[dsmith]

Originally Posted by 99fairies

I've already had 4 panic attacks this morning. Thought I was having a heart attack. I took diazepam and some zyprexa...just waiting for them to kick in.

Hope you feel better. I know that feeling of a heart attack, and it can be really tough to deal with.

[jmariah001]

I feel confused right now. I was told yesterday that my Uncle passed away. Although I wasn't real close to him I'm not sure how I am suppose to feel. He was only 49. A year older than my husband. Friday is the calling hours and funeral. I don't know if it's the medicine that has me feeling sort of numb or if I just wasn't close enough to him to really affect me that much. I feel bad for my grandma and my dad. Part of me will miss him. He was always real nice to me when I did see him. Also what bothers me is the fact he was so young. For some reason his organs were failing. He had pneumonia real bad to. So I'm just confused right now.

[Nammu]

Well damn and double damn.....took mum to her appointment at the clinic and just as I pulled up to the door to drop her off my car starts acting wonky! I pulled into a parking spot and crossed my fingers that I can get home. We did but the damn car starts flashing fix engine lights at me and I'm cursing the car for flashing me...just what I need. I don't have the money ney to get a new car! Can't get a loan cause of past credit ( thanks BP) thank god mums car is working but it's older than mine, 21 years old. Mum has a perfectly good folding table for the holidays but insisted on going to every store in town to look at the new folding tables but doesn't buy anything. Every store is practically over flowing with shoppers, not what I was in the mood to deal with. My plan for today was to go to see Star Wars the last Jedi. I like going to the afternoon shows cause I basically get the whole theater to myself.

[Tucson]

I went on my first interview. This was with a head hunting outfit that will work to find me jobs. I am hoping to get back into computers. I am very nervous. My mind is not as quick as it used to be. I get confused easily. Hopefully that will change when I go back more to a life that works for me with a good job. It looks like I have good people helping me. I am very fortunate about this. Maybe they can pay for classes that I would need to take to help me re-enter the job market.

A next door neighbor has emotional problems. I have spent allot of money on him so we could do things together. I do like making a difference in some people’s life. He once again stiffed be on the restaurant bill. This time he had planned it out. He is the type of person that if he wants something, he rationalizes to himself that it is owed to him, so he will end up taking it himself. He then manipulates the situation to get what he wants. This time he told me that he will pay it back. When I took him home, he told me that he did not have the money, which is not true. I went back to my place across the street. I them found him banging on my door, ringing the door bell like a wild man. I opened the door and he push himself into my face saying basically I owe it to him since his mother has helped me in the past. He screamed at me trying to physically intimidate me. Then he went away. This left me upset and scared. A terrible experience for me.

[Guiness187055]

Originally Posted by Tucson

I went on my first interview. This was with a head hunting outfit that will work to find me jobs. I am hoping to get back into computers. I am very nervous. My mind is not as quick as it used to be. I get confused easily. Hopefully that will change when I go back more to a life that works for me with a good job. It looks like I have good people helping me. I am very fortunate about this. Maybe they can pay for classes that I would need to take to help me re-enter the job market.

A next door neighbor has emotional problems. I have spent allot of money on him so we could do things together. I do like making a difference in some people’s life. He once again stiffed be on the restaurant bill. This time he had planned it out. He is the type of person that if he wants something, he rationalizes to himself that it is owed to him, so he will end up taking it himself. He then manipulates the situation to get what he wants. This time he told me that he will pay it back. When I took him home, he told me that he did not have the money, which is not true. I went back to my place across the street. I them found him banging on my door, ringing the door bell like a wild man. I opened the door and he push himself into my face saying basically I owe it to him since his mother has helped me in the past. He screamed at me trying to physically intimidate me. Then he went away. This left me upset and scared. A terrible experience for me.

You need to find a way to get this guy out of your life. It's not worth the stress.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by jmariah001

I feel confused right now. I was told yesterday that my Uncle passed away. Although I wasn't real close to him I'm not sure how I am suppose to feel. He was only 49. A year older than my husband. Friday is the calling hours and funeral. I don't know if it's the medicine that has me feeling sort of numb or if I just wasn't close enough to him to really affect me that much. I feel bad for my grandma and my dad. Part of me will miss him. He was always real nice to me when I did see him. Also what bothers me is the fact he was so young. For some reason his organs were failing. He had pneumonia real bad to. So I'm just confused right now.

I am so sorry about your loss. It is natural for you to feel the way you do. Grief is a roller coaster, and there's no right or wrong way to feel. 49 is young. You have support here.

[Tucson]

Originally Posted by Guiness187055

You need to find a way to get this guy out of your life. It's not worth the stress.

Yes. I do not want to deal with him again. I have been going over there visiting his mother because she has helped me in the past. However, this means that I have to deal with him. He is an older man who,lives with his mother who has been taking care of him financially and otherwise, like helping him make decisions in life. His mother thinks there is nothing wrong with him. Anyway, now I will go there no longer. I just do not know what I am going to say to his mother.

[jacky8807]

I have the same song stuck on repeat in my head for the past two days, slicing through the rest of my lovely thoughts. If this song does not go away soon it will surely be the end of me.

[251turnaround]

It's 3 AM and I'm still wide awake even after taking a large dose of trazodone. This hypomania is kicking my butt. I feel really good at least, but it's a dark kind of happy if that makes sense. I feel like I'm beginning to lose it.

[emgreen]

Sorry you're dealing with the BS from your neighbor. Doesn't seem you need complications like that in your life, Tuscon.

I'm feeling very poorly today. The depression is eating me up from the inside. If there's a glimmer of hope having BP, it's a vague knowledgement that things will turn eventually. I just have to get through these rough patches. About two months ago I had all kinds of energy, but I just sleep a lot lately. Also, I know they're just thoughts, but I keep having the urge to slit my wrists. Just thoughts, but they're thoughts I don't dare bring up with my T or pdoc. It's a hell of a lot easier to treat the mania than it is depression, IMO.

[bpforever1]

I was doing ok until I found out my online man slipped on the ice and fell. I am not sure he can come. I told him to go to the doctor and make sure he does not have a fracture. He may be able to come still, but I don't know. I will hope for the best. If he can't come, I will understand.

This sums it up -- Thanks Barenaked Ladies!

"I wake up scared, I wake up strange,
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever gonna change.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange,
and everything around me stays the same..."

[99fairies]

My kids and I got up very early today, but that's okay, we went to bed early as well. Not sure how dh is today. If he's not any better, I might have to take him to the hospital.

[Moreta]

My patience level is low and the need to yell at people is high. I transferred one of my prescriptions to CVS because Rite Aid couldn't get it in and the wires must've gotten crossed and CVS got that I only take 2 pills a day instead of 4. ffs. I have 5 days left of the medication and I leave for FL on Saturday and don't want to be without my medication while visiting my inlaws like I was 2 years ago. GAH. CVS called so I hope they can figure themselves out. Waiting to hear back now.

[251turnaround]

Checking in again!

I managed 40 minutes of sleep last night and I'm honestly proud of it. It's obviously nowhere near enough but I feel rested enough to go on throughout the day. I'm still feeling really good though which is nice.

[Tucson]

I am starting to get things done. I saw my vocational rehab center for help. We have already been to a meeting with a job search firm. I am getting quotes from people who can fix the leaky roof and paint the insides of my house. This is more expensive than I thought it would be. My home equity line of credit will help out here. Next I will call a company that can fix my air conditioning unit. I have solved my severe money problems at least for the time being by getting that home equity line of credit (HELOC).

My pdoc told me I may have something wrong with me due to my blanking in and out that ended up as a DUI charge. This scares me for the paranoid part of me thinks there may be a brain tumor. Still most problems are manageable right now.

Here is an addition to my post. I am scared to re-enter the job market. I do not know how I would function if I can at all.

[Wild Coyote]

Exhausted, in pain. Mother (lives with us) had a hip replacement approx. 5 weeks ago. Brought her to ER. She has serious infection in hip and was admitted. Had another surgery to clean up infection in hip. Starting all over with rehab. Lots of nights at the hospital 'til 2 or 3 a.m. Am wiped out.

A very serious situation. Very lucky to find infection when did. She seems to be doing okay for now. She will come home soon. There's a lengthy protocol of daily antibiotic infusions after getting home. Has to go out for them. It will continue a bit hectic between that and her PT.

Trying to clear schedule for long sleep tonight!

Thoughts and prayers appreciated.

Love to All!

WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I invited my mother and daughter out to a tea house in town and then invited my niece and sister along. The stars were aligned just right and we all were able to go. It’s located in a 3 story mansion and they had 17 beautifully decorated trees. It was festive and delightful and we all had a great time. I preferred that casual, easy going event so much more than the forced atmosphere and expectations at Christmas (if that makes sense). It was really nice.

What a great idea! Sounds wonderful!

WC

[Nammu]

Wild coyote that does sound like a serious situation. Much luck to your mum to heal well from here on out.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Exhausted, in pain. Mother (lives with us) had a hip replacement approx. 5 weeks ago. Brought her to ER. She has serious infection in hip and was admitted. Had another surgery to clean up infection in hip. Starting all over with rehab. Lots of nights at the hospital 'til 2 or 3 a.m. Am wiped out.

A very serious situation. Very lucky to find infection when did. She seems to be doing okay for now. She will come home soon. There's a lengthy protocol of daily antibiotic infusions after getting home. Has to go out for them. It will continue a bit hectic between that and her PT.

Trying to clear schedule for long sleep tonight!

Thoughts and prayers appreciated.

Love to All!

WC

Thoughts and prayers going up for you and your mom. I hope you are able to get some rest.

[Naynay99]

Originally Posted by Brentus

This sums it up -- Thanks Barenaked Ladies!

"I wake up scared, I wake up strange,
I wake up wondering if anything in my life is ever gonna change.
I wake up scared, I wake up strange,
and everything around me stays the same..."

I love that song. Yah to BNL. "We've got these chains hanging around our necks, People want to strangle us with them before our first breathe..."

So I saw my pdoc last night. He is such an ahole. He said something like "and you still have no social life/personal life?"... I guess being single must mean I sit alone in the dark every weekend making sweaters out of my cats shedded fur or something...". He can go ****k himself, I didn't realize that being in a relationship was a measure of ones mental health. Bc when dating my addict ex bf I sure wasn't better off...

I asked him about light boxes and bright light therapy and he told me to see a sleep doctor bc that's not an area he knows anything about. Then he said I needed a medscape account to read articles on it, and not to be intimidated by the complicated medical jargon or think only drs and nurses could understand it, bc i would find some good info there. I'm not a fuucking moron just bc of a mood disorder. I was a science major in college who almost went to veterinary school and I have a MS, I thing I can handle reading a fuucking medical journal. Ugh. I cannot stand his condescension. And I think he dislikes me having independent thought and not thinking he is a god. Plus he must feel inadequate that he can't really help me very much. Idk. I wonder where exactly i went wrong in life that I am on the wrong side of the desk.

I'm okay. Less "irritable depression", as my pdoc dubbed my feeling down and shiity and pissed off... whatever. I think the longer I experience being a psychiatric patient the more bullshat it all seems to be. It's like some fake religion i can't buy into. Idk. I guess I'm doing okay anyway. No more intense urge to drive into a bRick wall or punch a wall.

Take care everybody. Sorry I write too much here.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Nammu

Wild coyote that does sound like a serious situation. Much luck to your mum to heal well from here on out.

Yes, it is life-threatening.
I'd lost a family member to a very similar situation a few years ago.
Thus, it's also been a bit triggering.

Thank you, Nammu.

WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Thoughts and prayers going up for you and your mom. I hope you are able to get some rest.

Thank you, Jennifer.

WC

[wildflowerchild25]

I complained of side effects to my pdoc again and she changed my meds again. Lowered depakote while adding trileptal. I’ve tried trileptal in the past but didn’t give it a fair shake. So we will see. I’m hoping the urge to compulsively eat will lessen on a smaller dose of depakote. Not sure what side effects come with trileptal. I’m not sure if her plan is to wean me off depakote completely and sub in trileptal or what. Not sure if any of these meds are actually helping me at all. But I keep taking them.

Christmas shopping is officially done. We will see how far I make it in my Christmas baking. I’m sick with a cold. Feel like **** today, hoping I’ll feel ok tomorrow.

[Nammu]

Oh, don't mention baking....I really got to get going and bake the cookies. Really need to get on that! I've had the butter sitting out to get to room temperature for 4 days now.....ug, all that washing up that comes with the baking is what's putting me off it.