[CopperStar]

My opinion of my self in terms of functionality, is that as long as I'm on the right med(s) to eliminate symptoms, I am fully capable of living a normal life. I would actually feel really awkward and guilty applying for disability, because I don't think I really need it.

But some people in my life cop this attitude towards me like I'm already an officially disabled person and shouldn't even attempt to live life normally.

First it was my physician who told me during an appointment while I was still mixed, before starting Zyprexa, that she didn't see how I could possibly work. But I brushed that crap off because I was in a mixed state, that wasn't me on medication.

Now my mother, whose opinion is worth about as much as a piece of dental floss when it comes to my mental health, is heavily implying that I shouldn't try to work full-time, that it's not safe for me to drive because I quit driving in the past while without medication, because the panic attacks did make it dangerous for me to drive back then, years ago.

I think some people in my life are just being melodramatic negative nancies or are trying to sabotage me or something.

I will admit that I can't really function without medication, been trying that over and over for years now, and it has never gone well. It has always gone terribly, and last time I wound up homeless. But I'm giving medication a fair shot now, about a month into it so far and still determined.

But all this talk like I'm seriously disabled I feel like is increasing my chances of failure, because it's giving me "what if" anxiety. Like what if I try to drive again, and I can't, because I'm too groggy on meds or because of panic attacks coming back. What if I can't hold down a job. I've never held down a job legitimately before. My first one was 7 years long, but I only didn't get fired because I was dating the general manager's son for most of it. I didn't always show up, I didn't always shower or dress appropriately, and sometimes I didn't do hardly any work, especially when paranoid. Then I had two jobs after that, both only lasted a few months before I went crazy and lost them both.

But even while unmedicated and crazy, I was always seriously determined. So I couldn't drive, well I was a pedestrian in an area where it got below zero out and walked an hour to work. I got frost nip and damaged my feet, but I did it. Too scrambled in the mind to even figure out where to begin when it comes to credit, banking, loans, financial stuff of all kinds, well I found a room to sublet in a house, no credit or bank account required. I've always struggled to compensate for my issues and to survive. But was that stuff crazy? Was it crazy of me to walk an hour to/from work in -15* F weather, or was that proof that I didn't really need help.

I find the whole concept really confusing. I've been conditioned to never ask for help or else feel unbearably guilty as payment for it, and now I'm being treated like I'm severely disabled. Like I'm supposed to be severely disabled, but also not get help, and basically just live my life sitting on a couch all day everyday. Well that's not acceptable to me. Either I need to get proper assistance, or I can do this **** and people need to stop trying to scare me out of it.

How do normal outside observer people gauge when a person is capable? Is there anything objective that I can use for guidance?

[Nick9075]

Can't keep a job any job due to performance issues that are affected by medications. And taking too much time off or early days to see pdoc gets me fired. At age 40 when you have been thru this you are unemployable and disability is the only income u will ever see

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[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by Nick9075

Can't keep a job any job due to performance issues that are affected by medications. And taking too much time off or early days to see pdoc gets me fired. At age 40 when you have been thru this you are unemployable and disability is the only income u will ever see

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Well I'm closing in on 30. I've been unemployed for about a year now, but on my resume is shows two years of unemployment because I'm leaving my previous two jobs off the resume. If someone called those two past employers, then they would hear about how I was a nutter and ran off the jobs in the midst of total mental breakdowns, but it would probably be phrased even worse because neither of them were aware that I was mentally ill. I would rather try to come up with an explanation as to why I haven't been employed in two years, than have a possible employer call those two references.

I also have no vehicle which makes trying to get a job extremely hard, and I'm not sure if my body can take another Winter of walking for hours outside in below zero weather. My feet are also in bad shape still. My mother is loaded with money and could easily afford to get me a used vehicle, which would open up job prospects big time, but she is copping this attitude like it's not safe for me to drive. So like wtf am I supposed to do. I need to get a job, I need the vehicle to get and hold a job, and the only person who could easily help me with that, is acting like I'm too disabled to even drive and is acting upset that I would even ask for the help.

So what am I supposed to do if I can function well enough to hold a job with the right medication, which means I should not be on disability, but I can't get a job because I have no transportation, because I'm being treated like I'm disabled. I've applied to the joints within 3 square miles of the house, and have received no calls. I'm almost at a dead end and don't know what to do. If I go out further than 3 miles as a pedestrian, come Winter I'm going to end up really sick or with really messed up feet. The whole situation just makes me want to punch something sometimes.

[SammyGladstone78]

Hello CopperStar,

My situation is a little different from yours, but I have encountered similar questions about work and disability. I'm sending positive vibes your way.

[raspberrytorte]

Would your mom be willing to give you rides to and from work, or anyone else for that matter? I used to walk to work (in rain, snow, freezing cold weather, lol), but now I get rides.

I've never been treated as disabled. Quite the opposite actually. I don't really know how to tell when you're incapable of working and need assistance. Working is very difficult for me. I just don't know. I'm in a gray area right now regarding that.

But good luck whatever you choose to do. You could try holding down a job again and if things don't work out apply for disability.

[BadWolfC]

I've been told that I should be on disability, but I don't feel like I need it either, maybe because I've never been treated that way. But I think it comes down to how much you think you can handle. Just because you rely on medication doesn't mean you can't function at all. It isn't as if you have to stop taking the meds in order to work. I rely on medication pretty heavily, but that doesn't stop me from trying to do what I want with my life, even if it's hard sometimes. If you think you can handle working, then go for it. Don't let the naysayers stop you. It's your life, after all.

[cashart10]

I am a stay at home mom. My pdoc has strongly encouraged disability but I am against it. I thrived when I worked outside of my home. I am certain I will some day be able to do it again.

I think it is your decision whether you need disability or do not need disability. If you believe that you are capable of work, go for it. Nevermind what those around you suggest; they do not have your determination and they do not know if you will achieve stability. If you try and continue to fail, I believe you will know when it is time to concede.

[Disorder7]

I'm in the process of filing for disability. My pdoc doesn't think I should work.

There are times when I'm, well, not safe to be around. ( Not all of the time. Sometimes, I'm okay.) But it wouldn't be fair to put me working next to or for someone, who didn't know that I can flip. And when I flip, I need isolation and an antipsychotic. Arguing with me can be a very bad thing.

Also, I have almost daily panic attacks and flip out. I'm sure if I were to obtain a job, all I would have to do is roll around on the floor for awhile and I'd probably lose my job.

Plus, I hallucinate sometimes. That could be embarrassing.

Anyway, I worked many years and paid into the system, now I need some of it back.

[Christopher1990]

I'm on social security and I have to stay on it for another year.. I hate not working but I, stuck in a situation. If you go on disability it doesn't mean you have to stay on it forever. You can see how it goes. They even have a trial work period program where you can stay on it and go back to work up to 9 months then get off it.

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[SillyKitty]

I was told to apply because I'm "treatment resistant" and have been inpatient 3 times in the past 2 years, as well as PHP once and IOP twice and rehab once. But I got denied, so it's a crap shoot as far as getting it.

[*Laurie*]

This is an excellent and very helpful thread. Thank you, CopperStar. I wish I had some answers...I don't. But I have often wondered about the same question.

[WibblyWobbly]

I'm applying because I can't function right now. I get anxiety just making a phone call—I'll stare at the phone for two hours. I'm trying to spend more time with friends outside of the house so I can get used to social interaction again.

Maybe you can work on the car thing by bringing your mom to an appt with your T? I think if you feel ready, you probably are.

[BastetsMuse]

I'm on disability, and how I got here was a long road with a hot of hits....first of all, over a year I used all of my family leave. Then I changed jobs and crashed and burned out of another one, but that one actually wasn't my fault entirely. After that, I worked as a contract employee until my psychiatrist flat-out told me I needed to apply for disability and that she would do her part to fill out the paperwork.... but there were huge hints before that, as employers suggested I only work part time (but I didn't listen because it wasn't MY fault, right?).

Look at your life, if you have no life because you have to concentrate all of your life on working, that's a big sign right there. If your doctor is actually willing to do the paperwork for you, there's another huge sign. And having your job be your life and having no life is a third.

I hope this helps you. I know that being disabled has actually been a good thing for me.

[czarina1984]

I've been on disability for almost 3 years. What finally made me do it was a combination of side effects and med changes that didn't help. Almost 40 changes in the year before I stopped working. If I had a legitamite reason for thinking things would get better I would have kept working. Looking back I am glad I did stop and I try to look at how my day-to-day life is now and whether working is possible. I know it isn't. I do work 5 hours a week for a friend and most days I come home from that and crash. She knows the situation and has allowed me to work from home or cancel weeks if I need to. Somehow knowing I can barely handle that makes me more sure that if I tried to work full time, it would be another disaster.

You may not feel disabled and that your meds should make you stable enough to work, but finding the right meds and getting to know yourself on them and what your limits are takes time. Disability gives you that time to re-evaluate yourself and put you on a path that works for you instead of you working to fit yourself into a bad situation.

Wish you the best.

[CopperStar]

Thank you for all the replies. I see my pdoc in a few days and might ask her for her opinion, let her know that I want to give it a try as far as working, but that I'm having anxiety about how I'm going to manage to pull it off.

I don't think I could get disability benefits even if I needed them, anyway. Throughout my life, whenever I should have been hospitalized, instead I was ignored or judged and then left to implode. Reading so many posts and stories from people online about needing to be hospitalized made me realize just how many times I should have been over the years, but wasn't. And of course I didn't realize that I was psychotic because well I was psychotic, it never occurred to me to try to get to an ER. So I have pretty much no paper trail, have just lost everything. I feel like my mother has royally screwed me over by never getting me proper help all these years when I was clearly very unstable. And now I need her to help me with transportation, and she's displaying a very clear attitude that she doesn't want to help me get back on my feet. She has **** all over my attempts to be independent over the years and has always displayed the attitude of wanting me as her demented house pet, trapped forever as narcissistic supply. I fear I have lost and the checkmate is imminent.

I will ask my pdoc if she thinks I am having irrational anxiety or not, and if so if she thinks I should try something for it. I can't trust my own mind or anyone in my life. Can't trust anything. Feels like the twilight zone.

My family forced me on to it. I still work when I can but every time I am assessed they say I do not have the capacity to work. Wasnt my choice and wish it'd not happened.

[wiretwister]

on my first pdoc visit he suggested disability, same with my t, WTF, I have worked before and since my ip and meds, ... granted at about 10% in the beginning with a lot of "sick" days and burned thru all my vacation days quickly , ... but with my xanex I kept going , ... have to admit I was very afraid if I had an accident while on that much xanex they would have put me under the jail , ... I believe they said "the big D" because of the dx and not out of any concern for me ... if you can work do so , if not then it is probably best to get help from wherever you can , ... if they ok your disability who are you to argue with that , ... as many here will tell you it is not that easy to get ...

[kimber1234]

Originally Posted by Nick9075

Can't keep a job any job due to performance issues that are affected by medications. And taking too much time off or early days to see pdoc gets me fired. At age 40 when you have been thru this you are unemployable and disability is the only income u will ever see

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Other than taking your meds, is there something that will make working possible in a job? For instance, I have to have a reliable schedule everyday. I'm a teacher and I have to have my own classroom for planning and teaching (actually a difficult feat). I have a backup teacher that can cover my class in case I get a panic attack. My pdoc wrote these as disability requirements that, by law, they have to follow.

When filling out an application, you do have to say you have a disability that can be managed with workplace accommodations (they can't ask you about it in an interview!)

If you don't think you can follow through on the accommodations, then disability may be for you...just know that it is HELL to sign up for and actually get awarded. Have an attorney help you.

[Edgar's Mom]

For me it came down to the fact that working was not helping but causing me harm. I tried and tried and it would go like this:

Get job during hypomania. Ride that while doing an incredible job and being very appreciated by bosses. Take on as much as I could and enjoy it. Start to get tired and feel myself slipping.

Enter depression and go on autopilot. Struggle to go to work every day. Start to miss shifts and have an increasingly difficult time going to work. Start losing sleep worrying about going to work.

Depression becomes agitated. Keep going until I couldn't stand it anymore and have a complete breakdown. Destroy things, hurt myself and become suicidal. Plunge further into depression and be unable to leave the house.

When I would eventually come out of that and enter a hypomanic state I would look for another job, trending toward jobs with less responsibility (ie, social worker to waitress).

I've worked in a physiotherapy clinic, pet stores (in charge of reptiles and mouse breeding), as a social worker, doing laser hair removal, equestrian centres (mucking stalls), bred guppies, construction (cement, mason's labourer), a waitress, a cook, and a baker. I'm sure there are one or two I'm forgetting.

The resume got more and more difficult (explaining gaps) and my husband couldn't handle the roller coaster anymore and told me he thought I shouldn't work. The breakdowns at the end were getting worse and more dangerous. And there was no balance in our lives. When I was working that's all I could do. No housework, no cooking etc.

But also, no self care. No time or energy for recreation, exercise or healthy food. So my health would start to slip there too..

Since I stopped working I've tried to do art, writing and photography but although I'm good at all of those things it doesn't matter because I can't stick to anything of finish or follow through.

So to sum it up, when work was doing me more harm than good I was in disability territory.

I applied for and was accepted for federal disability.

I hope to be more functional after ECT and would like to get back to producing some art/photography/writing.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

... I feel like my mother has royally screwed me over by never getting me proper help all these years when I was clearly very unstable. And now I need her to help me with transportation, and she's displaying a very clear attitude that she doesn't want to help me get back on my feet. She has **** all over my attempts to be independent over the years and has always displayed the attitude of wanting me as her demented house pet, trapped forever as narcissistic supply. I fear I have lost and the checkmate is imminent.

CopperStar, I don't know how old you are, but I'm confused as to why it's your mother's responsibility for you to get the proper help? I understand that she's putting her needs before yours (I had a mother who did the same to me...for example, going away to college after high school was not an option for me because I had to take care of my mom), but I'm unclear as to why you can't get the help you need without your mother's permission.

[BipolaRNurse]

I was dysfunctional enough that I got disability on the first try, and within six months of filing all my paperwork. Since then, my stress levels have plunged and I'm finally stable. I couldn't have done this while working, sad to say.

[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by LauraBeth

CopperStar, I don't know how old you are, but I'm confused as to why it's your mother's responsibility for you to get the proper help? I understand that she's putting her needs before yours (I had a mother who did the same to me...for example, going away to college after high school was not an option for me because I had to take care of my mom), but I'm unclear as to why you can't get the help you need without your mother's permission.

I would never be approved for disability. I don't need it in the sense that I can function well enough to hold down a simple job, and I also have no paper trail for my psychotic episodes over the years, I was never taken to the hospital when I was psychotic. There is no help for me to get. Normally I would be homeless, which I was, but my mother will allow to me to live in her house. But I need transportation to get and hold a job. My mother could easily afford to give me that boost in getting back up on my feet. But she doesn't actually ever want me to ever get away from her. She has already failed miserably in her responsibility as a parent when I was a child and teenager, in ways that would need trigger warnings to explain. So her "responsibility" hasn't been an issue in years, that's done and over with. Most people couldn't understand I guess. If you didn't grow up abused and then find yourself at the mercy of your abuser, who doesn't ever want you to escape from them, unless you want to go die on the streets, then my feelings might not make sense to you.

[Edgar's Mom]

That is SUPER sh•tty Copperstar. I feel really badly for you. It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place.

Do you have other friends or relatives you could stay with till you got back on your feet.

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[CopperStar]

Originally Posted by Edgar's Mom

That is SUPER sh•tty Copperstar. I feel really badly for you. It sounds like you are between a rock and a hard place.

Do you have other friends or relatives you could stay with till you got back on your feet.

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I don't. I mean hopefully nobody gets me wrong here, I'm not looking for anyone to provide solutions or make me feel better. I know it's just a suck situation and that it's okay to feel upset about it. I'm just having a difficult time perceiving with confidence because

1. I'm still having symptoms
2. I'm getting mixed messages from people (irl)
3. I hardly know what it normal to be completely honest
4. I know next to nothing about disability

Like when I first moved in after the worst of my then-episode with psychosis, and was still doing very badly, my mother wouldn't take me to see a psychiatrist even though I really needed to see one ASAP. I was still all jacked up mentally and only off the streets for a couple weeks before she was picking out an interviewing outfit for me while I walked around the store unshowered in a paranoid daze, and her husband was confronting me about getting a job and moving out as soon as possible. After several months of living as a psychotic hermit in their house, my mother finally agreed to take me to see psychiatrist because I was starting to become unpleasant to be around, smelling bad and communicating poorly. Now I'm a month into medication and starting to do somewhat better, and suddenly my mother is coming up with all these reasons that all have to do with me not being capable enough, as to why she doesn't want to help me get a job. She's even trying to sabotage me by telling me stuff like I need to wear jeans to an interview (if I can even get one) or otherwise people will think I don't fit in and won't hire me (when I know damn well that I need to where business casual to an interview). She's treating me like I'm stupid and disabled. She just wants to see me fail on my face and be her pet for as long as possible, while she's also the only person with the power to help me. I can't wait to see my pdoc in a couple days. Since I don't qualify for disability, hopefully she can at least give me something that will help me not care.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by CopperStar

I would never be approved for disability. I don't need it in the sense that I can function well enough to hold down a simple job, and I also have no paper trail for my psychotic episodes over the years, I was never taken to the hospital when I was psychotic. There is no help for me to get. Normally I would be homeless, which I was, but my mother will allow to me to live in her house. But I need transportation to get and hold a job. My mother could easily afford to give me that boost in getting back up on my feet. But she doesn't actually ever want me to ever get away from her. She has already failed miserably in her responsibility as a parent when I was a child and teenager, in ways that would need trigger warnings to explain. So her "responsibility" hasn't been an issue in years, that's done and over with. Most people couldn't understand I guess. If you didn't grow up abused and then find yourself at the mercy of your abuser, who doesn't ever want you to escape from them, unless you want to go die on the streets, then my feelings might not make sense to you.

I understand entirely. I grew up in a home in which there was all the 'usual' forms of abuse (physical, emotional, sexual). My mother, while quite a fascinating woman, was mentally ill and was physically extremely ill (had an aortic valve replacement when I was 14 & subsequently, serious cardiac issues). My father and older sisters left the home when I was a young child, my mom remarried an abusive man who was in and out of the home sporadically, and it was up to me - a child and a teen - to see to it that my mother was taken care of. I fled my home when I was 18, soon married and had children - but I remained my mother's primary caregiver. By my late-20's my marriage was suffering, in great part because of my mother's constant interference and demands for my attention (which I gave to her).

I entered into intensive therapy at the age of 28. One of my major therapy goals was to learn to set healthier boundaries with my mom, and with others in my life. I was so used to putting my mother's needs before my own (a habit she hardily groomed and encouraged) that I had never learned how to set limits, never learned that it was necessary to take care of myself. I married a VERY needy man, had needy friends, and so on.

All these years later, me at age 52 and my mom dead for a decade, I still find it challenging not to put others' needs before my own. But I did and have learned and practiced, with the help of therapists and groups, both IRL and online, to lessen the 'dance', first with my mom (I still loved her and cared for her, but I stopped attending to her every need every single day and - AMAZING! - we both survived), then with my husband and others in my life.

My point is, it sounds like you are involved in a 'dance' with your mom. If it's working for you, great. If it's not working for you, you have a couple of choices as I see it....you can either accept the situation or you can invest your time in working to change it. Either way, you are an adult...it's up to you, know what I mean?