An Audi TT

I knew I wasn't missing out.
I went to a new years
Party with my parents
Because my pals had
No idea where they
Were going to end up.
So my parents Would
Have made me get
Back for the bells
At new year at 12.
And not going at all
Would mean that
I wouldn't get
Laughed at, at school
For still having a curfew
When In was fifteen.
And I was relieved
I never joined 4s3x and
The bubbly girl who
Was in our gang
For a while. Because
They played spin the
Bottle. I had kissed boys.
Still, I would have hated it.
And considering they
Evaluated everybodies
Kissing ability, I breathed
A sight of relief.
I watched chewing
The fat with the
Adults until I was
Bored then went
And played spyro the Dragon
With the oldest kids up stairs.
Then came back down
And spoke with
With women in kitchen
Had a couple of
Blue wickeds and food.
Then got bored
And listened to
Some songs, to recoup
Back up stairs,
Pretending I was back
On the play station.
When really I was
Thinking I should be
With my pals. Or
That somebody would
Be wondering why
I wasn't with pals.
But I couldnt invite
A Friend to this
Party for an hour
Because my friends
Were nuts! And would
Have been half cut.
My parents would
Have made them leave.

I could have met
Them for a while
Then went back
To the Party,
But negotiating with
My parents was
A war I would never win.
What's wrong with
Spending new year
With your family
And family friends anyway?
My pals parents
Didn't do anything so
They had to find
Their own entertainment.
When I was 18
Going to my local
Pub was great
Some weekends and
I was happy being
Around familiar people
I grew up with.
And meeting new folk.
If there was a competition
Night it was packed.
It wasn't half bad.
So I missed the boat.
I can find another way.
I'll find a job where
I can be trained up.
I can study online.
I can get an apprenticeship.
A woman tried to
Get me a job
At a distillery but
I didn't have a car.
I was lucky this
Ruled me out of
An interview as I doubt
I would not
Have had the confidence
To trump the competition
At the time.
And I'm not sure
I was ready for
This type of job.
The bottling line, possibly.
But they knew
I Was supposed to be bright
So they put a word In
For me to train
As a tour guide.
I felt so obtuse
For getting my hopes up,
And letting them down.
I could never have
Afforded a car
Without help on the 16-18
Year olds wage.
I would have to save
Up for the car.
Which would have
Taken the best part
Of a year. Even
A scooter would
Have taken time
And on stormy days
I couldnt chance it.
And to be honest
I didn't fancy my
Chances of surviving
When on a scooter
If an accident occurred.

Me and Fred dropped
In to my parents pals
One new year,
After being up town
And Fred was bored to tears.
We came the
Following new year.
After being at one
Of Freds friends parties.
We left to go
To Irish bar and
The guy was wrecked.
We decided to split.
So we popped past
My mum and dad's pals
And then seen
My grand parents.
We didn't want
To go to the town hall.
If it wasn't great
Or not busy and taxis
Home near impossible.
So see friends, see
What towns like
Then end the night
First footing at family.
Best of both worlds.
The new year
I turned nineteen
Is still lodged in
My memory. My
Life was in turmoil.
But the proclaimers
Came on when it
Hit 12 and a whole
Bunch of us got
In a circle and danced.
Friends and friends of friends.
Linked shoulder to shoulder.
My pal got snapping.
And it was a happy moment.
Best night out
I ever had in my hometown.
I just forgot about
The depression I was in.
And felt part of
Something for the
First time in six months
After I had been un well.
Best Hogmanay I had.

I landed lucky
To get a gig
Where I got to
Hide out back
For long stretches.
When I passed
My driving, everyone
Got me a card.
On my 21st "my machine"
Was decorated with
Banners and balloons
And it made me smile.
It wasn't ideal,
But it was the
Best I could of done
With the opportunities
That were available.
For young women
In this area retail or care
Are the main two options.
I did feel fortunate
To just have a job
With full time hours as well.

I got little cleaning job
To boost my earnings.
Two hours three days a week.
Then the odd day at
Weekend once to twice a month.
But I was regarded with
Suspicion because of
My stint in rehab.
At least that's how
I felt. So I wasn't
The cheery one
Who yapped away
To the security guards
And some of the
Shop keepers. I just
Didn't know how
People viewed me anymore.
I was terrified
Of rejection so I
Spoke to whoever
Was open with me first.
And my time there
Wasn't wasted. I got
Some sound advice
And reassurance. That
I really did treasure.

I felt terrible for
Being thick as a thief.
But I was young.
You were a grown man,
And still you had
To make juvenile jokes,
To impress a gang of lads.
And you didn't show one
Ounce of remorse.
You would invite yourself
Along to have lunch
With them if
You spotted then uptown.
Then you slept with
One of their ex girlfriends.
A girl 15+ years your jr.
And they were stunned
With your deceit
Because you denied it.
So they had enough.
And they didn't find
Your jokes against me
Funny or clever. They
Found you "sleekit"
Not to be trusted.

I realise that it was
The alcohol speaking
A lot of the time.
I don't believe that
Alcohol is a truth
Serum or it represented
Someone's true views and intentions.
When it comes to
Thoughts and feelings
Alcohol clouds everyones
Judgement. Especially if
Your stressed, tired and
Drunk to boot.
It was the drink talking.

He was "on the wind up"
He was being a
Wind up merchant,
And trying to be funny.
Boys & Men are
Notorious for it and
I took it at face value.
Many Scottish men
Start jokes with
This person I know,
Is the worlds worst for.. .

We know Gran
Has alcohol problems.
We know she has
Been so hasty
To get her bottle
That she has left
The dog a hundred and one
Times. Using it as an excuse.
She forgot my brothers
Bike when she
Was taking him
To the shop for a sweet.
What can we do?
We know she is
Lonely because she
Retired too early.
My Grandad works
Non stop. He knows.
We all know.
We all know this side
Of town knows.
But you cannot help
A person who does not
Want help. She
Just makes excuses
When we try.
Go and join a bridge club.
I don't like buses.
What can we do,
To stop the drinking?
Lock an OAP in a room
On her own, against her will?
Make her go cold turkey?
Until she has a seizure?
Nobody does that.
She has a grudge
Against Grandad for
Moving here. Apart
From oor flustered,
She misses her
Friends from England.
Its not easy making
Friends the older you get.
You lose friends
At their age faster
Than making them.
My Gran wanted
To be a chemist.
So what happened?
Grandad was Navy.
She didn't have
Much help when
Raising her family.
She stayed at home.
She enjoyed working
At a betting shop
Because back then
She had to calculate
Some of the math manually.
She was intelligent.
My mum says,
That my Grandfather
Actually had some
Sort of breakdown.
I am not sure when.
But seeing as he
Became an orphan
At a young age,
He didn't have a strong
Support network and
He was the one
Supporting his family.
He must have felt
Lonely too. When
My grandparents married,
My Gran recounted how
His excitement turned
To sadness when
He realised that,
He didn't have family
To invite. My Grans
Mum died young
From a brain tumour
And my Gran quit
Work to help out.
So when my Grandfather
Passed and her health
Was in decline, she
Expected my mum
To make sacrifices.
My mum resented
Making sacrifices for
Me and my brother.
And she made such
A song and dance
About my Gran.
Maybe if she had
Considered what my
Grandfather would have
Thought about all
Her histrionics, she
May have been
More patient. It
Was probably my
Own father who broke
Her patience. I
Know he tested mine.
He lost me too.
It was his fault.
My father never
Got over my mum.
And he left
Her with emotional
Scars. She yelled
At him every single
Time she saw him.
Me on the stairs.
Making this scene
Etched on my
Memory. Scared and
Confused. And this,
Being in the middle
Of a war just
Passed on our
Families prided tradition:
Loneliness is inevitable.
I was mad
At him, my father.
But because of his ill health I
Harboured no resentment.
I know my step dad
Was more of a dad.
But he didn't understand
How to raise
A kid who was more
Academically inclined than practical.
And my mum and him
Messed up big time.
They made it up
To me while my
Father. He never got
Me either. Because,
He wanted a son.
I never did sport
To please him though.
It saved me from
The streets. My father
Didn't know what
He wanted really.
To go watch his kid
Play football at
The weekends. Sorry
Not me. What are
You going to be?
I didn't have to be
In uniform, I didn't
Need a title. I didn't
Want to tempt fate.
I knew if i told
Him he would just tutt,
And not understand.
What kid envisions
Themselves in an office
In a business or corporation?
Stuck behind a computer
Screen all day.
Thats where money and
Success seems to lie
In modern life.
Kids want to be
Saving the world as
Fire fighters, doctors and Nurses.
My mum laughed
At my childhood dreams.
When I took a year
Out my father
Muttered about girls
Doing modern apprenticeships.
An office one. Yes
But I lacked confidence.
The key ingredients.
I got anxious on
The tills at the supermarket.
I hated small talk.
I had no intersest in
Car engine's. In fixing things.
I liked to paint my nails
And avoid splinters
At all cost.
My brothers future
Was all set for him.
Sometimes when you
Hit out at the world
It hits back ten times
As hard as I
Was to find out.
I got unwell. And
Everything went the other
Direction. From pressure
To be something,
To something else.
To unknown territory.
To ending up with
An emotionally unavailable man.
Who in a photo I took,
I saw the same
Angry/depressed stance
Like my own blood father.
To nearly crying when
The job centre advisor
Tried to recommend
A company her
Daughter my age just
Secured a job with.
Does'nt mean I will.
My mums not like you.
She must get that
All the time. Thinking
These defeated youngsters.
One said "cant your friends
Help you get something."
Not now they couldn't.
I am just out of hospital.
I didn't say. I also didnt say,
None of my friends
Visited me in hospital
Because there are
No flowers or cards
In the psych ward.

For the record, my prolactin
Levels are fine on my tablet.
On a different med, they stopped.
But adding a diff AP
Would have helped this
I was advised.
But I needed to switch
For other reasons. I
Don't think it would
Be fair to let this happen
To a female patient and the
Doctor refusing to change
The medication. Conspiracy
Theorists would love this
Nugget of information.
A drugs for treating
Mental health disorders
That stops womens cycles/menses
As a side effect.
The article entitled:
Doctors steralising patients
With prescribed mediction.
Thats not the case.
Once drug is changed
The cycle returns to normal.
I guess its not fair
To ignore male patients
In their department either.
How many would
Come clean to their psych
Even if they thought
It was the drug?
With these drugs a lot
Of the time you have
To weigh up the pro's and cons.
And the doctors seem
To try and avoid
The muddier side to them.

Everyone knew I was shy.
Everyone knew I was
Only loud and hyper
When my friends were working.
I only larked around
With some people.
They tryed playing doctor,
Put two and two
Together and reached 500!
I was naturally hyper
When I had a
Partner in crime.
On my own I was
A bag of nerves.
Like most youths
I showed off for my
Friends or when I had
The right audience.
I would have did
More time on the tills
And found out how
To relax, and ease myself
Into proper small talk
But I was enraged when
My thug coach made
Fun of me for being
Till trained as my first boss
And him were friends.
So I avoided
Them on purpose.
If there was no one
In I got on with too well
I exchanged pleasantries
And I got stuck into
My work. I never acted
Ambivalent to anyone.
Unless I made a joke
Because my friend
Was with me
In the passing.
And I was such a thinker
That sometimes I apologised
To them later. When
Your doing a menial
Job theres time to think.
And I am a deep thinker
Who just so happens
To like to perform.
Or as I have put it
In the past: have a blow out.
My ability to adapt
Was mistaken as a flaw.
In my previous job
You couldnt be yourself
It was doing drills
And you had to play a role.
With this job
I could be myself
With tact of course.
I was young and I
Was trying to come
Out of my shell.
Failing miserably at times.
I was funny with friends.
But I worked in full
View of the public
With security cameras
Everywhere for 24/7.
I felt nervous at work.
The moral of the story is:
Leave the psychology
To the experts everyone
Or you can do more
Damage than good.

I can fully understand
Your frustation that I
Was deployed to a team
Which consisted of some
Of the highest skilled workers.
And I had no experience.
Not even anything similar.
The clientelle were
Often situated out with
The town meaning
Many were well off
Or expected their matters
Were kept as private
As possible and expexted
Well trained and
Professional staff. I
Needed a placement
In a real setting.
The theory would not
Have been enough.
But I was used
To being thrown in
The deep end that
I thought this was
The only way to learn.
And my experiences
Had taught me how
To hang on in there.
I just had it lodged
That I could not
Quit unless I had
Another job to go to.
The reasons layed with
Fred and my family who
Had subjected me
To years of verbal abuse
Undermining my strength
Of character and sense
Of responsibility so
I was afraid that
My fragile ego
Could not cope
Unless I had a
Means to support myself.
Your reservations were justified.
I was too stubborn
To admit I was in
Over my head
And this job was
Going against the grain.
This was alien territory
For me and I was also
A little conceited to
Believe I could
Fit into the mould
And not feel like a fraud.
Which I did. Feel fake.
My problems rested
With people closer to home.
There just was not
Many opportunities for
Youngsters in my area.
But I was by far
Not the only one person
In their early twenties
To come face to face
With the same
Catch 22 situation.
I needed employment.
A grant from college
Could not support
Me to pay bills
And only work part time.
And online studying
Was not only isolating
But would take twice
As long while working.
So I was in a quandary:
I had dropped out
But failed to secure
An office junior or apprenticeship
That I sought.
I Found myself looking at just,
A means to an end.
Accepting the first
Job I could get my
Hands on with no
Intention of staying.
Therefore like school
I would never apply myself.
Maintaining the shallowest
Relationships I could,
With my colleagues.
So I made enemies
But rarely made friends.
And my sense of worth
Was further disintegrating.
Creating more friction.
In my home life as
I was exasperated at my
Present situation and
Being in a dead end
Job forever more.
It wasn't just the job.
With little money,
It meant not much
Of a life outside work.
I knew the reason.
It was the hospital.
And my life revolved
Around trying to
Keep Fred happy.
I owed him after all.
I do not think he would
Have accepted the job
He was offered
By an old employer
Who had branched out
If I said he obviously
Wasn't content in his
Previous job and to do it,
And jump ship.
I would be kept awake
Agonising over how
I could support my
Future family with Fred.
I did think of these things.
Maybe not out loud.
Just passing little notions.
At night when it
Was quiet before drifting off.
A sting of woe.
And the only thing
I wanted from Fred
Was for him to
Let me go.

Fred did not object
When I said we are
Over and after my
Grandfathers funeral I
Am leaving. My mum
Wanted Fred to have
A cord at his funeral.
And it just came out.
No thats not possible,
We have agreed to separate.
We have getting along
Better this past while.
Have we not ? Fred said.
We had stopped fighting.
But where are we going now?
There's something missing.
And we both could feel it.

That night Fred went
Out all alone and invited a group
Of strange guys back to
The house. We had spoke
To one at my local once
Or twice. That was it.
I would have stayed
Longer and not
Have moved into
My Grans house.
But Fred made me
Sleep on the sofa.
And demanded I leave his
House and I took
My clothes and left.
He was so desperate
To not appear alone.
The guy he invited
Was renowned for
Being a bit of a drooth.
He worked for his dad
And missed work
In favour of drinking
And went on benders.
He just went where the
Wind blew. Or where
The beer was. So Fred
Knew he would not
Turn down an after
Party if he offered.
The source of many
Of our fights was
That we did everything
Together and needed to
Get something of our own.
I had to leave in
Order for Fred to be
Shaken up enough
To get his act together.
For him to see we
Needed to meet new people.
And everyone thought
We would get back together.
His family got a bed
For the spare room,
I saw when I went
To collect some of
My belongings. I barely
Got a grunt out of Fred.
What have you told
Your family? They know
The score don't they?
Have you got what
You want? He said.
That beds for me
I was thinking. But
Fred couldn't even be civil.
I couldnt squeeze one
Word from him.
So that was it.
Both our minds
Had been made up.

I was not going
Back to Fred, end
Of story I told my family.
Even after all
He has done for you
The poor lad?
My family would
Never regard me
With the repsect
I deserved no matter
What I did. Even
Before I was unwell
They did not
Listen to any of
The encouragement that
My teachers gave.
And that my plan
Falling through was
For the best.
I got the help
I needed in rehab.
Just like last time
I sped up the process.
I could have
Done the year in
Glasgow or Don.
But a stitch in
Time saves nine.

I know Fred was
Hurting and that
His family expected
Me to return to him
Hence why the spare
Room was furnished.
But he must have
Known that we could
Not reconcile our
Differences and that
This 6 year mark was
The natural end
Of our relationship.

Fred must know he
Over stepped the mark
One too many times.
That he only treated me
The way he did because
He thought I was not
Strong after needing
A spell in Hospital rehab.
He said you'll get
A lucky break at some point.
But I am not sure,
He wanted it to happen.

I have a feeling that
Everyone thought
I just needed to
Get it all out of my system.
Realise that I could
Never have what I
Thought I could have
Before this breakdown.
That most of the time
Cuts young men and women
Down in their prime.
I would go to college
In the city for a year
And then come
Crawling back to Fred,
Maybe even after
Three months or so.
I was too used to
Having a regular stream of
Income that I would
Give up the ghost and
Come to my senses
And see that Fred
Was indeed a knight
In shining armour.
The grass is not
Always greener on
The other side.

My dad seen the light
When I was in hospital.
And he saw that
I could not take
Being with Fred anymore.
And he hoped
That I did go back
To college and do
The access to nursing.
If you are trained
The world is your oyster.
But I had the time
To reflect and I realised
How broken I was,
Emotionally exhausted
And that this time
I needed to take at
Least a year out.
And I could only do
It away from the pressure
Of my family. And
I guess I went down
The beaten and abused
Wives road where
I was awarded temporary
Accommodation to get well.
Like womens aid ,
I qualified for a fresh start.
Because the nurses
Told me I had to
Not cut my nose off
To spite my face
As one said.
It was not easy to
Admit that I faced
Domestic abuse with both
My ex boyfriend and if
I stayed with my family.
Once you reach a
Certain age staying
With family can only
Really be temporary
Anyway until back on feet.
And without these
Safety nets that
Were in place I would
Not have met new
Friends that have
Been through hard times
Like I have,
And I would not have
Had the space and time
Away from family and
We may have cut
All the ties altogether.

I thought if I went
To local college there
Was more chance
History would repeat itself
And I would quit
To work or there was
More of a chance
Someone would find
Out about me being
In the hospital rehab.
When I was out
With Fred one night
A man who went to
My old sports club
Shouted your a slut
In my ear on his
Way to the bar and
It was laced with
Vehemence, he meant
To put me down.
And as I cleared it
Up before the guy
Lied about me on
The sofa and I had
Only slept with one
Person before Fred.
So this also made
Me adament that I
Needed a fresh start
Somewhere else away
From small minded gossip.
I did not see much
Hope mending old
Ties with acquaintances
That used to be friends.
If I spread my wings
I could escape the
Ghosts of my past.
But I know that
You can't fool everyone
And if someone
Eyed me with suspicion
I would have to keep
Moving and I would
One day look in
The mirror and see
This lonely bedraggled
Person looking back.
Each relationship falling
Flat when I revealed,
The reasons why
I was drifting.
And freedom would
Turn to depair and loneliness.

[QUOTE=Balthascar810;6313363]I thought if I went
To local college there
Was more chance
History would repeat itself
And I would quit
To work or there was
More of a chance
Someone would find
Out about me being
In the hospital rehab.
When I was out
With Fred one night
A man who went to
My old sports club
Shouted your a slut
In my ear on his
Way to the bar and
It was laced with
Vehemence, he meant
To put me down.
And as I cleared it
Up before the guy
Lied about me on
The sofa and I had
Only slept with one
Person before Fred.
So this also made
Me adament that I
Needed a fresh start
Somewhere else away
From small minded gossip.
I did not see much
Hope mending old
Ties with acquaintances
That used to be friends.
If I spread my wings
I could escape the
Ghosts of my past.
But I know that
You can't fool everyone
And if someone
Eyed me with suspicion
I would have to keep
On moving around.
Each relationship falling
Flat when I revealed,
The reasons why
I was drifting.
Yes this solitary pill
Is for a mood disorder.
So you are crazy? No. But.
I am not perfect.
And freedom would
Turn to despair and loneliness

I never got
My subject choices
But I was young
And stil felt I had
All the time in the world
And I would figure out
What was next.
Rather than jumping
Into the complete unknown.
When I left the
Following year I found
Myself at a factory.
Then a supermarket.
I thought I will do
My highers at college.
The students will be
More mature and a change
Of scenery. But I was
Holding back depression.
I cried in psychology.
Dropped it, and biology.
I couldnt fit in maths or computing
Around my work.
And I needed my work
To pay for my sport,
That I had rapidly
Rose high in much
To some people's surprise
And others chagrin.
So I decided to keep
My brain ticking and
For a chance in future
At art school and that higher
English would keep
The gears from grinding
To a halt. But a substitute
Teacher put me in
A sticky spot in a very
Academically worded rather
Than poetic article
And I struggled to
Produce the answer.
And they made me
Feel disappointed in myself
Because they did not
Try and help and said
You have nothing?
Not a clue?
And a young me,
Closed up like a clam.
As students dropped
Like flies to work,
I joined the ranks
And moved in with
Some friends so I
Needed work even more now.

I wasn't angry you
Wanted to stop seeing me.
I was relieved.
I lived in a cramped
Council flat and I
Was not a popular person.
Your parents were
Educated secondary teachers.
You had such a hectic
Social life that you
Would not even walk
Me to the bus stop
When I wasn't 100%
Sure where it was.
Me and my friends
Were forthcoming and a
Bit wild and rough
Around the edges.
I knew that this
Wasn't built to last.
That we, my friend and I
Were to these boys, just
A passing flirtation.
My boyfriend only phoned
When he was drunk.
He was so abrupt
On text I didn't phone often.
While my friend would
Brag on about being
On the phone for an hour
And a half, like soul mates.
If I didn't have this
Burgeoning sport career
I would not have
Even went on a first date
After meeting this boy
In the club. And
If I didn't have this
Childhood friend of mine
With such gusto
To seize the moment
Saying come with me
And speak to him.
A girl in one of
My classes said she
Did not think of
The future enough.
She was only
Thinking of right now.
That she may regret,
Her promiscuous ways,
Come later days.

I did not do tkd
Because I was bullied.
Nobody touched me
Whatsoever in Primary.
And at high school
I gave as good as I got.
I was not even picked on.
I think one girl
Wanted an old friend
All to herself so it
Was only when she
Was around that
They lauged at my
Celebration at a strike
Or when I found it
Difficult to hear a soft
Spoken teacher that
I leant in like a
Pecking pigeon.
My dad asked why
They never invited me
Out and I should
Try get new friends.
And so I did.
At work I only
Glanced away from the
Board for a short spell.
I was listening and
Had memorised the board.
The sun was shining
Through the window too.
And maybe my second
Boss assumed I did
Not like kids because
I did martial arts so
Maybe I was bullied.
No I started because
A friend with her yellow
Belt had a tkd birthday cake
So me and my brother
Wanted to take lessons
As a hobby thinking
It was cool back then.
I was just shy and
At 17 was not broody.

I will completely
Avoid talking about
The flat, incase
I get arrested by
The Voltori. I do
Not care. I talk
Openly like I would
If a bee stung me.
I am moody when
There is nothing
On the box.
Been using my
Trigger, pinky finger to
Operate the remote
And all I could
Find was horrors
With worse actresses
Than the descent.
Pinky promise. I
Never went to
Brownies so cannot
Do their sign.
I would just get
Blamed for tanning
All the better looking
Cookies in the jar anyway.

You need to be vocal.
I am quite tall 5'7.
Lost my puppy fat,
In the mid teens.
I was only sixteen.
I trained more because
One: I was not allowed
To got to my
Friends hangout at
Their older boyfriends house
And the second being:
I wasn't able
To go to my
My Grandparents since
My Mum picked me
To take her complaints
Out on. She is never
Happy unless she has
Someone or something
To moan about.
So paul was put
Up on a pedestal
But I was damned.
I had done nothing wrong.
I never drunk at weekends. Nothing.
So at my grandparents I was
Not greeted kindly.
In fact they treated
Me like a spoilt brat
Or ungrateful more accurately.
But I was not at all.
And my mum pulled
The wool over their eyes.
I did not even get
Lunch money for
Every day of the week.
And I tried to bury my
Feelings and toughen up.
I applied for a weekend
Job and the woman
Knew thug. So coincidentally
I did not get the job.
He would not have
Hesitated to say that
I was not the most
Confident of "his pupils."
So when I begun
Teaching and bag circuit
I was lean as a whippet.
And I still ate A LOT.
Thug went to town
On me for eating
Food from the chip shop
On a break saying
His gym would smell
Of greasy unhealthy food.
I also missed out
On relaxing at my grandparents
Not just my Grans
Wholesome home cooking.
I was exercising more,
Eating more after
I lost the puppyfat.
I spent more money
On food than music or magazines.
Buying wraps, sandwiches
Food while on the go
All the time like the bakers.
I would sometimes
Stand and read magazine
Articles in the shop.
I am surprised I was
Never approached by
A sales worker and asked
Are you going to buy that?
I can see why R.r. coach
Thought I looked
Like an ideal high jumper.
My teammates with
Their fast twitch muscles
Could have been runners.
And were more talented
Than I was. More confident.
And better looking.
I was intelligent
And a natural at timing
And had potential.
I was good at martial arts.
But I just was
Not good enough.
I lacked a certain conviction.
I would rather have
Got into a good university
Than the British Team.
A solid dependable
Degree would not disappear
And set me up for life.
I could not even
Get a referenece from thug
And I thought all
That hard work just
Went down the drain.
I never spoke of what
Could have been
After rehab. I cut
Myself off from it
Completely. I just
Thought : if the Scots
Have such big hearts
Why do I feel like
My whole community
Sees me as an outcast.
I felt like nobody was
Even giving me a chance.
I was marked, stigmatised
And thrown on the scrap heap.
Such a big hearted community.

Like many youths
I was not sure what
I wanted to do. I
Only applied to the
Navy because It was
A get out of jail
Free card. Just
A way to get out
Of this town that
Had backwards views
Of people who
Recieved psychiatric care.
Many still calling it
By its name it was
Called 150 years passed.
And some confusing it
With a home for
People who were deemed
Mentally handicapped back
When it was called,
Bilbohall funny farm.
I would not have
Passed the running test
If I had even tried
To pass the interview.
I had been on
Strong medication like
Any other illness.
To re-align the chemical
Imbalance in the brain
From my breakdown.
The man said I
Am not sure you
Scored high enough
For the writers job.
I don't think he
Even read all my
Application, he just
Saw a timid young girl.
Who struggled to cover
Her slang in answers
So I did hang back
And took my time answering.
He would have seen
This delay. He mistook
It for not having enough
Social interaction with peers.
When the opposite was true.
Granted my highers
Did not reflect what
I was capable of.
And my Art teacher
Hit the roof I was
Informed by a clasmate.
My design project was
Left slightly abandoned.
The final drawing,
Was full of rubber stains.
I withdrew from
The maths exam.
Better nothing than
A big fat F for fail.
And I was a whisker
Away from passing French.
But I was glad
To get the glaring eye
Of expectation off of me.
But I said "Logistics" first
As my grades were
Just short of the writers job.
And he told me
There was a waiting
List longer than
His arm, two to three
Years if I recall
For the writers position.
So I can see why
He would have been
Trying to push me
To the Logistics jobs.
I did not say I
Wanted to make my
Father proud and when
He questioned how fit
I was becauase of
My "slight" build
I never told him
I was in the running
For the British Squad
Only a year earlier.
I cannot remember if
I said I would like
To make my grandad proud.
That he was a pilots mate.
If I really wanted
To go to the training camp
I would have brought
My A game. But my
Heart was not in it.
And when I told
My Grand parents I
Don't think I would like
To put my life in someone
Else's hands for seven year's,
Not be in control
Of my own destiny.
My grandfather blew
A gasket and said
Heavens above I cannot
Believe my ears,
You used to have your
Head screwed on
Whatever happened to you.
You blew your only
Other chance. Now
You expect "Love on the dole."
He quoted a famous book.
And was evidently
Angry and a bit ashamed
That I was 18 and
Had to go to the
"Dole office" to "sign on."
My parents got the
Forms for incapacity
Benefit before I was
Discharged from hospital.
And my mum gave
Them to my Grandad.
She could have
Done them or I could
Have done them with
A cpn but this was
Her second slap
To my face. My
Grandfather was the nucleus
To our family and
My mum wanted
Him to see how
Serious this was.
That I was legitimately
"Ill" as these
Forms would confirm.
Mental health is counted
As a reason to avoid
Participating in the working world.
But I quickly switched
To job seekers because
Even though I needed
More time to rest,
It gave me hope.
My family were ashamed
Of me and David
Was brainwashed with
Draconian views of
People who had been
Through mental health problems.
Depression is for the
Weak and feeble.
And I was "a pahetic
Excuse for a human being."
His exact statement.
I was only there a month.
I think the doctor
Must have had a heavy
Work load or I may
Have been placed on
The six month stay.
My Mum lapped up
Everything David said.
I see her at home
If he corrects her
She turns into an
Obediant child and agrees.
She took his side.
He was the bread winner
After all, and my mum
Never worked more than
Part time hours since
I had been born.
David was and still is
Head of the household.
I think if my grandparents
Were not around
Then they would
Have said pack
Your bags, we won't
Have a free loader.
You can't expect
Us to look after you
All your life.
So David said he
Wished I had got
Ill sooner then I
Could have been placed
Into the care system.
Well, at least I
Would have got
My own flat when
They saw I was capable.
And my parents
Could have sent
Me to the council
Office with a suitcase
And I would say:
I am now homeless.
And the health care team
Would maybe have had
To place me on
A cto first and my
Soul would have
Been crushed. I am unwanted.
But I never even
Argued with my parents.
If they fetched me
From somewhere so
I did not drink,
I just listened
To the right music
I did all the housework
Everyday. I went
To the job centre
Even though it killed me
If I got a not so
Sympathetic job officer.
I saw Fred even though
Him telling me that
I would be best
Being his house wife
And keeping away
From stress as a career
Would be too risky
And stressful for me now.
My mum told people
I probably would never
Get better. I had
Something wrong with me
That must come from
My blood fathers side
Now and they were
Awaiting results. They
Came back inconclusive
And I thanked
My lucky stars.
It was like being
Told your in remission.
I was given information
Sheets that explained
What I had experienced
And been through.
And not what I had.
And I knew I
Would get better.
I am so glad that Sunny
Disposition got that
Job because I did not
Have anyone in my
Corner to rebuild
My confidence and esteem.
All this negativity,
Ignited this spark
In my brain and
My belly. Gave me
A fight I never
Thought I would
Have to engage in.
But if life gives you lemons
Then you make lemonade.

I was only a kid.
And that teacher
Was wrong to
Have reacted the
Way she did.
But I am fortunate
She left because
I knew she was
Jealous of my story writing.
I think I figured it
Out when the teachers
Would read out
This one specific pupils
Poems and I really
Admired them. I thought
I was just more
Of a logical thinker.
That it was just
A result of me
Getting older that I had
Lost my story telling flow.
I reached the conclusion that the
Mind is more free
And playful as a young child
And imagination gives
Way to real life and discipline.
I couldn't have known
That I had changed
Because of a traumatic
Ordeal at the
Hands of a teacher.
Because my teachers
Are the ones
Who have inspired me
More than anyone.
I feel guiltier for
Letting them down
Than my own family.
So I can forgive
One bad egg.
That they could have
Been having a hard
Time in their life
Or were simlpy having
A really bad day.
And I did have
A form of writers block.
I had developed stronger
Defence mechanisms as a result.
The kids did
One ryhme like kids do.
It was like gossip
Pass on my germs.
The next day it
Was someone else.
It was that fleeting.
We got a new teacher
And they were ok.
I have no idea if
They knew I was
The reason the last left.
I was never picked
On constantly for one
Thing. My bra size.
In high school.
But every girl in
The planet worries
About their body.
And the girls
Grew scared of me.
I was not like judo.
A girl drew on my jumper
And I reduced her to tears.
I did not feel satisfied
With upsetting them.
I felt I lost control and
Said too much.
And I am glad
That Mersey held
Me back, from
Leaping at two girls.
And pulling her red
Thong up over her
Shoulders and telling
Her to cover it up
If she wore it two
Days running next time.
Hardly any wonder
Why she was
Reported publicy by grafiti in a
Pub cubicle for having crabs.
And big bird was
Ok with me when
Her muckers were absent.
She said I was
Pretty enough to be
A hair model.
She and Mersey were
Both talented and
I respected them.
And in a way
They respected me.
For being intelligent,
But being able
To handle myself.
Mersey actually helped
Me laugh off a time
I had to run out
Of music to the
Ceramic telephone. And
One of the girls
I nearly leapt
To pummel actually
Made me feel
More secure with
My appearance and body image
When we re-united.
Without my humour
As a self defence mechanism
I may not have made
More friends after David
Said I needed to.
I still was not accepted
By one half as they
Thought I was "too brainy."
I would have done
Better if the p2 incident
Never happened. Yet
I was still regarded as
A force to be reckoned with.
What could I have achieved
If it never happened?
It was a blessing
In disguise. It
Made my life harder.
It set me on a different course.
I would never have excelled
At sport as I would
Have stuck at just school work.
I would never have
Excelled at art. And with
The breakdown it saved me.
I would never have
Had the fun I did
With my friends, even
If I do wince at
Rebelling a bit far.
So all being said.
I DO forgive the teacher.
I understand that she
Thought the person
Had to admit
The responsibility. That
Is what school is
Supposed to do. Make
Us responsible adults.
I am sorry I spoke
About it at sport class.
And I promise to
Let sleeping dogs lie.