open flood gate confused

uggh we're off and the flood gates are open!!!

My mom came down for thanks giving weekend. Any and every time my mom and sisters are together my mom will start a feud with one of us. I was filled with the anticipation of something happening so I had decided to go to a bikram yoga class the morning before I would see my mom that day. I thought this would help ground me and calm me down.

After we all met at the pumpkin patch and had a tailgaiting, well the stress for me kept building, my mom had handed me a card earlier so I opened it . It was will about how proud she is of us and our parenting blah blah blah, my sister was standing there talking to me and I couldn't even focus, I am just getting flooded with memories and hurtful things my mom has done, more like a tidal wave. So I am standing there and I just crack,in front of everyone. I just could not hold it together. My sister took me aside for a walk. Particularly got things flowing, as I know she didn't mean or truly think any of what was written.

I have never had anything like that happen in quite that way. I know there is a pose we do in yoga that is suppose to open your chest and heart and they say you will feel a lot of feelings. I don't know if that's what happened. I do know that I felt particularly protective of myself from my mom, I have had to work extremely hard over the last 6 month's to look remotely stable, and I know that could be all undone with a few of her passive aggressive or guilt statements.

the whole weekend I spent on tip toes, just waiting for a fight to burst somewhere, and it didn't happen, which is a relief but almost weird. I love my mom I just wish she could be a mom . She's the only parent I have and sometimes I just really need my mommy. Like the past 6 month's that I have been doing so bad, but she's not there. I do want my mommy, I just don't want to have to wear armour to be near her.

(((((((anika))))))) Very good choice on the yoga before this weekend visit. There is nothing to be ashamed of about crying, where ever it is.
Your work on yourself over the past 6 months is something to be proud of.

Maybe your mom picked up on you having alittle more self-confidence.
You say the past 6 months have been very difficult, up & down. I don't know your past with her, sounds tramatic.

I'm sure she loves you, as much as she's able to, or knows how to.
Everybody needs a momma or a mother figure for support.
Forgiving isn't easy but possible, with or without her being there for you.

Hang in there & take care of YOU!

Some people just don't know how to be a good parent. My mom is a self absorbed mess and although she is biologically my mother, she has always been more of the child....

Thanks so much Kindachaotic, for your words of support, I have gone to a lot of therapy and worked on a lot of forgiveness. I'll admit it is hard to keep up with the forgiveness when she is constantly coming up with new things to forgive.

My mom and your mom sound a lot alike from your threads. I know my mom has had a very traumatic life and I know she is not mentally healthy. I try to keep that in mind and leave room for her to be human. But it's hard knowing she had been on meds for years and refuses real treatment or is unwilling to change. She is the child in the realationship. After all these years I still miss my mom and I am finding accepting that it will always be this way very hard.

I have pretty much stopped trying to reach her unattainable standards she sets, that she herself cannot meet. She even expects the grandchildren to be the adults in her relationships with her. But the last few times of me needing her say when I was hospitalized for psychotic mania and she wasn't there, not even a call. And it just stings. I am always there for her, and maybe that's what has to change , I don't know.

Anika ... I am truly sorry to see this thread. Even after seeing all of the posts on this site it still amazes me that the ones that have hurt us the most are the ones that we love the most and need the most during these times.

I don't know what words to use in order to comfort you. All I can say is hang in there. You seem to have pulled yourself out of deeper holes before. No one should have to do that over and over again. But keep at it. You seem to be heading in the right direction.

I guess I am just feeling a real sense of loss and emptiness after she left.

Yeah, I totally understand....totally. You HOPE one day they'll change, but change never happens and it's disappointing, hurtful and sometimes (like today) brings me to true anger.... Today I wrote a horrible post "Payback is a *****!", because I'm sooooo mad that I'm always the parent and she always expects for me to let her use me as a talking post. She whines and groans to me with all her woes, but god forbid if I'm having an issue were I just need to talk or at least just can't deal with her gripes....

I find when I'm needy I lose my patients with and for my mom.... I just can't deal with it. She's going to have to take care of herself until I'm well and stable. Then, perhaps I will again have clarity regarding her own issues and how she will NEVER be able to support me. She just doesn't have it in her.

I know how you feel.
My mother spent most of my life either ignoring me or attempting to emotionally blackmail me in order to have her way. She'll go out of her way to help my younger sister (when my sis was evicted, she bought her a house, just as an example) but if it's me, nothing. I was hospitalized for a psychotic mixed episode a few years ago, and she wouldn't visit or even call me. She didn't attend my college graduation either.

There's always some excuse as to why she can't help me, or talk to me, or deal with me. I wish I didn't care as much as I do. It stings, it really does.

The only thing I've been able to do is distance myself from the situation and try not to take her behavior to heart. That is so, so hard to do, and my dad's made several remarks about missing how I used to come around more for him to talk to. But I can't do it. I can't deal with being in their house feeling like I'm just tolerated, it's not healthy for me.

It's like.. you always hope they'll change, you know? We can't choose our family the way we can choose our friends. It's even harder when they frustrate the crud out of you but you can't help but be there when they need you, even if you know they won't do the same for you.

That's why I didn't call my mom back today when she needed me.... I want to break the cycle. The cycle of me being there for her and she can't or won't be there for me.

my mom moved to Saudi Arabia to work shortly after my parents were divorced, My dad had already taken off. I was left to the streets at 14 through till 18. A lot of horrible things happened in my life at the time. I also had many major psychotic episodes and didn't have a clue what was happening. I think that is a big issue for me and my mom. I have tried to work through it the best I can . Even if I don't fully understand how this could have happened. Right now I am really feeling it tho, and feeling really confused, feeling too many things all at the same time.

((((Anika)))

I know how hard it is to deal with, that's horrible you were homeless at such a young age.
You'd think your mom would have guilt or something, however my mom wasn't much better and my sis and I were taken from her because of neglect and she doesn't seem to have any guilt either. So sorry your dealing with this, it's very painful.

I'm so sorry all of you have gone through these things with your parents. I've been lucky, my parents have been so helpful especially my dad. I would think it's best to keep your distance from any of these toxic people. It's unfortunate that they refuse to get professional help. Don't let them bring you down. Is there someone you work with or in your life that is somewhat like a parental figure? Maybe in-law's, coworkers, aunts, etc There are good people out there, but sometimes it's hard to open up to them.

For me personally, I find that I open up in a superficial way very easily, but have my guard up regarding letting people get to know me real well. It's a trust thing....to open up means exposing myself on a deeper level...that means possibly getting hurt, rejected or abandoned. All of which have been done to me by my mom.

I'm trying though...I met a friend at the hospital, she was in for depression and we became very close because we were roommates. We've kept in touch through email and I'm going to see her Sunday. I like her a lot and we became attached at the hip the moment we met and that doesn't usually happen with me, because I'm so guarded- So this is a big step for me, but worth taking to get to know a new friend.

This will be the first "new" friend I've had other then at work or completely superficial in years.... Pretty pathetic huh? Never mind don't answer that...lol

(((djmart))) I am sorry you and your sister went through that. That must have been very scary.

I spent the rest of the day in tears, I guess maybe there was still a little mourning to do. I'm sure no matter how much I forgive and try to let go these things will suface from time to time. Always seems to be when I am not expecting it. I spent the day and evening on my couch. I've cried a lot my eyes are sore. But I've told myself I will feel these feelings today and then put them away tomorrow. I really don't want this to pull me off track.

Sheba, yes I think we all need someone older to look to for guidance. That's one thing I haven't had yet. I have no aunts in unckles, cousins or grandparents and my father passed away. I haven't found any parental figure yet and I think that's what I'm sorely missing.

Had no idea the depth of what you've been thru. Please pardon my generic response above. Just know us mothers on here would "save" you if we could!
To be honest I'd be confused too, she's out there in the world but not a mom for you. A deep aching pain most people never have to experience. Remember, none of this is your fault!!!
We are always here, in cyber space.

It will surface from time to time as you said...it just does. I think we are triggered by them, sometimes when we least expect it. I know I've thought "oh, I know how she is...self absorbed, etc.", however I still have thought well if I "really" need her she'll do her best and when that doesn't happen...it hurts and makes me angry.

I like you have no parental figures (No aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents). My neighbor is older and we have a sort of connection, however I hate to tell her my woes. In 09' when I downed all my pills my husband called her to see if I was in the home, since I was MIA. She used her house key we gave her for emergencies and found me in a coma. So, I've already put her through a lot!

For me personally, when my mom upsets me I have to avoid her for awhile and it helps me gain prospective on the situation.... She knows not what she does!

*hugs for everyone in this thread*

I'm so thankful every day for my boyfriend's family. They've been so supportive, even through their own problems. I can talk to his mother about almost anything. My mother... like dijmart, I have to step back for my own sake fairly often.

Anika, I am so sorry you had to go through that. My heart goes out to you.