[boogiesmash]

I saw my psychologist today and we started talking about my father who I blame for several issues and was told it isn't good to have grudges. Of course we hit on that towards the end of therapy so we would be continuing next session with it. My dad was a complete douche and I blame him for not being able to trust people and other issues. I find it would be hard to forgive him. Do any of you have grudges or have resolved any grudges?

[Ripose]

I blamed my father for everything until one day I realized that he was most likely bipolar, with serious BPD issues as well. Coming to this realization really softened my opinion of him.

[vjdragonfly]

I try not to hold grudges, but some are hard to let go. I look at it that I can forgive something and let go, but I will never allow myself to be in a position for it to repeat. I wouldn't really call that a grudge, just self preservation.

[wiretwister]

unless the grudge affects the other directly you only hurt yourself with it ... why torture yourself with something that has no affect on anyone else ...

[fishin fool]

I held a grudge against my mother for years for so many reasons that I just don't want
to get into. Now my mom is 75 and has Alzhiemers. I was her care taker for a year and
a half. During that time I realized that she was no longer the woman I knew before and
I also realized that she definitely had serious mental health issues that she never
got any help for. Now I just feel bad for her and visit her when I can.
It doesn't change the things she did in the past but at least it is an explanation and
that has helped me let it go.

[wildflowerchild25]

I was mad at my mom for childhood stuff for years. From like 13 until probably 22. When I was around 22 I finally was able let go after I realized she probably had the same issues as me and really couldn't control how she acted. I felt so much better after I let it go. You don't really forgive for the other person's benefit. You forgive for yourself.

[faerie_moon_x]

I struggle with a grudge I have with my dad about not seeking more help for my mental health problems when I was a teen. He's passed away now and there's nothing I can do about it. But, I still have this resentment that he just let me struggle. I hope someday to be able to fully forgive this.

Secondly, I hold a huge grudge against my old so-called friends who witnessed me having my psychotic break and used it for their amusement and even played along, and then abandoned me completely once they grew tired of me. This made it very difficult for me to make friends for many years and even now I struggle with trust.

i still need to reflect on the idea of holding grudges but...

so far, from what ive learned, no not exactly, i am not holding any grudges... ive held a very long grudge against many people, but especially my parents, not for one, or two but several several reasons... and people used to tell me things about this, trying to help me become more self aware of my situation, and why i still held the grudges...

now i am working on getting over it... which now brings up the idea of forgiveness.... i have to find a way to balance how i learn from their mistakes, as well as my own.... to be able to help defend myself without the need to react to them in volatile manner....

[gina_re]

When I was 19 I didn't talk to my dad for about two years. It was brought up in therapy at the time. Now I can be pretty stubborn and not want to back down. But at the end of the day, he is my father so I will eventually have to face the issue. So I wrote him a letter laying it all out there about how I felt. We talked and made up and I went to visit him when I was out in California not too long after. We've had our ups and downs since, and went through another no talking phase, but now we talk all the time. It really does take time to get through everything, but he is your father. I hope it all works out for you.

[WibblyWobbly]

I still hold a grudge against my dad. He abused me and spent 12 years in prison. He did his time and I wish I could let it go, for myself, not him. The anger keeps me tied to him and keeps me from healing. I think a grudge can be part of your healing process for awhile but when you are ready you either have to forgive or cut the person out of your life and forget.

[lunaticfringe]

I hold a grudge against my mother for the things she subjected me to as a child and for the way she chooses to live her life. She is in her mid fifties and has accomplished nothing in her life and seems to have no drive to do so at all. I see her as a loser and I am embarrassed that she is my mother. I try to be as unlike her as possible. If I'm being honest I find her disgusting. Just being honest here. I should probably talk about this with my therapist.

[boogiesmash]

I think I hold grudges on lazy co workers as well cause I can't stand picking up their slack. I also have a grudge against another co worker who screwed me over pretty good over a job opportunity and treated me like **** when I hit rock bottom. How do you forgive on that?

[BlackSheep79]

I have problems with grudges, my parents. I rarely talk to them and they are five minutes away. I just had a screaming match with my mother on the phone almost two weeks ago. I'm pissed about my childhood and just can't understand there thinking process on life. Just the sound of her voice is a trigger for me. I just stay away unless I have to interact. I actually have stopped seeing a therapist before because they didn't want to lay off on my issue with my parents. Some people just shouldn't have children. I stay away and feel so much better.

I just try to see my parents as little as possible. Or in small doses. I don't feel guilty anymore for holidays, etc. I told them they can come over for christmas OR thanksgiving.

I just limit my time around them.

Thank you boogiesmash for this thread it's really good. I am 48 and have been sober for 16 years and worked with psychiatrists and psychologists for years but I still bear the main, fundamental grudges. AA helped a lot as the 12 steps have you work through your resentments rigorously. But more damage has been done to me, not of my own making in recent years and it keeps the big hitter resentments going around and around in my head. I have Bipolar II and CPTSD with Psychotic features and I am on the disability pension, totally isolated so I have way too much time to ruminate on all this. I'm in that space where I'm too sick to get out and socialise or work, but being alone means I just get sicker and sicker and can't socialise or work. Vicious circle.It's awful.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm lucky I can't hold a grudge for the life of me.

I can't hold a grudge.

[xxblackrosesxx]

I am far too nice to even hold a grudge on anyone. Even if they have hurt me, I'll forgive them.

[boogiesmash]

Originally Posted by xxblackrosesxx

I am far too nice to even hold a grudge on anyone. Even if they have hurt me, I'll forgive them.

I got too much of an honor complex to let it go. Especially when it is someone close.

[Capriciousness]

I have a hard time with these kinds of things because I never know what EXactly a grudge or forgiveness means in these things....in these ways....so yeah I try to be forgiving and no hold grudges and I feel like I succeed.

But I can't just delete these events from my life and I cannot erase all evidence of emotional pain from them....

so i don't know

i think probably my short answer is yes

and i think it is normal to hold grudges.

perhaps it even serves a healthy protective purpose in certain situations.

[cakeladie]

I can hold a grudge sorry to say. I hold one on my biological father. He broke a broom on my mom stomach when she was pregnant with with me. He gave up his rights to me and my sister when I was 1 year old so that my moms second husband could adopt us. He did not want to pay child support and back them if you gave up your rights you did not have to.

My mom and I did not talk for about 5 years and we are currently not talking. Everything has to be her way and she can never see the other side. She harassed me the other week calling and texting at all hours of the night for something I really had no control over. Plus the doctor had me on bed rest and if I did not rest I was going to have to go into the hospital but she did not care. She wanted me to do what she wanted me to do no matter what. So no I am not speaking to her currently.

So I guess you can say I can hold a grudge.

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

I have a hard time with these kinds of things because I never know what EXactly a grudge or forgiveness means in these things....in these ways....so yeah I try to be forgiving and no hold grudges and I feel like I succeed.

But I can't just delete these events from my life and I cannot erase all evidence of emotional pain from them....

so i don't know

i think probably my short answer is yes

and i think it is normal to hold grudges.

perhaps it even serves a healthy protective purpose in certain situations.

"But I can't just delete these events from my life and I cannot erase all evidence of emotional pain from them...."

So true. I've worked endlessly on this stuff but it all still just sticks. It's about brain plasticity. We learn most about the world when we're kids and it's so hard to shift from the thinking we were engineered to have in our minds. And for me, all that makes me very reactive to things in my current life as that learning was about terror, abuse and neglect. And they say survival mechanisms we have as children are maladaptive if they roll over into adulthood. But they're so imprinted on our brains.

Rarely a grudge holder. Someone has to work pretty darn hard to make my "thou art Forevermore S*** Unto Me" list. Others have brought up the parent thing, and it's true, I haven't spoken to her in years. I don't think of it as a grudge though. Childhood damage done, can't be undone. Never "owned" any of it. BUT. The reason I did finally cut off contact was her continuing toxicity in the (then) present. It wasn't about "holding something against". It was about self-care.

The "F.S.U.M." list is actually very, very short. (Really, it takes so much effort on their part that it only seems fair to grant a place on the list. )

I'm big into giving the benefit of the doubt, seeing in grays and from various viewpoints, and vastly prefer getting along (or at least adjusting things to whatever level of interaction minimalization is needed to achieve a basically peaceable atmosphere.) Bridges may suffer from neglect, but I'm not prone to actively burning them.

[Capriciousness]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Rarely a grudge holder. Someone has to work pretty darn hard to make my "thou art Forevermore S*** Unto Me" list. Others have brought up the parent thing, and it's true, I haven't spoken to her in years. I don't think of it as a grudge though. Childhood damage done, can't be undone. Never "owned" any of it. BUT. The reason I did finally cut off contact was her continuing toxicity in the (then) present. It wasn't about "holding something against". It was about self-care.

The "F.S.U.M." list is actually very, very short. (Really, it takes so much effort on their part that it only seems fair to grant a place on the list. )

I'm big into giving the benefit of the doubt, seeing in grays and from various viewpoints, and vastly prefer getting along (or at least adjusting things to whatever level of interaction minimalization is needed to achieve a basically peaceable atmosphere.) Bridges may suffer from neglect, but I'm not prone to actively burning them.

Ha. I am kind of the opposite. As soon as I feel wounded you are dead to me and I slam the door. I guess I can't handle the hurt. But I have learned to open the door back up.........

[boogiesmash]

Originally Posted by Capriciousness

Ha. I am kind of the opposite. As soon as I feel wounded you are dead to me and I slam the door. I guess I can't handle the hurt. But I have learned to open the door back up.........

I'm the same way too.