Lottery

Thank-you, I appreciate all of what you said.

There is a lot of healing that can take place over the weekend.

Within a week or two I will probably feel a lot better than what I thought was so good with the hypomania. Euthymia sounds very very boring but is much better than having a week (so far) disappear. Like it didn't happen. My life hit pause. I'm starting to un-pause it, but it's in real slow motion lol. Glad to make a joke.

What a good opportunity to create wellness with diet and exercise and sleep. I will stay on meds, I am not fighting them anymore.

I can do complete and adequate self-care, try to garden some, do something social at least for a little bit. Eat more and well, really well. At this point I think behavior dictates how I improve and I've shown before I can be pretty awesome at that.

Thank-you so much. I'm thankful to be getting better and still having lots of the "I am actually healed" stuff. I think partly I mean when I get better and am back to normal things. I really really want to start running as soon as possible, which may be in a few days. I'm not wobbly or dizzy etc it's a time space thing of movement being out of sync so I just need to let that come back on more fully, and it already has a lot.

Thanks. Will check-in Sunday so I can give a good update. I am going to work really hard and will have a good update.

There is improvement today. Can't be described really but is an improved clarity in thought. In 'wholeness'. ie. mind body coming back together. It is nice.

I immediately started thinking about going back to work this morning. I wrote up a whole plan. Then realized I'm probably still cycling from low grade up to low grade down, maybe with some bigger spikes (but smaller) than have been. This is good. lamictal is working. It's been 8 days I think, 9 maybe.

Risperdal is improving the executive functioning aspect. That too is up for 8-9 days and I had raised it on my own twice in the previous month. I think that helped me from this being worse actually. And it was kinda the most awful illness I've had. It's so confusing and bizarre yet amazing, etc.

I maintain the 'no suffering no pain' motto. This includes that my back is locked up presumably from risperdal. I took benadryl 3 times going back to last night, and I think it helped some. Tomorrow I will call and get cogentin. Way better for it but benadryl has anti-cholenergic properties so it's not a bad backup.

I am not really well yet. My therapist would say "You're not ready". My mom is visiting today. I do not want to, but will ask her clinical opinion, etc since she saw me really sick last week. (And told me a day or two later "you weren't safe" and "you will have to be much better to work or travel this week"). I think now I am just starting to get to the "getting much better" stage.

The truth is I need to be off this week and ease back in next. And the goal can be that I end up doing 1 or 2 four-hour days this week and bc of salary will count as full days. I started this job 2/29. I have some but not a ton of PTO and have probably used most of it by now. I think it's funny that this job started on a day that doesn't really exist. It's a catch-up, let's reset things, kind of day. '

And that's what it has been for me. This only proves the non-random theory. My life was reset on a special day that balances out time. I'm incredibly still into time/space stuff. I distract much of it. I did NOT look at powerball from last night and am not going to. I did not play either of course. I did set a possible date of 8/15 to look at it again, in a structured kind of hobby way. And see what all my notes were. There's a huge stack.

My therapist would say "you're still hypomanic" "you're not ready" (for work, etc)

So I'm not. It's alright. I'm going to be fine. And that is great.

Thanks. This helps me to clear out some things. You all are like tele-therapists! Sometimes when I've been well I've posted with others to help others. I'm sorry I'm kind of a "only need helped" and have no ability to help others right now. I need to focus on taking care of myself. My brain is just starting to come back on.

Continue to improve. I went out today and ran errands. Drove OK but not fond of it. As reflex, we look in rear view mirror a lot. That does not go well for me right now. It's a time space thing and when I look back in front even after that split second rear look it throws off my perception. So, slow driving, keep plenty of distance, and minimize driving period. And also, expect that it will get better daily, because it already it much better than when I tried on Thursday I think it was.

I slept about 8.

I had lunch with a former co-worker/friend. She was up front in saying I should consider adding another medication which I was kind of expecting based on our phone call the day before. She also said she'd go with me to MD, right now, and help change it. I said no, that I would consider though, and at a lower dose. I'm into the smallest theurpeutic dose.

I am getting better but I am not baseline. My boss/friend hasn't said anything to me about coming back to work. My lunch friend also said she'd take me to social security right now and I laughed and said no I'll be OK in a couple weeks. I understand what people are saying, but I would much rather have a short time off work and then return full-time. I had already planned on being off 4 of the days I missed (7) and had at least that much PTO. I am going to ask if I can work 4 hours in 2 hour increments, so twice, from home, on Wednesday. And would only do certain tasks, etc that we agreed on. I could do the same on Thursday and then come to office for 6 hours on Friday. 2 of those hours would be meetings on Friday. I want and need to go back asap.

If I'm honest I have some paranoia and am still into the numbers thing at times. I did work on it briefly but only theory-wise. I did look at last drawing, and PB was 25 which I'd been using at least 5 times every drawing. It's the most common in last year or so, which makes it easy, but is interesting to me that it came up when I stopped. It proves the theory, that I can do this, and it's all on/off binary code.

I'm glad you got more sleep. I think you really need to talk to your psychiatrist. I'm not so sure that you are just suffering from bipolar mania, but that maybe there is some ocd mixed in there. I'm bipolar 1, but I also suffer from ocd, and gad. Fixating on these numbers is what led you down the rabbit hole. Do you really want to continue to pursue this? I'm worried that you'll slip right back into where you were. I take an antipsychotic daily. No matter if I'm feeling great, which I am, or not. I'm bipolar. I'm always going to need medication to remain stable. I've seen quite a few people say they only take an antipsychotic prn (as needed) Why? I have no desire to ever have another manic episode. I like being stable. I truly hope you consider what I am saying, and know that it's because I care about what happens to you. Take care of yourself.

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Doing much better. Yesterday I felt normal so to speak. I think I'm slightly hypomanic but harmless and perhaps helpful. I have not been having depressive symptoms. I am productive at home, am socializing more (and in a hypomanic way after an episode). I notice my 'filter' is lower but I do have a little control. I'm more 'saying what's really on my mind rather than filtering it. I still have some. Ie. I almost told a friend his arms were really hot yesterday but I filtered it. He laughed at a lot of things I did say though and we had a great time. I have been meeting with my boss every other day. She kept saying 'let's go day to day' , until yesterday, and said "let's aim for next Wednesday or Thursday' which is the closest I've got to an answer on when I can go back. I am calling MD first thing Tuesda (holiday) and it's likely I will have improved more and he'll be fine releasing me from the message I leave.

A friend of mine recently said I should get SSDI. I do not want to. I undertand her saying that. I've been off work at least 5 times in the past 18 months, for at least 3 weeks a time. Plus many other 2-3 day misses. I am at a new job. I do have short-term disability but the long term is not active for 1 full year from hire. The short term is not aplicable to this episode because i have not been there 6 months yet. If I do in fact need disability, I think I need to make strong efforts upon my return, and re-establish a solid period of 4-6 months continually working. I just did 3.5 straight. I had some misses here and there related to bipolar symptoms, and in the month before I 'really' broke I was missing one day a week. I love my job. I think it's the best job I've ever have. Something I thought about though, is, if, I have trouble again this calendar year, I could potentially be ok with declaring, and then still trying to work at current company no-benefits 10 hours a week. I want to be stable and not just for 3 months. For years. I have lost 10s of thousands of dollars in the past 18 months in lost wages, medical expenses, etc.

Again, I am having marked improvements daily and it's great!!!!
I can drive. I'm eating meals. I'm socializing and having some fun as of yestreday.
I got really really sick over the course of a month and then fell off the cliff. It will continue improving. Thank-you for listening and best wishes to all.

I'm so glad to hear you continue to improve and may even go back to work soon. I think your work plan sounds logical. It's best to keep working if at all possible, especially since you like your job. Going down to 10 hours a week sounds good if your job will let you. I tried that with my old job, as it's all I felt I could handle but they wouldn't let me work that few.

Keep writing and posting. Everything sounds good. (((Hugs)))

Glad you are feeling much better

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Thank-you both. This board has been so helpful to me at times in need and I'm so greatful.

Elsa, are you currently working? I think you can make about 1100 a month and still be on disability. I want to do my best to stay full-time, and by doing that I have excellent structure, a good paycheck, etc. And I think the longer I work the highest the base SSDI would be. And together with working a very reduced schedule, I could not be rich by any means, but not be in poverty. I've worked real jobs since I was 19 and generally full-time except some in college.

So I'm going to do everything I can to go back full-time. And if I truly can not and it excerbates symptoms so much that I can't get and stay stable, I'm going with plan B. Knowing that I did everything I could.

If I am stable several years, I may even be able to return to full-time again. I do want to do more schooling but this is not the time. And may not be realistic. I am a Registered Nurse and the goal would be become a NP. Though at the moment I see no way I could do that job, even though for now I usually know what the doctor will say or do when I give report. It would be a dream job for me. If I'm stable and have demonstrated such for an extended period of time.

Thank you again.

Piano, I stopped working about 4-5 years ago. I lost my job due to physical illness and it was devistating. Emotionally devastating, financially, standard of living, the whole shabang. But my family and I have adjusted to some degree and I was awarded SSDI. I would really like to work part time, but I'm so sick more often than not that I wouldn't make a very reliable employee at current. I need to gain some physical health back and then I hope to return to the work force either full or part time, depending on capabilities. We need the money. I started working and never stopped at age 15. I feel it helped ground me as far as my bipolar went. When I was unwell, work kept me going. It wasn't a perfect place to work but I did love and appreciate my job (when I wasn't paranoid people were out to get me) and overall, the company was very good to me and understanding. I was also a very good employee most of the time.

I always wanted to go into healthcare and become an RN. My son spent a lot of time in the hospital when young and the nurses were angels. They made his stay more bareable while still working their butts off. I have great respect for what you do. I hope that someday you can be well enough to accomplish your goal of nurse practitioner. Hugs to you

The goal is going back full-time after appts with therapist and MD on 19th and 20th to clear me. I am using this time to settle and level. To change some habits (I drank too much coffee most days, which wasn't good for me in any way -- I'm on strictly tea now). Meditation and breathing work. I still maintain that when I was jumping up into mania (insignificant diagnostically) and then returning to high-grade hypo, I went into this other world of healing and connection with universal energy. I realize this may sound a little crazy and such. But it happened, and I am basically a Buddhist now that knows nothing about the religion lol. "It will be OK, no?" "Everything in its right place" "Have no fear, no suffering, no pain". Stuff like that. Is much more ingrained in my conscious now.
I am gardening a lot and using that as creative outlet. And for relaxation. I like when friends come over and see the newest things I've done. It's a very bipolar garden lol. And I gain great peace from being in it and molding it.

I have ran a few times and weather permitting aim for 3+ a week. Plus am doing some light weight training and other basic exercises, pushups, squats, etc.

I still have little to no appetite but what I do eat is nutritious and adequate.

I look forward to getting back to my work projects and collaborating with my team. It brings me great joy to work with them and the 3.5 months I've been there has been so great for me.

Re: the numbers, sometimes in the evening I think I get a little hypo and have the "I'm not going to go to bed tonight" buzz. I reality check it enough but last night was pretty strong and I still was up almost 2hr after taking meds but I'm pretty sure I feel asleep right away, and got 9+ total. This is great.

But re: the numbers, last evening I felt very intrigued by them and I DID NOT do anything with at all, look at anything, etc.

I can't right now. And it is OK, no?

I was really on to something and I'm fascinated by that. That it became a manic obsession and led to a nasty crash is another story. But I did not suffer, have been in no pain, and I did predict that during the peak. WOW. This is all kind of fascinating to me and I really am coming back into my own mind. It will still take some time. And that is OK, no? lol.

Thank-you all.

Hi piano! Things sound like they are going well. It all takes some time after an episode, but your thinking seems clear and your goals are very good and reasonable. Keep us posted and continue with all your good works. (((Hugs)))

Thanks! This is a time of and for healing.

Glad to hear you are doing well. You sound positive, that's great.

Doing well. Started running and working out. Eating A LOT better, I think partly just from several consecutive days of exercising. I'm pushing myself, but just a little out of comfort zone, and a little bit more each time. Slow and steady. I want this to be a big part of treatment again like it used to be before I got diagnosed. That WAS the treatment.

I haven't worked on numbers at all. Little to no interest in.

I'm off coffee (on tea), completely off line on current events/news (it doesn't seem to be good based on a few things I have heard. I've told all my friends but they still slip things out sometimes. I'm sure I would do the same, I used to talk about it a lot.

I did briefly adjust Klonopin and Risperdal down. Was thinking the storm is over, now the waters are smoother, so pull back a little. I've talked about it with my doctor several times, that after acute phase it's actually best to pull back, just a little, then maybe more if 3 months go smooth. And then find the sweet spot. I adjusted back up and decided a few months would actually be a lot wiser. This was only a few days.

So all in all, I'm doing great. I see doctor next Wednesday and am continuing to take time to heal and re-group. And reassemble body mind spirit and energies.

Thank you for your help. I'm glad I'm doing so much better.

So glad. You sound much better

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I have continued improving. I have a good exercise routine going for 13 days now (I'm tracking all of it on a spreadsheet). I'm able to socialize better. I cooked a meal (stove) twice in the last 3 days. I'm sleeping at least 7, up to 9. I'm med compliant. I saw therapist yesterday and MD today, we agreed I am fit to return to work and will do so tomorrow.

Thank-you all. I will update and let you know how things are going. I'm very hopeful to maintain stability and look forward to moving forward with my life.

I worked 8 hours. This is excellent. It was a lot of stimuli. I feel I can make it tomorrow then off weekend. Time to rest, gather myself, etc. Am glad I went back on a Thursday. Enough to get feet wet but if am overwhelmed a short enough week to make it through.

I'm going to go to bed early and go for a run when I wake up b4 work.

Thanks.

Sounding better and better

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Thank-you for all of your help.

I think this can be OK but I want to write it out and welcome any feedback.

Yesterday I got up before 6, was at work by 630 (8 is normal), and created a whole new policy and procedure on something. What I wrote was kind of awesome. Very articulate, detailed, etc. It's a formal policy now and I did it in less than a day, like in a few hours. I ended up doing a 10 hour day (6-8 is normal). I made my friend spit out her drink because I said something so funny during work. I was on a roll. I had a friend over last night and I talked most of the time and we had a great time. I was fun to be around yesterday. I also went too up too fast. I did take extra half mg risperdal last night. I slept about 8 hours. I felt kind of fogged today, not terribly but more and more as the day goes on. I feel exhausted in the last hour. I got to go in late and I left early. There were only a few things to do that were important today so I think it's fine. I do feel flat but at the same time since I've got home a few hours ago I had a lottery moment and realized a new layer to add that I hadn't before. It's actually two-fold. I can not do it, I didn't, etc. But the moment was there. The ah'ha moment. Earlier I also had some paranoia about some things but I'm not going to go into that. I also have been very hypersexual this evening while also exhausted but with having a huge wave of sexual energy. I am going to go to bed by 9 and sleep till 7 or more. It's like half of me is running a mile a minute, and the other half is frozen and slowed. It's weird. I did have a scheduled therapy session today and am doing weekly right now, it was good and helpful. We talked about these things and said it'll pass by tomorrow and be OK. I think it will though will acknowledge in the last few hours I've more progressively more disconnected overall. I really really should not be this tired. I slept plenty last night, even if I didn't enough the night before. And then there's the sexual energy part.

I really would like to do the lottery thing I know I can't though. And it doesn't matter because when I eventually do go back to it with healthy boundaries I will still have the insight I had from today.

I do hope tomorrow this is gone. It will be OK. Sleep heals many things. I should not feel this tired though but my mind is racing and I wouldn't lay down right now. I can take meds soon and then within an hour I'll be out.

I have slowed down more even since I wrote that. My mind is still racing. This is not good. Will be OK. I am slow to even type now. i have thoughts. i' have pscyhomotor retardation some and it's going to be alright. I can kind of snap out of it for a minute. For a second really. I do not feel connected. I am going to bed soon but I'm still racing and fighting it at same time. I did not feel like this a couple hours ago. I have taken my medications and will. I have seriously slown down. This has been several minutes of typing or more.

The sexual thing is over as a side note. I think it's cool that I can still write and express myself. I am out of sync. It will be OK.

I slept over 8hr and feel significantly better so far. I do feel kind of slow or groggy but it is NOT like last evening. This is good.