[WildcatVet]

Feeling much better today with meds kicking back in. Had a long session with therapist about the problems with my PN and she says a lot of patients...AND staff have filed complaints against her but upper management refuses to do anything about her. I'm going to file a complaint also, but meanwhile therapist is going to try for a referral to the psychiatrist. He's in a town about an hour away...but so be it I guess.
Anyway, it's good to know it's not just me...like I'm always totally on this guilt trip and everything is my fault all the time.

Thanks, Wild Coyote!

I saw my pdoc today. He increased my Seroquel XR to 600 mg. That seems like a good plan based on past experiences. I was lucky I got there. When I tried to start my car to drive to his office I found my car battery dead. I had to call Uber. It's a wonder I didn't freak out.

[Unrigged64072835]

I had my first EMDR appointment today. I chose an early memory and worked through that. All the stuff I learned from my previous time in therapy served me well. I'll check in with her tomorrow in case I have any rebound effects. I definitely needed this treatment.

Afterwards my husband and I ate lunch and petted some cats at a nearby rescue. We considered getting another cat once the kids move out, but not sure if our cat will tolerate it.

Otherwise a quiet day. Will have to get to work in the basement tomorrow, plus clear out stuff in the kitchen.

Mood is okay for the moment.

[Faltering]

I went to the pdoc's office today to check in and the secretary told me I wasn't scheduled for today. She told me I was just in last week, which of course I knew. I had scheduled this appointment months in advance and my pdoc said we'd keep it. The secretary rudely said, "Well I'll ask him if he wants to see you." The doctor was able to see me luckily (I was internally panicking.) He knew about the appointment so he wasn't sure why there was no record of it. I told the pdoc how I've been doing and he asked if anything is going on in my life that could've caused this. I said I don't know of anything except maybe work stress. He said we'll go up quickly on the Latuda. 80 mg for three days and then 120 mg. The pdoc said we'll try to "kill whatever the hell it is." I laughed because those are my sentiments exactly. It feels like an evil presence is in my mind that I need to kill. This means I will have gone from 20 mg to 120 mg in just a short period of time. He gave me samples, which is good because the pharmacy just texted me saying they need to place a special order for the 120 mg.

[wildflowerchild25]

Depression still bringing me down. But I may have found a way around the cobra thing. I might be able to get private insurance. I’m praying (actually praying, which I never do) that this works out for me. It would be less than half of what cobra will cost.

Have to call unemployment tomorrow and hope they pick up. That’s some ******** that I can’t file online like everyone else. Dunno why.

I hope I feel better soon!

[hopeless2015]

Doing pretty good. Work has been so crazy lately but I'm keeping up and not loosing it for now. Went and walked with a friend. We walked for an hour at the school track. 7000 some steps and I lost track after 2 miles, we are thinking we did 5. Most exercise I've had in i don't know how long. We are planning to again Thursday

HUGS to all

[RainyDay107]

Major depressive episode. No IP (although pdoc mentioned the idea).

Anyway, that’s why I haven’t been around.

Gosh, this sounds like my last check in.

Just read a study that antidepressants cause memory loss. Benzos and now AD’s, too?

I shelled out a bunch of money for a series of Ketamine infusion treatments. Start tomorrow, twice a week for three weeks. Hoping this will help jumpstart my PTSD therapy, too. $1,100 in therapy flushed down the toilet. My EMDR therapy is stalled...so going to try ketamine as it may help.

It may help my OCD, too, which is off the charts for the past few months.

A psychologist at the ketamine center is going to be my “trip sitter” tomorrow (my words). She said some patients talk, some don’t. I figure if I happen to recall the first 13years of my life and mention it, I want someone to write it down!!! To bring to my PTSD therapist.

Pdoc raised Lexapro to 20 mg.

PMDD is the devil. If you don’t know what that is, good. If you do...I commiserate.

The Ketamine depression treatments aren’t known to last long. My boyfriend, whom I trust, urged me to try the ketamine treatments. But it won’t be a long term thing. I can’t afford it and there isn’t enough research on it.

Some people get “bad trips.” Hopefully I’ll have a good experience and I really want to feel better, even just for a little bit...and it would be huge to get some PTSD resolved.

House is for sale and is officially on the market. Two other people on my street immediately decide to do the same, ugh. . Stepdad’s estate is lagging.

I’ve lost quite a bit of weight, pdoc and pain mgmt doc are getting on me. Yes, I’m medically underweight but not that much, geez. It’s like they are going to send in the Calvary. I ate an entire pint of Haagen-Daaz yesterday so there, lol.

I do have hope for my future. I think the mental illness will always be around and definitely the chronic pain.

I’m not psychic (nor psychotic atm lol), but I’m seeing myself going through a very hard time in the future....within the next six months to a year or two years.

But that I will be living in a new area with a healthier (less triggering) area and surrounded by nature. I already have waterproof hiking boots, lol. I may get a dog. I was thinking two dogs but I am getting purebred first time in my life (always shelter cats and one dog ... had a bad experience with the dog, not his fault and I kept him).

I want to raise a puppy, train him with a trainer, and the dog I want is called a Shiloh. They are loyal dogs and want to please their owners...they are not resistant to training (some dogs are stubborn) at all...but training IS important.

They need a lot of exercise and I want to buy several acres of land to go hiking a few times a day...and a dog will force me to go do that. I thought about getting two puppies but these are big dogs, so one is enough, lol. Plus my two cats will adapt more easily and they are my sweet guys.

Thanks if you’re still reading.

I read check in and I’m sending prayers to those of you having hard times, I know there are several of you. And high fives to those of you that are on the up side.

I’ll post after my k-hole.

[Altarian]

I'm here. just been quiet while i think over the last week and next 3 weeks.

[liveforsummer]

Still in bed. Really don’t want to get up. Supposed to return an item and pick up a couple of summer capris as I gave mine all away,amongst other stuff I purged in an irritable /hypomanic fit in February. I wish I had some of it back. I don’t like shopping much.

I wish I could figure out how to make this avatar smaller.

Now I have to weigh myself. Lost too much and struggling to figure out how to stop this.

[pirilin]

I need a politician to underwrite a law forbiding the citizens of this 150k inhabitants little town, to play the auctions on eBay.
Under penalty of 50 years hard labor, or 5 million dollars, or both.
Guess who will still be at it.

[Tucson]

I am here. My daughter is graduating high school tonight. I need to find my camera and figure out how to use it once again. Complex little bugger. My daughter is not going to college. This is not good, but now unavoidable. She is pregnant with a lousy irresponsible boyfriend that has no character. No work ethic. She is in for hard times. She will be the one to hold that relationship together. This is not good at all. I am going on a four mile walk soon. I may have tomatoe bisque soup at a restaurant half way through the walk. I do not know. It is 8:12 AM right now. I will eat breakfast and then go on that walk.

PS I just ripped my new sofa. I was using my elbow to get off of the sofa. Oh well.

I'm happy to report that I feel pretty good today after some weeks of various mild to major mood issues, as well as stomach and headache issues, etc. I saw my pdoc yesterday and he increased my Seroquel XR to 600 mg. I sort of thought that was what he'd do, and feel that it was a good move given my past experiences. It's amazing how well Seroquel XR works for me for many different things (mania, mania w/mixed features, anxiety, depression, agitation). I have grown to really appreciate this medication and nowadays it gives me such minor side effects that compared to the benefits are almost nothing.

[Faltering]

I took 80 mg of Latuda last night and there have been no improvements yet. I'm still hearing an evil voice that growls at me and tells me it'll kill me. I have taunting images pop into my head. I'm still scared. I think it's losing its power, but I'm not sure. I'm still getting angry over minor things, just not as bad. At home I've been acting unusual. I'm starting to act like the entity inside me. I'm able to control myself in public so far. I keep thinking maybe I really am possessed. It just seems so real.

Had training today. It went okay, but I kept having to remind myself everyone is speaking in code and to not absorb the hidden messages, as I have to do every moment of every day. I think it's working.

Originally Posted by Tucson

I am here. My daughter is graduating high school tonight. I need to find my camera and figure out how to use it once again. Complex little bugger. My daughter is not going to college. This is not good, but now unavoidable. She is pregnant with a lousy irresponsible boyfriend that has no character. No work ethic. She is in for hard times. She will be the one to hold that relationship together. This is not good at all. I am going on a four mile walk soon. I may have tomatoe bisque soup at a restaurant half way through the walk. I do not know. It is 8:12 AM right now. I will eat breakfast and then go on that walk.

PS I just ripped my new sofa. I was using my elbow to get off of the sofa. Oh well.

Sorry to hear about your daughter, but the good news is that people can still go back to college at any stage in their life. In fact, my cousin got pregnant at 16 and again at 18 and again at 21. She never went to college. But then ultimately, she went for it and got her PhD in criminal psychology (just graduated 2 years ago). She had received an offer from University of Michigan for undergrad at age 23, and they paid for her childcare. She then got into a PhD program (I don't remember where, but maybe University of Michigan too) and the rest was history.

She was technically **trigger** raped by her boyfriend, since it was statutory rape. He was like 28 and she was 16. Why the heck she got with him in the first place is beyond me, but I think that was part of her motivation for a degree in criminal psychology.

[Unrigged64072835]

Did some packing this morning--dishes are now in six boxes as opposed to around 15. Kids will be packing their share tonight (I hope). I'll be inventorying the rest to see if I can get some money off of them. I also packed up my sewing stuff and opened up more space, plus help my husband clean the garage. The only thing broken was the generator--somebody ran into it and the gas tank has a leak now. Hopefully we won't need it anytime soon.

My daughter had a very sore throat this morning. Thankfully she's getting over it now.

Sent in an email to trauma T saying that I'm doing fine.

Took a shower and settling down a bit before making dinner.

Mood is okay.

[wildflowerchild25]

I was so depressed today I literally slept all day. From 9am till 4pm. I was just in a **** it, I don’t care, I’m not gonna fight it mood. I was depressed more when I woke up because I felt like a failure for giving in. I really wanted to self harm. But instead I took my son to dinner and did the whole “smile fake it til you make it” thing and it actually helped me feel better. I made an eye appointment with my mom (she works for an eye doctor). Then I sat outside for a little bit while my son played. He went to youth group and I couldn’t face going home and sitting alone so I took an hour drive, which usually helps calm me because I can listen to my music as loud as I want and vape. I feel better now. Not totally great but I don’t want to self harm anymore.

I have another job interview tomorrow for a receptionist at a chiropractor. The only thing is they’re looking for someone to work until six sometimes and I can only do that on Tuesday and Friday. And I’m not sure when I’d fit therapy in, especially if my schedule shifted every week. I can’t not do therapy. Or miss dr appointments. I will be devastated if I have to switch from my therapist. I love her so much.

But that’s in the future. Who knows if I’ll even get the job. I might not. In fact I probably won’t unless I can really charm them because I have zero experience. But they read my resume; they should know that already.

I hate that my neighbors are drug dealers. I can never tell if someone is acting weird because they want to break into the house or because they want drugs. I hate that off meds I'm miserable, but on meds I'm more miserable but am less chaotic. I feel like it's been a week since I've gone five hours without some sort of meltdown, but I feel like it's still better than relying on doctors, pharmacies, insurance companies, and little bits of substances to keep me at the point I am unable to physically and mentally figure out how to kill myself.

[bizi]

Paris : une exposition numérique immersive sur Gustav Klimt - GOLEM13.FR : GOLEM13.FR

This is why we are going to paris!!!

watch the video...
bizi

[Naynay99]

Still here. Not sure why. Feel totally overwhelmed by life.

[Pookyl]

Day #? In ip

I’m feeling a little less manic. Bored with hospital though.

[wildflowerchild25]

Consequences of sleeping all day? No sleep at night. It’s 3:30 and I’m still awake. I rarely stay up this late, even when hypomanic. I’m super bored. Gonna try to go to sleep again. Good thing is I don’t have to be up at six. But still looking at only four hours of sleep and a job interview tomorrow I hope I can come off as chipper.

[emgreen]

I know it's getting repetitive, but it's yet another night with only 3-4 hours sleep. It's been about a month now. I hope I'm not going to break down & head into mania.

[Gabyunbound]

My mother has MS and is completely disabled (uses an electric wheelchair and can very barely stand up) and now, a couple of weeks ago, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. We won't know until after the surgery to remove the tumor if it has spread to the lymph nodes or not. If so, she may well need chemo and I can't imagine her surviving it, being as debilitated as she already is. I work in healthcare and I've seen what it does to people.

My brother and I have been trying to move her to the north of Delaware, where we live, so that we can take better care of her (she lives an hour and a half south and has some home help there). We started this process before her cancer diagnosis, but now it is put off because she wants her treatment, down there, before she moves up here.

My brother was supposed to help find her a place to live up here. He hasn't. He has said he would visit her. He hasn't. I have been taking her to her doctors' appointments, and I don't think he'll be coming to the surgery with me (and I'll be the one staying with her after the surgery).

I only moved from CA to DE a year ago, and it's as if, now that I'm here, he expects me to do everything for my mother now. Before, he would occasionally take her to medical appointments, but that's it. I think he has good intentions (to help), but is struggling under having 3 kids and being terrible at budgeting his time (he has ADD). But I'm furious with him. He says he's overwhelmed and very behind with work and gets no sleep and yet he's going to Boston from Friday through Monday. He told my mother he'd go and visit her, and yet he's going to Boston for the entire long weekend. I'm furious with him. I'm trying to let go of my anger, but it's not working very well. I love him, but it's very difficult to sympathize with him; he's his own worst enemy.

I'm under an enormous amount of stress. I'm trying to hold it together. Ironically, BP and all, I'm, as a friend said to me, the 'adult' in the family. (My brother is also very very estranged from our father and is in an ongoing drama with he and his ex). It's just my brother and I. I love him. We're close. But I'm close to not being able to take him anymore. I don't want to be estranged from him as well. But he has anger issues, and if I were to challenge him on how he is treating (not helping) my mother, I know he would not react well. It's a terrible situation.

I NEED to keep it together. I MUST keep it together. I will do the best I can.

The lamictal increase has got me sleepy, but waking up 3am daily might be why, too