I am sitting tight today, hoping I don't crack. I'm not dieting today to reduce the stress of it (swallowing a gabapentin right now).

I've been avoiding certain work that involves dating documents (today is my wedding anniversary with my late husband), but I really need to get to that now. Maybe I'll just do the work today and date it tomorrow and send it all out first thing in the morning. I hate dating documents with painful dates, because next quarter, I'm going to see it when I'm not expecting it, and that is painful.

Work has become more stressful than in the past. I have more responsibilities than in my last job. In addition, I have to be in charge of the IT vendor, but I'm not qualified/have no experience in it. I'm really not a fan of being the recipient of employee complaints about their computers.

Maybe I should be on the rant thread (ugh), but I know you guys know what I mean about the worries of having too many stressors at once.

Hugs to everyone.

My day, that I thought was going to be so terrible just improved. Someone asked me if I would help brainstorm fun something for the all employee company meeting (I love that, esp. if I can get a game or team excercise through).

Then my boss came in my office wanting to know if I can meet with him next week about ownership in the company. I’m a little stunned. I got some negative feedback on my last job review BECAUSE I was hypomanic. Right after that I crashed down into a terrible depression and got on the lithium. I figured they noticed I seem to have mood problems. I mean, how can you not notice??? I have different personalities and wardrobes even when in different states. Yeesh, I was wearing slightly revealing clothes last summer. I could just die, ugh...

I do know they landed a difficult but very large client in part based on my work. And they have had several others I have had to present to that went away satisfied. I have really worked hard, put things in place, and improved many things.

I feel good about today. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t giving me anything, they want my money, LOL. It’s just that I’m feeling good because they wouldn’t want me as a part owner if they really didn’t like my work.

Man, I was thinking about quitting when I was depressed...

[Unrigged64072835]

2 hours sleep + not being able to breathe through nose = not fun. Had to take the CPAP off, then kept waking myself up with my snoring.

I finished the homework for this week. Will start the next module on Thursday. I also fiddled around with some music software and loops and got a cool little jam going.

Didn't go to physical therapy as my therapist just got over a cold and didn't want to give her this one. Especially since I had little sleep and could hardly breathe.

Leftover night tonight because I don't feel awake or well enough to cook.

Hugs to those that want them. Hope we feel better soon.

[Tucson]

I feel the world is closing in on me. I canno even go anywhere. The last crisis was just too much. I do not know what to do. I decided to go about my business today. So I am getting an eye exam later this afternoon, and also purchase some glasses. I have to start counting calories. I ate out a couple times over the last week.

[Pookyl]

I’m feeling surprisingly great - in a normal way. 🤞that it lasts. ☺️

[Victoria'smom]

I scored particularly horrid on my math placement test. Only to come home and find out we have our house inspection next week. We double booked our pdoc appointment for the same day as a trip we can't get out of so we have to change our pdoc appointment. It's hard to keep food down because "Ana" is back screaming at me. I wish she was real (not just a voice) so I could beat the **** out of her. I'm pretty good mood though. I ate too much last night just to spite "Ana". I think my heads getting louder. I'm going to take extra zyprexa tonight and see if that helps. I'm so sick of all this BS.

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m a little anxious because my sister in law is scheduled to have a c-section at 9am tomorrow. I’m so excited for the birth of my niece but I’m so worried something will go wrong. I don’t really believe in god but I’ve been begging the universe to please let everything go ok. I’m not sure where this anxiety is from. I had the same problem when my son was born; I was almost sure something would go wrong and he would die.

Now I’m really getting anxious. I’ll feel so much better when I get the message that all is well. Hoping I do.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

Got my surgery done and over with yesterday. Sleeping a lot and in pain but really grateful everything went well. The surgeon said we may need to go in one more time.

Sending hugs to those that are struggling.

It's late for me-- getting home late. Yet, I'd really wanted to check-in on you. I am grateful for the news you have posted. I am hoping you are more comfortable by now. I hope you have a restful night!

Much Love,
WC

[Tucson]

Well, I just purchased a very expensive pair of carbon fiber glasses. They are black made out of carbon fiber. This will make me look very different compared with the wire framed glasses which I always had purchased. I hope I will like it after I wear them for a time.

[Lifeischallenging]

So I just learned that I overdrew my checking account. I absolutely hate Bipolar Disorder and the challenges it brings. I'm trying to control that side of me and not spend.

[Naynay99]

Still here

I am seeing my mental health worker today, but not until 3 30 this afternoon

so that leaves the moring to myself- honestly I probably should get showered and that for when she comes, but... nope.
I'm just going to let her see how I am- let her see the boxes scattered across the floor and the plates/ cups just sitting on the sink

I don't care rightn ow.

I am going to listen to latin and just wait for her to come

I am not depressed- I'm not even thinking about suicide.

just in a no care sort of mood

[99fairies]

I am the opposite of you shattered, I am depressed and I am thinking about suicide. And I do care a lot. I don't want to feel like this.

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m so anxious about my sister in law. I’m so used to tragedy in my life I feel like there’s no way something can’t go wrong. I can’t share these feelings with anyone as I don’t want to freak anyone else out. I will be obsessively checking my phone in group. I just want her and the baby to be ok. My brother couldn’t take it if something happened.

[stopchewinggum]

Well, my last ip was about three weeks ago. They put back on meds that make gain weight, but I guess there are worse fates than being fat. I feel better. The psychosis is gone, but I wish I didn't have any mood swings. My mood swings are just less pronounced, which is quite an accomplishment. Still, I'd rather enter a more stable period. Altogether, I'm grateful. I, still, have my job. I'm functioning, just not the level I would like, but there is always room for improvement in life. There is no shame in that in that. There is no sin in simple imperfection. If my compassion does not include myself, how, then, can I say my compassion is complete?

I wish my therapist would explain to me why I have psychosis outside of mood episodes. She just said, "You have psychosis for sure, but I don't see you as having psychotic disorder." Yeah, well... that's all fine and dandy, but what IS it, then? Why aren't you commenting? You have a PsyD and you're allowed to diagnose.

We'll have to discuss this in more detail during our appointment today. I am NOT leaving without an answer, and she needs to help me when I do have a psychosis "flare up". Telling me that the only thing that helps is medication, isn't useful. How about grounding skills????

Otherwise, doing ok. Feel like a huge f_ckup for messing up badly at work... but yesterday, I had a huge comeback because I got a good portion of my messed up work corrected... so yay?

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by 99fairies

I am the opposite of you shattered, I am depressed and I am thinking about suicide. And I do care a lot. I don't want to feel like this.

I’m sorry you are having a tough time. Are you safe? Thinking of you and sending big hugs.

[sonjaward809]

Well I'm out of IP now, I got out on the 8th. My mood is better, more stable. But my car broke down so I can't get to my appointments that I need to attend && since I live alone in a different state than most of my family I have no way to get there. But I've gotten in contact with my therapist and we are trying to work something out. So I'm hopeful about being able to get something set up. I was put on Risperdal and Seroquel (as needed for insomnia). I've taken Risperdal before so I know what to expect with that one, mainly just grogginess for the next few weeks while I adjust to it. I do feel kind of "out of it" but I know that will pass eventually. I plan on moving back in with my mom in a few months, so I'll be back in Texas with more of a stable support system. I wish I could move now but I have a lawyer working on my disability and I don't want to mess that up, so I have to wait. I was told I have chronic PTSD which I have little info about, so I'll be doing some research on it and talking with my therapist about that.

[BPQuestions]

Well this has been two weeks today my wife asked for a divorce. She stated the my Bipolar diagnosis had a huge part to do with her leaving. Im devastated and at the same time moving towards having peace with it. On a positive note the medication seems to be really working for me.

[incogneo]

I had a phone interview the other day with a big tech company in the area that was hiring for my line of work. I thought the phone interview went OK, but it appears that it went worse than I had hoped and they decided to pursue other candidates at this time. I really hate that line. I almost want a "thanks, but no thanks" email stated as such and then I can move on with my day. I just got the email within the last hour and a half and I'm still pretty bummed about it. Part of me worries that my other phone interviews didn't go as well as I had hoped, and that possibly I could be looking at staying with my current employer in a job that I hate for a little while longer.

I really don't want to leave a company seven years in but I'm not getting any younger and the longer I stay the more entrenched I will be. I fear that I will be fired anyway once my managers discover how much actual work I do in a day. I need to make more money, I need to have good benefits, and above all else I want to love the work I'm doing. Right now I cannot say that about my job.

[wildflowerchild25]

First of all, my niece was born safe and sound!!! Im an aunt for the first time. Im so happy that everything went ok!

Second of all, I’m being discharged from my IOP program next week. I have decided to return to work on February 1st, this way I won’t have a full week to contend with. I hope I can make it through the rest of the year without any serious issues.

[Wild Coyote]

I took a huge step and allowed myself to get new eye glasses. That may not seem like a huge step; yet, because I have felt so hopeless with depression, etc., I would not "waste" money investing in simple necessities, as I usually don't picture my surviving life much longer. So this is a big step for me.

Thank you, each of you, for your love and support.


WC

[Tucson]

I am feeling very depressed. If I had a couch to lay on that is what I would do, but I do not right now. My couch has been placed in a room with everything else. I have to wait until this room I am in is finished being tiled and painted. I took out a huge line of credit to pay for this. The room has a very bad smell to it since my mother had no control over her bodily functions before she passed on. I feel so unhappy right now.

I have never had everything go bad for me like it has been now. I cannot afford another car, I may lose my license, lose my insurance, and be sued. I appear to be going blind in my left eye. Soon glasses will not be able to compensate for my worsening sight. I just found out that I have a damaged disc in my lower neck that will get worse. All of this on top of my DUI which has not found anything in my blood to have caused this. The doctor told me to get back with him if it happens again. What??? I or someone else may be dead the next time it happens. The job search firm cannot help me right now due to me having no car. I really need that extra money.

I thought I may not be handle all the terrible things that went wrong a few months ago, but all of this bad stuff continues to happen with me. When will it all end? If I did not have the adopted family that I now have, it somehow would be worse. What is wrong with me? How is it that I go from one mess into another? I am pretty incompetent in my life right now. I know there are others that have it worse, but I am just overwhelmed now.

Still, I am fortunate enough to be able to post here where there are understanding people here to help support me. Thank all of you very much! Eventually my problems will get better. This has to happen. I am very sorry I posted this long post here. I just do not know what else to do.

[Zigy]

I'm deeply depressed and having burning high anxiety at the same time. Three days in a row, I wasn't so anxious last week. How is that even possible? I'm at work, completely overwhelmed, don't know what to do. Just sitting with my head in my hands. I have no idea how much longer I can do this. I don't have enough money to survive the SSID process and the company who handles my LTD has an awful reputation so I'm so I'm scared to go on LTD and lose my job and benefits. I feel trapped. No exit. No escape.

To make things worse my coworker has similar issues and she's looking for support in me but I can barely handle myself. She keeps talking to me, almost non-stop. It just makes it worse.

I'm burnt out and so tired.