Is anyone ever scared?

Hi everyone! Sorry I havent posted in awhile. I usually get on here more when Im at work (I work nights all by my lonesome) and am still trying to not sleep all day....) Something has been on my mind and wanted to get some thoughts on it....

Are any of you ever scared that you will become a statistic of suicide? Sorry to ask this so bluntly.....I just read so many things about Bi-polar and the suicide rates are so high....and I wont lie that I havent had thoughts, but would never, ever carry them out....but Im sure those people had those same thoughts at some point in time....and then the switch just flipped.....Does there come a point with all of the medications, the changing of medications, the doc appointments, the sleeping, the insomnia, the guilt, and all of the other negativity that bi-polar causes, that you have just had enough, and your switch flips....evidentally we will all have this disease the rest of our life....do you ever worry that it will get the better of you? I try not to worry, but you cant help it...and of course part of the work that I do for a living, you cant help but be aware of it (I work for the coroner's office). My meds are good for now, and of course I try to live in the now, but its always there in the back of my mind.....anyone else out there with thoughts on this?

Hello XrayDiva!

I think about it too. In fact, I attempted it years ago and almost became one of those statistics. I think the realization that this bipolar will be a part of us for the rest of our lives is a scary thing. I think its perfectly natural to be scared, because yes sometimes the world feels like it will collapse in around us.

I am not scared anymore though. I survived the suicide attempt for a reason. To live. I don't know what caused me to be saved but I am alive and my family is thankful for it. I enjoy life for the most part, being stable on my meds, but I constantly question my life and what is the purpose for it because I am in a perpetual state of boredom and insomnia.

But the fear my friend, will not last. I guess its different for me because I attempted it already and saw the expressions on my young sister's and mom's faces before I blacked out and the ambulance took me. What an awakening!

Good luck to you, and if you have any questions, drop me a line, I will most likely be up all night too.

WE WONT BE A STATISTIC! I promise.

I've thought about it but, it doesn't bother me to think that's how I might die. I've been suicidal several times and attempted more than once. I've been in such deep depressions where I've believed that I was dead by suicide. I've accepted that it is likely that I am going to die that way. We all have to go somehow right?

During a bad stretch I'll admit.. I have worried I'll someday become a statistic.

I agree with Lostmyway21 and Cocoabeans, I know no matter how I die I will will have to go somehow and it will become some sort of statistic. I worry about suicide only in how I know it will harm those around me that care. At times even when I have not cared for myself, it is what has kept me alive. In turn, it keeps me from becoming in particular a suicide stat. So more concerned about working on well being and staying safe, let things happens as they may.

With BP and the rest of my diagnosis list, of course I worry about it. If I get overwhelmed and cut, who's to say I won't get a little more overwhelmed and just get it over with? I sympathize with what you have to see working in a coroner's office, I've been at several autopsies and I hate the smell of death and formaldehyde that permeates the building. 15 years in fire and EMS, I saw many attempted and completed suicides. I know what works and what doesn't, so if I ever decide it's time to go, I'll be gone, no questions asked. So yes, it worries me a lot during the times I feel like there might be something to live for. During the dark times, not so much a worry as just waiting for it to happen.

To be honest I've attempted suicide several times and have always hoped to become one of those statistics...morbid I know! I started on lithium a couple of months ago and think I'm finally starting to stabilize. I'm now working more towards trying to live rather than how to die. My family are a massive focus for this. I should probably mention I also have BPD as well which is probably why I've been so suicidal!

You all have this common reason to opt for a premature death...from what i have read above.Mental sickness is a terrible thing no doubt,no one but the sufferer can really gauge the extent of it's ill-effects.But i exhort you to think ,are there no reasons to live?Don't these reasons outweigh the former?If you reply in the negative then why not make up some reasons to make your life more bearable?Can something be done in this direction?Because there is hope only if there is life.
http://jeeteraho.blogspot.in/2010/10...e-is-life.html

When I am in a severe depression, I can see no reason to live. All that positive thinking stuff is out the window. I just try to hold on telling myself it will be different in awhile.

For some reason you made me laugh perhaps because I'm not suicidal. Bipolar gives us as many reasons to die as it does to live. I'm not rushing to commit suicide any time soon but, I accept that it might happen oneday. I don't think that is hopeless. Suicide is just one way to die. Life isn't more meaningful the longer I live. One day my life will be done whether I recognize that and off myself or wait to die from some terminal disease or sudden illness or accident does not matter.

I do worry about this and that is why I fight those thoughts will all my strength. Even through the really hard time I've been going through I actually haven't been having thoughts, which is so weird for me. Usually one thing goes wrong and the suicide demon is right there tapping me on the shoulder. I actually attribute this to the new baby and my kids. I don't want my kids to be without me. I don't want them to say "My mom commited suicide when I was a kid." I don't want them to wonder why I bothered to give them life just to leave them here on this Earth.

I think this is powerful for me because I lost my mom when I was only 13. She died of cancer, which is different, but I still struggle so much from losing her.

So I stay very educated about suicide and knowing it is a symptom of the illness. I remember it comes at me when my guard is down. I imagine myself a warrior fighting against it, and it is a battle worth winning. No matter how dark things may seem for me, I don't want to give that darkness to my boys.

Most of the time I don't worry but when things get really bad I worry that I won't be able to resist the temptation.

I watched (and suffered) the effect of a close teen's suicide on his mom and family. It left such an indelible impression on me, the way the family suffers, that it pretty much put a stop to any ideas I might come up with. As bad as it can sometimes get, I can't do that to my own family. And now I live with two little kids who adore me. I don't want to abandon them, they need me too much. So no, that particular issue doesn't scare me anymore.

What does scare me is my meds going haywire and landing back in the hospital. I'm in a new state, every place I know and was comfortable with is gone, and the nearest facility is a state run one. The unknown triggers memories of the time I landed in a county run hell hole and barely made it out intact. It was 4 years before I could even talk about what had happened with my T. We didn't even discuss it then, she just heard me say it all thru without interrupting me.

So yes, I get scared sometimes, but not about suicide.

Thank you all for your true and heartfelt honest replies...I know suicide is such a dark, private subject for everyone and I appreciate you all trusting me with it. Im glad to report today that the sun is shining, and I am smiling, so no bad thoughts... And after reading all of these posts, it puts alot in perspective. I do not want to become a suicide statistic either....and when I stop and think, there are alot of positives in my life....its hard to see them sometimes through the Bi-Polar cloud, and this past year has been the toughest year of my life with my son's father passing away....so I feel like Im trying on a new pair of shoes and trying to make them comfy and see how they fit me....and sometimes new shoes and BP dont like to get along either lol......I wish all of you big warm hugs and a blessed day

Yes I am scared Xray but god willing I will never commit an act that condemns my soul to eternal hell.

I sinserely hope you're feeling better today. see you around.

We will all die someday. And no matter how we die, those around us that care about us will grief. Dying through suicide is very painful, albeit traumatic for our loved ones. They will have to live with the trauma for the rest of their lives. When we die, the grief our loved one's feel is bad enough. Committing suicide is really really hard on loved ones. I love and care a lot about my loved ones, so much so I will not deliberately leave them with the trauma they will go through and probably live with for the rest of their lives if I commit suicide.

We began 2012 with a bipolar / ptsd family members suicide. We were begged to "take care of ourselves and each other because they (DH mom & dad) can handle another funeral". I have always felt I will take my own life or someone else's either on accident or on purpose due to bipolar. I am very rarely suicidal but the things that "sound fun" when manic are generally lethal to myself and/or others. DH completely feels I'd never knowingly commit suicide. I just have a death wish when it comes to mania. During deep depression I tend to go into an almost catatonic and distant state. In a mixed state I can see me committing suicide.

On the other hand DH is very suicidal as he gets more and more depressed. He does worry that he will commit suicide because he would rather die than breath. He also has the lethal things "sound fun" mode in his hypo-mania.

We do have our funerals arrangement's and will in place. That more has to do with being a parent then bi-polar. I know the pain of finding out your child tried to end their own life. I think that kinda sits with us when we contemplate suicide. I do fear death of myself and family members from bipolar but not just suicide.

I used to think that all the time.

Now, I am older and realize it isn't an option for me. If I had died through all my attempts, I would not be around here and enjoying life again.

I can see why people with BP Disorder commit suicide because it really messes with you.

All I can say is to hold on because life does get better.

I can certainly relate. I have been suicidal at many points in my life and came very close to an attempt about 5 years ago. I'm not sure what stopped me, but I'm thankful. I still have some very down days, but I just do the best I can to fight through them. The meds definitely help - I know this because I think of reasons to live now instead of ways to die, although strangely I will welcome death when it comes - it is not something I fear, but rather am very curious about. I really want to know what happens at that time, but I've sworn that I won't be the one to cause it - I just hope I can stay even enough to keep that promise to myself.

I knew when meds I was on before were not working because I wanted to die. Once I was able to find a cocktail of meds that keep me somewhat even, I began to see that it is worth giving life a try. You may need to find your right mix of meds to get you there, so don't give up. Meds are not the silver bullet by any means, but instead they keep my lows slight and temporary, and prevent everything from crashing down. That's the best I can hope for and I know it's a life long journey. Good luck

I worry about this all the time. I often feel that I won't make it to 30 if this continues. However, I could never put my family through the pain of a suicide. My family is the only reason why I am alive most of the time. I love them!

I've had thoughts and say the same thing. "I'll never act on them" but I know there have been times where I almost did act on them. I'm terrified of that. I'm terrified that I could feel so desperate to escape that I might forget the good things I have and act on these stupid thoughts. It's scary.

Can you share your fears with anyone in your family so that they can look out for you?

All the time, xraydiva09, All the time ...

I think about death a great deal and although I'm not actively suicidal for some strange reason I don't think it's all bad. Other people with chronic conditions can opt to refuse life giving treatment. This is a form of passive suicide.

Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is the thought if it really became unbearable that I have the option to end it.

This sounds awful but it's the way I feel

I find it funny and ironic about myself that within a span of literally a few weeks I can go from feeling strongly suicidal to worrying that my annual digital mammogram would be actually a couple months overdue this year. You see, all my relatives besides my mom lived long lives, and she did not because she neglected to respond to a breast lump promptly. So I am trying to be a good girl and avoid her fate, opting for early detection. But again that worry coincides with occasional suicidality. Whether I will ultimately be a statistic, I do not know; I know that I almost became one in the past, but I cannot see the future.