[Wander]

At work on break. It took me massive doses of Clonazepam and Abilify to get the courage to go to work. It is so busy I feel like I'm drowning. My mind can't focus but I have to do I can get each customer what they want. I work in a printing section of a retail outlet so have a varied job. This helps but I am forgetting things and making mistakes. Meds have calmed me but my thoughts still race and I get disoriented. Hopefully no one will notice. Four hours to go. I can make it. I have to.

Yesterday I thought I was feeling better but today I am feeling worse again. Need to shake this mixed state. Hopefully the med increase I started Thursday will take full effect soon and bring me out of this agitated, restless hell. My mind is odd too. Reality is odd. Very disconcerting.

[Naynay99]

Hey. sorry if i am spamming the board a little. So it took me 2 hours after i made the decision to go to quick check to actually leave the house. But i did get cat food so at least my boys wont hate me. I still need to clean their litter box, one thing at a time...

so some signs i may have given up:
1. i wore sweatpants to work yesterday...have no clean laundry.
2. my cat puked on the bed yesterday and i just put a towel over it instead of changing the sheets. i mean it wasnt on the side of the bed i sleep on but still!
3. today my cat started drinking out of my water glass and i just watched, and when he was done instead of getting up to get a new drink i just drank from that glass.
4. i am writing in lowercase letters right now because the shift key seems exhausting (i only have 1- the other fell off. i am using my 17 yo mac ibook computer bc my iphone has been annoying me and i cant use my new fancy work laptop or work ipad as i am sure they track that **** to see what you are up to...)
5. i am making brownies, mostly just bc i wanted some brownie batter.

[Naynay99]

last message, i promise-
i looked at the clock a while ago and i couldnt believe another hour went by without me even noticing it fly by. am i really that out of it? but i just realized thats because it didnt actually happen. damn daylights savings!!!! lol.
my tv and phone sprung forward without me. happy daylights saving.

[scatterbrained04]

Originally Posted by Naynay99

last message, i promise-
i looked at the clock a while ago and i couldnt believe another hour went by without me even noticing it fly by. am i really that out of it? but i just realized thats because it didnt actually happen. damn daylights savings!!!! lol.
my tv and phone sprung forward without me. happy daylights saving.

That daylight savings will get you! I remember once my phone switched to another time zone altogether for no reason. Thought I was going nuts.

[hopeless2015]

I frrl a lazy day coming on. This time change always throws me off. It's already 11 am for goodness sake. I did just start a load of laundry. The whole house needs cleaned so I really need to find some ambition somewhere, I really don't want to start another week with a messy house AGAIN

[Naynay99]

I want to actually not be embarrassed at my lack of functioning today. Yesterday was bad- I felt a combination of misery and agitation and wanting to sleep forever.

I know this is the depression talking but reading peoples posts on here lately and all these grand things that they have already done today is just making me feel worse. I can't even get myself to put on real pants and here are people cleaning houses and working out and cooking food network worthy meals.
And then I feel guilty for not feeling happier for them that they are actually doing well. Because that's messed up. I should be genuinely happy that other people are kicking this mood disorder's arse. And I feel like a self centered ahole who can't stop focusing on myself and my problems. I suck. Sorry if I am better at the taking than the giving part of this whole support network.

May today be a good day. And sorry for all the random posts.

[RainyDay107]

Feeling well. I got a great night's sleep. My current life stressors haven't gone away - but I feel more grounded today.

I'm even going out tonight...I am nearly agoraphobic. Having date night and going to the movies to see Split.

[RainyDay107]

Originally Posted by Naynay99

last message, i promise-
i looked at the clock a while ago and i couldnt believe another hour went by without me even noticing it fly by. am i really that out of it? but i just realized thats because it didnt actually happen. damn daylights savings!!!! lol.
my tv and phone sprung forward without me. happy daylights saving.

I think you should post as much as you want! I am having functioning problems, too. Thinking of you. I'm really pressing myself to shower every day. And make my bed. Of course, I'm still not out of bed, yikes. Do what you can, maybe one thing and rest.

I relate to what you're saying feeling out of it and time passing like that, unnoticed. You reminded me to change my clocks, thank you, lol.

I hope you feel better soon...I'll keep an eye out for your posts.

[RainyDay107]

It's these little moments that I feel such a privilege to be a part of. Then two days later that warm fuzzy feeling is gone and I'm back to my miserable life that I want to leave badly. I'm just so.....I don't even know....

Gina, I relate so much to this...having hard times and getting little slices of good moments or even a few days. Gratitude keeps me going.

You sound like a great aunt. I spent quality time with my aunt and uncle as a child. I have so many memories...just spending time with them. It wasn't going to expensive places or shopping...it was that one-on-one time. Your nephews will cherish it, I still do and loved my aunt/uncle very much.

I hope your day is relatively OK, hang in there and keep us posted.

[Unrigged64072835]

Wasted this day. Went to church, came home, and slept all afternoon. Still feel tired and need to make dinner soon. I didn't think I would sleep so long, but once my head hit the pillow I was gone. At least I put clothes away this morning, so that's something.

Mood is down a little. Maybe I just needed the rest. People in the house are coming down with colds.

[xRavenx]

Someone I have been in a casual dating type of relationship with called me last night. We were thinking about going out, but we looked at the clock, and it was too late to really go anywhere, so we decided on the next day. Today came, and we are both under the weather, so it didn't work out....also it is absolutely freezing. I was looking forward to it since life has been kind of mundane, but things happen. We will get a big snow storm Monday night into Tuesday, so I'll be off of work. I just need Spring to come already!

[gina_re]

Thank you glamslam, that's a perspective I've never really thought of. I'm also excited that the youngest one now gives me a smile when I walk through the door. Something that was previously only allowed for his mother. But according to the older one, since she started wearing glasses, we look very similar. Ha!

I woke up this morning with the intention of getting stuff done around here. I took the chicken out of the freezer to cook dinner. After eating breakfast, I started my weekly manicure. I have to change my nail color every week to feel like I'm doing at least something, and it makes me feel girly (because otherwise I'm not). After finishing I laid on the couch to watch tv. Woke up several hours later and I wasn't feeling too great. I'm now in a **** it mood. So now I'm in bed and contemplating ordering pizza. Who cares if I waste more money. I don't feel like doing anything and my anxiety is getting up there. I've also made up my mind to not go to work tomorrow with the anticipation that the snow will be bad enough that I don't have to go to work on Tuesday. We'll see how I feel at 5a.m.

[Wander]

Sleeping heaps. Mood is dropping am I am feeling suicidal.

[Naynay99]

Well this day didn't get any better.
I slept a lot. Just woke up- I remember A weird dream I was having where I was taking some literature.class and we were reading some book, while riding around on horses! Or maybe it was pigs? Idk. Very Weird. Lol. But more enetertsining than my life is i suppose.

So I am done with the freaking the fck out and allowing myself to follow the bad instincts of my depressed brain, to stay in bed and ruminate about my misery and crap. So. I am going to work tomorrow if it kills me. And I am going to take a bath (standing up in the shower is too exhausting a prospect). Then make an English muffin, so I don't eat brownies for dinner. And then do my lesson plans and then go to bed and then wake up and suck it up and pretend to be among the living.

[ByMySide]

Not feeling well, at all. I feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin. I want to hit something, cry and run away all at the same time. My head feels like it's moving too fast for me to slow it down and understand what's really going on. I've slept almost continuously for the past two days, and now I'm wide awake.

My bipolar sibling called today and was spouting a flight of "new" ideas (which aren't new because we've been there and done that many, many times but I didn't point this out). I was feeling irritated after the phone call because I really can't deal with everyone's problems all at once. Especially when it feels like my own head might implode at any point. I don't know if conversations can trigger mood swings, but it certainly felt that way.

[RainyDay107]

Originally Posted by glamslam

Feeling well. I got a great night's sleep. My current life stressors haven't gone away - but I feel more grounded today.

I'm even going out tonight...I am nearly agoraphobic. Having date night and going to the movies to see Split.

Well, my day spiraled and I've cycled into a mixed episode...this is h@ll.

I hate how today feels so summary.

summer makes me feel just ugg

[Naynay99]

Well I made it to work.
Slept kind of crap but I did sleep all weekend so that could be why.
Not feeling so hot. I am being noticeably quiet around my coworkers. It's like somebody turned the volume button down. I need to pretend to be normal.
But overall I think I will be make it thru the day ok.

[hopeless2015]

Made it to the gym and in to work. I have cols chills and an achy body now....now what. I don't feel like being sick right now. We have snow which is a little depressing to me. I'm trying to shake this off, I've been doing really good lately! I refuse to go down right now!

[gina_re]

That time change did screw me over. So I did in fact not go to work today. Just finished breakfast and I'm back in bed.

[Lifeischallenging]

So, time for me to check in. Hey all, they upped my dose on lithium. I'm also taking meds for anxiety now as well. I was going to call on my physical therapy as well. Well, bye for now.

[xRavenx]

Today, I had an appointment with my Therapist. I felt I was going around in circles, and at one point, she just looked at me with a very confused face when I stopped talking for a moment, before I began to talk again. Later on, she was able to help with a thing or two, but I kind of left feeling unsure about how beneficial it was (especially given $40 per session, which I will not be able to afford to pay for that much longer).

Other than that, just trying to cope with my mood swings, but tomorrow is good that I'll have a day off because of snow. I am hoping I won't keep having those crying spells (knock on wood). I need a break.

[Naynay99]

So I'm on my way to get some food and stuff betore the storm.
Feeling overall so so. Work was okay. The kids always make me smile.
I have been very fidgety lately which isn't usually me when down. Maybe it's anxiety or something? Idk. Was thinking maybe I need a spinner ring or something to occupy my hands with so I stop ruining paperclips!

Anyhow I just wanted to thank everybody for making me feel a little less misery this weekend. I really do appreciate this place. Thanks.
Be safe all.

[Wild Coyote]

Awoke this morning with a very deep, very painful cough. Came on so suddenly. It feels like the beginning of a very nasty chest cold.
Truly do not need this right now.

Very depressed. Then vomiting Sat. and Sun. from low-dose chemo drug used to fight autoimmune disease. I hope this chest cold(?) runs its course quickly.

Am struggling just to get things together for the household for dinner, something I can roast in the oven, unattended.

Uggh-

On a better note, much love to all!


WC

[Unrigged64072835]

Went to T this morning. Decided to now go every two weeks instead of every week. I've run out of stuff to talk about, and the things I need to work on have to be done outside of his office.

Tried to nap but couldn't. Still having anxiety. At least I got a load of laundry done and wrote another poem. I don't know when I'll hear from my friend again so I'm just working on the Web site on my own.

Dinner is in the crock pot and should be done soon.