[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

My concentration has been really bad today. I feel so useless. Have an appointment with pdoc soon, and I'm nervous I'll end up not saying what I need to.

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I'm glad you have an appointment with your pdoc soon. You've really been struggling. What if you wrote down thoughts and questions as they come to you and take that to your appointment? Best wishes.

Originally Posted by Faltering

I've been holding up lately even though completing every little task has been a struggle. I started to regress today. It is so difficult to focus at work. I can't sit there for hours on end like I used to. I keep listening to co-workers' conversations, worried they're talking about me and conspiring to get me fired. I even checked my office for cameras today. Now I dread tomorrow. I just want my self-control back.

I guess I'm not quite sure how your fears about what your coworkers say has anything to do with self-control or a lack thereof. I know I personally fail at this miserably and do not do it consistently enough, but have you done the validation checks to differentiate what is real and what is being created in your mind? Are you actually hearing the conversations themselves or can you only tell that your coworkers are talking and not sure about who or what it is?

[vjdragonfly]

I'm struggling hard today. Wishing I didn't have to go on anymore. When does the suffering end? I'm just not functioning well right now.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by vjdragonfly

I'm struggling hard today. Wishing I didn't have to go on anymore. When does the suffering end? I'm just not functioning well right now.

I'm sorry you are struggling so hard. I know sometimes it's absolutely brutal. Are you seeing a therapist or pdoc anytime soon so you can get some relief? If it gets too bad I think I mentioned texting 741 741 and typing hello. It's an unobtrusive crisis intervention line. It's really helped me in the past. I hope you feel better soon. Thinking of you.

[scatterbrained04]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I'm glad you have an appointment with your pdoc soon. You've really been struggling. What if you wrote down thoughts and questions as they come to you and take that to your appointment? Best wishes.

That would take too much foresight lol Is it wrong that I'm considering having a glass of wine beforehand? It's over the phone (so no driving involved). Might help calm the nerves.

[vjdragonfly]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I'm sorry you are struggling so hard. I know sometimes it's absolutely brutal. Are you seeing a therapist or pdoc anytime soon so you can get some relief? If it gets too bad I think I mentioned texting 741 741 and typing hello. It's an unobtrusive crisis intervention line. It's really helped me in the past. I hope you feel better soon. Thinking of you.

Thank you, I do see my Pdoc next Tuesday but it feels so far away.

[Moose72]

Saw my case manager at pdoc's office today. Lots of stuff on the horizon to deal with.

I'm getting my inr checked right now when N2 is having her warts frozen again.

I am well and stable. Making a plan to return to work in October.

[Faltering]

Originally Posted by neodk

I guess I'm not quite sure how your fears about what your coworkers say has anything to do with self-control or a lack thereof. I know I personally fail at this miserably and do not do it consistently enough, but have you done the validation checks to differentiate what is real and what is being created in your mind? Are you actually hearing the conversations themselves or can you only tell that your coworkers are talking and not sure about who or what it is?

The self-control and paranoia are different entities. I guess I was just expressing concern about both. Right now I feel like it's hard for me to control myself like I used to.

I do validation checks, yes. I'm usually a logical person. I'm hearing the conversations and interpreting them to be about me, though there is no evidence. The medication was helping with these thoughts.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

That would take too much foresight lol Is it wrong that I'm considering having a glass of wine beforehand? It's over the phone (so no driving involved). Might help calm the nerves.

I personally see nothing wrong with that. Good luck.

[Moose72]

Heard a family in the waiting room next to me while I was waiting to get my INR/blood poke done talking politics and doom and gloom. I couldn't get away. Luckily, they switched the topic. Ugh.

[Sunflower123]

I know we've talked about this before. I am very sensitive true. You've explained it to me before that it's normal but I'm just not built that way. I can't just be a whipping boy and be the focus of hateful behavior, speech, and body language when I've done the most to support, encourage and love. It chews me up inside and really triggers negative feelings. I'm getting wary of which version of this person I'll encounter each time we have an interaction. I'm getting whiplash. I am assertive but that doesn't stop the behavior. Each time they are under stress or something goes wrong they take it out on me.

My therapist says to just walk away when this happens. I can't turn my back on them like that. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent and get some of the hurt out.

[Unrigged64072835]

Got another part of homework done for the class. Have to wait on other student's comments before I'm done.

Anxiety came up while I was at the pdoc, along with an increase in facial movements. She decreased my Latuda and increased the Artane. Now if the pharmacy will fill it...

Mood has been also anxious because of the schoolwork. I feel like bailing out but I'm doing okay so far.

[Moose72]

Jennifer I totally agree with you! You can't be a whipping boy and let them take it out on you.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Fharraige

Got another part of homework done for the class. Have to wait on other student's comments before I'm done.

Anxiety came up while I was at the pdoc, along with an increase in facial movements. She decreased my Latuda and increased the Artane. Now if the pharmacy will fill it...

Mood has been also anxious because of the schoolwork. I feel like bailing out but I'm doing okay so far.

I bet you'll do okay!

[Moose72]

I just ate two pieces of pizza. N2 said, "I thought you didn't EAT carbs?!" Puh. That's all there is in the house.

[jacky8807]

I just saw a tiny inch worm duking it out with one of those itty bitty caterpillars. Haha freaking hilarious
There are worlds inside worlds inside worlds

the universe is pretty cool

[gina_re]

My boss called to check on me this morning. I didn't answer, but that's what her voice mail indicated.
I managed to get myself to the pharmacy to pick up the risperdal, let's see how this goes. Because right now, being asleep is all I look forward to.
I finally got the dishes in the dishwasher so I can stop washing a dish or utensil at a time to eat. Hooray.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by gina_re

My boss called to check on me this morning. I didn't answer, but that's what her voice mail indicated.
I managed to get myself to the pharmacy to pick up the risperdal, let's see how this goes. Because right now, being asleep is all I look forward to.
I finally got the dishes in the dishwasher so I can stop washing a dish or utensil at a time to eat. Hooray.

Getting out to the pharmacy and loading the dishwasher are big accomplishments considering the way you're feeling. Hope the medicine works.

[Standup2me]

To our friends in Manchester
Our prayers are with you
We pray for peace

[scatterbrained04]

Raised trileptal. Also jinxed myself saying I sleep ok. Woke up at 2:30am and couldn't go back asleep. Oh joy. Hope it's just a one time deal.

[Moose72]

Power went out around 1245 last night. I called the power company. They sent someone out and gave me a fixed time of 1-3. I can't sleep without my CPAP so I just used my phone battery to get online. Ten minutes later the lights and fan come back on! That's the fastest fix ever. And I got a text saying it was an equipment failure but it's fixed now.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by jacky8807

I just saw a tiny inch worm duking it out with one of those itty bitty caterpillars. Haha freaking hilarious
There are worlds inside worlds inside worlds

the universe is pretty cool

To them it was probably a fight to the death.

You must have good eyes, by the way!

[Wander]

Saw my pdoc and T today. I have been very depressed the last week and mildly before that. My pdoc saw me for 10 minutes and asked me to lower my Lithium as it is very high. He said some of the flatness could be due to the Lithium. If that doesn't work he wants me to increase my fluoxetine (Prozac). Last time it was increased I went into a agitated manic state so I questioned that but he thinks that because I am purely depressed this time (I was in a mixed state when it was increased last time) I shouldn't have the same reaction. I felt he wasn't taking my depression seriously and was in a rush.

My T (who can prescribe meds in the USA but not here) said he didn't understand the Lithium idea, it would help some but not alleviate the depression. He also thinks I should increase the fluoxetine immediately, especially as if I wait and increase it on the weekend I have less support should something go wrong. Had a great chat to my T who encouraged me immensely.

He can see I am deeply depressed and says that going from one severe psychotic episode to a small break then a severe mixed episode, both lasting more than 2 months each has worn me down and it will take months to recover even if I don't have an episode. He said I am doing amazing to keep studying and that I should not go back to work until I feel stronger as last Sunday clearly showed as I had to leave work early due to being overwhelmed.

And yes, i am totally overwhelmed by life and everything. I have SI and feel like I am drowning as I am close to panic most of the time. I don't know how I going to get through the last 3 weeks of semester. I always seem to get through but this is different. Bipolar has crushed me so I am extremely fragile. When will this end? I go from episode to a small break(month or two) then another episode, and major episodes too. I feel hopeless. I will keep fighting but I don't know if I can win this one.

[bizi]

hi wander sorry you have been going thru such difficult times. I hope you have communicated with your professors about your challenges, perhaps they will give you more time to test/prepare papers etc.
Good uck with your goals, baby steps every day.
Lithium does nothing for depression.
bizi