[FaithlessCat]

Seems like a lot of us are having bad days right now myself included. Feel it's important to say I really would be lost without you folks. It means so much to me to know I am never alone.

The day has finally arrived for my psych appointment. I think hubby will have to speak for me as I am at the point of being inconsolable when anyone tries to ask how I am

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Originally Posted by Curiosity77

Saw my pdoc today and i asked to stop the saphris. She said i need to be on an AP pretty much forever, so if not saphris i'll have to pick another. I don't see any point in changing because saphris is fine, i want off all of them not a switch to another one. She gave me the typical "if it were diabetes would you want to stop your meds" talk, which i understand but i also find highly annoying and oversimplified. So i said if it were diabetes i could try lifestyle management to bring down the glucose, the treatment is not always insulin. I said that i think it was a series of very stressful events that triggered my major episodes, and as long as i keep my stress level low i should be fine. So she said that there are always stresses in life and bad stuff happens unpredictably, but that my reactions to things are too extreme when off meds. She said that most people don't require hospitalization to cope with stress. She told me i need to have more acceptance and stop being so hard on myself. She said i will always have a vulnerable brain, and the combo of lacmictal, wellbutrin, and an AP is probably permanent. She said if i don't like saphris we can try latuda.

Anyways, it wasn't what i wanted to hear. I don't like to think of my brain as vulnerable. I think my brain is pretty strong and resilient to have bounced back from some pretty extreme states and still br functioning pretty well. I don't likd being told i am sick. She said accept the chronic condition, but don't let it define me.

I guess part of me hasn't accepted it yet. I have a really hard time distinguishing the libe between my regular life experiences and illness. It's so blurry. I don't want to medicate my life away, but i don't want to be hospitalized or get sick enough to require other people to take care of me.

How do i get to acceptance? How do i lower my expectations for myself and what is possible for my life?

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I've had a similar experience. I am still working on acceptance and testing the boundaries of what I can deal with.

There is a type of therapy called Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), which I am looking into. It seems to be tailored mindfulness and self observation from what I can gather so far. Both of which I do a lot of so Im not sure if it will be helpful to me. I know there are self help books on it so I might seek out one of those instead of finding an expensive group or therapist. Next step of the journey.

Today has been another "get through it one hour at a time day". I am not enjoying life at all, but keep on going because thats what "they" want me to do. I still have to go to work soon, which feels impossible, but I know I will put one foot infront of the other and just do it. I have no reward or relief.

[updown]

Important job interview from last week yielded no results. I was able to apply to a couple places earlier and do some freelance work on my own time, then just played video games. Now I'm drunk at 4 am and ate a sandwich so I could take my Depakote, even though it doesn't work, I still have racing thoughts every night. Feels like more of a hindrance than anything, no money to see a pdoc or therapist. Just waiting for better days I guess.

Very nervous about my first day on the new job. Depression persists, but I will prevail - - at least for this morning on the job! Shall update later on how it went . . .

[Moreta]

Went to t this morning. Was hard. We decided that when my job is over, that I should go do a PHP. Fun times. I called and made a pdoc appt for the 16th. Too bad I couldn't get something earlier.

[Standup2me]

What's PHP? To me PHP is a scripting language mostly used in web-based sites.

[tigersassy]

Fabulous day other than the ****** factor at work, but what can I do? Think I'm still a little hypo/manic. My creativity is running away with me and I can't keep up with everything I want to do. Too much in my head.

Tig

[Moreta]

Originally Posted by Standup2me

What's PHP? To me PHP is a scripting language mostly used in web-based sites.

Partial Hospitalization Program.

[Blue_Bird]

Applied for disability, I know that's going to be a long process.

[swheaton]

I had a physical today. Doc is suggests a low carb, low cholesterol diet. Geodon can raise my numbers. It also appears that I have GERD and a gallbladder issue. Stupid.Stupid.

[Cocosurviving]

My day started out fast pace, extra busy, major multitasking and I melt like I was letting someone down by not keeping up. Then I had an errand to run across town. I received a call that someone was at my mom's house to repo my car. The guy gets on the phone and asks me to give him my car....(I'm thinking like hell.) I ask the guy if we can work the matter out? The repo man tells me to speak with my car comp. I called them and got the info to make a quick payment by Money Gram. I have never been so scared and embarrassed in my life.

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[r010159]

The caretaker for my mother walked out on me. I was very agitated and afraid of losing it. Now I am posting and listening to my music. Lalalala...

[FaithlessCat]

I broke my silence with the siciopath "best friend / online lover of 10 years " ....because I thought he had removed me from his friends list on psn ( something I have been working towards doing myself ) ... I could feel the old feelings of panic and sadness and then anger that he still controls my feelings. I messaged him to ask if he had done it. He said "no" .... no further communication from him after that but ...

He's now of my friends list regardless of how it happened 😊

If I can just reach the state of no longer having feelings I will finally be free.

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[Notnrml85]

It's 3:20 am and I can't sleep cause I hurt right now. My nurse just gave me some pain meds though, so hopefully I'll be okay soon. Still in the hospital. Supposedly I'm going home later today. Yesterday they put in a picc line for me to go home with. It was terrifying and it hurt so bad. And on top of that, while they were in there, they hit a nerve and it was the worst feeling. So I guess I'll have to have this thing in for 6 weeks at home getting IV antibiotics every 8 hours the whole time. I have osteomyelitis (bone infection) in my hip/femoral head. I guess I'm lucky they caught it before the infection in my bone did any real damage to my hip. I can't wait to sleep in my own bed tonight, especially with my husband I've been sleeping alone for 5 nights now and it's almost as lonely as a psych ward. I'm so exhausted and blah that most of the time I can't figure out what kind of mood I'm in cause all I feel are physical symptoms. Then every once in a while since I've been here I'll just feel so overwhelmed that I have a full blown panic attack. Anyways that's all I feel like typing at this time.

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[kitten55]

I've been depressed and suicidal for weeks. Yesterday, after a long search, my therapist finally touched on a nerve that still works...the original reason why I ever did any photography or painting in the first place was to capture the scenes that move me. It was like recalling a dream. Today, I will see if I have it in me to recapture some of that incentive...to see if I care anymore.

Second day on new job is upon me. I'm not liking this. Still feeling very depressed and like I can't function. Somehow, I will make it through this morning and we'll see what the afternoon has in store. Will try not to put too much pressure on myself yet get some things done too - - maybe?

[Hbomb0903]

Terrible sleep last night, but I'm going to a bipolar group tonight at 6. Counting down the days until I see the pdoc 4/9. I hope I get some motivation. Right now I just want to sleep forever, and not because I'm particularly tired.

I got through my days with the kids and I love them so much. They deserve a more energized and motivated Mom than this. That is my motivation. I have to get better for them and for what I still have left to do!!!

[Notnrml85]

Originally Posted by kitten55

I've been depressed and suicidal for weeks. Yesterday, after a long search, my therapist finally touched on a nerve that still works...the original reason why I ever did any photography or painting in the first place was to capture the scenes that move me. It was like recalling a dream. Today, I will see if I have it in me to recapture some of that incentive...to see if I care anymore.

Hey, just the fact that you're entertaining the idea means that you've gotta have a little hope and motivation in you. Hang in there.

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[Notnrml85]

Originally Posted by Hbomb0903

Terrible sleep last night, but I'm going to a bipolar group tonight at 6. Counting down the days until I see the pdoc 4/9. I hope I get some motivation. Right now I just want to sleep forever, and not because I'm particularly tired.


I got through my days with the kids and I love them so much. They deserve a more energized and motivated Mom than this. That is my motivation. I have to get better for them and for what I still have left to do!!!

I feel that same way about my kids and my husband. I am only ever in treatment so I can be a better mom and wife, not so I can feel better for myself.

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[charo224488]

Originally Posted by Curiosity77

Saw my pdoc today and i asked to stop the saphris. She said i need to be on an AP pretty much forever, so if not saphris i'll have to pick another. I don't see any point in changing because saphris is fine, i want off all of them not a switch to another one. She gave me the typical "if it were diabetes would you want to stop your meds" talk, which i understand but i also find highly annoying and oversimplified. So i said if it were diabetes i could try lifestyle management to bring down the glucose, the treatment is not always insulin. I said that i think it was a series of very stressful events that triggered my major episodes, and as long as i keep my stress level low i should be fine. So she said that there are always stresses in life and bad stuff happens unpredictably, but that my reactions to things are too extreme when off meds. She said that most people don't require hospitalization to cope with stress. She told me i need to have more acceptance and stop being so hard on myself. She said i will always have a vulnerable brain, and the combo of lacmictal, wellbutrin, and an AP is probably permanent. She said if i don't like saphris we can try latuda.

Anyways, it wasn't what i wanted to hear. I don't like to think of my brain as vulnerable. I think my brain is pretty strong and resilient to have bounced back from some pretty extreme states and still br functioning pretty well. I don't likd being told i am sick. She said accept the chronic condition, but don't let it define me.

I guess part of me hasn't accepted it yet. I have a really hard time distinguishing the libe between my regular life experiences and illness. It's so blurry. I don't want to medicate my life away, but i don't want to be hospitalized or get sick enough to require other people to take care of me.

How do i get to acceptance? How do i lower my expectations for myself and what is possible for my life?

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I took saphris once and had a really bad reaction. I am bipolar 1 and do not take an AP. Just an snri and benzo. I feel more in control that way. It allows me to feel a little more alive. I disagree that you need those meds for life. And as far as acceptance, I still don't accept this after 15yrs, so if you are able to find a way please let me know how. Best of luck!

[charo224488]

I just want to pose a question to all of you- do you 'enjoy' taking benzos? Do you consider them a 'reward' for your anxiety/panic? I ask because I am having an ongoing disagreement with a psychiatrist that writes a blog on this site, and I'd really like everyone's opinion. Thanks for answering.

[PoorPrincess]

Originally Posted by charo224488

I just want to pose a question to all of you- do you 'enjoy' taking benzos? Do you consider them a 'reward' for your anxiety/panic? I ask because I am having an ongoing disagreement with a psychiatrist that writes a blog on this site, and I'd really like everyone's opinion. Thanks for answering.

I don't take benzos albeit I would if any doc would prescribe. In my experience that just is not what they do nowadays.

For the brief time years and years ago that I was prescribed, I did not 'enjoy' them. Rather I deeply appreciated the effective relief from an intolerable state of being.

[Phoenix_1]

Originally Posted by charo224488

I just want to pose a question to all of you- do you 'enjoy' taking benzos? Do you consider them a 'reward' for your anxiety/panic? I ask because I am having an ongoing disagreement with a psychiatrist that writes a blog on this site, and I'd really like everyone's opinion. Thanks for answering.

I've been taking Clonazepam (Klonopin) since 1987. At first when I took it I felt an enormous sense of relief because my terrible anxiety would just disappear. Now I don't notice much of an effect from it, but my pdoc says I should continue to take it. From time to time I quit taking it for a month or so to see if the good feelings would come back but they don't. When I go off it I have a bad headache for 2-3 days and then I feel ok. So I'm not sure if it helps me now or not.

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[Notnrml85]

Originally Posted by charo224488

I just want to pose a question to all of you- do you 'enjoy' taking benzos? Do you consider them a 'reward' for your anxiety/panic? I ask because I am having an ongoing disagreement with a psychiatrist that writes a blog on this site, and I'd really like everyone's opinion. Thanks for answering.

I do not enjoy taking any of my pills, but I do it because they make it easier for me to live and occasionally even thrive. If I did not take klonopin, I probably would be having panic attacks daily (like I was before I started taking it). The enjoyable part is the calm instead of the frantic panic. I've never had any kind of "high" or anything like that from a benzo... Just a mild calm feeling, like the same affect anything relaxing feels (a bath, a cup of tea etc) except the clam lasts much longer than just taking a nice bath.

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[PoorPrincess]

I simply cannot help but be amazed that so many are able to have the good fortune of compassionate doctors who do still prescribe benzos.
For the last 10 years my experience is that it is 'policy' nowadays that they do not and refuse to do so when asked.

I am glad for those of you with a more compassionate mindset doctor.