My life is completely ruined because of a bi-polar mania episode, Im so scared.

About 3 months ago, I had what they think is a bi-polar mania episode. It was my first one ever, I didnt even realize i was acting strange. I was having so many odd thoughts, like i was on a mission to save the world from judgement day, like i was on a mission from God, then i started thinking i was working for the CIA, and all types of stuff. My whole personality changed. Then i started being mean to everyone. I started cussing everyone out accusing them of bad things etc. I went to the police alot. I look back, i was acting so strange.nothing how i usually act, and this lasted for weeks.

It completely ruined my life, I got my kid taken away, lost my job, ran up all my credit cards, have about 10 creditors calling me a day. I even got criminal charges, that are exaggerated alot.

I have now been in a severe depression, because now everyone thinks im this mean person. I lost everything. I dont even like going in public, because i see all the happy kids, and knowing how much of a good mom i was before this episode happened, makes me so sick to know my kid got taken away.

I never did drugs in my life, I am a good, honest loving person............and for this to happen and completely ruin my life, I just dont know what to. I'm so scared of going to jail, which im pretty sure is going to happen, and im living off my savings right now, which is almost gone. In a few weeks i will have no money to my name, not be able to pay any bills, and in the mean time my phone is ringing off the hook everyday from credit cards and dr bills.

It makes me so sick, because i always paid everything on time, had a decent savings for me and my sons future, had a great job and credit. Now EVERYTHING has been ruined, and i have no family that would even take me in if i were to be homeless. I have no friends now, nothing, my health is deteriating, I have no insurance.

It just drives me crazy how this could happen, I keep trying to understand why it happened, when i had no history of mental illness, and for this to all the sudden happen, and at the time i didnt even realize i was acting strange. It lasted for weeks. I went to mental hospitals, they didnt really help me, when they released me i was still acting the same.the meds made it worse, thats when i started acting mean and having ad night mares.

I keep searching online for someone i can relate to, but i cant find anyone that had an episode severe enough for all this bad stuff to happen, especially CPS getting involved.

I was always a nice sweet girl, who stayed away from criminal activity etc, and now for me to have criminal charges on top of everything, is so scary.
I'm so scared i wont get my kid back, since i cant even find a job and might be homeless or in jail, which ever happens first.

This is so hard to handle, i can barely function..........NEVER in my life would i expect this to happen.

On top of that theres alot of people that want to beat the crap outta me, for accusing them of things while i was acting manic, i was posting stuff on FB acting like a nut...and im so not the type to fight, so this stuff is just scaring me so much. I caused so much trouble and didnt even realize it, until i snapped back to reality.

Solost888, there must be some place for you to get help. Have you tried the Social Services Department in the city government where you live? I think talking to a minister in a chuch that you are familiar with might give you some leads.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Try to be sure that you remain on proper medication during your search for help. Being stable is so important.

Genetic

I am sorry your going through this right now i can imagine its hard. I did similar things once when i bought a boat that i had this idea i was going to live on, went completely in debt and got even more over whelmed with things but you know what? I was able to get rid of it although still in debt from it and jobless but they have credit forgivness and all sorts of things to help you. Just keep your head up and i know its hard but try hard to tell yourself things will be ok. Ive been to jail for my actions but once again it all worked out. I can't say enough but have faith that it will work out.

Thanks for your replies..It seems so hard to make it through this. I can barely function, with all this stress.

Thanks for your replies...This is so hard for me to handle, I am getting so scared as to what is going to happen with my son, jail, and being homeless. I truly can barely function with all these worries.

I'm just learning about bipolar. I'm not bipolar. But maybe that means I can answer your question well. I just broke up with my boyfriend who is bipolar and am just coming to terms with his illness and wondering if I would ever take him back.

Reading your story is heartbreaking and you sound completley remorseful and confused about your own behavior. It really sounds like you snapped out of something.

For someone who is not bipolar, just reading your story makes it all seem more 'real'

If I were your family member and I read what you wrote I would believe you and want to help you. My suggestion would be to print what you have written, or email your friends or loved ones the link (people you trust only) and let them see this. I think your honesty and candor now is probably the best way to let people know you want to make amends.

It can be very hard for outsiders to understand all of this. Your post makes it understandable on some level.

((((So))))

You may be able to take your case to a mental health court. What state are you in?

Thanks, yes its so hard for me to understand. How i am always a nice pleasant person, then all the sudden i just starting acting crazy. It's so embarrassing, the whole community knows about this, and act like they are afraid to have anything to do with me now. Its so hard to deal with, because the real me is so nice and easy-going, now my whole name is ruined, (reputation, criminally, financially, getting my son taken away, just everything) I worked my whole life for my son's future. I made sure i had a certain amount of money saved before i got pregnant.
I was so responsible....and now having to live like this really makes me sick, I am so depressed how my life got destroyed. Scared to death about going to jail. I can barely function with all these worries.

I dont have much family at all, they all passed away (even my mom and brother)..all i have is my dad, and his health is not good...he has heart problems, and is about to loose his job because of it....So im also scared for his future.

I got charges in 2 different counties, I researched and one does participate in the mental health court program, but the other one doesnt. Thanks for your reply..

I read your original account of your life events a couple days ago and it's stuck with me and I sense every despairing feeling with you and also bewilderment and shock and it's a nightmare to be shoved ruthlessly into the unknown like you have been....and it's definitely understandable

..I relate in many ways I won't put a number...to be extraordinarily upturned in such damaging ways where all the important things in our lives have been demolished by behaviour that just never suited us.

it's more than enough to destroy any loving soul and it's obvious your soul is such.

...thing is it's done and it's happened and it's going to become something you look back on as the 'life changing' event....your life changing event!

you will restore things...not as they were but as they will become and with new wisdom.

...it takes some real determination to overcome all the negative crap...bad impressions horrible identity assassinations from around you...

hell not long ago I was cool tennant in number three and next morning I'm gang tackled by police on the footpath out front...oops I had an episode and I still have them and they come and go and I need medication and I function ok and it's fine I know the shame and thats just a little event.

...you are a good person ...with a couple extra features....get to know them and you will be ok....it's hard I know

Thanks, yes it sure is a life changing event...i have no idea how im going to fix all these issue. I miss my happy normal life so much...Its so hard to handle this, i feel like my whole life crashed down.

It sounds like you have been to hell and are trying to figure your way back. The first thing you need to do is get into that mental health court. Don't just let things steamroll over you. rgb11 made a good point with telling people. Try making amends with those you have hurt. Obviously you won't be able to do this with everyone, but your true friends will come back if they know what has really happened. Do some bp research and find an article you can print out or email them that explains the disease. Tell them this was the onset. apologize. None of that will be easy, of course, and with jail hanging over your head, you may find it hard to even function, but you Must take some control.

You don't say what two countries you are in trouble with, or your residence country, but is disability an option? It never pays much, but it will keep you from homeless, hopefully.

Bankruptcy is always an option, especially if you have no means of paying off the bills. I had to do it once, in the US, after a string of mania and credit bills so deep, I couldn't pay them off and still afford to eat on the money disability gave me. It's not my first choice, but it is an option.

are you in any type of therapy now? Can you show that you are trying to get therapy (is there something in the county or city that provides a free service?) I think having a doctor that can vouch for you could be of extreme importance.

You are only 29. I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Do you have old friends or even teachers that might be able to steer you in the right direction or read your story? I think you need someone that can assist you and I think you should direct them to this page (only trusted people).

You do have your whole life ahead of you. The 20's are hard for all of us, we all make mistakes and endure the consequences.

Even if you have to go to jail. I know it sounds horrible but it might be an avenue to get the help you need, and a time out on this life.

The credit stuff can get cleared up. In this economy it has happened to many many people. My dad declared bankruptcy a few years ago and already has a new credit card!

Truly if this was an episode and you have a good past, you can get past all of this. It is overwhelming for anyone.

That you have a diagnosis and can prove it could be of utmost importance, focus on making sure you can have a doctor or therapist to vouch for you. That would be my advice.

Thanks, yes it is hard for me to function, all these problems scare me, and the criminal charges really scare me. I wake up gagging just about every morning, so worried about all of this. I never expected my life to be like this. Nobody will accept my apology, i tried. They all act like they are afraid of me now. I tried to apply for disability, it got denied.
It's so traumatizing, how this happened, and make me act like a totally different person and how it ruined my life. Thanks for your advice. I will look into the mental health court, i know one of the counties participate in it, but i was already told the other one doesnt.

Thanks, yes i been going to therapy..She is billing me and hoping i willl be able to pay in the future. No i dont have any old friends, i was always shy and never made many friends...and since i was always shy, People are thinking, I truly am some physco person and the real me came out, which makes me so upset because that was not the real me at all.
I was acting so ignorant and hyper. Its so upsetting how this can happen, I didnt even realize it at the time, till i snapped back to my normal self. I got kicked out of businesses, people got restraining orders against me. Its so hard for me to even leave my house, people want to fight me (I'm so not the type to fight) So, yes all that is overwhelming itself. Then since I got my child taken away because of this, is killing me. Its so hard to live with. Criminal charges, job loss, and dealing with creditors calling me all day is so hard to deal with. I am so numb and worried.

This is truly horrible. I must say, your writing sounds pretty composed for someone who has just gone through a life-changing event; you must be a strong person who can hold it together, even in the face of hardships. I think what you need to do now is prioritize and then live one day at a time. Mental health court is priority number 1. Disability is priority number 2. You had a great job; you must be eligible for good state disability insurance (not federal, which is hard to get and does not pay much money, but state, which is easier to get but pays decently for a short period of time). If state disability declined you (I am surprised that it did, with Bipolar I, last episode manic, criminal history within mania, etc.etc.), appeal. Give them more medical evidence. If you get the state disability, you do not have to worry about homelessness in the immediate future. Do not take calls from anyone you do not know - let everything else go to voice mail. This way you won't be bothered by shouting collections agents. FINDING OUT about visitation is priority number 3. Not visiting, but just finding out. For that, you need a social worker / case worker. Ask your therapist where to get one.

Where do you get psychiatric care and free/small copayment meds? Because you are indigent, you must be eligible for subsidized care.

Thanks for your reply, yeah im a complete mess realizing all these problems i caused. I have been so depressed, not even able to watch tv or anything, because i see children, and it makes me miss my child even more. I truly can barely function with all these worries. I'm so scared. Usually i am a strong person, but this is making me feel so weak, having all of these major problems, especially knowing, im not the type of person to have criminal charges etc. I've always been such a good hearted person and now everything is ruined, and it seems impossible to fix.
Disability did deny me. I will try to appeal it. Yes, there is a social worker involved. I see my son once a week.
I have not been able to find a program to cover mental health expenses, since im no longer able to claim my child as a dependent, im not eligible for any state insurance.

For what it is worth. I read that the disability claims for bipolar are always declined on the first attempt. The real chance seems to the appeal, so put some energy there.

Try to get your criminal charges to a "change of venue" so that they can be put through the Mental health court. Talk to legal aid about it. Look into temporary public housing. Clinics usually have income based payment, look at catholic charities if you have to.

Try county mental health. Not state but county. I receive care despite the fact that the children are my ex's dependents.

Thanks Everyone for your advice and support. All of these problems are so hard for me to handle. I feel so alone, so ashamed of how i acted, I was so out of control, caused chaos all over the place...so nervous about whats going to happen in the future (jail/homeless/my child etc). I can barely function. I dont understand how i could act like a completely different person and destroy so much of my life, that it feels impossible to fix.

"Fixed" is different then having your life back the same. As much as you don't want to here this you can be an awesome parent with visitation. You have a lot of ***** on your plate and your currently not stable. I know how hard it is to be away from your child. I'm at 3 1/2 months with 1 week of supervised visitation, luckily he's with family, but currently there's no end insight. So I do know how bad it hurts.

You may want to see if any of the local hospitals have intensive out patient because they usually have scholarships. All this ***** is to overwhelming to deal with while depressed and you sound depressed, rightfully so for the situation. Try to speak to legal aid and get a public attorney for the criminal charges. Really push for the change of venue so both charges can go through the MI court.

I can identify i have lost all as well, a 23 year old marriage, 20 year old daughter, friends family, career, house, you name it it is gone. No medical insurance, suicidal everyday . i try to sleep my life away as much as possible so i dont have to think about the pain. Hope? What's that? I spent 3 hourd texting the hotline yesterday alone. I can never go back & forward? Again no $ no meds. I really have ruined my life.please pray for me too
Barb

Just so you're aware, this thread is from 2012.