Feeling powerless

Though I am no longer delusional or whatever tf was going on two weeks ago, I am still in the grips of a moderate to severe depression. I still can’t work. I’m sleeping as much as possible and smoking way too much. I’m comfort eating, but that’s only because zyprexa and depakote increase my appetite. Otherwise I wouldn’t be eating much. I’m functioning better than before IP but still can only work on small goals. I’ve withdrawn from my grad school class and probably won’t register for next semester and just let my certificate expire.

I was at php today and one group was “IMR Recovery strategies” (not sure what imr means). The group leader said it was about coming up wth a plan to avoid the hospital and how you can stay well without needing IP. I felt like SUCH a failure. I tried everything, everything I could think of to stay home. I did DBT skills, I asked my t and my family for extra help, everything. But it wasn’t enough. I feel so damn powerless over my episodes. I keep thinking there must be a way, there must be something I’m not doing right, something to keep this from happening over and over and over again. But I can’t think of anything.

My therapist at php wants me to do DBT again. For some reason every professional thinks this is a cure all. I’ve done A full DBT course...ended up delusional/manic, stitches, hospital. Since then I’ve done the partial I’m in now like five times and they do an hour of DBT three times a week, DBT light I guess you would call it. I use the distress tolerance skills fairly often but can’t wrap my mind around some of the rest of it. They all seem to think it will cure me though. I’m not doing DBT again. I need someplace I can talk and process, DBT doesn’t do that.

But I do wish I could figure out how to control my episodes. I’m so tired of hospital and ECT. I just want to cry right now because I see no other option and I can’t do this for another thirty to fifty years, I just can’t. I don’t want to live like this. Once my son has his own family I might just go gently into that good night...

I know about food sleep hygiene, healthy eating, exercise, etcetera. None of it seems to work to prevent and/or lessen an episode. Seems I can only wait for it to pass. And Things deteriorate so quickly, within days.

I don’t know really what I’m trying to say sorry.

I’m sorry WildFlowerChild, I’m deeply, deeply sorry......I hope things will improve soon.

I believe that DBT can help with life skills and personality stuff but it's not a magic cure for bipolar extremes. This is not your fault wildflower do not let the depression fool you into accepting the blame. You did do what you could to stay out of ip. Give yourself credit for staying safe as long as you did and seeking help when you did.

Could you ask for extra Zyprexa as a prn? I'm on 5 mgs, but I have extra for a prn if things start going rough. It's kept me out of the hospital for 3 yrs so far.

I’m so sorry you are struggling wildflower. Much like you, I’ve felt that I just can’t do this again and again for 30+ years and that I would commit to getting my child through high school before slipping away. She needs me now more than ever and I believe the same will always be true of your son.

Maybe a med adjustment would help with the depression? Thinking of you.

Perhaps it is your job that is causing you to be so unstable.

(((((((((wildflowerchild))))))))) You're being so hard on yourself(!)
Not your fault. You were properly proactive. Nothing to feel ashamed over.

I’m slightly worse today in terms of depression. I see the program pdoc next Tuesday and my therapist sometime next week. I just saw her yesterday but all we did was the initial evaluation. Next week we will do treatment plan.

I don’t know if meds will help is the thing. When I get like this it seems No meds can touch it. I can increase Wellbutrin. But that hasn’t helped In the past. I’ve only been on the increased depakote for a few days so maybe if I give it Time it will help.

I’m giving myself one small thing to do a day. If I can do that one thing I can mope for the rest of the day. Like yesterday it was to cook a real dinner. Today I must take a shower. I made it to php too. I really just wanted to go back to bed.

I don’t want to do ECT again, I really don’t

Depression lasted until 11/16. On 11/16 I was too depressed to even go to group. And then on 11/17 - complete switch flip yet again! I felt perfectly fine. I’ve been perfectly fine through the whole weekend, although I did sleep a lot yesterday but I think that’s the meds making me tired. Today I’m in php again and I feel like such a fraud, like I don’t need to be here and I should be at work with everyone else. I’m considering quitting program next week at the end of the week bc really, I don’t need it if I’m feeling fine. It’s a waste of time and money. But I’m sure my program T won’t hear of it.

I’m trying to stay in the moment and not get caught up in thinking about when the next episode will strike. Because maybe it won’t, maybe I’m finally on the right meds and I can relax.

I don’t know. I wish my episodes were less random and I could figure out some trigger. Like what happened that I went from savage depression to completely fine and how can I harness the power?

For some of us there are no triggers...it really is Radom. While you're up and feeling good you can probably share a lot of experience and Wisedom with others in the program. I stick to the plan that you made regarding PHP and IOP.

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way. Please don’t feel like a failure. You have an illness, it’s not your fault. But I understand the helpless feeling that comes along with episodes. Big hugs and I hope you’re feeling better soon.

((((((((( Wild)))))))))

You can handle this, your stronger than you realize !

So...felt stable for a week, dropped zyprexa down to five mgs from ten, immediately started getting depressed. It has gone steadily downhill over the last five days, today I am one step up from the absolute bottom. I have managed to do all the laundry today (but not fold or put away) but that’s the extent of it. Stayed on couch/slept most of the day. Planned to go shopping and make dinner but couldn’t manage to do it so me and my son went out.

Only passive self harm/sui thoughts so that’s how I know I’m not rock bottom. No energy to do anything.

I’m my desperation to find a trigger or some way to stop this ****ing roller coaster I think it MAY have been brought on by Thanksgiving. I really missed my husband this year because I really ****ing need his help and I need someone to love me and hold me and I’ve got no one and he’s such a ****ing asshole for taking drugs.

I won’t see pdoc again until next Tuesday. I will see my program therapist this week but she’s useless. She wants to blame it all on my menstrual cycle. She wants to put me in DBT. I just want to quit and go back to my regular t, she gets me.

My head feels full of cement again :-/

Can you call for an earlier appointment? or just as the nurse to go back up to 10 mg?

I am so sorry. It is so horrible when you feel like you are doing everything you can, and it's not working. You just want to feel better, but you don't even know what "better" is anymore because you're just waiting for the next mood swing. It's frustrating to feel this way. And I wish I knew what to say to make it better. But I do understand. Just try to hang in there and know you have a lot of people who care about you.

I’m ready to throw in the towel. Just succumb to this blackness. I don’t feel like I have the energy to fight anymore. I have to fight though; if not for myself then for my son. He deserves a real mother. A good mother. Right now I’m not a good mother. I’m not a good anything.

I need some strength. I’m spent.

Wildflowerchild, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through an incredibly tough experience.

The mercurial nature of bipolar disorder is absolutely discombobulating. Up until a couple of years ago, I'd always analyze and over examine as many events as I could remember prior to the occurrence of a depressive episode(strange that I never or rather don't recall doing that for hypomanic episodes). But, in 2015 I had a manager who'd somehow found out about my illness. One day he was talking to me about his own experience; he confided in me that he too had bipolar disorder. He told me how for the longest time he'd self-induce or exacerbate anxiety which would feed his depression when he'd try to determine what trigger brought about a depressive episode. Then, one day he realized that it was typically totally out of his control.

I recognize that there may be a triggering event or events that result in a depressive episode. For me, most of the time it's stress. But some times it's random and out of the blue. For example, the start of a three year bout with severe depression began in the summer following my most successful academic semester. I had no reason to be depressed. But, I found myself barely holding on for three years.

All that being said, I think there are events that we are cognizant of and there are events that only our unconscious is "aware" of. And that background biochemical response to either internal or external stimuli can result in a depressive episode.

All we can do is rage against the dying of the light.