[Wander]

For the last three weeks especially I have been rapid cycling between mixed and hypomanic states. Self-medicating way too much and struggling to get a handle on it. My anti-depressant is being reduced as it may be the cause of this craziness. Feel like I barely have control on my illness at the moment and am terrified as to what is coming next. Today I was as high as a kite, loving life and feeling so productive. I went to sleep feeling well and have woken in the middle of the night wired and unstable. I have been drinking too much as well as smoking pot. It seems the more unstable I get the greater the desire to get 'off my face' I have. I want to stop so I can have a chance at being stable but I am really having trouble doing this while in a mixed state or hypo. It also means I miss my nightly dose of Lithium as it does not wash down well with alcohol (i actually throw it up if I take it)

My therapist is fully aware of this and we have come up with a short-term plan for me to reduce my drinking and smoking and get back onto my usual med schedule. I came home from that session today and got drunk. It was like I was already rebelling against the plan. My T asked me if I was in control and I said yes (of coarse I am, I'm hypomanic!)...he didn't seem convinced. In fact things are spiraling out of control. I feel like I am fighting myself here. On one hand I want to be well and look after myself on the other hand I don't give a ##ck and the wildness inside me takes over. It is so hard to not self-medicate when in an episode. How do I get control of this while still swinging dramatically and falling into intense, wild mixed states?? Part of me didn't want to write this post as I wan to continue to self-destruct but the real me wants to find stability, if that is at all possible. I am not suicidal and my life is going well outside my BP issues so it is purely due to the mixed states that I get self-destructive. I don't know what any of you can say. I just wanted to get this out there.

[Pikku Myy]

You sound a lot like me.... Hope life balances out soon for you. Hugs

[Confusedinomicon]

You can keep this topic updated and make a safety plan with the forum. We've had a few people do this before. (Well, I haven't been active in a while..)

The idea is that when you're feeling destructive, you post on the forums. Give the forum an update 2-3 times a day (or more, as much as you need too) and leave a voice-mail or email your T and tell them the truth. If that is TOO much, and you live near T, print out the post and give it to them. Honesty is key in getting any kind of treatment.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

You can keep this topic updated and make a safety plan with the forum. We've had a few people do this before. (Well, I haven't been active in a while..)

The idea is that when you're feeling destructive, you post on the forums. Give the forum an update 2-3 times a day (or more, as much as you need too) and leave a voice-mail or email your T and tell them the truth. If that is TOO much, and you live near T, print out the post and give it to them. Honesty is key in getting any kind of treatment.

Thanks. That is a really good idea. My T is great and I am very honest with him. I would only call/text him between sessions if I was in danger.

Last night I couldn't get to sleep till 3am sleep despite meds I took. I feel ok so far today, a little irritable but things tend to go south in the afternoons. Started reducing my AD today so will see how that goes. My thoughts are racing and a little dark. I hope it doesn't get worse throughout the day. So fed up with this illness.

[pepper2009]

You sound like I was at one time. I would be in a mixed state and drink then skip my meds because taking them after drinking caused problems. This meant that the meds never worked correctly because I couldn't take them as prescribed. Rapid cycling in a mixed state SUCKS. I hope you try to follow the plan and reach out to your T if you are unable to follow through.

My thought are with you!

[Wander]

Today I have been really proactive with my health by taking meds as prescribed, going swimming for some exercise and organising things around my flat, but as the afternoon progresses, and despite the PRN I have taken, I feel desperate for a drink or a smoke. I want to rage at the world and have fun whatever the cost. I am wild inside. It is such a difficult spot to be in when trying to kick bad habits. I don't have much confidence I will be able to stop drinking right now, my mood is just too damn crazy. I would do anything to make it stop, so I get trashed every night for a break. This is a dangerous cycle I know but I am starting not to care.

I was that way till I got hospitalized too recently. My stabilizer dosage was increased, and when it started actually working, I lost my desire to drink alcohol.

AntiDs needs to be taken with a stabilizer or it will drive you manic. Are you taking one?

[JumpingJacks]

Hi Wander

I read your post and I felt like I was reading about myself for the past ten years. I have exactly the same symptoms you're describing when I'm manic. It seems like no matter how hard I try to stop drinking something is stirring inside and screaming in my mind and the world is rushing around me and I have to get out of it somehow and the only way out is to drink and to do something crazy because nothing is working no matter how hard I would try.

I was there for a long time. I had to be in a really bad place, liver damage and multiple hospitalizations before I got better. I don't know what to tell you except I understand how bad it is right now and it's not your fault but you HAVE to stop drinking. It's the only way the lithium can work. Lithium is what finally saved me but not until I stopped drinking and I don't know how to tell you anything other than that.

My heart goes out to you. I feel the pain you're in and it's excruciating. I hope you find a way. Keep asking the doctor for help and keep telling him/her the truth of what's going on. It's not your fault, it's the bipolar disorder. Things can get so much better. You can be at peace. It's really possible.

[touched by fire]

Sounds like you're first problem has a 'plan' (help, diagnosis and med's)

You need to battle the self medicating as a separate issue. What you are doing is just throwing gas on a fire. You seem to have completed the first step, admitting it's a problem. Seek help for that in the appropriate place, there has to be support groups for substance abuse where you live. It's time to stop using drugs and alcohol to dull the pain. I understand exactly where you are at. I had been sitting in the same chair you're in for 18+ years myself. I'm 2.5 years sober now, if someone told me I would be just a few years ago... I would have laughed hysterically. You can do it, you've already taken the first step...

[touched by fire]

Oh the other thing I learned as an alcoholic is I needed to replace the drinking with some other habit... so I started mountain biking and I'm ALL IN on that one. As an addict our behavior is pretty much ALL IN or ALL OUT... there is no inbetween.

[Sunshiney87]

I was like that in the summer. I felt completely high on top of the world. Drank and smoked a lot! Then I spiraled into a deep depression where I wanted to end my life.. was hospitalized for a week. I think smoking and drinking worsens my mood in the long run though. Hope you feel better.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by AlwaysChanging2

I was that way till I got hospitalized too recently. My stabilizer dosage was increased, and when it started actually working, I lost my desire to drink alcohol.

AntiDs needs to be taken with a stabilizer or it will drive you manic. Are you taking one?

Thanks. I am on both Lithium and Lamotrigine but I haven't been taking the Lithium properly every day. My AD, Pristiq, is being reduced as it is the most likely culprit in inducing mania/mixed episodes.

[Wander]

Thank you so much for your replies everyone. It means a lot to me. The more I want to quit drinking it seems the stronger my will to drink is. As I read your replies I am strangely shocked that I actually have a problem. I am always making excuses for it. At the moment I am getting away with it but I do know that the consequences are waiting for me somewhere down the path. I am seeing my T next wednesday and will talk strategies with him to get me through till I see my pdoc in two weeks time. It is summer here so it is doubly hard to give up drinking in this beautiful weather and with all the social occasions.

My mood is all over the place. I get crazy happy and energetic then very irritable, dark and intense. There is no stability, no solid ground beneath me so I am finding it very difficult to stop drinking as it helps me calm down (at least at the time). I have PRN meds and I am now taking them during the day so at least I am not drinking during the day like I was but I can't seem to get myself to take them in the evenings instead of drinking. I am beginning to get really scared about the crash down from this. Apart from my drinking I am trying to stabilize myself in other ways like getting good sleep(with meds or I won't sleep), getting daily exercise by swimming and using mindfulness meditation.
I am really scared right now. My moods are frightening when mixed.

[Wander]

Damn! Discontinuing (slowly as advised) Pristiq is making me even more wild an anxious.I am jumping out of my skin and could burn holes in the wall with my stare. Without really thinking about it I started drinking at midday, self medicating I guess. So frustrating as I am coming off the Pristiq to try and stop this mixed state and rapid cycling but the side effects coming off it only make me more unwell. Hopefully they will pass soon.

Originally Posted by Wander

Damn! Discontinuing (slowly as advised) Pristiq is making me even more wild an anxious.I am jumping out of my skin and could burn holes in the wall with my stare. Without really thinking about it I started drinking at midday, self medicating I guess. So frustrating as I am coming off the Pristiq to try and stop this mixed state and rapid cycling but the side effects coming off it only make me more unwell. Hopefully they will pass soon.

When I was in your shoes, I increased my stabilizers and reduced my AD, taking a small AD boost if things got hairy so that it wasn't too crazy.

[Wander]

Well I managed to drink and smoke less last night. Today I am feeling very agitated and anxious and it is only 10.50am. Tonight I am going to a concert with my boyfriend for his birthday. I put my hand up to be the designated driver so I wouldn't drink so that should keep me on track.
Down to 50mg of Pristiq (from 100mg) and feeling mild side effects but they are better today than yesterday, at least so far. I am really trying to look after myself. It is so hard when the hypomanic wants to party and the mixed state wants to self-destruct.

[Tango62]

Thanks everyone for honesty and now my turn. I went for help many times for strange binge drinking episodes out side my normal behaviour range about 18 months ago. I asked for a bipolar assessment. This was badly done and a misdiagnosis made. Moving on again around alcohol I got diagnosed last Easter with BP 1. I didn't drink a thing for 4months then until around November could manage just once or twice a week a very small amount. Since then have been having short periods of binge drinking, sometimes up to 2 bottles of wine a day. This last one has run for 7 days and has to stop. I know plenty of people who can do this long term but being bipolar, it is like playing Russian Roulette with only one chamber empty. Thus I dry out from today and will post my progress. I love not drinking so get baffled when I go to this zone. I am in a fairly light mixed episode and now at the stage it won't stop until I stop. Thanks for listening.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Tango62

Thanks everyone for honesty and now my turn. I went for help many times for strange binge drinking episodes out side my normal behaviour range about 18 months ago. I asked for a bipolar assessment. This was badly done and a misdiagnosis made. Moving on again around alcohol I got diagnosed last Easter with BP 1. I didn't drink a thing for 4months then until around November could manage just once or twice a week a very small amount. Since then have been having short periods of binge drinking, sometimes up to 2 bottles of wine a day. This last one has run for 7 days and has to stop. I know plenty of people who can do this long term but being bipolar, it is like playing Russian Roulette with only one chamber empty. Thus I dry out from today and will post my progress. I love not drinking so get baffled when I go to this zone. I am in a fairly light mixed episode and now at the stage it won't stop until I stop. Thanks for listening.

Sorry to hear you are struggling with alcohol. I feel your pain. I really hope you are able to keep to your dry out (says someone yet unable to do the same). Keep posting if it helps. We can all support each other.

Today has not been a good day for reducing alcohol. I started drinking at midday. I felt very mixed so I self-medicated. Still, I think I am stumbling upwards. Later today I felt euphoric as well as irritable but it was much easier to handle.

I also seem more strongly on the manic spectrum and not so depressed. I have had manic phases seemingly triggered by coming off Pristiq before so maybe it is happening again? I hope not as the following depression was awful. Has anyone else had this happen?

[ozzy1313]

I have had my share of self medicating. Once I finally saw a pdoc and got a dx and meds the self medicating stopped. I understand this is not true for everyone, this may be one of the few areas I lucked out on. Unfortunately since I won't let myself go down the percocet train again I have turned to very very old coping mechanisms like purging and cutting.

I was in AA for about 6 months and learned more there than on any therapist couch.

That agitated feeling you are having is awful, I know. I hope somehow you are able to quickly pop out of this cycle you are in. And yes, it sucks when you both want to party and destroy at the same time. For me that often includes men who are not my husband.

[avlady]

i hope you can learn to cope, that is what you need the most, you've addressed the problem so get the help you need, it sounds like you are on the road to recovery that you can admit the problem. then go from there. there will be cravings and setbacks but forgive yourself, and others that you think helped cause your problem and don't blame anyone for it. get the help you need if you havn't already. good luck

[berlingots]

Dear Wander,

I feel your pain. It's difficult because it is difficult. But realize that this is difficult and it is. By rejecting that you can quit smoking or drinking alcohol in one day or even a couple days isn't enough. You need to commit to it and be serious about it, or else you'll continue this pattern where you'll feel you have an idea and plan, and it becomes all mush. The cycle continues when you begin to self-medicate.

First step is acceptance, radical acceptance, know that you are powerless over this, and fighting over it is just going to cause more pain to yourself and even to others if you're not careful. Once you begin to see it in its true form, it's a problem and come to realization that you need help, then progress can begin. Yes, your seeing a therapist and are working on it. But if you continue to relapse like this, it might be too late and all your chances to get sober is over. But know there's always hope even in the worst of times, which I personally think is where true learning begins.

There's something in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) called "Turning the Mind." When you feel like drinking, smoking, or the impulse to do it, you can essentially "turn the mind" towards acceptance, and know that you're stuck and you feel crappy, but it's okay. This is called Mindfulness, being aware of your feelings and urges without reacting to them. In essence, you'll see it point-blank without being a slave to your impulses.

I wish you the best of luck. I'm sorry it's been very hard for you.

-berlingots

[Wander]

Thanks again everyone for you posts. I really feel supported and that helps immensely. It is only through posting this and reading your posts that I am beginning to see I have a serious problem. This is a good start. Last night I deliberately had no alcohol in my house but caved and drove to get some. I am going to need better strategies than that. Using mindfulness when having cravings is a good idea.

Right now I feel quite 'normal', not hypomanic or mixed so it is easy to believe I will be able to stop but I know as the day passes and I get into a mixed state (as has been the pattern the last month) it will become a whole lot harder. My therapist says I need the mixed states treated to help me stop drinking. I am seeing my pdoc in 10 days so I will go though what has been going on with him and see what he suggests. My therapist is also helping me in the interim. I see him weekly. It is quite scary, the thought of not drinking, I can feel a deep resistance to stopping. I am going to have to apply all of the coping strategies I have learnt and learn new ones too.

Thanks again everyone for your support.

You're not alone, I am self medicating too. With whatever I can get my hands on.

I missed my pdoc appointment today as I was so depressed after drinking over a carton (24 drinks) in less than 7 hours. And on top of that I missed my clonazepam dose so I've been messed up the last couple days.

I cant get any weed so Im thinking I'll try anything I can get my hands on. I know a couple of mates with connections, I know how dangerous it is, I just dont care.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by Supanova

You're not alone, I am self medicating too. With whatever I can get my hands on.

I missed my pdoc appointment today as I was so depressed after drinking over a carton (24 drinks) in less than 7 hours. And on top of that I missed my clonazepam dose so I've been messed up the last couple days.

I cant get any weed so Im thinking I'll try anything I can get my hands on. I know a couple of mates with connections, I know how dangerous it is, I just dont care.

Over today I have become hypomanic and now am in a mixed state. I am wild inside and have had 4 drinks already, plus countless cones. I am incredibly agitated and cannot sit still but the euphoria has passed. My thoughts race. Again I am self-medicating...damn. I understand, as much as I can, how you feel. It is so difficult managing bipolar and substance abuse. I hope you can stay safe and don't become more unwell.

My plan now is to go into a holding pattern until I see my pdoc in 10 days. Once I see him I will set a plan to find stability without needing to self-medicate. My therapist is awsome and very knowlegable so he is helping me from falling further over the edge but while I am in such a crazy mood it is almost impossible to stop.

[7moons7seas]

I've spent more time since my diagnosis self medicating than actively seeking/participating in treatment. That's the majority of the last six years either high, drunk, seeking to get high or drunk, or in a deep, guilty depression for my actions while self medicating! It's a terrible reality of what the disorder we and all share provides... You are definitely not alone.

I find that alcohol significantly accelerates my mania... just one shot of liquor jams the gas peddle down on many aspects of my mania-- over confidence, sociability, and hypersexuality, especially. I often find that how I act when manic is how many "normal" people may act while under the influence of alcohol or party drugs, and so when I self medicate, the first stage is EXTREME in your face mania... But the more I consume, the more suppressed those emotions become, and I often spiral into a full dissociative and delusional depressive state.

Is this the first time you've found yourself self medicating? Or does it happen often?