[raspberrytorte]

So, I'm really depressed right now, and it's this annoying depression where I'm really agitated and can't focus or concentrate on anything. It's really uncomfortable. I'm not stable. I am off. I'm paranoid. I have bad paranoia/anxiety attacks. I just want to sleep all the time, but I can't. I'm pushing myself through this. I'm making (or trying anyway) myself do the things I normally do, like write in my journal and work on my writing and clean, etc., and go to work and not call in and have a "mental health" day. Even if every day is hard, and getting harder.

My goal is to NOT end up inpatient before my appointment next month. Yesterday my husband had a serious conversation with me about taking me to the ER because I'm suicidal.

I don't know.

Anyone else push your way through your depression? Make yourself do your daily activities? Put on a nice, happy facade at work?

I'm great with facades. I spent two weeks psychotic during my last episode and no one at work could even tell (not that I interact very much with the people I work with). The only person who could tell I was acting a little weird was our babysitter, just because I was talking really fast (normally I don't talk at all).

[cashart10]

It depends on the depression. Sometimes I can go about my day like a pretty, smiling, little red headed girl, but then my days and nights tend to be mixed up (a little like today and tonight). Other times, I can't even get out of bed. It seems the older I get, the more I can't get out of bed and have a harder time faking it. I hope you don't have to go to the hospital but please listen closely to your husband and go if you need to go.

[~Christina]

I have had a few times where I was very suicidal and had a plan and intent .. But I forced myself to get thru the next few hours , then I would say....Ok I can make it til X and just wash rinse repeat..

I got loads of support from my friends here. I made a 30 day promise to stay safe. I started a thread and checked in daily. My friends listened to my rants, Hugged , supported me , Left me funny jokes on the thread . It made me accountable. It has worked every time I have used it. Its been a couple years now since last I needed it.

I do think that many times people just need to get pissed and push themselves to do what needs to be done.

So basically do the opposite of what you feel like doing, Kick claw and fight!

Get mad at Bipolar... But listen to your husband, he is there... he can see you..If he says you need to go then go...

Stay safe

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I had one depression different than all others when I had to come off my other antidepressant (imipramine) so I could go on an MAOI. Usually you have to be off for 2 weeks between but IP I was able to have one day off between. The plan was a 6 week taper and I had everything worked out to be off work for 2 weeks and I expected to be doing pretty well by that time. I didn't expect to be that bad coming off the AD. Ha! My goal went from 6 weeks to "please God get me through this week". I contacted my pdoc and said it was time to go in when I realized that I was sitting there treating my patients and instead of focusing on them I was just thinking "I just want to die. I cannot keep living like this. I hate everything. I just want to die". That was when I knew my goal was not going to work and so I had to tell everyone at work that I had to be off a week (2 weeks?) sooner and then I was IP longer than expected so I took a 3rd week off.

I've had many times I've planned to just make it whatever date and then I'd get treatment and be ok. I just did that last week in fact. If I'd not been so close to my pdoc visit I know my therapist would have hospitalized me. That worked out.

When it didn't work out I definitely knew.

Does that even make sense?

[Crazy Hitch]

This for me is about one of the hardest parts of depression - "Make yourself do your daily activities? Put on a nice, happy facade at work?"

Putting on a mask for others when you're dying on the inside yourself. It's far from easy. Trying to do things everyday for "me" using the strategies I have learnt for depression - well when I'm depressed sometimes I want to do nothing. Don't want to speak to people or even see people either.

I'm pretty sure your husband has valid concerns about your welfare in terms of your mental health and he's trying his best as he knows how to keep you safe.

I understand your reservations about IP and that this is a goal. It's a great goal to work your way towards. I admire how you've managed to pull yourself through work with all of this going on in the background.

I hope that for you, regardless of what management plan follows moving forward, it is one that serves in your mental health's best interest and not because others are petrified / worried etc ....

[raspberrytorte]

I guess I didn't realize I was doing so poorly until my husband had the inpatient conversation with me. And he was really serious about it. Ready to take me in right away if I agreed it was a good idea (of course I said no. I hate inpatient. I'd have to be taken kicking and screaming, which is what happened last time, except without the kicking and screaming part, just with police officers and an ambulance and a lot of people asking me if I was going to cooperate. That got quite annoying. How can you not cooperate when there are two police officers standing right there. I felt a little intimidated, and I didn't want to make a huge fuss over it because I didn't want to wake up our daughter. And I was pretty sedated, after taking all that medication.)

Anyway, so I WILL be able to make it.

And hopefully I'll be off my clonazepam by then (since they don't prescribe benzos. Assholes). I've already reduced my dose to 1mg a day. Plan on going to .5mg next week maybe. I can really feel it. Not in a bad way necessarily. I have paranoia/anxiety attacks at roughly the same times every day. Between three and four in the afternoon, and then after work. I've been pushing myself through the afternoon paranoia without taking a clonazepam, but I'm still taking one at night.

Today will be interesting because I'm working an eight to four shift instead of a noon to eight, so I'm going to be getting home at around the time of a paranoia/anxiety attack.

I woke up at three in the morning today with mild racing thoughts and couldn't get back to sleep.

I feel like my husband is watching me like a hawk. I got up eventually and started making coffee and all of a sudden he was right there. Jeez. It's just one morning not being able to sleep. I could see if it was several days in a row to be worried.

What I'm wondering about this new clinic is if they prescribe sleeping medications and ADHD medications, or if they're just anti-benzo for whatever reason.

Don't they prescribe ADHD meds to seven year olds?

And they can't prescribe a benzo to an adult?

Makes sense to me. Not really.

I already hate this new pdoc, and I haven't even met her yet. Lol.

Sorry. Don't mean to ramble and somewhat rant.

Before I eventually got up I had this really beautiful image in my head of all the stars up in the sky (like a sky filled with stars, not with most of them hidden by street lights and stuff), and I was watching myself standing there, staring up at them, and then everything started to spin, and when it stopped I spread my arms, and all the stars fell down around me and everything just kind of froze.

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I had one depression different than all others when I had to come off my other antidepressant (imipramine) so I could go on an MAOI. Usually you have to be off for 2 weeks between but IP I was able to have one day off between. The plan was a 6 week taper and I had everything worked out to be off work for 2 weeks and I expected to be doing pretty well by that time. I didn't expect to be that bad coming off the AD. Ha! My goal went from 6 weeks to "please God get me through this week". I contacted my pdoc and said it was time to go in when I realized that I was sitting there treating my patients and instead of focusing on them I was just thinking "I just want to die. I cannot keep living like this. I hate everything. I just want to die". That was when I knew my goal was not going to work and so I had to tell everyone at work that I had to be off a week (2 weeks?) sooner and then I was IP longer than expected so I took a 3rd week off.

I've had many times I've planned to just make it whatever date and then I'd get treatment and be ok. I just did that last week in fact. If I'd not been so close to my pdoc visit I know my therapist would have hospitalized me. That worked out.

When it didn't work out I definitely knew.

Does that even make sense?

I think so. Everything had good timing.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

I guess I didn't realize I was doing so poorly until my husband had the inpatient conversation with me. And he was really serious about it. Ready to take me in right away if I agreed it was a good idea (of course I said no. I hate inpatient. I'd have to be taken kicking and screaming, which is what happened last time, except without the kicking and screaming part, just with police officers and an ambulance and a lot of people asking me if I was going to cooperate. That got quite annoying. How can you not cooperate when there are two police officers standing right there. I felt a little intimidated, and I didn't want to make a huge fuss over it because I didn't want to wake up our daughter. And I was pretty sedated, after taking all that medication.)

Anyway, so I WILL be able to make it.

And hopefully I'll be off my clonazepam by then (since they don't prescribe benzos. Assholes). I've already reduced my dose to 1mg a day. Plan on going to .5mg next week maybe. I can really feel it. Not in a bad way necessarily. I have paranoia/anxiety attacks at roughly the same times every day. Between three and four in the afternoon, and then after work. I've been pushing myself through the afternoon paranoia without taking a clonazepam, but I'm still taking one at night.

Today will be interesting because I'm working an eight to four shift instead of a noon to eight, so I'm going to be getting home at around the time of a paranoia/anxiety attack.

I woke up at three in the morning today with mild racing thoughts and couldn't get back to sleep.

I feel like my husband is watching me like a hawk. I got up eventually and started making coffee and all of a sudden he was right there. Jeez. It's just one morning not being able to sleep. I could see if it was several days in a row to be worried.

What I'm wondering about this new clinic is if they prescribe sleeping medications and ADHD medications, or if they're just anti-benzo for whatever reason.

Don't they prescribe ADHD meds to seven year olds?

And they can't prescribe a benzo to an adult?

Makes sense to me. Not really.

I already hate this new pdoc, and I haven't even met her yet. Lol.

Sorry. Don't mean to ramble and somewhat rant.

Before I eventually got up I had this really beautiful image in my head of all the stars up in the sky (like a sky filled with stars, not with most of them hidden by street lights and stuff), and I was watching myself standing there, staring up at them, and then everything started to spin, and when it stopped I spread my arms, and all the stars fell down around me and everything just kind of froze.

It's not uncommon to grasp the magnitude of how unwell we are until such time as a (sometimes subjective) 2nd opinion is given to us by someone who knows us well enough, that's just my personal opinion. And yes, I'm pretty sure he was serious about it, because when the conversation starts heading towards IP - well, that is a serious conversation indeed. You're not the first and you're not the last probably to go IP without making it clearly noted you don't want to go. Pends where your headsapce is at I guess if it's pretty clear to others you are a danger to yourself then well yes they'll drag you off kicking and screaming, unfortunately.

You said:

Anyway, so I WILL be able to make it.

Again, your positive mindset here stands you in great stead it really does.

Ughh not having benzos suck if you need them. Hey I didn't know IP doesn't give benzos what the hell? Hmmm what do they do with patients that are on benzos then? Very logical (insert sarcasm). The last place I was at - govt legislation changed when the new Health Act came out last year - no smoking whatsoever in the garden outside the psych ward (prior to that well yes patients could). Well suffice to say the doctors / nurses honestly didn't care - alot of the patients just continued to smoke they just turned a blind eye. The nurses on call, when we were smoking outside, would literally just come sit on the bench and chat with us. All weird yes I agree but the rationale behind it one of my nurses told me is that if you chuck a bunch of smokers in a psych ward and remove their cigarettes well that is not going to end well I'll buy into that theory ... Meant I could smoke. Doesn't make it right though.

It's worth the try to see if you can taper down the clonazepam then - if that's what you want - is your pdoc giving you free reign on the dose there? You're managing to push through the afternoon paranoia so that's good at least.

Try not to worry about the anticipation of your work schedule today and the 'timing' of the attack ... you don't want a self fulfilling prophecy - if that's when your anxiety is at its worse - well, *hold thumbs* you'll be round about getting home by then.

Disrupted sleep sucks. How long has that been going on for?

The reality is you might be right - your husband might be watching you "like a hawk" and that might not be paranoia - but if he is it's just because he's concerned about you. He doesn't want to see anything bad happen to you.

Can you phone the clinic today and ask them if they prescribe sleeping medications and ADHD medications? One less thing for you to think about then once you get the answer. Hopefully.

Yes, I do personally know 7 year olds on ADHD meds. There's a variety of reasons (I only know the educational background ones) so honestly I can't even comment on what the policy / rationale behind the policy at a psych ward is. Guess you can ask your clinic.

So if they don't prescribe benzos at the clinic, dunno. You'd have to ask. Might just be their policy. There's a few reasons behind that but what about benzo withdrawal side effects that's the only thing I'm thinking cos I didn't think they were supposed to be stopped abruptly.

Haha well yes, hating your new pdoc and you haven't met her, well let's just say okay and go with this theory After all she wrote the benzo policy all by herself for the clinic Of course!

[raspberrytorte]

Haha. Yeah. I know it's not her fault. Apparently in their practice non of them prescribe benzos. They said they'll taper me. Figure I'll save them the trouble.

In the hospital they give benzos. No problem. It's just the policy at the new clinic I'm going to that doesn't.

Said they'd give me an alternative. No way in hell am I going on an AD so it better not be that.

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

Haha. Yeah. I know it's not her fault. Apparently in their practice non of them prescribe benzos. They said they'll taper me. Figure I'll save them the trouble.

In the hospital they give benzos. No problem. It's just the policy at the new clinic I'm going to that doesn't.

Said they'd give me an alternative. No way in hell am I going on an AD so it better not be that.

Yeah okay gotcha. What are they stingy or something not prescribing benzos What on earth is this world coming to I ask you with tears in my eyes Haha okay but seriously I can understand why not (not saying I'm agreeing with it).

Alternatives are good - there are a few out there that I know of but just wait and see probably what your "lovely" new pdoc says about all of this coming off benzos nonsense

[you can with guidence come off benzos and be fine you'll be fine just probably keep tabs with the new pdoc and let her know what you're doing to taper off the benzo so you're all on the same page oh actually come to think of it would she even correspond with you if she hasn't had the initial consult yet I don't know I'm just wondering from a medical point of view you were told as to how to / and in what dose to taper off the benzo that's all]

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm pushing my way through now. I mean it's a little different than usual because it's situational, so I'm able to forget about it when other people are around. Thankfully my family has been really supportive and not leaving me alone for too long. I did just spend a week IP though...anyway. I know the feeling of taking everything just to get through the day. I'm really good at it too. Last year when I was psychotic no one knew either, they didn't know at work that the second someone stopped talking to me my head showed me images of hurting myself...so I guess I'm pretty good.

I hope your depression abates soon. But there is no shame in going IP if you need it. I hated every minute of my stay this time but looking back it gave me a chance to step back from everything and be in a safe place to experience my grief and get a handle on it.

[Capriciousness]

They don't give you benzos! What *****es!

Raspberry so many thoughts came into my head reading all of your words.

Yeah I fake it. I have kids. I have to fake it 24/7.

Sometimes faking it is all we have

But it scrapes me raw to fake it. Sometimes I feel like it takes so much energy to hold it together and seem normal and fake it that I have nothing left to fight with which is why I also allow myself to grab chances to lie in the dark and give in to the depression.

The depression you are experiencing is a particularly hellish kind and I've been there and my heart truly goes out right to you.

Don't apologize for ranting and rambling. That is what we are here for. I know we have fun on this forum but this is a Bipolar forum not an English proper tea time forum. We keep it REAL. Ha! Really real.

Ditto to what Christina said.

Kick claw fight!

[Crazy Hitch]

Haha Capri I actually nearly fell off my chair when I read your comment:

"They don't give you benzos! What *****es!"

That's about the best statement I've heard all day

[I actually thought PsychCentral censored that word? To look like ******** Oh well]

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

Haha Capri I actually nearly fell off my chair when I read your comment:

"They don't give you benzos! What *****es!"

That's about the best statement I've heard all day

[I actually thought PsychCentral censored that word? To look like ******** Oh well]

Haha. That is a good comment. I'm going to have to memo that one. Lol!

[raspberrytorte]

I mean, it's really making me geek out right now. Thanks for that.

[Capriciousness]

Wahoo raspberry is geeking out!

Haha. I thought that it would get bleeped out to. All my best expressive language gets bleeped. I guess maybe it seemed like language like that was very called for in this situation. Ha

you don't take a girls benzos!

"Mother's little helper." lol

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

Haha. That is a good comment. I'm going to have to memo that one. Lol!

raspberrytorte you crack me up I die laughing at your comments

"memo that one" hahahahaha

*memos that one immediately

I think we should go bunjee jumping.

You get to jump first.

(safe jump don't worry it had ropes)

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

Wahoo raspberry is geeking out!

Haha. I thought that it would get bleeped out to. All my best expressive language gets bleeped. I guess maybe it seemed like language like that was very called for in this situation. Ha

you don't take a girls benzos!

Right?

I'm so mad at myself! I'm prescribed 4mg a day by my old doctor and was doing great yesterday. Took 2mg. Okay. Little over what I'm trying to taper right now. But that's okay. I had a really bad paranoia attack last night.

And then my husband comes home from work, and I thought he'd be happy because I'm starting to feel silly, and instead he started interrogating me about how much sleep I got the night before (which was four I think) and saying that I need to get more sleep and it's a warning sign that I'm going up and if I start getting less than four hours a sleep for many consecutive days in a row he WILL bring me to the ER.

For the love of Pete! I can't win!

Anyway, so I took the other two clonazepam so I could sleep so my husband wouldn't get upset.

And I ate way too many cookies last night. Seriously. I have the worst stomach ache. That's what I get for eating like an entire package of birthday cake oreo cookies! Just what my big fat *** needs. Lol!

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by ValentinaVVV

"Mother's little helper." lol

Haha. I think that was valium.

I know because my old doctor used to tell me all the time about how in the fifties diazepam was called mommy's little helper, and that's why she didn't prescribe that one.

(Which never really made sense to me... but okay. At least she prescribed the other ones!)

[raspberrytorte]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

raspberrytorte you crack me up I die laughing at your comments

"memo that one" hahahahaha

*memos that one immediately

I think we should go bunjee jumping.

You get to jump first.

(safe jump don't worry it had ropes)

No. Seriously. Whenever I hear a funny phrase I memo it in my phone. Lol. Like one of my favorites is: "I don't think the bearded lady is driving around egging people.", or "This is not a cab my friend, I assure you." Or one time (this was on Easter sunday and we were closing early because of the holiday and this man called and was all pissed off about it), and my coworker said, "People are so annoying and nauseating!", and one time my husband said that some guy looked like, "An anorexic caveman."

Don't know about bungee jumping. You'd REALLY have to get me benzo'ed up to do something like that, and I'm trying to taper here. Haha.

[Capriciousness]

Raspberry I only have a second but wanted to say to be careful about weaning off of those gold nuggets (benzos) I weaned off to get pregnant awhile ago and was only on 1mg a day. That Pdoc said no big deal and I came down over the course of a week maybe four days? But it was bad. My anxiety spiked. I felt shaky and depressed. I had heart palpitations (which that Pdoc said were in my mind. I looked at that man and said "heart palpitations in my mind?" I guess he thought I was making **** up. Anyway I started back on them and it went away right away. So a couple weeks later I started again in my own way and went off achingly slow like I was on 1mg and I weaned down over about four weeks until I was literally licking dust off the pill cutter.

Everybody is different with these things. I just thought it might be useful to hear my tale.

Hope you're doing well today!

Let's skydive!

(Imagine there is a cool gif here of me jumping out of a plane!)

[raspberrytorte]

Oh no.

That's why I'm trying to get down to just 1mg. I was having really bad chest pains, but I have some propranolol.

I hope this new doc will have a feasible taper plan for me.

This is stressing me out so much!

[raspberrytorte]

I tend to get very physically dependent on medications and withdrawals are always really hard for me. (Like this seroquel withdrawal. I mean, I was only on it for five months! I've been on benzos now for three years. It's going to be brutal.)

I've been so up and down!

I cried the other day because I was too pathetic and anxious and scared to take my daughter to her music class. And the other day we were sitting outside (she likes drawing with her sidewalk chalk), and there was this sketchy man across the street, and all of a sudden I got terrified that he was going to hurt us or something and had to go inside immediately. And tonight after my daughter went to bed I was just sitting on the couch, looked up and saw my reflection in the TV screen, and I looked like one of those shadow people I see sometimes, and than my reflection kind of started moving back and forth (without me moving at all because I was too terrified!).

I was looking over my mood chart (I've been tracking), and I've been all over the place. Silly and up feeling, depressed and crying (mostly it's been depressed and crying. I mean, I cry almost every day. Sad. Yeah). I have so not been stable at all. And still stupid suicidal thoughts.

And I've started becoming obsessed again with the whole positive energy thing, which isn't a good sign. I'd rather not have a repeat of my last episode. I guess at least I can see the signs now. I went psychotic so fast last time.

Sigh.

[raspberrytorte]

Oh, and the agitation and focusing and concentrating issues. I can't stand it. I have work to do, and I just CANNOT concentrate or focus or sit still! It's so frustrating. And it makes me feel like a ****ing failure.