[cashart10]

I am still feeling badly (mentally, better physically). I KEEP having visions of my sui. I am overwhelmed with everything from small to big but even the tiniest molehill feels like a mountain. I have been so panicked tonight that I have needed (but have not taken) another klonapin. I am afraid to tell anyone how I am feeling. I think telling someone will either make it real and set in or, the opposite, make it feel blown out of proportion and empty. I'm already drowning. ACK!

I feel like I am both too old and too young. I am now constantly worried about what people think about me to an absurd degree. I drank a little last night and there are pictures. Will people think I am not a Christian (I am a Christian)? I have gained so much weight. I can't stand how I look. I feel like people look at me and seethe, "just look at the giant sloth." I have been fit (or at least average sized) most of my life. I can't stand it. I can't keep up with modest housework and my children are not cared for to my standards. My son has his speech therapy tomorrow and I am worried about it. I don't think I have enough clean laundry for all of my children to wear. Pitiful. I am too much of an internal mess to do something about it. School starts for my kiddos again on Monday and I don't know what I am going to do I can't manage it all. I am falling apart. I just want to cry but I can't.

[ozzy1313]

((Hugs))

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Love&Toil]

Cashart I am a mom too and many days (most days) feel overwhelmed by all there is to do. Laundry piles up in our house too and we are living out of baskets of washed-but-not-folded laundry. Sometimes I'm not sure if there are enough undies or socks or whatever. I check and hope that there is enough for the week. You are not alone with those struggles.

I am sorry to hear you are feeling so badly. I wish you would reach out for help and find some solace and support. From what you've said in the past I'll bet your husband would listen to your concerns.

Hang in there. People need you.

[Imah]

I could copy and paste what you said Cashart - because I feel exactly the same way some days. Know what, not today - today I got a lot done, I am feeling energetic and optimistic. Guess what, this time next week - you will too! When you chose this statement" I do it for the joy it brings because I am a joyful girl" you did so because you often identify yourself that way. Chin up woman, remember this feeling will ebb and another shining one awaits just beyond the horizon.

<3 Best of luck to us all!

[cashart10]

Thank you, all!

I'm listening to Gold Dust Woman on repeat, falling apart. Want to hear me whine some more? I know you don't, so I won't. Just let that be my whining...and hopefully I can leave it alone for the day. Thanks again for your support.

[Imah]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Thank you, all!

I'm listening to Gold Dust Woman on repeat, falling apart. Want to hear me whine some more? I know you don't, so I won't. Just let that be my whining...and hopefully I can leave it alone for the day. Thanks again for your support.

I actually would like to hear you whine because I am feeling pretty aggressive (in a good way) today and could use something to keep me occupied. So if you read this, go ahead, talk. I will add the edit of when I am done on psych central ,or reply to you if I have to go etc.

[cashart10]

I feel like I can't live; I feel like my life cannot go on. It is too big for me. My heart is pounding and all I can see is myself hanging (and I am so sorry that is so graphic but that is just what I see, feel even, so frequently over the past week). I can't shake it. I don't want to die but I am so ready to sneak off at night, lock myself in a bedroom so that only my husband will find me, and end it. My mind is brutal.

[cashart10]

I can get nothing accomplished. I can hardly get away from my couch, or if I'm feeling extra anxious my computer, to feed my kids, let alone engage them. They have a mom from hell. I feel so bad, so hated, so miserable. I don't know how to pound my way back to normal.

[Imah]

Originally Posted by cashart10

I feel like I can't live; I feel like my life cannot go on. It is too big for me. My heart is pounding and all I can see is myself hanging (and I am so sorry that is so graphic but that is just what I see, feel even, so frequently over the past week). I can't shake it. I don't want to die but I am so ready to sneak off at night, lock myself in a bedroom so that only my husband will find me, and end it. My mind is brutal.

I don't mind the graphic imagery. I understand it. I think you are great to be living the minute to minute as you wait for it to pass.

[Imah]

Originally Posted by cashart10

I can get nothing accomplished. I can hardly get away from my couch, or if I'm feeling extra anxious my computer, to feed my kids, let alone engage them. They have a mom from hell. I feel so bad, so hated, so miserable. I don't know how to pound my way back to normal.

I do that to, just sit and wait and wait and wait, yelling at myself internally as I do nothing that I know I am supposed to. Its very strange isn't it? How we can do that?

I am going to attempt to describe something to you, I want you to see if this makes sense:

For me, I think the will to live comes from someplace inside me - the base of my brain maybe. This drive to compete to survive seems very strong in some people. Why not in me? During depression, it seems non-existent. What if that is why we feel depressed? Its not that we are sad, we just have so little will to live (natural will) that if our hearts didn't keep beating and our breath wasn't involuntary we would just stop? Does this feeling of 'depression' come from the lack of animal instinct of fight? Do we on some animal level understand that acceptance of death and then create the imagery?

Anyway, since I adopted that theory, it helps me to survive depressive times by knowing it is not that I want to be dead, it is that the chemical in me that fights for survival is low.

---------------

Like, I am not even competitive let alone do I strive to dominate. I am the opposite, and I never can understand the 'normals' who might even be bad people, harmful to others, yet they fight to survive, when I am this nice sweet girl who can barely make herself keep breathing?

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Imah

I do that to, just sit and wait and wait and wait, yelling at myself internally as I do nothing that I know I am supposed to. Its very strange isn't it? How we can do that.

I am going to attempt to describe something to you, I want you to see if this makes sense:

So strange! And, if I could get over myself enough to just do it, I sure I would feel a little better instead of loathing myself.

[Imah]

Originally Posted by cashart10

So strange! And, if I could get over myself enough to just do it, I sure I would feel a little better instead of loathing myself.

LOOKING AT DEPRESSION IN THIS WAY HAS HELPED ME TO UNDERSTAND IT MORE. I don't let myself dwell on suicidal thoughts as much, I focus on hearing my breathing, or just on my brain or my bodies lack of emotional will. I wonder if this is how a sick cat feels when they just go die instead of fighting for life?

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Imah

I do that to, just sit and wait and wait and wait, yelling at myself internally as I do nothing that I know I am supposed to. Its very strange isn't it? How we can do that.

I am going to attempt to describe something to you, I want you to see if this makes sense:

For me, I think the will to live comes from someplace inside me - the base of my brain maybe. This drive to compete to survive seems very strong in people. But during depression, it seems non-existent. What if that is why we feel depressed. Its not that we are sad, we just have so little will to live (natural will) that if our hearts didn't keep beating and our breath wasn't involuntary we would just stop? Does this feeling of 'depression' come from the lack of animal instinct of fight?

Anyway, since I adopted that theory, it helps me to survive depressive times by knowing it is not that I want to be dead, it is that the chemical in me that says I should fight to live is just low in me for a distorted reason.

---------------

Like, I am not even competitive let alone do I strive to dominate. I am the opposite, and I never can understand the 'normals' who say - are serial killers, yet they fight to survive, when I am this nice sweet girl who can barely make herself keep breathing?

Yes, that does make sense. But, it makes me feel small, defeated. But, maybe that is just my unfortunately disillusioned brain.

[Imah]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Yes, that does make sense. But, it makes me feel small, defeated. But, maybe that is just my unfortunately disillusioned brain.

omg, lol - you know we are all disillusioned. IDK how many times in my life I have thought, IDK what is real or what isn't? Especially with the psychic crap my mania makes me think. but atm nothing can really engage you right? is everything, even this conversation hard to connect to?

[cashart10]

"I don't let myself dwell on suicidal thoughts as much, I focus on hearing my breathing, or just on my brain or my bodies lack of emotional will. I wonder if this is how a sick cat feels when they just go die instead of fighting for life?"

This definitely makes sense, helps me to understand better your perspective. This is a very hard thing to do when you are chocking. I am horrible at escaping my mind. I am going to try to soak in what you are saying. I had therapies but learned few techniques from them (and I cannot currently afford a therapist as only my husband works) and what I have learned I struggle to put into practice, it seems fear overrules reason most of the time.

[Imah]

Originally Posted by cashart10

"I don't let myself dwell on suicidal thoughts as much, I focus on hearing my breathing, or just on my brain or my bodies lack of emotional will. I wonder if this is how a sick cat feels when they just go die instead of fighting for life?"

This definitely makes sense, helps me to understand better your perspective. This is a very hard thing to do when you are chocking. I am horrible at escaping my mind. I am going to try to soak in what you are saying. I had therapies but learned few techniques from them (and I cannot currently afford a therapist as only my husband works) and what I have learned I struggle to put into practice, it seems fear overrules reason most of the time.

Yes, fear does over rule. I honestly think its all tied into a low will to live. By switching my focus from suicide to imagining an animal (the human animal me) in having a low will to live, it helps me calm down a part of my mind that is scared of this craziness, focus on the heart rate, the breathing,just the simple act of existing against my will til I have a moment where I might get 1 little zing of energy, then I go do some little thing, then lay back down again and restart the process as needed. I don't get this bad every time, but when I am having a hard time being alive, I attribute it not to wanting to be dead, but to my bodies inability to fight for life.

[cashart10]

I am responding faster than I am reading apparently--ha! And yes, I am having trouble connecting. I am can't overcome this negative EMOTION!!! These negative THOUGHTS! They are causing me to selectively hear your words. There is so much garbage just sitting in my chest.

[Imah]

Please, if you can think of better words for me to describe what I mean, please share them and don't fear correcting me. I had wanted to be dead for over 20 years, waiting for my youngest kid to turn 18 so I could - only to get the good meds, therapy, and husband to make me want to live. For the first time in my life - I want to live. But I still get depressed, this is why I learned to re-evaluate what depression is and look at it from this stand point. Its not that I want to die, its that my body was made with a low live level.

[Imah]

Originally Posted by cashart10

I am responding faster than I am reading apparently--ha! And yes, I am having trouble connecting. I am can't overcome this negative EMOTION!!! These negative THOUGHTS! They are causing me to selectively hear your words. There is so much garbage just sitting in my chest.

The trouble connecting can be good: use it like this: Ok, this random person Imah is making me engage too much and that is making me more tired and a bit annoyed, so I am going to go do X for my kids, family, self to get away from her. Sigh then get up.

---- That can be you! Use whatever you need to for finding energy. That is all you are experiencing at this time, low low low low energy, and anger (one of the strongest emotions) is excellent for creating adrenalin which will help you. So annoyance at this random stranger (me) will actually help. Won't it? I love theorizing.

[cashart10]

Lol...you made me smile, for sure.

I am not annoyed at you, I appreciate your time and your wisdom. And, I have a willingness to listen to you because as is apparent from your posts, you have a lifetime of both experience from and extravagance in this illness.

I have to run now. My children are vying for my attention and I am actually now afraid of how much time has gotten away from me. What have my children done to my house? What will my husband say about its state? Deep breaths, right? Thank you, again. I really appreciate your help. I am listening. I just need to process.

[cashart10]

And plus, I will just shut up and get busy.

[Imah]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Lol...you made me smile, for sure.

I am not annoyed at you, I appreciate your time and your wisdom. And, I have a willingness to listen to you because as is apparent from your posts, you have a lifetime of both experience from and extravagance in this illness.

I have to run now. My children are vying for my attention and I am actually now afraid of how much time has gotten away from me. What have my children done to my house? What will my husband say about its state? Deep breaths, right? Thank you, again. I really appreciate your help. I am listening. I just need to process.

YAYAYA! That is great that you are now gone from the computer, and off being with your family. I know you are happy that you are doing that. The sun is coming over the horizon! I knew I wasn't annoying you, you are a nice person, your posts make that clear. I just was using that as an example of how we must take any emotion that gives us energy to use it to push ourselves up. You are possibly ending your depression and beginning your joy time again. I hope.

I also hope that you or anyone else who reads this gains something from my alternate way of looking at depression. We are not sad, we are suffering from lack of will to live chemically due to an imbalance. If we look at it a new way, maybe that will help us not to become so extreme.

Like I said, its a theory.

Mania Imah loves everyone, and best of luck to us all!

[cashart10]

What are the chances that this is demon possession and not bipolar? What are the chances that, even if one sits here and laughs at this presumption, the enemy sits and laughs at my turmoil, at all of my medications, and just thinks "I am winning; I am winning"? What if my past dreams, that I once believed were prophetic, were really schemed nightmares? How is it that my once intimate relationship with the Lord has been tattered by this "illness"? In almost no ways does my life equate to that of a believer's life. I need to be rescued but I don't understand how to receive help. Maybe I really do need to have demons cast from me. Maybe evil is taking over me. What if I turn into something horrible? What if I do something horrible? I think the enemy can consume me; I think that he is taking over my mind and is making me weak and unbearable. I cannot resolve to fight him. I just don't know how and I don't have the will or the energy.

[Imah]

It is impossible for you to harm. You feel guilty if you don't clean enough. You might want to check and make sure your meds aren't causing you to get the psychic delusions during the depression. And as far as the religion and demons go. There are no demons lurking in the woods. Nature awaits - talk a walk and smell some fresh air. No scary demons. Maybe some Lions, and Tigers and Bears - oh my.

[Imah]

Ok, been looking up your side effects, and your Klonopin could absolutely cause hallucinations, unusual risk taking behavior etc. Your Lamictal and Klonopin both could worsen depression - your lithium could be why you feel heavy breathing. You should consider trying some lower doses, or different dosages. Talk to your pdoc as soon as you can, or whoever is prescribing these. Seriously, I had to change my meds repeatedly to find just the right stuff for me. When its right you will know it, and your dosages are such that they should be working, or not. At least, if you look up the possible side effects of each you might feel more empowered by what you are experiencing.