Rage is a monster that destroys relationships

Recovering from horrendous fight with partner, almost ending in my moving out -- was already packing, had told parents and everyone at work I was moving back. I was on the way out.
Partner and I had disagreement about a fundamental issue we don't agree about.

Still bad vibes from those couple of days, though he still wants me to stay. Culminated in violence a few days ago when I, in a rage, swept everything off of his desk, smashing his monitor, throwing my phone against the wall which broke it, knocked over the lamp, knocked stuff all over the place. It was bad.

He helped me get my phone replaced. It's been a couple days and things are calmer, but not back to normal. The damage between us was done.

I scheduled an appointment with a therapist to address the anger control issues. I know it's the bipolar, but there's a split second before the point of no return where one can make a choice to just scream and walk away, or destroy anything in one's path.

I can't believe how this can come out of me. Why anyone would stay, I don't know. Who could live with that? This is a good man, and I just hope that I don't let this monster destroy what he and I could create with each other.

I do the same thing. Getting worse. My therapist recommends I get another placebo I can remove myself periodically to get some down time. Anyone do this?

sorry this happened.

yes, i know, rage can be so devistating. i hope you figure something out

There's a 5 to 1 rule I've heard about, applied to romantic relationships. The rule is that for every one negative interaction, there should be at least five positive ones. I wonder how many negatives one of these bipolar monster smashing rage episodes counts for? It can't count as little as a disagreement about which brand of bread to buy.

How many negatives do you think one of these rages counts as? 5?

I'm not necessarily saying you should end the relationship, but you two at least need to take a break. What is the fundamental issue you two can't agree on?

I think the anger is one of the worst things about this struggle. It is when i am angry that I cause the most hurt and feel the guiltiest. I've screamed at my husband, thrown things at him, even hit him a few times in the past year. The last time I hit him he threatened to leave me. He's right, though - I'm committing domestic violence, even though I can't hurt him very badly due to my size. The intent to hurt him is there, and that's wrong. It is very hard for me to control my anger, especially when in an irritable state, as part of depression or hypo/mania. The farther I am into an episode the worse my impulse control is. But I do try to take deep breaths when I get angry, before I say something I can't take back or do something I will regret. It's extremely difficult and I would say I only manage to avert disaster 25% of the time but still that's better than zero.

I don't know about the negatives vs. positives rule. it doesn't sound like something i'd put stock in :-p

Do try to go to therapy. A therapist can help you figure out the best ways for you to control your anger. The best for me is to take a deep breath, then try to remove myself from the situation (not always possible for my husband is an agitator at times). When I am calm I can go back and talk about it. Good luck!

My wife and I both struggle with rage. Of course there are triggers in our relationship, but I attribute mine mainly to bipolar, ADHD, past trauma, etc... She basically attributes here just to being with me, and while I have given her LOTS to be upset about due to the bipolar, especially during the time when I was undiagnosed, I think that is a bit short sighted of her. Nevertheless, I have a very difficult time controlling my tone at all times. I am irritable in the best of times. When I feel exasperated by something she is saying about me or something, I can fly off the handle. At it's worst I fly into what I refer to as black manias where I become self destructive and destructive to things around me though not to her. I have been working with diet and I have eliminated caffeine and alcohol which has taken the top and bottom end off of my symptoms actually. So that is something you might try. Do you drink? smoke? drink a lot of caffeine? Those things for me were huge. When I eliminated them, I felt like a totally different person.

Anyhow, I feel you, and I share that sentiment, 'why would anyone stay with me'? But so far my wife is still here, and for the time being, I am not giving up...
Hope you guys strength too...
Warm wishes!
MT

I don't have any solutions. I just want to let you know I am the same way. I get so angry I truly believe I hate my husband. I have said/done some terrible things. I feel like he is not doing everything he can to support me though. He's a good guy, with some demons of his own. He is selfish. I am selfish. Right now I need him to be strong because I am so up and down, back and forth...I can't stand myself.

I have lots of anger issues. My husband has learned to deal with it in that he calls me out on it. When I'm on my meds (now versus before) I can at least see what he's talking about and I can shut my mouth even if my inner monster is still raging at him over something that wasn't even his fault. Most of the time. Not all of the time. Meds have at least given me a fighting chance.

It's probably the one thing that bothers me most. That and the paranoia I get. Both have caused some pretty ugly moments in my marriage. Luckily, my husband is supportive and understanding and takes most of what I say when angry with a grain of salt. I know it still hurts him and I too say "why is he still with me??" but I think he's learned to filter it out so to speak.

Saw my psychiatrist today. He put me back on Latuda, which I will hope mellow me out.

Blow up was about getting married. Deal was when I moved in was that I wasn't taking it lightly and wanted to eventually get married, not just stayed shacked up indefinitely. He said we would get married in a couple of years. My 41st b-day rolls along and we've been living together a year. I figure by now, he would know if he wants to get married. It's not like we're young -- I'm 41, he's 53. His reply was that he feels pressured and that we will someday, but he has to think some more about it, etc.

I was exasperated because I was just dang tired of waiting. At this point, you either know or you don't.

So anyway, some days went by, I looked at some dating sites and saw some guys that were looking for someone to get married to. Blech. I realized it wouldn't be difficult to find someone to marry, but would be very difficult to find someone like my partner. So I gave up the marriage idea, and am just happy that I have found someone.

Abilify cured my rages.

I've met women women who have had those sorts of tantrums about getting married. They did not need to be medicated because of one nutso event.

You can never ever push anyone into marriage. It is a long term commitment - life long, both parties need to be really sure - and that can take years. Whats the rush if he does want to be with you? Do you need a green card or something? Pushing him into it is far more likely to result in ending it early. Marriage does not guarantee that he will stay with you, especially if these kind of tantrums are a regular occurrence.

Have you ever thought about doing DBT? This could be beneficial to you.

I feel your pain. I too suffer from rages. Actually, before I came across this thread, I thought my rages might be something else other than bipolar as I rarely found anyone in support groups who knew what I was talking about when describing it.

I ended up calling it "hulking out" because it feels like I lose about 30 to 40 IQ points when it happens. I know what it's like, teetering on the edge of that cliff, right before you fall into the maelstrom of mindless anger of which there is no real escape. There is that split second where you desperately reach out and try to grab on to something, anything, that will anchor your mind. For me, sometimes, I can do it and stop it before it happens. But most times, well.... there is no stopping it.

For me, I really think my GF is a trigger. She does the same things over and over again that she knows causes fights, expecting a different result. I think I need to leave but I am in a tough spot with that. She has to want to leave. We are currently in a symbiotic relationship of sorts. I make the money, her name is on the apartment. So, she ether has to agree to leave, or I leave her high and dry unable to pay any bills. I won't do that. So, yeah. Stuck in an endless cycle of rages right now. Definitely know how it feels. Hang in there. Will keep you in my thoughts and hope for the best

Yikes BinaryMan. Not good. Maybe give her a 90 day notice? I am in a similar position. I believe my husband would leave me if he thought he could. He says otherwise. So I don't know if its because I'm paranoid or intuitive.

Doesn't work. She know's I won't leave her in a situation like that.

Maybe you are my husband in disguise. I don't think he would ever leave me. I would have to leave him. I won't. Not yet.

I sound terrible. It's probably exasperated by my depression. I would tell you a complete opposite story when I'm high. Although, he would never leave me. I sometimes wish he would.

Please get help. I have been mentally and physically abused for 14 years don't let it keep going. Don't let it get worst.

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I feel very guilty, you know? The GF spent four years of dealing with a man with un-diagnosed, un-medicated and untreated bipolar who is prone to going into rages. She stood by me for four years despite all that. When the diagnosis came along she started researching, buying books... trying to be supportive you know? And that was great. Love her for that and all the other awesome things she does. However... I am not going to become stable any time soon. Most of what I read on the subject say that, on average, a bipolar patient treated with a combination of medication, psychological treatment, exercise, and diet will reach a stable state in 18 months. That is a long time. I have just gotten to a state where I make enough money to go to counseling once a week and now that I am on a health plan I can go to a real MD instead of seeing a registered nurse for meds. But still... 18 months. I really don't want to put the GF though that, and on the flip-side, in her current state she might actually HINDER my progress. It is painful to say, but true.

Relationships just feel.... like something I am not supposed to experience right now. Like I said in a previous thread, I really think I need to live alone at this point.

Not to sound negative, but I've read that it takes upwards of 3 years. I am sort of with you on this. I feel like my husband is another hurdle in me getting better. Once I get to a healthy place we have to get our marriage to a healthy place and that seems like a mountain from where I am standing. Like maybe I could get better, faster, if he wasn't a part of my life. Perhaps the opposite is true though. It would be a drastic life change to be single, and something you or I could regret. We aren't well. We shouldn't be making drastic life changes right now. I'd lean on your therapist here though. They would know if you are in a healthy relationship, or if it is hindering you. Your gf sounds awesome about trying to support you. I bought my husband a book and he hasn't read it, I don't think he realizes how much that hurts. It's not like he doesn't read well, or can't sit down and read a book. He often reads an incredible amount for his job. He really just doesn't "get me." I was hoping he'd read the book and have an ah-hah moment. How can he get me though, I don't get me. One last thing, you can't let your guilt get the best of you. You sound like you feel guilty. You mention those years she stuck by you. If you leave her in 4 more years though, she'd be pissed you took up 8 years of her life when you knew you couldn't be with her. Know what I am getting at? I am sure you've already thought about this though. You sound so sad about the way you feel about your relationship. I could be way off base, just my feelings on the matter and the way I am perceiving things. Ignore how blunt I am, my husband says I'm rude lol. I call myself honest.