what if.... I don't want treatment at all???

I've been doing a lot of thinking.

I always forget to take my meds. I never can find the money to get in to a pdoc or a T. Really, PC is the only thing I have that I use to help my mental health.

And, I don't feel great or anything.

But, what if, I'm just supposed to be this way and why should I have to change to fit what people say I "should be." ???

I've always been on the more rebelious side, even if you maybe don't notice it. Because, I'm strange and subtle.

But, what if I'm okay with being off kilter? My rage has lessened a lot in the past couple of months, even with me forgetting my meds. Now and then there's been a bit of a blow up. But.... before, like, I never got mad really. Maybe I'm like Adam Sandler in that movie "Anger Management" and that I have always been angry but just holding it in. So maybe, I don't need meds, I just need to learn to express my anger in a healthy way. Not hold it in or explode.

Maybe, I'm supposed to hear things and see things from time to time. Maybe I really am a little bit magic.

I think my whole life I've lived believing it's not okay to be me. I mean, my freinds obviously didn't like me for what I was. They talked down to me and made me feel terrible about being me. I was bullied so bad, just because I don't look or act or think like other people. Even my dad has never accepted that I'm not a 1950s house wife and I don't make the same choices as one, especially since I was a child in 80s and a teen in the 90s.

What if.... having bipolar really isn't that big of a deal for me? Sure, I have depression but I get through it. Yes, I need to work on some SI issues, but since I seemed to get past my suicidal issues, I feel I can do succeed. Sure, maybe I'm a bit moody. Maybe I'm forgetting everything and my thoughts are a hurricane. But, then, I get these brief moments of pure clarity.

What if that's how it's supposed to be?

The one thing I've always dreamed of is for someone to accept me for who I am and not expect me to be anyone or anything else. And, I don't think I'm ever going to find that.... unless maybe that person is me? Maybe I'm looking for me and I can't expect that of anyone else.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just crazy.

I can relate. So for me, it isn't about "bipolar disorder" like it is in the doctor's office or the line at the pharmacy, it's about adapting. I hate feeling depressed but, even more I hated wishing I could feel depressed on medication. I know how to cope with my moods or I can learn to but, I don't know how to cope with being labeled and treated. I don't really know how to be a victim so, accepting the treatment of a mood disorder victim doesn't work for me.

((darkheart)) Treatment as I see it isn't about trying to "change" you so that you're normal. It's about lessening your pain. I agree that you shouldn't be changed; you're pretty awesome the way that you are!

Well, I don't mind that I have bipolar. Actually, it wsa quite a relief to me to get diagnosed. I had kind of that "Oh, well, that explains it!" type of moment. And I guess I expected other people to have that "Ah ha! Now she makes sense!" moment as well, but they didn't....

I guess what I'm saying is the real reason I'm seeking treatment is because other people expect me to be different than I am. There is a long list of "shoulds" that I try constantly to live up to and then constantly fail at attaining. The constant failure at it makes me more miserable than anything else. I can deal with my own internal issues myself. I've always done so. But... the fact that I "should" be totally organized or I'll lose my job. Well, I can't seem to do it no matter what strategy I try. So, I am a failure. I have no confidance because I'm trying to live up to all of these "shoulds" that other people shove at me.

I agree with Secretum. To me treatment is about recovery....finding that right balance for each person. Treatment should not be cookie cutter. It sounds like you went to a place in the pass with a bad treatment program or have a misconception of how good treatment plans should function. Programs should never aim at making us normal....changing us. It's not good continuity of care. You deserve the best and I hope you find what your seeking.

No, I've had barely any treatment. In fact, I find it impossible to even get treatment at all. Once upon a time I used to believe someone would care enough to help. I eventually figured out that I am all alone in it. Now I'm realizing the only reason I want treatment isn't because I am worried about being well, but because I am trying to live up to other people's expectations.

I want treatmetn so I'm no me any more.... or I did.... because I have never been good enough for anyone. So, if I am different, maybe I will be....

But, now I'm seeing that's not going to work.... and I don't want to be different.

For me getting treatment is about quality of life and being able to function in my life as I choose it to be. Not for anybody else's expectations of me but my own desires and aspirations.
If your illness is impacting on your ability to live the kind of life you want for yourself not what other people expect from you then it is worth trying to get some treatment.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

dark_heart_x, I finally found a pdoc who agreed to work with me to find the best meds for me--this, instead of whatever samples they tossed at me that worked good enough to keep me out of hospital and fairly okay. I told him I would never again settle for "good enough" & I needed a partner who wouldn't settle either until we had the best possible meds available for me ... and we had to keep looking for better, check my levels if I started feeling off. He had to be my Best Friend in this! He agreed, and it took over a year to get it right. He's kept his promise. He's always there for me, when my body chemistry goes whacko--he finds the new best possible meds for me.

My medical doctor is also strongly supportive & stays in touch with my pdoc. I have changed therapists twice & am hopeful this one, who does dream therapy, will be a good match.

I've had to work had to put together the right treatment team for me, but I went for decades undiagnosed & untreated. This is a better way, for me--but it does take work, all the time.

Whatever you decide, take best possible care of you.
roadie

there are a lot of people on these boards that don't take meds.
but those same people work their butts off to stay stable.
there is a lot of things that have to be done to be stable and med free... or just stable period when one has this kind of MI.

so, no matter what you choose to do, med free or not, there is a lot of work to be done to get where you desire to be.
it is kind of like treatment... self treatment.... awareness, acceptance, coping skills, different frames of mind that conjure up different attitudes.... ugh... the list can go on and on.

even with meds, there is a large degree of work that one should really do to be truly stable, and without the meds, it's even harder in my opinion. there is no magic pill that will make us stable. no, it is up to us to put in the work to get there, whether on meds or not.

sure, one can drift through life not putting any work into their well being at all...
but they are not going to be happy, and no one around them will be happy either. it sucks, it totally does... but I do firmly believe through my experiences that meds do help in this process of self discovery and healing.

not a neccessity though.

I guess, I just ask that you please don't discount all of the work one has to go through to be stable and happy. I know that one does not equal the other, but they do both go hand in hand.

I wish you the best of luck in your venture to find yourself. And keep updating us!

I think one of my biggest issues is that I've never been able to accept myself for who I am. I'm always trying to be someone else, because just being me is never good enough.

I have a lot of tangles I'm trying to work out. I get delusional. Last night me and my husband had a long talk about some things that have been bothering me. I get really paranoid and forget who is on my side and who isn't. I had a huge fight with my mother in law about undermining me as a mother. I'm trying to teach my baby to self-sooth, and she doesn't agree with my methods. She accusses me of being a bad mom every time she gets angry....

I tell my husband I feel like I have no one, and he's confused, because he is there. But he's there then he's not. Being in the same room with headphones on does not always equal "there." So that's what we talked about. We found a resolution, I think.

I don't feel like I have a place in my own house. My dad thinks I'm worthless. All the people I trusted in the past actually tricked me then left the second they were done with me. So.... maybe it's normal for me to get paranoid about people.

So, in my experience, I feel treatment has been "Take this so you be what we want you to be." Not my husband, he actually doesn't want me to have any treatment. He doesn't believe in therapy and he doesn't think I need medicine. He thinks I'm well just like I am.... even though I have my episodes and all of that. It's strange. What does that mean? I guess he likes me like I am, even if I drive him crazy sometimes.

I don't know.

Dark heart, I understand exactly what you are feeling. I went without meds for years and didn't give two craps about what people think of me. I realized most of my own family doesn't even like me. That's tough and I finally realized that I need to stop trying to please everyone else and try to focus on easing my pain and then I can see who I am. I am absolutely nuts and my family will tell you the same but I am what I am. I have accepted the ups and downs and dealt with them on my own for a long time. But I was also self medicating and ended up in rehab because of it. I continued to go without meds except for klonopin for my nerves. I realized it as time to take a look in the mirror and see who I am...besides a mom, daughter, granddaughter, niece, cancer survivor, care giver, and Miss Al to my boy scouts.....I am ME.... Never stop believeing that you are strong and beautiful.

If you don't want treatment/western Medicine traditional pharma treatment, I think that's ok and your right and choice. But I have known you long enough now to watch you address the ... Situation / disorder who knows yet what it really is... I watch you think things through, analyze, talk about, use creative outlets. These are all therapeutic. So maybe you're choosing your own type of therapy that works for you and your family and your budget, etc. I say believe in yourself, create your own definition of treatment. Of course if you get to a really unsafe place check yourself in somewhere, I trust you would and I know I would do the same for mine or others safety if I ever have to. I've come close to calling a 5150 on myself more than I'd like to say.

Dark Heart,

the T intern I am working with uses metaphor therapy, and I see you doing it for yourself, by yourself. So I agree with Blue, you are doing therapeutic things for yourself, by yourself.

Should be an example to all.

I agree with Blue and Hammy. You've been doing quite a bit for yourself in a therapeutic sense, despite not having any medical treatment.

Sometimes we just need to carve our own way to wellness, and that's ok. You know, you are so not the "I feel like crap, so what" type and let things spiral and spiral.... No matter how badly you struggle, you make sure you have the proper perspective, you self soothe, and you tackle the bipolar***** head on! Never, not once have you just layed down and taken it! And that is half the battle won, medicated or not.

I was also medicated for the sake of others, and it did nothing to improve things between me and those others. Maybe thats why meds and me didnt mesh, I was taking meds to be "appropriate" and I never was.....

Now that I accept me as is, others do too.
I hope you find the same self-acceptance I did, like Lóreal says, " Because you're worth it"

I agree with everybody else- you have to seek treatment for you, not someone else, and you have to set the goals for yourself.
Since there's no such thing as "normal," we have to decide what we want to accomplish. We can't seek treatment in order to "fit in" with society or be what we "should" be. Don't should yourself.
For me, I went into treatment to stop the cycle of negative thoughts that plagued me, be able to forge stronger relationships, and be stable enough, emotionally, to be successful in my chosen field of work.

Cue my longer than necessary anecdote: For a long time, I was unmedicated and not in therapy, and my attitude towards relationships was that if people couldn't deal with me, then that was their problem, not mine. I was a ***** and that was just part of my personality. But, I was expecting people I loved to deal with me being straight up mean or neglectful to them because of my MI. I would say horrible things and be passive agressive then not understand why people gave up on me. I want to change that so I can be the kind of friend I want to be and know I am capable of being.

So, while I agree that you can't change just for other people, you do have to imagine what version of yourself you really want to be and try to attain that. Treatment isn't one size fit all, so if you're happy with yourself when your meditating, or in talk therapy, or doing reiki healing, or medicated, you just have to figure out what you want and how you can get there.

Sorry for an entire paragraph of "you" statements. Not feeling creative enough to reframe that in group therapy appropriate phrasing.

Hiya Hun

Follow your heart and believe in yourself and know its ok to be "you"

I think the main thing I'm coming to realize is that I'm not a bad person. I always thought I was a bad person... like not evil but.... not good. Like, something was wrong with me and I wasn't even actually a person, just a thing....

So maybe I'm not a bad person?

So many people tell me I'm not good enough in my life and for so long. You don't eat the way we do, that's wrong. You don't look like us, that's wrong. You don't dress like us, that's wrong. You don't like this or that which we like, so you're wrong....

But maybe they are wrong.

Like this whole stupid disorganization thing. I do my best. But if I Can't be the **** retentive neat freak, then fire me. I can't keep thinking I"m wrothless because of it.

There was a time when I took medication daily and saw a pdoc every few months and a t. Now, none of the above.

I guess you would call it, self managed. Somehow I'm doing better this way than I ever did with all the rest of the treatment.

I'm sure some counseling wouldn't hurt, but for me I've found the rest to be unneccessary