[spydermonkey]

woke up at 330, seems to be usual for me right now. feeling really lethargic and a little concerned because i started lamictal recently and im getting a rash, isn't going away but isn't getting worse and my doc told me to watch and wait, reducing the dosage a bit. not depressed, not manic, just tired.

[Roblovescats]

I haven't checked in here in awhile. I'm here.

Sent from the dark side of the moon

[Cocosurviving]

I'm back in the state I love. Although I'm only here for a visit IDC I'm here.

Tuesday was terrible I didn't get enough sleep so I decided to drink lots of caffeine to stay awake. I started feeling really sick....shaking. I was driving to my destination. I had to pull over and get a hotel rm.

Wednesday was not horribly bad. I woke up a finished driving to my destination alone. It was still hard. This thing called BP 1 has changed another thing abt me. I use to be able to get charged up on caffeine and drive ten hrs alone. Well not anymore. After I made it to town made a few stops. The third stop required me to stand in line. The agency had a disorganized line system. It was hard it tell which customer was next and which representative they were to report to. The end result was me cussing out the man behind me and a man next to me. I also cussed out the lady that FINALLY assisted me. She called me over THEN told me to wait and go back, said she needed to help someone else then wld call me over. After all this crap a relaxed by going to a dinner held at church. I was able to visit with familiar faces that gave me a smile. Later a spend a long time chatting with a friend.

Thursday
Today started off half crap in my book. I went to Bible study at my old church. The topic "being mad at God" came up. I admitted I was and why (bc I asked over and over for Him to take my MI away and He did no). No one really could understand well I felt tried to LISTEN but one person. The other part of my day has been good. I've been hang at my alma matar

Sent from The Land of Golden Sunshine using Tapatalk

[charo224488]

Originally Posted by Cocosurviving

I'm back in the state I love. Although I'm only here for a visit IDC I'm here.

Tuesday was terrible I didn't get enough sleep so I decided to drink lots of caffeine to stay awake. I started feeling really sick....shaking. I was driving to my destination. I had to pull over and get a hotel rm.

Wednesday was not horribly bad. I woke up a finished driving to my destination alone. It was still hard. This thing called BP 1 has changed another thing abt me. I use to be able to get charged up on caffeine and drive ten hrs alone. Well not anymore. After I made it to town made a few stops. The third stop required me to stand in line. The agency had a disorganized line system. It was hard it tell which customer was next and which representative they were to report to. The end result was me cussing out the man behind me and a man next to me. I also cussed out the lady that FINALLY assisted me. She called me over THEN told me to wait and go back, said she needed to help someone else then wld call me over. After all this crap a relaxed by going to a dinner held at church. I was able to visit with familiar faces that gave me a smile. Later a spend a long time chatting with a friend.

Thursday
Today started off half crap in my book. I went to Bible study at my old church. The topic "being mad at God" came up. I admitted I was and why (bc I asked over and over for Him to take my MI away and He did no). No one really could understand well I felt tried to LISTEN but one person. The other part of my day has been good. I've been hang at my alma matar

Sent from The Land of Golden Sunshine using Tapatalk

Thanks for this. I'm also angry at God for the same reason- I understand. No one gets it when I talk about it either. Read that book 'when bad things happen to good people'- it didn't help at all!

[charo224488]

So I was so nicely manic for a while, got so much done and felt pretty great and now in the span of about 48 hours everything has gone to hell. Why- I have no idea. Meds are the same, life is the same... it's just this stupid unfair world will not allow me to be happy. My dr. wants me on lithium. I used to take it, actually had a few stints on it, and I hate it. The mood stabilization makes me feel dead, flat, sad, tired. My dr. says it's how everyone feels and I'm just not comfortable with it because I'm used to the extremes. Is it really how everyone feels? That is really too bad if that is the case. Maybe taking a pill to control mood is just stupid anyway. Maybe this is just me, and I'm trying to undo it with meds. What if I'm meant for something more, but meds never let me achieve anything that I should? I have so many questions. I forgot how horribly painful depression is, not just mentally but physically. I feel like my limbs are concrete. I'm thinking of just cutting the xanax and trying to be strong enough to get through this bad period, then maybe I'll come out the other side and I'll be well. I've only cut the xanax for 2 days and already panic attacks. Maybe they will stop? Who the hell knows? Why won't I take lithium? Should I? If anyone has advice, whatever it is, please share it.

[Curiosity77]

I stayed home sick today from work because of my needle stick injury yesterday and the ARVs I have to take. Luckily the side effects haven't been nearly as bad as what the ER doctor told me. But the meds plus having a cold left me with no energy, and feeling mildly depressed and very flat. I stayed in bed until almost 1, then got up and moved to the couch and stayed there until 4 doing nothing. Then I went and saw my T and now I'm home.

The session with my T was not very productive. I felt like we were talking, but not really getting to anything important. So that was a little frustrating, but I was having trouble connecting to anything real. All week I've felt like I'm a couple of steps away from what is happening around me, and not fully participating in any of it, so that's exactly what my therapy session felt like. My therapist wants me to ask my pdoc what behaviors I would need to demonstrate for her to reduce or discontinue my medications. I would love to be off meds, but my pdoc says it's a bad idea and therapist is in support of giving it a try. I would like to try to come off with medical supervision, but that would require convincing pdoc to try it. My T and pdoc would disagree on just about everything, and I agree with parts of what they both say, and I disagree with parts of what they both say. I know for certain that I don't want to be as heavily medicated as I am now for life, but I want to be smart about coming off so that I stay OK.

I feel like a broken record talking about the same stuff over and over... sorry for that, and thank you for reading.

[tigersassy]

Doing fantastic. Don't know if its the zyprexa working or if its not working and hypo is hanging on. I'm trying to get all my dickies in a row before I get off from work. I want everything to flow smoothly, but I doubt it will. So much in my head I can't let it out all at once or it'll be words that make no sense. Have therapist appointment today after work which should be fun. Hopefully I can think of stuff to make myself talk about unlikely the last few times. I don't like therapy I feel like we are stuck but then again I have to talk in order to work things out. But it's hard to talk about things if you don't like talking about them because that makes them real. But what can you do? Gotta get back to work. Hope everyone is well or on their wag to well.

Tig

[x_BabyG_x]

Sending out positive vibes to everyone today ❤️

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Snow!

I accomplished 2 things. I moved my TV in front of my treadmill and bought an IPOD for upbeat music. A workout IPOD.

Now I'm sick with a bad cold, but emotionally I feel pretty good. weird.

[GenCat]

I felt super wired and high during therapy. I think my T thought I was going insane, at least that's what I felt like anyway.

[Phoenix_1]

The snow storm is over but now it's cold. Bummer - Where's spring? I'm finally doing laundry today. I haven't done laundry since my surgery. Lots and lots to wash. It'll be so nice not to have to look at that depressing pile of dirty laundry any more. I phoned my grandson today - it's his 6th birthday. He's in kindergarten and he invited his entire class to his birthday party at the YMCA tomorrow - 24 kids. I feel sorry for my daughter. Oh my.

Sent from my Samsung Note II using Tapatalk

[Roblovescats]

Little up little down little lonely little tired little confused. Little stressed not going to get enough work done this weekend before Monday ... Two rounds of golf I HAVE to play. let's see grade papers or golf? Tough one. Need to think on it. Hmm? Wait I need a beer while I ponder my choices...

Sent from the dark side of the moon

[Cocosurviving]

Originally Posted by charo224488

Thanks for this. I'm also angry at God for the same reason- I understand. No one gets it when I talk about it either. Read that book 'when bad things happen to good people'- it didn't help at all!

I knew it was not just me. I don't mean to be disrespectful I'm just hurt by the what I'm dealing with. I'll skip reading that book...thx for the heads up. LOL

Sent from The Land of Golden Sunshine using Tapatalk

[Cocosurviving]

My day was pretty bitter sweet. I had lots of fun with grad friends. I also did something that I'm not proud of. I said I would steer clear of trouble. But I called it up then could not resist. Now I'm going to keep it a secret to not ruin my relationship. Tonight me and a few friends went to a karaoke lounge. We had a real blast. I ate and watched bc I do not sing. LOL

Sent from The Land of Golden Sunshine using Tapatalk

[Curiosity77]

Today was a pretty good day. I got Rx pads with my name on them for the first time. Previously I was borrowing from the team doctors, and writing my name and NP credentials onto the scripts. I've been at this job since May, and today the medical director came into my office with a box, and said "I've got a present for you," and he gave me that Rx pads. This was double good, because I told him about my bipolar a couple weeks ago, and he still had the pads made. I graduated in 2011, but I was really sick for the last couple semesters of my training, cycling and highly anxious. Shortly after grad, i had to go on a 6 month medical leave because of bipolar. Then I bounced around jobs, working casual and taking ****** contracts for a year, and it seemed like all my studies were for nothing, and it seemed like I would never work as an NP - until I finally found this job in May. Today felt like I'm a permanent person on the team. One of the pdocs was jokingly asking me for an Rx for seroquel. Kind of strange that someone would joke about that with me, when seroquel is one of my meds, but he doesn't know that. That joke might have bothered sometimes, but today I didn't let it get to me. It's beeg an uphill battle to get my career back on track, but it finally feels like things are coming together.

[Unrigged64072835]

Been busy with my and my daughter's doc appts. the past few days. Have more of them next week. Will be glad to have a week when it's only our Ts.

On an upswing at the moment. Don't feel like I'm dragging through the day, so that's good.

This 8-month long depressive episode just seems to be getting worse. See pdoc on Tuesday. Perhaps he can perform a miracle - - NOT.

[littlemiss44]

I am feeling horrible. I.had my back surgery three weeks ago and now I'm trying to ween myself off my pain meds. It is awful. It's triggering my anxiety really bad...all of this while I'm in a depressive episode. Oh gosh I want off this roller coaster so bad. I don't feel like I'm part of life since all I've been doing IS resting. I'm so tired of resting. It's making my depression worse. I'm wondering if I should go to the hospital because of my si urges. How Is it that I'm taking all these meds and I'm still unstable? They only work so much then we're left over with stuff. Sigh

Sent from my SGH-M919 using Tapatalk

[charo224488]

Feeling really sad today. Trying not to give in and start crying- I'd like to try to get out of the house and the crying just makes me look like crap. Also afraid if I start I'll never stop. Cutting xanax was a very bad decision- the panic was too much so I went back up to full dose last night and now this. Wondering if this is all worth the trouble.

[Moreta]

Feeling good today. Went out for lunch, then went for a walk and took the dogs to the dog park. Let the dogs run around for 30 mins, so between that and the walk, they're passed out now. Met a dog trainer while there, so my husband is going to call her this week and set up some training for the puppy. On the way home, stopped at the gas station for some drinks and I got a scratch off ticket. Won $10, yay!

Later today I have a massage. Going to enjoy that.

[x_BabyG_x]

Feeling okay today. Spent the day being sociable and relaxed, however feeling very tired the past few days. I've been taking naps... Which usually signals the start of a dip. Please no depression, stay away! It wasn't that long ago since my last one!

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[GenCat]

Today was definitely an up day. Got a lot done at work. I actually was in a super good mood and was happy. I also have tons of energy!

[Standup2me]

Feeling self destructive
Just ate two monster cinnamon buns
Have not showered since Weds.
Started staring in the abyss again

[tigersassy]

Scared that I'm mixed or falling into the abyss called depression. I started crying yesterday for no reason, but still had energy.

Tig

Had overnight leave.... didnt go as well as planned, but did make me realise just how sick I am and that I do need to be here. I just hope I never have to go through what I went though last week again. I hope Im out of the worst and on the way back out of this depression. I think the zeldox increase has helped and I've had very few side effects nor felt doped up, which proves to me that the increase was necessary. The nurse I made a complaint about is on tonight... He scares me HUGE big man with a short temper. I might have to turn to the benzos tonight. I just finished the relaxation class but coming back to ward and seeing him triggered my anxiety.