[lost&wandering]

I feel like I'm dying a slow death.
Lacking the basic human connections needed to make each day worth waking up to.
My own fault.
Isolating myself from people. Cutting off friends... throwing them away.
I'm killing myself by stripping away everyone that once meant something to me. Giving up on my life and the potential for happiness.... even if only ever the fleeting kind.
My loneliness tears me up inside and makes it that much easier to hate myself and to continue pushing people away.
I can't see it any other way. I am convinced I dont deserve love or friendship. That I am unworthy of these things. It hurts. I hurt myself this way. I dont know how to change or to stop.
Isolation kills.

[jesusplay]

So what are you doing about it?

Welcome, lost&wandering
Do you have a T and/or a Pdoc? (T=therapist, Pdoc=psychiatrist, sometimes I forget there might be other abbreviations out there, but these are the ones you'll see here.) Though I've not done it all that intentionally (probably subconsciously though), I'm personally familiar with doing this. I know --at least for me-- that it is a bad harbinger. Like you say, it makes things easier. But not good things, and that's the problem.

You ARE worthy of love and friendship. Feeling and believing it can be the hard part. I struggle with that also, sometimes acutely so (including oh-so-very recently). Sounds like that's where you're at, yeah? The feeling that you don't know how to change or to stop is why I ask about the T. They really can help with that kind of thing. Are you familiar with CBT? Like you say in your thread title, you're stuck in your head. And in our heads (everybody's heads), we've got "tapes", so to speak. Thoughts that are so automatic we scarcely notice them --consciously anyway --, and the REALLY affect how we perceive things. One of the main things in CBT is learning how to recognize them, what they are saying, and questioning them up against objective reality.

The reason I ask about a Pdoc is that sometimes we need some meds to get us to a functioning enough place to be able to work with these ideas. (I did.) Hope this doesn't sound hokey or anything (I'm not into woowoo or hokey), but can tell you that I had at least one major "AHA!" moment that illuminated SO much that it was a real paradigm shift, and the effects were immediate (and so easy. FUN to implement even(!) )

You'll find there are so many people here who can really relate to what you are going through It's good to not feel so alone.

[lost&wandering]

Thank-you for the kind words and the understanding Innerzone.

I am currently on medication, but it isn't enough. I want so badly to go to therapy or some kind of support group... because I know they will help me tremendously. However I cannot afford a therapist. I can barely put in 20 hrs a week at work, which just pays the bills.

I have come here as a last option... hoping to find support and understanding and from people who have similar struggles. I dont know anyone who suffers from a mood disorder... depression is one thing, but the rapid mood swings really make it hard to make and keep relationships for me.

Anyways... I am a mess of a person and I dont even know where to begin on how to fix this. Fix me. I dont know how to make it all better. I really feel like i've lost myself somewhere and I'm completely alone. I dont know what the point of being here is if I have to do it all alone

[lost&wandering]

Thank-you for your kind words and understanding Innerzone.

I am currently medicated... taking Zoloft, Divalproex and Seroquel since April when I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. Before that I was on Effexor with a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. When I asked the Psychiatrist what the difference was and which one I was and why... he would not give me a clear answer. I feel like I fit the criteria for both, with many traits overlapping. The Effexor I believe put me into more of a manic state, with deep depression too. While now I feel more leveled out, but with more depression than any kind of highs. Each day is different though and I constantly feel like my world is upside down.. like I am a passenger on a train, along for the ride... with little to no control.

I want so badly to be in therapy and/or a support group... because I know it will help me. I cannot afford therapy though, I am barely able to work 20 hrs in a week which just pays the bills. There are no support groups in my area either, so I have come here as a last resort. Hoping to reach out to others with similar problems, those who struggle with Bipolar and BPD too. I currently do not know anyone with this disorder and I feel so utterly alone.

I have the hardest time with relationships... be it friends or lovers. This is where I feel the most pain and the reason for my deep loneliness. I often wonder what the point of this all is if I have to do it on my own

I have never had a problem with lonliness, I have a lot of online friends, so I am never alone really. Do you chat on facebook or chat rooms? What kind of hobbies do you have to meet new people? Do you go to a gym? Are there no friends at work? If you want friends you have to be a good friend too.

You really need to get into therapy, especially with a borderline personality diagnosis, that will not get better without therapy, meds will not help long term. Many people with BPD are misdiagnosed with Bi polar as pdocs are not fully aware of what is going on. Are you totally sure there are no support groups in your area? I thought there wasnt in my area, it took dregging through the local newspapers and newsletters to find a group within driving distance. There were none online. You may have to travel but in the long term it will be worth it. Are there no free therapy sessions available in your countries healthcare system? I am not familiar with Canada.

There are free online DBT and CBT courses. Some clinics offer more intense online programs. These can be very helpful, might be worth looking into.

I so understand the feeling of isolation. It does feel like dying a slow death.

About 7 weeks ago I was in the midst of a severe breakdown. I looked online and found a free support group. Started going to the group and it has been of great help to me. I strongly suggest you google to look for support groups that might be available in your location.

I hope brighter days are ahead for you.

[PrairieCat]

Yes, look online and in your newspaper for support groups. Call your local hospital to see if they have one. Contact NAMI, Nat'l Alliance for the Mentally Ill, as they always have local support groups. These are almost always free. Call United Way, too! Also maybe you can get a pdoc or T at a local mental health center that will charge only on a sliding scale and you don't always really have to pay them if you cannot. Isolation is not healthy even if we feel we hate people! Reach out more and you can find help. And stick with us here, too!

[AnxietyGirl916]

Originally Posted by lost&wandering

I feel like I'm dying a slow death.
Lacking the basic human connections needed to make each day worth waking up to.
My own fault.
Isolating myself from people. Cutting off friends... throwing them away.
I'm killing myself by stripping away everyone that once meant something to me. Giving up on my life and the potential for happiness.... even if only ever the fleeting kind.
My loneliness tears me up inside and makes it that much easier to hate myself and to continue pushing people away.
I can't see it any other way. I am convinced I dont deserve love or friendship. That I am unworthy of these things. It hurts. I hurt myself this way. I dont know how to change or to stop.
Isolation kills.

I tend to do the same thing. I deal a lot with social anxiety, so that plays a big role in my self-isolation. I get to the point where I want to do something, but when I get the courage to go, I think, "WHY did I do this to myself?". I am seeing a therapist for this. First session is Wednesday. I think therapy would be a good thing for you as well.

I'm glad you have a Pdoc (unto itself and also as opposed to psych stuff through a GP). I hear you on money. (The hours have gotten so bad where I am that my rent now exceeds my income(!) Yikes.) But there are usually some ways to work around that for therapy and the others mentioned some good ones.

There are quite a number of people here that have both the BP and BPD diagnoses, so whichever (or both) you have, you have company. The important thing of course is what works in helping you, regardless of specific dx.

I don't have BPD, though my BF does. I've got BP, ADD and either (both??) GAD and/or OCD. I'm looking for clarification for my psych on the last two. (She'd said one then written the other on a form --not insurance-- and I'm not sure if it's a changed dx or??? -- so yeah, sometimes things aren't cut-and-dried and they're trying to work out what's going on with us.) Like you, I don't know others of my "kind" out in the wild , so it's nice to come here where, regardless of how it shakes out, there are others who understand.

Lamictal works wonders for me in mood stabilization and helping with depression.

Try a local support group! Check meetup.com, NAMI and DBSA.

Take care x

[ChaoticSymphony]

After a traumatic event in my family I pushed everyone away. Wouldn't call or answer. When I would answer it was such an effort to pretend to care what they had to say. I felt guilt as well and the answer was simple to fix it yet I couldn't do it. So I understand what you're saying. Fortunately by the grace of god or my ability to pick great friends they were all very understanding and we picked up where I left off.

The positive outcome was learning to be with myself. I am much more content alone with my thoughts as a result of shutting friends out and as wrong as it was to do I really do feel more self assured with myself and am grateful. Now had I lost those relationships I may be singing a different tune. Hope this helped.

Hi, I sent you a friend request. I greatly understand the isolation. I promise you are not alone! Keep coming here, ok?

Also, check meet up.com, NAMI, DBSA websites for support groups in your area.

Are you spiritual at all? I'm not, but I know that church and faith helps many. It's not my cup of tea … but wanted to mention it should it be a source of comfort to you.

x

[lost&wandering]

Originally Posted by rainyday107

Hi, I sent you a friend request. I greatly understand the isolation. I promise you are not alone! Keep coming here, ok?

Also, check meet up.com, NAMI, DBSA websites for support groups in your area.

Are you spiritual at all? I'm not, but I know that church and faith helps many. It's not my cup of tea … but wanted to mention it should it be a source of comfort to you.

x

Thank-you so much!
I will look into the those sites for support groups in my area. Being here on PC and meeting ppl like you has helped me too

[MissyB0201]

I'm originally from Victoria, BC. I'm currently living in Alberta in a very isolated town. Courtney is pretty small. You may need to travel for support groups. I don't have any options here, the nearest city being over 3 hours away. I push people away too. I've been avoiding replying to a text that was sent to me 2 days ago. A friend that regularly asks me to hang out, even though I cancel or decline. I suppose it's because we're military. I don't really know why she bothers. Anyways, I understand what you are feeling. Since childhood I have kept one friend. I let everyone else go or don't bother to allow people in my life. I am lonely though. I just don't want the commitment of being a friend. Does that make sense?

[lost&wandering]

Originally Posted by MissyB0201

I'm originally from Victoria, BC. I'm currently living in Alberta in a very isolated town. Courtney is pretty small. You may need to travel for support groups. I don't have any options here, the nearest city being over 3 hours away. I push people away too. I've been avoiding replying to a text that was sent to me 2 days ago. A friend that regularly asks me to hang out, even though I cancel or decline. I suppose it's because we're military. I don't really know why she bothers. Anyways, I understand what you are feeling. Since childhood I have kept one friend. I let everyone else go or don't bother to allow people in my life. I am lonely though. I just don't want the commitment of being a friend. Does that make sense?

Hi Missy

Yes it makes perfect sense to me. The amount of work it is to put on a 'normal' or happy face is exhausting and not wanting to bring people down with my own problems and sadness makes me push friends away... despite being and feeling so alone. Its a vicious cycle and it takes so much out of me to make a friendship work like I should. I have a few friends I have kept over the years.. .but like you I have an email from her sitting in my inbox for days now and I really do not want to respond. I hate pretending that I am ok. I also hate admitting life is hard and that I am struggling. So my answer is to just ignore.

Thanks for your message... it helps me to feel like not as big of a screw up as I normally feel.

[Crazycatlady82]

I am in Alberta also
Makes me happy to see someone close by!

[hamster-bamster]

Look - you say that you push people away. To have the luxury of the option to push people away, you must have such people around you in the first place. Were they around you against their own will, I.e. held at gunpoint by you? Unlikely, since you sound way too meek and innocent to hold people at gunpoint habitually. So it follows that these friends were with you by their choice. If they chose to befriend you originally, they must have considered you worthy of their companionship. Can you respect their choice and not override with your "I am not worthy of friendship" line?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by lost&wandering

I have an email from her sitting in my inbox for days now and I really do not want to respond. I hate pretending that I am ok. I also hate admitting life is hard and that I am struggling. So my answer is to just ignore.

Ignoring is the worst option of the three because it is impolite.

I used to be in your shoes and have since rebuilt most of my connections, and my advice to you is to be honest, ie to reply explaining that you felt down and therefore could not respond right away. If the person wrote to you in the first place, he or she would be glad to hear from you. Also, if you talk about life being hard with a touch of self-deprecation, it would go down well.