Trigger Sui Trigger

If you don't give your address, they can't do anything against your will. I'm really worried about you.

I'm trying to put time aside for myself but that's when dark thoughts creep in.

I read it. I don't know how I feel about it. It seems like it's saying to think your way to happiness or it's your fault your unhappy.

I'm no good with organizing my thoughts. It's like there're two big fires I'm trying to put out. I think I have my sister's beginning steps to independents figured out. I can't do anything for my nephew today. Monday my husband is going to go in to school with him to try and get everything straitened out for him. My family comes first. We figured out schooling for my son and now I just have books we have to figure out. I have to find 3 more schools he wants to appy to. As much as I love him I don't think he'll get into his school of choice. I feel whole heartedly responsible for that.

You don't sound like yourself, MM.

Not true they can track you. I did an online chat and they tracked me and called the cops. Pretty sure they can do the same with the phone.

Crikey. I didn't know that! That's weird, isn't it? Don't think it's the same in the UK.

Csn you not face the thought of going IP?

If you're as desperate as you sound, Miguel'sMom, maybe you could take the attitude that there's nothing to lose?

I'm not trying to talk you into it. But getting out of your complicated and stressful situation for a few days might clear your thoughts a little?

I can't go IP my family will know. They need help right now. They don't have time for me to go. Plus all they'll do is change my medication and wait. I don't want my meds changed. I don't want to just sit and do nothing for days. Plus I'm not even sure I'm depressed. So meds wont help. My husband put everything away.

It sounds like you need to go inpatient. Who cares if your family knows? If they love you, they'd rather have you alive & safe than dead. If you are having so many thoughts and ideations of suicide/self-harm type behavior, you need to get help. You can't just wait it out a couple of months. And, no, you do not have to try to kill yourself to be considered suicidal. I think you need IP desperately, and I'm not saying that lightly. I think if you don't go, at this rate, you will try something, whether you mean to or not, and then it might be too late.

They wont understand. They don't even recognize I have bipolar. However that's their first excuse when it comes to my sister. Plus it looks kinda like attention seeking. Look at the big mess R made oh wait being hospitalized trumps that. I can't make them question if every conversation is going to be our last. I know what that feels like, it sucks. Then if they know will they spend the money to come all the way down here. They don't have that kind of money.

I've had chest crushing anxiety all day. I smashed my favorite glass on accident, dinner was horrible, most of the time I want to sit down and cry. My other sister came over for a little but left before R came because they don't get along (R kidnapped her and broke her arm in a rage.) R came over and we talked about her getting into school and all the things she needs to do in 4 days. My nephew's girlfriend texted asking for R to pay for the insurance on cat that they left for the boys.

My husband asked this morning if I still "feel that way" I told him yes and he said he'd put everything up but I found it without trying. So he'll need to do a better job tomorrow. He asked if he could hug me and told me "He need's me here." I told him I was trying. Staying alive is hard but I think I can do it. I'm hesitant to call my pnurse because I'm not sure this is depression. I don't have faith in meds. What if they make things worse? I don't think I can handle worse or a mixed episode right now. I wish SH was socially acceptable.

I am sui very often but I’ve never been depressed at the same time. So yes it is definitely possible.
You sound really unwell. Please reach out to psych team for help.

So, who cares if they don't understand or want to understand? If they won't support you, I'm sorry to say this, then you need to cut them out of your life, even if that means you have no family left other than your husband and son. Really, it sounds like a toxic relationship with your family, one you do NOT need to be carrying on. Bipolar is a disease like diabetes and nothing to be ashamed of. You wouldn't go not treating diabetes or heart disease.

I didn't think my family would understand, but most of them make an effort. I don't think you can understand 100% unless you have been there. They didn't understand the anorexia. They didn't understand the anxiety (except to the extent they knew I was perfectionistic). They didn't seem to 100% get the depression or the sleepless nights, but honestly, when it was do or die with the eating disorder, my family stuck by me even if they didn't understand, except for my father, who told me to eat more hamburgers and have more milk shakes, which really irritated me. If I could get over it just like that, I would have. A lot of people on my mom's side of the family dealt with depression & anxiety though they thought it was overboard to take medicine for it, and I never told them I self-harmed. I don't think anyone understood the hospitalizations, except the one after bad panic disorder, due to having a guy mis-aim from the parking lot and shoot out my glass balcony door while I was sleeping (apparently, he was aiming for his girlfriend's patio door beneath my apartment). They seemed to understand and get that. Most of them didn't understand when my diagnosis changed from depression to bipolar except one of my sisters. And I really don't get why they didn't understand the eating disorder as a lot of them are very overweight themselves, which comes down to an eating disorder all the same.

When I got up the guts to tell my mom and sisters that I had been molested as a child by an uncle, they understood more (especially my middle sister who had been there at the time and my mom who remembered how vehemently we both insisted we never wanted to stay there again and the fact that my underwear had been washed due to an "accident", which apparently I never had. She remembered thinking the whole thing was odd and didn't want to leave us there but was pregnant with my youngest sister and doing the Christmas shopping. All the family agreed he was an extremely creepy man. But that took years to work up to getting the courage to tell anybody, even a therapist, pdoc, or my husband and the fact that my aunt (family by blood) covered up for him, her excuse being she was only in her early 20s at the time and plus, she claims she suddenly forgot her entire 1st marriage after divorcing him (which I don't believe in the least).

I talked to H a little he thinks it's uncontrolled anxiety. He gave me an ambien to help. He thinks I need to see pnurse soon If I don't call tomorrow he will. I told him you guys want me IP and he said if it wasn't me then sure but I'll dig my heals in and fight them tooth and nail. We talked about how SH is my first defense to anything. He suggested IOP I reminded him we can't do that in august. He said he'll drive me to find a new T. I wanted to write I'm sorry I'm so ****** letter to my parents but he said no it'll morph into a suicide letter.

I can't see myself cutting my family out. It is like any other disorder but I refuse to deal with my physical issues and the fact you have to prove you're sick enough to be there bothers me because I don't feel like I need to be there. I just need the razors, sizzers, and meds up.

Am I the only one to notice that this latest crash-and-burn coincides with you discontinuing your Zyprexa? Bad idea. Bad, bad idea. APs help with depression and anxiety too. Just saying.

You need IP , you just never see how “ unwell” you become.

Your husband is TELLING you he will drive you , so your “ I cant do X because of transportation “ default response or thinking doesn't fly.
I’m glad you husband will make a call to your Pnurse if you won’t do it. Good for him helping you.

Why is IP so horrible for you? I know you don’t like to be around people but you deserve to feel better so that you can be more involved with your family and life.

Self harm will not solve anything ( former cutter here) you do not have to harm yourself to cope with life.

Just something to keep in mind if you commit suicide it increases the risk your son will do the same by 50% , doesn’t Miguel deserve better????

Just STOP and get help it’s there for you if you just want it....

I was only off it maybe a week then the anxiety got to me and I started taking it again. I don't think this is depression. Though I am crying a lot.

I know, I remind myself that often. I don't see what IP would do that my pnurse can't. I'm not impulsive. Everything is "put up". So I'm safe. Can you get out of IOP after a month? As long as I'm safe shouldn't I be allowed to stay home. This is just a lock down. Honestly I feel safer her then at IP.

Didn’t mean to offend

There are times when you can choose to go to the hospital and times when you don't have a choice. Often, it is inconvenient. Often, it's an expense we can't afford. Sometimes, we just don't have control. Bipolar is a valid medical condition like all others, can even come with a higher cost because of the risk of attempted suicide.

I had no choice but to go to the hospital when I got a perforated ulcer, ambulance, had emergency surgery, a 6 day stay, expensive followup stuff afterwards. Was it convenient? No. Would I have planned to go if I had known I had an ulcer? No. Could we afford it? No. Did I need it? Yes. Bottom line.

You need it too. I don't want to offend you either, but it sounds to me like you are making excuses to avoid getting the help you need. Why is that? You are a valuable person. It sounds like your husband loves you to pieces. You need to start loving and taking care of yourself.

You didn't offend me

No one has offended me. I'm sorry if I sound offended I really, really don't mean to.

How are you doing MM?

Miguel’smom, Miguel’smom, Miguel’smom! I want to be careful with what I am about to say to you. I do not want to hurt you. You have been through so much. So much pain. You are miserable now. Just completely miserable. It is difficult for me to stand by as I watch somebody like you go through all of this.

You do not have the best of judgement. In this state of mind, you are very self-destructive, making yourself even more miserable with your own thoughts. You mentioned very good reasons to stay alive. You mentioned your family. You should of stopped your reasoning right there. After all, what is more important than your family? You need to be there for them, even though at times all it can be is physically there. I am sure you are valued by your family. All children value their mother very much. It is in their DNA. If you were not there for them, because of what you are thinking, that will leave a hole in all of your familys heart that can never be completely filled for the rest of their lives. It would just shatter your childrens life. This can even give them psychological issues that they will have to deal with for a long time. It is quite possible that this would make them as miserable as you are now. Do you want this for them? I think not. You care very much for them.

Get yourself properly medicated. Do whatever you need to do to make this happen. Do not let anything get in your way in accomplishing this. This must happen! More meds? So what. As long as they are working. We are talking that this can literally save your life. Take your medication. Even if you have to ask for someone to get your meds. Big deal. Once you do, and you have meds that work, you will not be feeling this way. Reality would be perceived differently by you. Right now, you are very tenuously connected to the reality around you. I am not talking psychosis here. Meds can help you allot with this. I am sure you will see better times.

Please take this as an effort on my part to help you. Oh yes, I think you should use a sui hot line right now. The worst case is it may not help you. But you are trying. Think of all of this like trying on a dress that you see on the rack. If you do not like it, put it back on the rack. Then try another dress on. You need to try all of this out and more. Keep at it even when it seems pointless to you. There are many dresses for you to try on. You need to get started now.

Take care!

Beyond the rainbow - it was my birthday Friday and I spent the day mad that I am still alive but it was good being around family. Suicide is still on my mind but everything is put up so there's no way I can harm myself. I've been very dizzy and nauseated the past two days so I've been sleeping a lot. I woke up to laughing and started hearing my name called today a lot so I may be slipping into psychosis. At this point I hardly care. I haven't told anyone in real life I'm hearing things. I have to renew our benifits tonight I put it off to the last day. I asked my husband to do it but he always says he'll do it later and there's no later at this point. I don't have it in me to argue. I run out of Lamictal tonight I have no idea how that happened or how to fix it. I just feel done with everything. My anxiety is still high. We've used all of our food money and the month is only half over. Just because the cheapest store had bugs walking around like they owned the place and it's to hard to go to the big chain store. So we're stuck with the expensive store. I have no idea what I'm feeding my kid the rest of the month. I think lots of hot dogs, Ramen noodles, pb&j, tuna, and mac and cheese. He won't go hungry but it'll be really cheap foods and not the healthiest. Which makes me feel horrible but I can't do anything about it. Knowing I physically can't do anything to harm myself makes the thoughts more dismissive. I don't even know what I'm going to tell my pnurse when I see her.

After all, what is more important than your family? I don't want to hurt them.
Get yourself properly medicated I don't know how to do this as I don't/can't swallow pills. I can temporarily but suck at taking them long term. What if this is them working and I just suck as a human being? What if this isn't depression? What if this is my stable? It sounds so right to me. I wish I could just go in and tell the dr I need the abilify shot and dto lamictal 200 and see if that helps. I don't want an AD or pill formula because honestly I won't take them long enough. Even trying. I even suck at being a good patient.

Hi MM, why not take a print out of this thread to show your pnurse? It may provide a good starting point to discussion.

I am so sorry you are feeling so terrible. Whatever is going on, depression or something else, you seem like you are really struggling and I don't think that could be your stable. You shouldn't feel this bad. I have questioned if I am stable before in the middle of depression. I get having a hard time swallowing pills, as I struggle too, although I luckily can do small ones. It sounds like it is time to see your dr and tell them what you are thinking about needing a med change.

(((((( MM ))))))