[Tucson]

I am here and dealing with life's tribulations.

[Pikku Myy]

Still doing really well and feeling happy Believe moving out of the stressful environment is working wonders. Just cant believe it!!!!

[Skitz13]

Just one disappointment after another today. FML

[cashart10]

Told my husband I wanted to die and that I feel like the end is near. I wish I could say I don't want to die but that would be a lie. He asked me if I could imagine even one day of not waking up to my babies. I didn't know what to say except that I couldn't and he said there, that's what you have to live for. He's right! I wish that changed my complete apathy. I hate it. I hate me. Other than that, taking care of my kids, picking up my daughter from school and doing the dishes, I just listened to music and stared at the ceiling. My life is meaningless.

[cashart10]

Then my mom just told me I needed to get my *** off of the couch and do more housework and take care of the kids and stop feeling sorry for myself. I know she is right.

[loophole]

Another day of In patient.... feeling some progress is being made.... doing this is so different then what I've been use to in my life.. that alone has been an adjustment I'm still adjusting too.. doing emdr soon as well... always hoping and working toward progress.. I have support groups in different forms then a large group of people... I'm fortunate in many ways.. focusing on that is such a battle.. hopeful to be able to enjoy that and just enjoy the moment.. wow what a thought...

[Standup2me]

Originally Posted by Tucson

I am here and dealing with life's tribulations.

Yay - go you!!

[Skitz13]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Told my husband I wanted to die and that I feel like the end is near. I wish I could say I don't want to die but that would be a lie. He asked me if I could imagine even one day of not waking up to my babies. I didn't know what to say except that I couldn't and he said there, that's what you have to live for. He's right! I wish that changed my complete apathy. I hate it. I hate me. Other than that, taking care of my kids, picking up my daughter from school and doing the dishes, I just listened to music and stared at the ceiling. My life is meaningless.

Your husband was right. I have always said, and taken my own advice, if you were to take your own life, you are just transferring your pain to someone else.

My last attempt was 3 years ago. My kids didn't understand why I didn't feel like they were worth living for. Even as hard as it gets for me I swore I would never do it again and I won't. I'll be damned if I put my kids through that. Your life isn't meaningless, you're just lost right now and the depression has taken over. Fight back.

[Double Edge]

Been having a very rough past few days. After three days of starting Lamictal, my depression symptoms suddenly got much worse, with heavy suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. Been tracking my moods/patterns past three weeks and have slept 12-16 hours a day except for 3 days where I got either 2, 4, or 10 hours. Concerned my tdoc who suggested I call pdoc to increase Lamictal to 50mg sooner, to which pdoc agreed. Developed red one inch weal on arm, slightly raised, slightly itchy. Looked up Lamictal rash pictures and it looks the same, but it's just one spot, not spread everywhere, so waiting out til Friday til I see pdoc again to get his opinion.

All hell broke loose at school... found out a class I need to graduate with my music minor is full and they can't make room because of budget cuts, so now trying to finagle something with department heads. The class was a piano trio (I'm a pianist), and it was really the only thing I was truly looking forward to this semester as it was such an amazing stress release last semester. Very angry, disappointed and sad it's not going to happen again. Trying to finish an overdue paper and got nothing done today because of all the drama at school sapping what little energy I had.

Topped it off with a friend who's never been depressed and does not have BP suggesting that I eat more regularly to help my depression-induced hypersomnia, because "it seems so much like [her] jet lag, and that really helps [her] jet lag improve." Calmly (but barely) explained that hypersomnia has always been a function of my depression, that coming out of depression is the only way to fix it, and that I have no appetite and force myself to eat, but thanks for the suggestion, really appreciate the concern. Really disappointed in her, I know she means well, but she's a psych major like I am and should really know better than to think jet lag and major depression remotely function in the same way, much less the depressive episodes of bipolar. If eating regularly could "cure" depression, pretty freaking sure that would have been figured out by now.

Sorry this is so long... I haven't been on here in a few days because I've been so down I haven't had the energy, but I really needed to vent. Spouse is minimally supportive today, getting upset about inane things after I explained how horrible my day was. Really pissed me off even more.

Feeling alone and hating the suicidal thoughts, and also having thoughts of self-harming which I haven't had in a long time and haven't done in over ten years. I just want to cry but I can't, feel so hollow and numb, like a total disappointment... to whom, I don't know... but I feel like graduating with my BA at 29 is an embarassment, even though I had to fight through major depressions, a major car accident, PTSD, loss of various family and friend support, and bipolar to get here. I should be proud of myself but I feel like I'm a failure. I know it's my depression lying to me, but it's getting the best of me today. Just hoping I can find a way to scrape the joy out of tomorrow.

I just wish I could cry and let it all come out, but it just won't, like a rusty nut that won't loosen no matter how hard you pull on the wrench. Just trying to breathe. I really hope tomorrow is better because I don't know how much more I can take getting piled on right now. So thankful for this forum though... I have nowhere else to turn, no one else who truly understands but all you amazing people who somehow make it through each day with all your struggles too. It really gives me hope that I can make it too. Thank you all so much.

Originally Posted by cashart10

Told my husband I wanted to die and that I feel like the end is near. I wish I could say I don't want to die but that would be a lie. He asked me if I could imagine even one day of not waking up to my babies. I didn't know what to say except that I couldn't and he said there, that's what you have to live for. He's right! I wish that changed my complete apathy. I hate it. I hate me. Other than that, taking care of my kids, picking up my daughter from school and doing the dishes, I just listened to music and stared at the ceiling. My life is meaningless.

Dear Cashart, I used to feel that way, until I started meds and therapy 18 years ago now. Are you seeing a psychiatrist who knows how to tweak meds? I hope it isn't a matter of finances that you are not in good hands, medically speaking.

[Standup2me]

Feeling tired, but I slept 9 hours last night

Other than that, I seem to be extra hungry today

Feeling really down today. Frustrated because my man companion won't get his teeth cleaned and still wants to kiss me. I have talked to him about this dozens of times. He doesn't "get it," and I want to break up with him because of this.

[Hopeful Camel]

Still sick with summer cold. Low energy. Just feeling whiny. We move in three days. All this unsettledness is hard to take. I need structure!!!!!! "this too shall pass" I tell myself, but I still feel a bit morose. But I'm shouldn't complain. Hang in there everyone. The stars are unsettled this week.

[Downsideup75]

Other than boredom and some anxiety so far it has been a good day I have made some accomplishments I made contact with a local bipolar support group which I am going to attend tonight and a big one for me I took the dog for a walk 2 days in a row I love my dog but most days getting out the door to take him is a big challenge

Checking in and I feel really tired and lazy today. I'm pretty close to crying today but I keep holding back my tears cause I have nobody to go to right now. There's no support group that I can go too and there's no therapist that I can talk to either. Feel like going right back to bed again.

[Love&Toil]

Hello sweet people. On vacay but the weather is disappointing. Still managing to have a fairly nice day. Thinking of you Cashart. Please hang on and don't let go. Your life means something.

[Tucson]

I have been in a significant episode of depression that has lasted several days now. I am allowing myself to be thrown around by small concerns, at least small for me right now. I need to work on what I can control now, the present moment.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Skitz13

Your husband was right. I have always said, and taken my own advice, if you were to take your own life, you are just transferring your pain to someone else.

My last attempt was 3 years ago. My kids didn't understand why I didn't feel like they were worth living for. Even as hard as it gets for me I swore I would never do it again and I won't. I'll be damned if I put my kids through that. Your life isn't meaningless, you're just lost right now and the depression has taken over. Fight back.

Thanks again Skitz. Your strong perspective is truthful and helpful. I need this type of advice and example.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by flowerbells

Dear Cashart, I used to feel that way, until I started meds and therapy 18 years ago now. Are you seeing a psychiatrist who knows how to tweak meds? I hope it isn't a matter of finances that you are not in good hands, medically speaking.

Thanks so much flower bells. I have a wonderful pdoc and tdoc but right now, due to an unfortunate mistake in med changes (or just coincidence or both per my pdoc). I have been horribly symptomatic. Most of the time I am thoroughly convinced that I will never get better.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Love&Toil

Hello sweet people. On vacay but the weather is disappointing. Still managing to have a fairly nice day. Thinking of you Cashart. Please hang on and don't let go. Your life means something.

Thank you love & toil. how thoughtful and kind!

[lacerta]

Had to go to parents meeting at kindergarden. That was quite triggering. Creative ideas in Pedagogy is definetly my triger. Had hard times getting asleep, so took ativan. Have to keep myself off the pinterest and other sites to look for ideas how to teach kids, though it's what I want the most at the moment. But I know where it can lead.

The last day and a half has been…. not great. Long story short, last night, I went sui. Didn't go to the hospital or anything, as I was too out of it (mentally, not substance) to be an immediate danger to myself. Only managed to sleep a few minutes. Actually dragged my sorry *** to work this morning, which was incredibly hard, not just for not giving a ****, but being so squirreled out trying, for instance, to put clothes on. I'd already had to leave early on Tues. for being on the edge of a breakdown (before the **** was even aloft), then given the next day off (not realizing I was the only one) and to show up today. Then informed that (at work) "it was hell yesterday". You're telling me.

Try as I might to hide it (though this morning, that was utterly futile as I scraped in there looking like God-knows-what piece of disheveled crap), they know something is seriously wrong.

Trying to normalize. Doing pretty ok right now, but been enough times to the rodeo to know that it's precarious and far from over. Dodging of that one horrific impulse this morning is not going to be all it takes.

[tigersassy]

Called into work today. My mood is still up, but last night was rough sad wise. My wife had a breakdown thinking about her past (she was not a very nice person). She has changed since those days, but she doesn't see it sometimes. She was planning on leaving while I was asleep and wasn't going to come back. So I got really sad and was crying talking to her. But it wasn't like depression cry. I was able to keep my "stable" thoughts as far as depression goes, but I was talking fast with racing thoughts and was going to stay up with her all night, but she promised me she wouldn't leave or do anything stupid. I think the depression meds are working, but I'm not sure about the manic meds. I want too get up and go do stuff, but I don't want to leave my wife alone right now. It's hard to see her like this. She's been my anchor since we've been together. I wouldn't have been able to focus at work if I'd have went in. I'm all over the place today already and its only 6am. It could be a long day. My sinuses are driving me batty. I think it's the damp air and grass pollen. Well going to go.

[lacerta]

Took a look at my bank account balance. 50 euros for 10 days until the pay day. And my boy constantly asking for a new toy. And I made a promise to myself not to spend more than I earn, for last few month I have been growing a negative value on my credit card account, which I have promised to myself to cover until December. I fear that I'm reckless on my spendings

Originally Posted by BlueWeepingRose

Checking in and I feel really tired and lazy today. I'm pretty close to crying today but I keep holding back my tears cause I have nobody to go to right now. There's no support group that I can go too and there's no therapist that I can talk to either. Feel like going right back to bed again.

That is really terrible that there's no support group or therapist you can go to. I don't have a bipolar support group either. The drop in centers have closed down. But I do have a therapist and a psychiatrist. Do you have a psychiatrist (pdoc) who you can get in to see on an urgent need basis today?