I'll try to be constructive , BUT

Forgive my rambling in advance. I know one thing is absolutely true, only people who have bipolar disorder can truly understand someone else with the disorder!

That unfortunately includes Pdocs. Yes I am with the same one.
What is that saying .... You are ..... If you keep doing the same thing over and over but expect different results.

I am not getting a slice of understanding here in the non-Internet world. I guess I just want to hear (read) I know exactly what you mean.

I will start with my PDOC. I want to know if I am expecting too much. I called him last week and told him vacation backfired. I came back more depressed and grief sickened. He listened then said see you in the future. Future, what does that mean ?
Friday morning I texted him, I am incredibly depressed and hopeless, the meds aren't helping. Do you have any ideas ?
Saturday morning rolls around with no answer. I am a bit mad.
I text him as if he answered me and say, THX I WILL TRY THAT
Within 2 minute he texts back WHAT
Then the house phone rings, it is him, my cell rings twice. I text back sorry wrong person.

If he can take that much time to yell at me, could he have answered my original text about meds ? I called him this morning
told him I am up to 800mg seroquel daily from 350mg and it is not helping. No answer yet, I know he won't call. To anyone new to this illness you have to become your own doctor.

Does anyone have an understanding spouse or significant other ?
If you do I envy you. Mine just keeps yelling at me, why are you depressed, why are you crying ? You think everything is about you ? Water the flowers, feed the animals, clean up, make dinner, why are you in bed again ?

Needless to say the wind is out of my sails (again). The weight/health transformation is not going to start now. I am just trying to stay alive, why, I am not sure ! This feels like hell

I think the phrase you're looking for is "beating a dead horse".

I'm really sorry to hear that you're hitting dead ends everywhere you look I'd keep trying at the health goal though, it's something healthy to work towards (Oh wow that sounds redundant).

Is there any chance that he just didn't see the text? I miss texts quite a bit... and I don't text with many people. Or I'll get a text when I'm really busy and actually don't have time to respond... and then forget about it until a few days later and go "OH oops". I find texts to be a rather unreliable form of communication... it's actually why I like it. If people don't respond I tend to assume that they've either not checked their phone, or checked it when they didn't really have time to reply. So when I get no response, I don't tend to feel bad.

Notice the word "don't tend". Sometimes I still do, and that's ok!

So familiar with this. My PDOC was the only person that I had to talk to about my bipolar, and other (depression, schizoeffective, mania, bipolar) he just basically sat there and prescribed major amounts of drugs, which I have taken so many SSRI"s, antipsychotics, antidepressants etc that didn't work so I stopped taking them, including seroquel as i gained so much weight with it as well as the anti psychotics that i had taken. I was on Lithium went off because of having to get blood levels tested often, depakote because of liver disease(don't have it but didn't want it) and other side effects.now I take Abilify which I have taken in the past and it did help only I gain weight(antipsychotic). I feel as if there is no way to win.My husband tells me that I just sit home and feel sorry for myself, no longer has empathy for what I am going through so yes it does feel like hell.

No he saw it or he would not have texted back WHAT, my text was right in front of it. He probably thought he told me something and forgot. He actually prefers text so his phone doesn't go off in a session. He just doesn't think I am important enough to answer.

We are rowing in the same boat, so to say ! It feels so awful and lonely, doesn't it ?

or he has his own "issues"...but, i would feel the same and likely act the same as you in the situation because it feels like you are (or i feel like i am those times) desperately drowning and they are standing on shore saying "why didn't s/he take swimming lessons?" and "it's a nice day blah blah"----i hate when i have done this and then find out the explanation was actually simple and had nothing to do with me personally...

No I don't really take it personally. But, he knows my situation. He knows the 1st anniversary of my sons birthday is coming up. He was my only child and died on 1/3/13. He has told me bipolar makes grieving worse. I contacted him 3 times within 5 days for some extra help, I have not received a response. Also, he has been my doctor for over 12 yrs.

If you really feel this way, then you should find a new doctor ASAP. However, even the best, most attentive doctors have lives outside of us, as well as other patients who also deal with their own crises. However, when I read this:

I got the impression that you didn't answer his calls, and instead texted him back that you were replying to someone else. Not only does that behavior come across as passive-aggressive, it is also dishonest. This is someone you should trust and feel able to be completely honest with - including the fact that you are upset and hurt by the fact that he did not reply sooner. By not telling him that you were disappointed by his delayed response, you are just communicating that he is meeting your treatment expectations. As far as he knows, he hasn't done anything wrong. This is setting you up to be let down again - he can't know that you were displeased by his choice in how to reply to you if you don't tell him, and if he repeats this behavior you will feel hurt again, and most likely even more angry with him and he will have no idea that you're upset or why.

Also, are you seeing a therapist? Most PDOC's do meds only, with the primary coping skills and support being provided by a therapist that you see regularly to learn the day to day coping skills. If you have a therapist, contact them for ideas on how to cope in the middle of a crisis. Your PDOC will typically not get involved in daily crisis issues unless it is the kind that relates to medication changes/side effects, a suicide attempt or hospitalization. Your therapist is the person who can help you find coping skills outside of medication, perhaps your doctor responded in the way he did because he believes you are in therapy and does not see this in his jurisdiction of the treatment plan. I'm sure he means well, but playing games by texting a response to make him notice you is not going to get you help. It is just fueling your frustration.

I would recommend trying to find another PDOC that you truly trust to tell them if you are unhappy with their approach to your treatment. You must be your own best advocate for health, including when to decide you might need a different doctor. If your doctor is a good doctor, he should be open to you telling him that you were unhappy with his response and the delay in replying. You need to be able to make your expectations clear, or he will not know whether he is meeting your needs as his patient. If you can't admit this to him, then you won't be able to trust him enough to make actual progress. If you are not in therapy, I recommend you find a therapist as soon as possible.

I hope that you hear that I am not trying to judge you in any way. You deserve to feel supported by your doctors, but you also need to be 100% honest with them so they can do that. I truly wish you the best in finding the support you need. I hope you start to feel better soon!

Yes, pdocs are a major pain in the arse! There may be a few good ones out there, but I've had more bad ones than good.

Obviously it's your pdoc you need to talk to about this, but until you do, I was wondering if he had suggested upping the Seroquel or did you do that on your own? The reason I ask is Seroquel in that large of a dose will knock most people on their butt. I took that much at the height of severe mania and I think I did sleep but the effect was very scary.

From what you say it sounds like your dealing with severe depression and Seroquel is an anti-psychotic. I guess they're using it now in conjunction with other meds for depression. At that high of a dose it will probably make you very tired and maybe more depressed.

I'm just giving opinion and I could be way off. Not trying to give medical advice. Just want to be helpful if I can. I hope you get ahold of your pdoc soon, and I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Take care.

thanks,

I am in a classic mixed state. Since my PDOC hasn't returned my calls I have upped the seroquel myself. what I feel is like being in hell ! usually seroquel helps enough to get by, but it seems like it isn't working at all. I feel like my brain is on fire a run away train going the wrong direction. I feel so much energy but I can't move. I hate all the suicidal thoughts running over and over. I hate the flashbacks of seeing my son all blue on the floor, saying to myself again and again you failed him. I even have deranged thoughts of searching his room for heroin. I have never touched the stuff, but I am desperate !!

My PDOC is not on board and neither is my husband, that leaves me typing on this IPAD.

I've never had a mixed episode, and I can't imagine dealing with the loss of a child. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I did have a very severe depression about twenty four years ago. It lasted almost a year and every second was torture and all I wanted was to die. I had small kids and I was unable to care for them which left me feeling horribly guilty.

Looking back on that period, I am wondering if it would have been called a mixed episode. I was super agitated but like you said I felt paralyzed. It was awful!

My husband these days is more supportive than he used to be. I take care of the basics as far as laundry, dishes, and the dogs, and he doesn't bug me much about the rest.

He only called to yell at me, I listened to the voice mail, instead of answering my question on how to relieve worsening symptoms. He does meds and therapy, though he usually takes about a 15 minute nap during the session. He won't see someone JUST for meds. I have been his patient for over 12 years it would take a book to explain the relationship between us. There are numerous times where he has ignored multiple phone calls from me when I have been in bad shape. Some of those times with no support I have ended up trying to take my life and ended up in the ICU on life support. Yes I have tried to fine someone else, but over the last few years I barely leave the house because of worsening agoraphobia. He will prescribe meds, (when he answers calls) over the phone. Since my sons death in January , I don't really care about living. I just want some relief while I am still here,

I know why I stayed off this site for so long. I really don't want to explain myself !!!! I don't want people making assumptions. This is not helpful.

Hope you all get better. Over and out for GOOD !!!!!!
Speed3

Speed3, I don't think anyone has been saying anything to be hurtful. It's hard to not make assumptions when we only know a short version, which would be why people would make guesses and try to help give some reasonings. We have no way to know that your pdoc has clearly been a s***** pdoc for ages, nor could we know that he was calling to yell at your or that he had left a voice message yelling at you!

I'm sorry that you have decided to leave again, and I hope that you find the help that you want.

I am so sorry for your loss, anniversaries are very difficult.
I do also think beachbumgirl has some good points as I look back, unless you mis-communicated the sequence of events.
Can you allow yourself to grieve and rave without trying to put yourself out with increased med doses? It sounds like you are feeling no one understands...but you might be making it more difficult for yourself. It is ok to really lose it, without hurting yourself, at times...
This will sound stupid, I am afraid, but do you, or have you, spent any time in peer support groups for those who have lost children?

I would be having the same thing of considering to find some heroin in his room and I've never tried it either - I just totally get it - any relief - any small connection with him. I layed in my boys bed crying while he was in rehab & jail, terrified for his life. Then he relapsed right when he got home, around when I met you & your sons tragic death. I felt such a connection to you and him. I prayed to J and could swear his presence was there in the courtroom and helping my boy get clean he's of meth & heroin since January. I'm sobbing just writing this - feeling pretty crazy lately & sorry I can't be on here so much. My attention span is shot. But I want u to know I was grateful & relieved to see u posting & still "here". I feel it through my soul that J wants u to complete ur life journey, ur path is there it's just dark and hard to see right now. Thank u for being alive. Sending love & hugs & prayers ur way
Regarding pdoc - if there's anyway pls find a new one. It's like he's too comfortable with u & should be more professional. Like a stale relationship that's run its course. Just my 2 cents about pdoc.
Love u lady.

Instead

Thank you for all the thoughtful and constructive comments
Keep them coming, I love all of you !!

My sympathies about your son. It must be unbearable. I can understand your needing help more than ever. What ever you decide to do about you pdoc, I hope you get the help you need and soon. Sorry you don't have your husband's support either. You do have us here at PC to listen.
Gayle