[BlueInanna]

I always picture a crash happening on the down side. ... But I just for no reason had a friend over, drank, did drugs, and did him in my backyard. I think everyone must do this sometimes....? I also skinny dipped in my pool and felt goddess energy surging through me, talked to the brilliant stars in the sky decided I want company and he came over. On the one hand what was I thinkin - what am i thinkin, yet on the other hand why not that was fun and the kids don't know!
Hana blue been bad bad lol. Probably I will wonder what was I thinking after some sleep, usually the case. It wasn't most satisfying love making, i couldnt completely let go, but just nice to feel wanted and a friend who has always just stayed a friend.

[sugahorse1]

I do think most of us go through similar experiences. If I start behaving that way, I know it's hypomania. I don't know where the cut-off from hypomania to normal is

[Trippin2.0]

Idk sis, I don't see any thing "MI" about having fun and enjoying being wanted? Sometimes its just the boost we need. We're human

I had a 1 night stand with a friend once, pure curiosity, there was always this energy between us, so we both cheated on our then partners to get it out the way. Aaaand if I go into detail, it will sound risky, impulsive and hypomanic (you can pm / inbox me if you wanna know) but in all honesty, as out of character as it seems, it was just fun. Some very good fun may I add

Hope your case is the same, just fun, not stupid symptoms, because there's so much more to us and to life than a list of symptoms

[faerie_moon_x]

I don't know, I think you're so starved for love from your bf (is he ex-bf yet?) and he's such a jerk to you.... I just think it sounds more like reaching out for some human contact to me. I mean, I've never actually heard you talk about your bf being nice to you, or if he does something nice it's always with fine print.

I know when I was with my ex I felt that way. I'm not a very flirty person, but I was like reaching out in all directions. And, i was tyring to find him a new girlfriend, too. LOL. I had one all picked out. There were too many missing pieces in that relationship. Now that I'm with my husband,I don't ever feel that way at all, instead the oposite of wanting to pull things back together if things are out of place.

So, I think it's just something that happens.

I suddenly remember you talking about Kali.

[Trippin2.0]

Yesss DHX! I firmly believe that the bf/ex bf is a huge catalyst in decision making. I experienced the the same thing with the ex I mentioned in the above post, although that time I couldn't point any fingers at him, we had just started getting serious (might I mention I felt obligated/guilted into being exclusive) when I had that one night stand. And did it because I KNEW my friend and I would end up naked and didn't want it to happen further into the relationship when hardcore feelings have been established because I'd be riddled with guilt.

Bear with me I'm getting to the point 2yrs or so into my relationship with him, I felt suffocated, unappreciated and more like a prized trophy than a cherished gf.

So in an attempt to feel wanted, I "tried" to cheat on him. I say "tried" because while I managed to pull off the act of cheating, my heart wasn't in it, I couldn't even "follow through" without breaking into a sob from the guilt that consumed me, and I demanded he drop me off at bf's house where I immediately confessed all, nevermind having an actual "guy on the sly" to fill the gaps exbf left... *sigh*

With current bf, who I started dating in 2009, I've never even considered cheating, dating anyone else, or even kissing another man, even when we were broken up. Not once has another man been appealing as dating/partner material, because that spot has been irrevocably filled.

So yes, I concur DHX's post, there is much truth in what she says, as I can vouch for from my own experiences.

Btw. DHX Been meaning to tell you, your screen name has been bugging me for a while sis. There's nothing Dark about your beautiful Heart

[faerie_moon_x]

Yeah, I could never, ever cheat on my husband. I love him too much and respect our relationship too much. Even in the hard times we've had, I never was interested in having another person, I just wanted things back to how they were with him.

I used to ask people, when I was with my ex, was it better to just stay where you were or find someone you actually loved. And, I have my answer now. It's better to be with someone you love.

I have no idea what I would change my name to. I still feel shadowy a lot.

[notALICE]

FUN! Fun! FUN!

It was a friend, so not the exotic guy from the bar? And I thought that was a good ego boost. YGG! Just be safe. Good friend? No awkward weird feelings afterwards friend? God, I am nosy. LOL

Should I be jealous? Hmmm. Nah. My husband/guy umm hard to explain relationship just got home from sea. He's out a month at a time. Thank God he's home but I'm trying to get him to average sex three times a day, when he's usually the one begging me. I have to dance naked in front of the computer to get him off his MMO games he's addicted to.
So far two a day, but he just got home. It's good average in early 40's, no? Maybe? IDK.
I 95% love/ 5% hate the guy with extreme intensity. He makes me feel more emotion than anyone ever has. Extreme passion, you know? Alive. Both good and bad. Which matches me pretty much - the all or nothing girl.

I'm thrilled you had fun & I'll live vicariously through your adventure today.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

I always picture a crash happening on the down side. ... But I just for no reason had a friend over, drank, did drugs, and did him in my backyard. I think everyone must do this sometimes....? I also skinny dipped in my pool and felt goddess energy surging through me, talked to the brilliant stars in the sky decided I want company and he came over. On the one hand what was I thinkin - what am i thinkin, yet on the other hand why not that was fun and the kids don't know!
Hana blue been bad bad lol. Probably I will wonder what was I thinking after some sleep, usually the case. It wasn't most satisfying love making, i couldnt completely let go, but just nice to feel wanted and a friend who has always just stayed a friend.

I agree with the folks who think this is just human norm, not bipolar hypomania. You had a tiny break from the hardships and from being starved for affection.

[BlueInanna]

Yes exactly, love starved. I have a small headache from the wine etc. and some small regrets because I don't really want casual. I have no interest in him further than a friend and he's the same. Known each other for almost 25 years. He's cute and fun to party with.

And spot on - the ex bf texted me yesterday after 10 days no contact. Asked me if I want to talk yes or no. I haven't responded cuz I haven't yet wrapped my head around all the possible ramifications of talking to him. He'll try to sweet talk me I suppose, so I'm trying to be strong and stay away from him. He's not who I want but I love him and got used to him. And I'm very afraid to be alone. Even though this has been the loneliest relationship. I don't know what to say to him. Basically I don't like how he treats me, he can be so mean and I'm not happy being 2nd place to his buddies, fishing, camping, dirt biking, and his dog. I will miss his dog. I miss him too.

NAlice you get 3x a day holy guacamole!!!!!! I'd be having trouble walking lol. That's an exciting prospect though, I got used to few times per year sadly.

I need to figure out my answer to talk to ex bf yes or no. I should be able to be mature enough to tell him....

[faerie_moon_x]

Don't go back to the lonely relationship. You're so awesome that you deserve someone equally as awesome that loves, respects, and fits you like a puzzle piece. Don't settle just because.

Like I said, finding actual, real love is way so much better than that settled for crap. I know this from experience. You deserve that so much!

[BlueInanna]

I'm so scared DH that I might not be strong enough to leave him... 7 years is a long time. He's my first boyfriend who could keep a job, owns his house, owns his own biz like me. And this is so dumb that I even consider these material things. That's not who I am.. But raising the kids alone has been so hard. I'm scared to be alone but I'm already alone right? We don't live together, no plans to. I'm trying to sort out my feelings. Very confused. So I need to get clear on what I feel, who I am, what I want.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

I'm so scared DH that I might not be strong enough to leave him... 7 years is a long time. He's my first boyfriend who could keep a job, owns his house, owns his own biz like me. And this is so dumb that I even consider these material things.

You are not talking about material things, in reality. You are talking about taking responsibility - he is the first bf to take responsibility in that way, but, hopefully, not the last one.

[BlueInanna]

Excellent point Hammie thank you. I do want a partner who takes responsibility. That is a value I have.

I also value family children friendship spirituality kindness spontaneity which he does not bring.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

I always picture a crash happening on the down side. ... But I just for no reason had a friend over, drank, did drugs, and did him in my backyard. I think everyone must do this sometimes....? I also skinny dipped in my pool and felt goddess energy surging through me, talked to the brilliant stars in the sky decided I want company and he came over. On the one hand what was I thinkin - what am i thinkin, yet on the other hand why not that was fun and the kids don't know!
Hana blue been bad bad lol. Probably I will wonder what was I thinking after some sleep, usually the case. It wasn't most satisfying love making, i couldnt completely let go, but just nice to feel wanted and a friend who has always just stayed a friend.

My take on this sort of thing is always, if it doesn't seriously negatively affect you or those around you, it's not mi. 'Fun' isn't in the DSM and for good reason!

It of course could mean the beginnings of a hypomanic episode, but if it's all good and doesn't go downhill from here, I'd think you're okay. (Little concerned about the drugs, though, but in any case, not necessarily bipolar).

Enjoy!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by ultramar

'Fun' isn't in the DSM and for good reason!

That should be engraved somewhere.

Yes... actually, anhedonia IS in the DSM. Not fun, but anhedonia. Pervasive with some types of schizophrenia or temporary with depression.

[bluemountains]

Hi Blue,

I'm just catching up. I'm so happy you had a great time-hypomania, carefree attitude, a moment, whatever! Now it seems that you are in the analyzing stage. Don't analyze the fun vs. the boyfriend so much. You don't want to lose memories of that fun, spontaneous time.

Meanwhile, I don't have these great spurts of fun times anymore. The drugs have taken away all of the "forget everything and enjoy" feelings. Congratulations!

I think I am going to bring up life vs. control with my t and pdoc. I am tired of not having any strong emotions!

Bluemountians

[faerie_moon_x]

Okay so you've been together 7 years. With no plans to move in together. So, no, you're not together. You are alone. You can be in a relationship and still be completely alone.

Guys with jobs who are single are all over the place. There a tons of them. I know you live in a smaller community. But really, a guy with a job who is good to you exists in this world.

Maybe the first thing is you need to be just you. Pray. Meditiate. Do yoga. Be you. All by yourself. Let the Goddess fill you up with her strength. Let her guide your steps. And pray "Let me find the perfect place for me and my children." You'd be surprised how well that works out.

You are awesome Blue. You have no reason to be afraid. You're not really alone, because we love you. And I believe you are on the path to something better. Remember Iris. First comes the storm, then comes the rainbow.

[~Christina]

Awwwww Blue

I doubt you were hypo, you were enjoying being treated well. As you should always be treated.

You have struggled with the nature of your relationship with the "bf" for a long time. You have given it your all. You have no reason to feel bad. There are gentle kind respectable men out there that would love to be part of your life. Please don't doubt your worth, not ever

[BlueInanna]

Breaking up is really hard but I've done well with the no contact. If I respond to text, he'll turn it into a phone call, into a treat me to dinner, into letting him come clean the chicken coop and yard work and spending the night and then the same bs will start all over. I miss the sob. It's always been hard for me letting go. But I think I'm doing it.

Maybe since I have bpII - hypos don't concern me too much, things could always change of course... But honestly I'm much more afraid of bp depression. Haven had one in a long time - couple years now I think.

I do feel a little fragile today like I Probably will make as few plans as possible for the weekend and focus on self care, extra juice & supplements and cuddle myself in my blankets and watch movies. Might go to a local cinco de maya fest at small park on Sunday. And of course caring for my boys broken arm - surgeon finally called back and can't fit him in her schedule. So finding him a new one, waiting game, docs take their time returning calls.

[faerie_moon_x]

Cuddling on the couch watching movies with your boys sound exceptionally perfect. Try to pick something light hearted and no romantic ones! Go with fun!

You're doing good.

[Aphrodites_Muse]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Yes exactly, love starved. I have a small headache from the wine etc. and some small regrets because I don't really want casual. I have no interest in him further than a friend and he's the same. Known each other for almost 25 years. He's cute and fun to party with.

And spot on - the ex bf texted me yesterday after 10 days no contact. Asked me if I want to talk yes or no. I haven't responded cuz I haven't yet wrapped my head around all the possible ramifications of talking to him. He'll try to sweet talk me I suppose, so I'm trying to be strong and stay away from him. He's not who I want but I love him and got used to him. And I'm very afraid to be alone. Even though this has been the loneliest relationship. I don't know what to say to him. Basically I don't like how he treats me, he can be so mean and I'm not happy being 2nd place to his buddies, fishing, camping, dirt biking, and his dog. I will miss his dog. I miss him too.

NAlice you get 3x a day holy guacamole!!!!!! I'd be having trouble walking lol. That's an exciting prospect though, I got used to few times per year sadly.

I need to figure out my answer to talk to ex bf yes or no. I should be able to be mature enough to tell him....

with this so much! I am so sorry Blue. You and I have lived a similar tale my friend.