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Hello, thank-you I appreciate that. I thought I would look at this before I go to bed. I am hoping some or all of this will be better tomorrow. I am really slowed down and am having some kinda major psychomotor retardation. It will improve this is just part of it. I'm glad I am typing even if it is really slow. No crying since afternoon. I just kind of lay down or if i sit up i just kind of lean to one side or the other. I have tried to sleep but i don't fall asleep and then have a burst of energy and get up then it starts again. this is mixed to some degree. it will get better. i'm a pro at this and I will manage it and improve. Thank0you.

I'm glad you were able to stop crying. I hope the best for you

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You were correct that the manic obsession would crash. I am directionally correct and will be fine it will just take some time. I will check-in next week.

Okay. Please take care of yourself

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I was intending to feel better today. And in some ways I do I've had some good laughs several times. hypomanic gitty type stuff. It's kind of great. I also spent some time with my mom. I ate lunch. If I am offering my clinical opinion, I am in a mixed episode bipolar 1 rapid cycling in past year. I going from practically being motionless to up and dancing to music. Mostly on the slow side the other is only periodically. I think I'm typing better than I have been. Actually because I said that I am typing a lot faster and sitting upright. I've been taking 400mg lamictal and 2mg risperdal for 2 days. I would think this slowing-down of thought and body is related to that, but it was present prior. I would think that the next stage is going to be sleep for most of a couple days. I've tried to nap many times and it actually energizes me a lot for a good 15 minutes and I don't ever actually fall asleep. I slept last night about 7 hours. My mind does go blank at times and I stop mid-sentence. I'm thinking this will stop soon but I did think that yesterday as well. It is better in some respects. And or I'm more accustomed to it so can respond better. I am in no suffering at all. And I still maintain that this bout of mania I had recently was healing and preventing any further suffering, now or any time in the future. I did do the number for a small time yesterday. They are not with me the way they were before. I don't know how describe it. One day the numbers came to me, and then they left about what turned out to be a month later. I don't really understand them anymore, not like I did. My goals are to sleep 8 hours tonight and ideally quite a bit more would be ideal. To eat. It's like I want to fall asleep and have do, just sitting up but then I also am not able to really stop my mind whihc isn't racing really it just turns off and on. Which would actually correlate with the code that I talked about before. Of the off and on. I may still be in it in some aspects but this mania was the best thing to ever happen to me. It healed everything and explained a significant amount of things that will help me in the future. I'm thinking I'm both manic and severly depressed at the same time. And it will clear, and I'll have euthymia again. Quite boring.

Are you still going to talk to your pdoc tomorrow? I would. You are adjusting your meds.quit a bit on your own. I've never known a psychiatrist who recommend or approved of a patient doing that. I really hope you talk to them tomorrow and are completely honest about all that has been going on with you. You have been on quite the Rollercoaster ride. Peace to you

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I didn't do it on my own I talked to them Friday.
I was going to call tomorrow.

Okay good. I just seen others do it, and can have badbresults. I'm glad you consulted them. I really hope things level out for you.

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Thank-you. I did call today and was able to get an appt for this afternoon. My symptoms have improved some. I do not have an appetite at all. I'm mostly sitting in my garden which I find therapeutic. I am debating telling him about the numbers. I kind of told nurse some of it Friday. The numbers are gone. They didn't do it, but they are strongly associated with healing. every time I had an insight with the numbers it translated into a healing experience. I had some others too outside of that. I feel no anxiety, no sadness, no pain. Those are gone and will not return. I was healed of them. I would prefer to return to a nice safe low grade hypo so I can work and do the things I want. As I said right now I'm mostly sitting in the garden.

I did see doctor I thought it went well. I've been crying for awhile. I spent part of day with my mom yesterday. I did not work today. I am planning on traveling on Wednesday and have been for months. She said earlier she didn't think that was safe, and I should call doctor. I did not overtly discuss that with him. We essentially said it's not a big deal for me to miss a little bit of work because my supervisor and position are pretty flexible. Which is how and why this job has been so good for me the last few months. My mom actually said I was ''too" up yesterday. I thought I was extremely depressed. She said I laughed at everything and thought everything was so funny. I did laugh a lot but I thought it was in context. I did start laughing in the waiting area, I just didn't have a good filter and found another patient amusing, when they weren't intending to be. I'm fine in so many ways. I really do feel I've been healed of anxiety, of suffering, etc. So I have no distress. Can you offer honest feedback. This is important to me that I travel, it's for a friend's wedding. I can understand some concern about airport, subway, etc. If I missed this I would be devastated and that's what I have been crying about.

I do not have the numbers. I did tell doctor about them and the healing.

I'm glad you were honest with your doctor. If you feel you are safe to travel then go. You know you best. Just please watching for worsening symptoms. I'm so glad you feel healed. Just in case take you anti-anxiety medication with you. Never know if something will trigger you. Might as well be prepared. I hope you have fun time at the wedding, and really enjoy yourself. Please be safe and let me know how you are doing. Peace

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I do not feel OK to go tomorrow. At all. If I am honest with myself. I was really really sick over the weekend and for weeks before that in a different way. My mom says would be unwise to go tomorrow, but may be possible if I get a lot better later in the week. I tried to drive earlier in a very low traffic area a block from me and I did not like it at all. I basically idled and it felt too fast and I rode the brake. No traffic at all so was safe. There is no way I can be on a plane tomorrow. I have been to the doctor's office and to a convenience store three blocks from my house since Friday, and no where else. The only person I've really talked to in person other than doctor is my mom on Sunday. And she told me today I was very unwell that day. And I would need to be much better to go at all. And definately not working this week, maybe next.

To clarify, the car thing is not anxiety related in any way. It is a time/space vibrational frequency thing. I was on a different plain for several or more weeks, and I do think my vibration shifted, changed, and improved. But now it's adjusting back to both my body and mind being in the same place. I'm not trying to be hippie dippie. That's not me at all, but this is how I experienced it.

I am getting better I can tell. It will take some time. I had really poor insight for awhile. I am relatively accepting of that though I still have a lot of this energy/time space/non-random stuff floating in my head sometimes. That I was healed of all past and future pain during the hypomanic stuff. I think it is real though. And that I may have also been on manic side of things but that doesn't mean it is not real. The numbers thing, I can not look at them, I do not understand them at all in the same way. I have sat out in my garden almost all day again today. I have eaten better today but still much less than is normal. I will keep working on that. This is going to be kind of slow. I've not had it like this before. At the same time I feel no suffering or pain, again as I perceive I was healed of all of that. This probably doesn't make any sense but regardless is good to express. Thx.

This was me with outdoor adventuring. One day I am casually paddling across a reservior and two weeks later across the ocean. I figured I was a world class adventurer - even National Geographic wanted to interview me I was convinced of. I did do some pretty amazing things in this chase for adventure and risky out door sports but I didn't want to believe that my exploits weren't extraordinary.

My other manic thinking was that my group of musician friends were the best thing going and that they were going to be discovered any day and become the most famous group ever - even better than the Beatles; and, because I hung out with them I would become famous too.

LOL. The things we do... how were your crashes?

I'm sorry you feel unwell. I hope this improves during the week and you are able to still go later. For me my crashes tended to lead to severe depression , and feelings of guilt over my behavior. Plus embarrassment at being so manic.

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How long till were 'normal'?

Well now that depends on what you mean by normal

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For me normal is being calm, happy, and peaceful. If I have any mania it's very mild, same with depression.

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This has been the most intense of either I've ever had. It has been 5 days I think since the change over. I slept almost 9 I think, that is awesome. I am not well when I look in mirror still but WAY better than a few days ago. I'm glad I did not end up in hospital. My preferred treatment locale was my garden and that's where I stayed. It is getting better. Will just take some time. Thank you all.

Keep getting rest

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Good job on the sleep. Sleep will help. Keep it up. I'm glad you are getting better but sorry you were struggling to make sense of things before. ((Hugs for wellness))

How are you doing today???

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I never asked what's your favorite game?. I play powerball with powerplay. You?.

I am getting better I feel more in touch. Am realizing some I was way out of touch, and also some hanging on to that because of the euphoria I kept having. I am not sad at all. I cry sometimes, less and less. It is sadness then I think of missing things and that my life stopped again for a week. And probably has a little more to go. I am not as good as I had hoped to be at this point but that is OK. I would like to go back to work next week but no one seems to be encouraging that even my boss. My mom politely without saying it said it was better than I not travel and I agree overall. I can't drive still, it's too fast for me. This is getting better but still. I haven't been to grocery yet but am thinking of trying tomorrow. I keep delaying when milestones will happen because they don't. I'm starting to get things together enough that I'm covering more bases. Eating, I showered today for first time in awhile, I had a friend over. I am a lot better but I think am still off. It is getting better just will take some time. I love numbers I'm talking like looking at accounts, spreadsheets etc. I have spreadsheets for every thing. Percentages are my jam. I can not look at them yet. I know from previous times when I can start looking at accounts, etc that I'm back together. I still feel like I'm in a different world than every one else. I am going to do good things today and go to bed earlier and hope for 10. MD told me I can add to a med if I want based on how I'm doing. So I am doing that tonight. I already partially did it for 2 nights. I want to say again that whatever I experienced was amazing and one of the greatest experiences in my life. If we call that euphoria, so be it. You'd think I went to the Pyramids or something like that. That's how it feels. The connection to the universe and the grandiosity that other's couldn't feel it. That I was breaking the powerball code. And in some respects I did really good with that. I can not look at it now. I do not want to think about it. I do not want to think about the energy in the walls and whether they attract or repel me, or both. The vibration of my cells changed rather abruptly over a week or two. And it severely slowed me down. Mentally and physically. I can type pretty good now and get my thoughts out but I can't explain things like this verbally. My affect is blunted or flat generally. I laugh a little more than what someone would sometimes. The laughing is way better. The eating is better. I'm having some social contact. I may not be able to go back to work next week. The last couple times I wanted to go back after week 1 and was also told no, then usually again after week 2. "You're still hypomanic" or "you're still not level". In a daily treatment program in what I'm referring to. I avoided it this time and actually think I was quite a bit sicker this time. Kind of way more but I'm not at a place to really process that yet. Now that the major part is over I can start doing the behavioral end of things. I know how to do that. This time, the 'can't do much of anything but wait it out' lasted longer. The extended period of high level hypomania for what I think was about 6 weeks straight, made the crash a lot worse. Very rough. I feel no pain though or suffering, I just know I'm recovering and healing. It is so crazy. The healing happened during the hypomania. Energy transfers and experiences, etc. The chosen feelings, etc. The genius feelings, etc. I remember feeling like I had mastered my life a few weeks ago. maybe I really have and as I come back from this I will truly be healed of bipolar. Meds, behavioral structure, sleep. There is no reason I can't heal and be better than before. In some hindsight, i was not well for weeks before this, I was just functioning enough. I miss a day of work every week for a month. I got up at 230 am out of the blue one day. I made some kind of amazing projects at work and did some great things. Then the numbers came, and took over every thing. With the periodic insights which had euphoria attached to them. Or the other way around. Thank-you for listening this was very healthy for me to get out. I've got to start doing more things now to return to normal and now I'm able to do it because the major part is over. Now the healing part, and I have a lot of control over that with behavior, structure, nutrition, social, sleep, etc. I know I can do it. My real goal is to cure it, in me and in others. And that's probably grandious but I like the goal anyway. I could write on and on. This has really helped me.

Im glad you are taking steps to feel better. Things do like you are progressing back to baseline normal. Take things easy this weekend, see where you are at in the middle of the week. Please dont go off your meds. There is currently no vure cure for bipolar disorder. Quite a few people start to feel better and think they are cured so they go off their meds. Thats when trouble starts. Please dont do that to yourself. Take care of yourself. You have my best wishes and prayers.

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