[sugahorse1]

***POSSIBLE TRIGGER***



I don't know where this fits.
It's not really a self-harm thing and not an addiction thing either.
I assume it may be a mixed episode.

I have in the past abused benzo's and even SSRI's, often mixed with alcohol. I was once hospitalized to get myself back on my feet.
Technically I've been doing ok, and just have the occassional downwards spiral. Today I suddenly started craving benzo's again. That feeling of just not having a care in the world. To get knocked out and just hide.
I also haven't smoked in about 3 months, and suddenly have been craving that too. But I've managed to stop myself. My craving for meds is getting strong. I am already taking painkillers most nights because I seem to have a lot of dull headaches.

I don't want to discuss this with anyone else though. I don't know why this has flared up again.

[A Red Panda]

Keep resisting the urge. Is there anyone in your life whom you trust, who could maybe babysit your pills for you and only give you enough for 1-2 days? I know it would be hard to talk about... but isn't it better to talk about it than to cave and swallow way more than you should?

I get the urge to OD on pills - it was my way of self-punishment/injury. Didn't want to ever get caught... so I'd take enough pills to make my stomach sore. As such, I don't keep any pills in my house that aren't 'necessary' - so I have a general vitamin, antihistimines in case of allergy season, my birth control... and now lamotrigine. It makes me nervous having the lamotrigine in my flat.

[sugahorse1]

It sounds a lot like my past habits. I have a months' supply of my psych meds and a bunch of OTC painkillers.
I live with my boyfriend, but don't think he'd understand. Or worried what he'd think about me.
I have a few friends, but not sure which I'd trust with something like this. It's also hard to discuss it with others who will judge you and think it's an attention seeking thing. It's not. It's almost crying out for something. And I don't know why

[A Red Panda]

Yeah... I get it.

Can you toss out all the OTC painkillers? Do you work? If so - do you work somewhere that has a private locker-drawer thingy that you could lock them all in until the urge passes?

And you can still ask your boyfriend. Just go "Look, I know you might not get it, but I've got some rather stupid thoughts in my head. Can you babysit this bag of pills for me until I ask for them back? I'll need to get enough for a day's supply of X,Y, Z, but that's it."

Of course, that probably depends on what he already knows. Does he know about the bipolar? If he does - just let him know that you're having impulses that aren't very positive ones and you're just eliminating the opportunity to follow through on it. I think he'll be able to understand that?

(and I totally get the worry about being judged and whatnot... most of my latest posts/updates about myself have been the result of friends really not treating me very respectfully as they seem to think it's perfectly alright to talk about me and every single thing I divulge to one of them...)

[sugahorse1]

I've now texted a friend. Well, I hope she gets it enough to be able to care and keep an eye on me.

My bf knows about the bipolar, but doesn't get too involved. Largely because I am fairly stable and it doesn't interfere too much in our lives.
Yes, I am at work from 8-5.

I just need to breathe a distract myself

[~Christina]

Suga,

I'm sorry I can't remember .. Do you have a T? If so talk to he/she about how to deal with medications and how to stay safe. You won't get taken inpatient... I know my T offered to hold my medications for me in the past ... He said Ill keep them and just give you enough for 3 days at a time...
I hope your friend can understand what you need right now.

Stay safe

[sugahorse1]

My "friend" was a waste of time. Told me "I can't help you if you can't help yourself". Now isn't that a contradiction?? If I didn't need help I wouldn't be asking.

I know this going to take our friendship back 5 steps, but I probably should have known better. She is a low person. Very quick to ask me for help.

I do have a T and I see her later today. I cheat myself with the meds and cannot bring myself to hand them all over. I rely on the crutch too much. Took one Ativan and a Klonopin last night after a beer and 1.5 glasses of wine. I was extremely irritable before I managed to all asleep.
I just couldn't stop myself. I guess I wanted to be in control of something. I know I hurt myself like this. I was feeling depressed and lonely

[A Red Panda]

Suga, I'm so so so sorry that your "friend" utterly failed at being a friend! Stupid person - you WERE trying to help yourself! How can't she see that?

Definitely tell your T about the urges ok? It's important that you take care of yourself. Take everything with you to the T just in case you get the courage to ask your T for the help that your "friend" refused to give. You might not ask, but at least if you have them with you you can still convince yourself to try at the last second

I hope your T is more helpful than your "friend". Goodness. I am rather mad at your friend on your behalf - friend fails are currently a hot-topic for me!

[sugahorse1]

Just had enoug of this all. 2 weeks ago I nearly had a melt-down in T and today I feel so vulnerable.
And lonely.
Because they just don't seem to understand, or couldn't be bothered. I never thought I was a bad person.
Have been so tired, I had a snooze in my car from 9-9:30 earlier

[A Red Panda]

I've been feeling like that a lot lately too - really vulnerable and lonely and let down by the people I've put my trust in. It doesn't make us bad people!

Originally Posted by sugahorse1

My "friend" was a waste of time. Told me "I can't help you if you can't help yourself". Now isn't that a contradiction?? If I didn't need help I wouldn't be asking.

I know this going to take our friendship back 5 steps, but I probably should have known better. She is a low person. Very quick to ask me for help.

Doesn't sound like a friend to me. I suggest you take the friendship back 50 steps.

[sugahorse1]

I know I need to ignore this friendship. I was stupid to trust her.

I just feel guilty and bad that i am too weak to do this on my own. Why do i have to ask for help? Or take meds?

[Mack2]

I know exactly how you feel, I feel let down by my family, by my team, by my friends who have a nice happy life to live, and I feel totally alone. No one gets me. Personally, and this is what NOT to do is I wouldn't admit to anything as that takes away my last bit of control.

[~Christina]

Suga,

It takes more strength to ASK for help. Your not weak , not at all

[sugahorse1]

My T today was very understanding. Even gave me her email address to rather email her and not feel alone, than fall back on "needing" Klonopin. It means a lot to me. She asked if I wanted a hug and I so wanted to say yes, but then told her that I'd burst into tears. I don't know what I should have done. These are both new to me.

This BP roller coaster is the pits. I've just gone to bed now to read. I do feel lonely and wish someone could hold me. Yes, my boyfriend will hold me, but I just have so many pent up emotions. I don't know how to handle it.

You guys have been amazing...

[A Red Panda]

I usually burst into tears when people are nice to me when I'm not expecting it. I can handle all sorts of bad things.. but surprise me by being nice and I don't have a clue how to respond.

Eg. Worked at McD's when I was 16 or 17... once had some guy flip RIGHT out on me in the drive through and threw his change at me. (he wanted to his order split into two bills which I couldn't do because I had other orders in the queue.. if he'd asked when he'd ordered I'd have put it through like that for him and told everyone they were in the same car). So whatever. The next car pulls up and said how rude that person was and asked if I was ok.. I said "yes..." and then burst out crying!

It's ok to need help suga. Everyone needs a support system and it's just a shame that so many of us don't have one naturally in place because we've been let down by people so much. But we should never give up looking to find the people that we CAN trust, because they're so worth it.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by sugahorse1

I am already taking painkillers most nights because I seem to have a lot of dull headaches.

Suga, this can be exacerbating the problem. OTC painkillers can cause what is called REBOUND headaches. The more you take them, the worse it gets. I had it happen to me when I lost insurance coverage and could not afford my migraine medicine (it costs almost $300 a month without insurance). I bought some kind of cheap OTC crap from Bayer dubbed "migraine relief" and it made my migraines better, originally, by "dulling" them. They lasted much longer but were "dull", as in "3 on a scale of 0-10". But then I started getting more and more of them.

Finally I got the right prescription medicine by having somebody buy the migraine medicine in Russia at 1/4 or 1/5 the cost in the US, and now I have enough for the next 3-4 months. Since I stopped using the OTC painkiller, the frequency of the migraines has gone back to what is "baseline" for me (no more than once a week). And, it actually aborts the migraine attack rather than making it into a "dull" headache that then lasts for 24-36 hours.

I am not sure this is relevant for you - I am just picking up on your description of the headaches as "dull" because mine were EXACTLY that when I used OTC painkillers.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Hamster. I have proper migraines every now and again. Those are terrible.
Didn't need an OTC painkiller last night. The ones with Paracetamol don't really work - I need codeine.

I slept ok last night. I hope today is better.

@Cheshire - I would have burst into tears if my T hugged me. Guaranteed. But I wish I had. It's so hard to ask for help and not look like an attention seeker

[A Red Panda]

Yeah... I don't know how to handle physical contact with people if I'm not prepped for it. It surprises me if anyone shows that they actually care enough to want to touch me. Or even if they just say a nice thing to me.

[sugahorse1]

I really just people were a more simple species. And that I didn't have so many needs and emotions which are just a cauldron of a mess. I guess I'll work it out some day

[A Red Panda]

I've given up on working it all out - I found it easier to learn to accept "that I'm a bit chaotic because my brain is stupid and keeps effing with me". And wishing that people were easier?? You're wasting your time I like to think we're more like DoDo birds though because we are (as a species) taking ourselves closer and closer to extinction. Except we've got a slightly better chance of survival because at least a good chunk of us recognize the mess we're creating!

Goodness am I ever going to embarassed whenever I flop into another depression.... all these positive(ish) opinions will likely go right out the window :S

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by CheshireCatGrin

I've been feeling like that a lot lately too - really vulnerable and lonely and let down by the people I've put my trust in. It doesn't make us bad people!

Yes, I can relate to all this, it's tough, the being let down thing, the meds thing. Sometimes I do ok, sometimes not, and have been at this a while. Focusing a little on some physical activity or exercise earlier in day sometimes helps me with this problem, or doing something creative, or looking at something funny--these are some of the tools I can use with somewhat frequent success on these issues. The best, it's tough, I know!

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by Mack2

I know exactly how you feel, I feel let down by my family, by my team, by my friends who have a nice happy life to live, and I feel totally alone. No one gets me. Personally, and this is what NOT to do is I wouldn't admit to anything as that takes away my last bit of control.

This tough to deal with, Mack, but maybe you will find someone whom you can reach out to or who reaches out to you, on PC or in your real life, and wishes you well. Maybe also you will find another way to feel in control. I have long had a habit of often hiding problems behind a happy face, sometimes too unrealistic, I think--though positivity is important. The best!

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Suga,

It takes more strength to ASK for help. Your not weak , not at all

isn't that the truth??!!

[anneo59]

Originally Posted by CheshireCatGrin

I usually burst into tears when people are nice to me when I'm not expecting it. I can handle all sorts of bad things.. but surprise me by being nice and I don't have a clue how to respond.

Eg. Worked at McD's when I was 16 or 17... once had some guy flip RIGHT out on me in the drive through and threw his change at me. (he wanted to his order split into two bills which I couldn't do because I had other orders in the queue.. if he'd asked when he'd ordered I'd have put it through like that for him and told everyone they were in the same car). So whatever. The next car pulls up and said how rude that person was and asked if I was ok.. I said "yes..." and then burst out crying!

It's ok to need help suga. Everyone needs a support system and it's just a shame that so many of us don't have one naturally in place because we've been let down by people so much. But we should never give up looking to find the people that we CAN trust, because they're so worth it.

Neat story, Cheshire, and we sure do all need as much support as we can get, while giving it where we can, as well, when we are able. I liked your story. Some stuff like that has happened to me in the past as well!!