attempt which landed me in the hosp, they kept me for 5 days (against my wishes, of course...you may know how that is, some of you)...I am still trying ti get to a place in my head where I am glad that I was found "in time", and I can work again, and function normally in society. I rarely go out now, my motivation is usually zero or lower, and I actually become very anxious when I even think ofgoing out (I used to be very social, but when I look back..I am not even sure that was me!) and although my p-doc and loved ones keep saying it will be just fine, it will get better, etc...I don't know how to get there. I see many posts on this site that mirror my feelings and experience, and some that give me hope for recovery.

[wackywidow]

Originally Posted by nacht

Another new person. I was actually diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2005, in what was supposed to have been my last year in college. I lost my insurance coverage in 2006 and stopped taking medication, and tried to deal with things without any help. This past April, I picked a fight with my boss that resulted in me quitting my job on a very unpleasant note, and proceeded to spend nearly everything I had on expensive clothing. I didn't even care about the lack of income because I was convinced I was going to be rich anyway from writing three books and starting my own clothing line. (...if you guessed that I don't even know how to sew, you would be correct.) I won't go into details, but that wasn't even the worst thing I did.

Long story short, I ended up at the hospital where I was started on Depakote. The medication seems to be working, though it's taken getting used to after so long with no meds. The thing is, now I'm having to face up to the huge bills and the debts I now have to pay, unemployed, and that is not helping my stress levels one bit. I really need a regular doc but I'm on the county's waiting list and there's no chance before March of me getting in to see anyone. I'm just exhausted and mortified and really just sort of want to hide from the world for a while. But I know that can cause a depression spiral for me, so right now I'm trying to work past how tired and discouraged I'm feeling. I finished my degree when my family had written me off, and I'll find a way to get through this too.

Nice to meet you all.

Boy, do you sound like me! I am all alone as well ... except for my friends here at PC. I too know what county "wait lists" are like. I just lost a friend to suicide because they didn't receive help in a timely fashion. He left a wife and three small sons ... and no income. Currently, I am without a T for similar reasons. I want a choice in my T. My provider says I ave to take the one they are "contracted" with. The H*LL with that. My mind is too valuable to me to entrust it to just anyone. Oh well, that is another issue!

Glad you finished your degree. CONGRATULATIONS! I bet you felt empowered! I did the same thing, but needed a lot of help during the last semester while I was practice teaching a bunch of 4th graders. After graduation. I choose another vocation and did well with it until my physical health completely broke down and I became permanently disabled both physically and mentally. However, I have made the best of it by staying involved in advocacy work for the disabled.

Try and work out a budget and do not be afraid of Food Pantries, Thrift stores, etc. It is hard to go into those places when you are use to being self-sufficient. I had to do it, and it was the best thing that happened to me. I learned how to budget quickly ... tho' sometimes my mania would send me on a shopping spree (usually returned everything - wrong sizes, colors, etc) ... the depression that would follow was almost intollerable.

Between LOL from friends, I am making it OK ... by MY standards. I get by with little these days. I can't take anything to heaven but myself.
Whatever you do don't hide from people. It draws you into yourself when you need to get out of yourself.

Holler back when you need to. Don't be afraid of us here; we don't bite ... at least we are not suppose to.

[nacht]

Originally Posted by wackywidow

Glad you finished your degree. CONGRATULATIONS! I bet you felt empowered!

I did, thank you! It took me ten years all told to graduate, but better late than never.

Try and work out a budget and do not be afraid of Food Pantries, Thrift stores, etc. It is hard to go into those places when you are use to being self-sufficient. I had to do it, and it was the best thing that happened to me. I learned how to budget quickly ... tho' sometimes my mania would send me on a shopping spree (usually returned everything - wrong sizes, colors, etc) ... the depression that would follow was almost intollerable.

I have no idea where the local food pantry is, but I will look that up. You're right, it's hard to even consider it, but I've got to eat and have sufficient clothes like everyone else.

(Oh manic shopping sprees. I remember this one time that I saw a dress and liked it so much I bought it in every color they had available without trying any of them on. Fortunately none of them fit me so I was able to return them, but geez... I mean it's funny now, but then, yeah, the depression that followed was particularly awful.)

Whatever you do don't hide from people. It draws you into yourself when you need to get out of yourself.

Holler back when you need to. Don't be afraid of us here; we don't bite ... at least we are not suppose to.

I'm trying hard not to do that. Thank you and everyone else for being so kind and responsive. I may have days where I need to rant, so hopefully that's okay.

[wackywidow]

Nacht, you go right ahead and rant when you have to. No one will judge you, or anything about you. We have all been in the same "canoe" at one time or another ... sometimes, without a paddle, so we just drifted down the great river of Life and through some terrifying "rapids" and "whirlpools".

Keep in touch! I roam around PC quite a lot. You never know where I will "pop" up. If you wish to be friends, I am OK with that.

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by nacht

I have no idea where the local food pantry is, but I will look that up. You're right, it's hard to even consider it, but I've got to eat and have sufficient clothes like everyone else.

I had to go on food stamps for awhile right after I finished undergrad because I was in AmeriCorps--voluntary national service--so I was making $680/month and our rent was $725! Then my fiance (now hubby) quit his well-paying job because it was horrible and we were up a creek, so I swallowed my pride and got on food stamps. It was so embarrassing to go to a grocery store and have the clerk not know how to handle food stamps back when they were paper, while everyone glared at you for holding up the line. For someone who grew up in a (lower) middle class home, it was practically unimaginable to take public assistance!

But it got us through. Eventually another job came along before my benefit eligibility ran out. I hope never to be so strapped again that I have to take a calculator to the grocery store and keep a running tally of the bill as I shop. But I still shop at thrift stores - I can often buy nicer clothes at thrift stores than new on my budget.

[Annie Laurie]

Hello, friends,

Something nice happened. I attended the free bimonthly group for people with bipolar disorder for the first time. It was a happy surprise. I arrived early and found chairs arranged in a circle, so I selected one for myself. The door was locked, so I followed directions and rang the buzzer and was let in by a friendly person who showed me the room where we were to meet. She offered me coffee which I declined because I was already buzzed up due to one early morning cup of caffeine in a cup of joe. After waiting alone in the room, I did go back to get a bottle of water after waiting five or six minutes. After another 10 minutes or so, a well-groomed fairly young man arrived and took a seat and we introduced ourselves. He told me about the support group and himself briefly and I forgot about my previous decision to keep my mouth shut and just listen and open my mouth and talked and talked until another person walked in who sat on a table and engaged in conversation with the young man while she was watching a sports event on her android device. I felt irritation rising in me, but I'm glad I didn't say anything because she was the facilitator. In a moment, she sat, introduced herself, and got things going, letting me know that there are usually quite a few more people there. The hypomania that had been especially triggered by the large cup of caffeine I'd had that morning was jittering around in me and after both of the others had talked didn't help me keep my pledge to do a lot of listening. I did a lot of talking, but I could hear myself and do a lot of judging myself, and do a lot of judging myself, judging myself. And I did a lot of talking about trying to do meditation and trying to practice mindfulness and trying to stop judging myself. It was rather funny if it hadn't been so painfully earnest and buzzy. Amazingly, though, the young man was/is also on the path of mindfulness practice, and was very helpful so when I said things such as, "I must be repaying a terrible person in a prior life," he responded that what I was saying really wasn't true; otherwise, I would be here as a lizard or even lower life form.

He asked how long I was able to sit (in meditation), and I responded, "Maybe 30 seconds," and he said by next time (two weeks from now), maybe I could be sitting 45 seconds.

... so perhaps there is some hope...

or some humor

... and I read that of course I am never going to have it all together and I accept that ... for now.

... and I am remembering to breathe in

... and breathe out, in gratitude and compassion and love

for all of you,

[wackywidow]

Nacht, have you done your homework on the food pantries, thrift stores, and the like. We have a "Soup Kitchen" run here in my town. Another place is a St, Vincent DePaul facility or Salvation Army or a "Y". I used some of these until the paperwork went through on my Food Stamp allocation. Check with your county's social services. Most will lead you in the right direction.

While leaning on this type of help is not easy, it does take some emotional pressure of you so you can deal with your BP more effectively.

Keep me posted. Send me a PM if you want. Hang in there, I know you can do it.

[wackywidow]

Originally Posted by Annie Laurie

Hello, friends,

Something nice happened. I attended the free bimonthly group for people with bipolar disorder for the first time. It was a happy surprise. I arrived early and found chairs arranged in a circle, so I selected one for myself. The door was locked, so I followed directions and rang the buzzer and was let in by a friendly person who showed me the room where we were to meet. She offered me coffee which I declined because I was already buzzed up due to one early morning cup of caffeine in a cup of joe. After waiting alone in the room, I did go back to get a bottle of water after waiting five or six minutes. After another 10 minutes or so, a well-groomed fairly young man arrived and took a seat and we introduced ourselves. He told me about the support group and himself briefly and I forgot about my previous decision to keep my mouth shut and just listen and open my mouth and talked and talked until another person walked in who sat on a table and engaged in conversation with the young man while she was watching a sports event on her android device. I felt irritation rising in me, but I'm glad I didn't say anything because she was the facilitator. In a moment, she sat, introduced herself, and got things going, letting me know that there are usually quite a few more people there. The hypomania that had been especially triggered by the large cup of caffeine I'd had that morning was jittering around in me and after both of the others had talked didn't help me keep my pledge to do a lot of listening. I did a lot of talking, but I could hear myself and do a lot of judging myself, and do a lot of judging myself, judging myself. And I did a lot of talking about trying to do meditation and trying to practice mindfulness and trying to stop judging myself. It was rather funny if it hadn't been so painfully earnest and buzzy. Amazingly, though, the young man was/is also on the path of mindfulness practice, and was very helpful so when I said things such as, "I must be repaying a terrible person in a prior life," he responded that what I was saying really wasn't true; otherwise, I would be here as a lizard or even lower life form.

He asked how long I was able to sit (in meditation), and I responded, "Maybe 30 seconds," and he said by next time (two weeks from now), maybe I could be sitting 45 seconds.

... so perhaps there is some hope...

or some humor

... and I read that of course I am never going to have it all together and I accept that ... for now.

... and I am remembering to breathe in

... and breathe out, in gratitude and compassion and love

for all of you,

It takes time to "browse" PC. Sometimes the same topic shows up in different forums and threads. I have done that and have found the a thread I started already existed under a different title.

Good Luck!!

[nacht]

Originally Posted by wackywidow

Nacht, have you done your homework on the food pantries, thrift stores, and the like. We have a "Soup Kitchen" run here in my town. Another place is a St, Vincent DePaul facility or Salvation Army or a "Y". I used some of these until the paperwork went through on my Food Stamp allocation. Check with your county's social services. Most will lead you in the right direction.

While leaning on this type of help is not easy, it does take some emotional pressure of you so you can deal with your BP more effectively.

Keep me posted. Send me a PM if you want. Hang in there, I know you can do it.

I have. There are a couple of thrift places near me, but the closest food pantry I know of is a bit of a drive. I'll make it if I have to, though, even if it's just for basic things (I haven't been out of college so long that I've forgotten how to survive off creative uses for ramen, lol). I'm also starting to feel better which is helping a lot with motivation, so there's that - I've had a good couple of days.

Just filed an application for food stamps, waiting on that to go through. *crosses fingers*

[wackywidow]

Originally Posted by nacht

I have. There are a couple of thrift places near me, but the closest food pantry I know of is a bit of a drive. I'll make it if I have to, though, even if it's just for basic things (I haven't been out of college so long that I've forgotten how to survive off creative uses for ramen, lol). I'm also starting to feel better which is helping a lot with motivation, so there's that - I've had a good couple of days.

Just filed an application for food stamps, waiting on that to go through. *crosses fingers*

I will do that, bur I will also fold my hands in prayer,as well.