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#176
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I knew I wasn't missing out.
I went to a new years Party with my parents Because my pals had No idea where they Were going to end up. So my parents Would Have made me get Back for the bells At new year at 12. And not going at all Would mean that I wouldn't get Laughed at, at school For still having a curfew When In was fifteen. And I was relieved I never joined 4s3x and The bubbly girl who Was in our gang For a while. Because They played spin the Bottle. I had kissed boys. Still, I would have hated it. And considering they Evaluated everybodies Kissing ability, I breathed A sight of relief. I watched chewing The fat with the Adults until I was Bored then went And played spyro the Dragon With the oldest kids up stairs. Then came back down And spoke with With women in kitchen Had a couple of Blue wickeds and food. Then got bored And listened to Some songs, to recoup Back up stairs, Pretending I was back On the play station. When really I was Thinking I should be With my pals. Or That somebody would Be wondering why I wasn't with pals. But I couldnt invite A Friend to this Party for an hour Because my friends Were nuts! And would Have been half cut. My parents would Have made them leave. I could have met Them for a while Then went back To the Party, But negotiating with My parents was A war I would never win. What's wrong with Spending new year With your family And family friends anyway? My pals parents Didn't do anything so They had to find Their own entertainment. When I was 18 Going to my local Pub was great Some weekends and I was happy being Around familiar people I grew up with. And meeting new folk. If there was a competition Night it was packed. It wasn't half bad. So I missed the boat. I can find another way. I'll find a job where I can be trained up. I can study online. I can get an apprenticeship. A woman tried to Get me a job At a distillery but I didn't have a car. I was lucky this Ruled me out of An interview as I doubt I would not Have had the confidence To trump the competition At the time. And I'm not sure I was ready for This type of job. The bottling line, possibly. But they knew I Was supposed to be bright So they put a word In For me to train As a tour guide. I felt so obtuse For getting my hopes up, And letting them down. I could never have Afforded a car Without help on the 16-18 Year olds wage. I would have to save Up for the car. Which would have Taken the best part Of a year. Even A scooter would Have taken time And on stormy days I couldnt chance it. And to be honest I didn't fancy my Chances of surviving When on a scooter If an accident occurred. Me and Fred dropped In to my parents pals One new year, After being up town And Fred was bored to tears. We came the Following new year. After being at one Of Freds friends parties. We left to go To Irish bar and The guy was wrecked. We decided to split. So we popped past My mum and dad's pals And then seen My grand parents. We didn't want To go to the town hall. If it wasn't great Or not busy and taxis Home near impossible. So see friends, see What towns like Then end the night First footing at family. Best of both worlds. The new year I turned nineteen Is still lodged in My memory. My Life was in turmoil. But the proclaimers Came on when it Hit 12 and a whole Bunch of us got In a circle and danced. Friends and friends of friends. Linked shoulder to shoulder. My pal got snapping. And it was a happy moment. Best night out I ever had in my hometown. I just forgot about The depression I was in. And felt part of Something for the First time in six months After I had been un well. Best Hogmanay I had. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Oct 13, 2018 at 10:00 AM. |
#177
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I landed lucky
To get a gig Where I got to Hide out back For long stretches. When I passed My driving, everyone Got me a card. On my 21st "my machine" Was decorated with Banners and balloons And it made me smile. It wasn't ideal, But it was the Best I could of done With the opportunities That were available. For young women In this area retail or care Are the main two options. I did feel fortunate To just have a job With full time hours as well. |
#178
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I got little cleaning job
To boost my earnings. Two hours three days a week. Then the odd day at Weekend once to twice a month. But I was regarded with Suspicion because of My stint in rehab. At least that's how I felt. So I wasn't The cheery one Who yapped away To the security guards And some of the Shop keepers. I just Didn't know how People viewed me anymore. I was terrified Of rejection so I Spoke to whoever Was open with me first. And my time there Wasn't wasted. I got Some sound advice And reassurance. That I really did treasure. |
#179
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I felt terrible for
Being thick as a thief. But I was young. You were a grown man, And still you had To make juvenile jokes, To impress a gang of lads. And you didn't show one Ounce of remorse. You would invite yourself Along to have lunch With them if You spotted then uptown. Then you slept with One of their ex girlfriends. A girl 15+ years your jr. And they were stunned With your deceit Because you denied it. So they had enough. And they didn't find Your jokes against me Funny or clever. They Found you "sleekit" Not to be trusted. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Oct 14, 2018 at 09:35 AM. |
#180
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Quote:
The alcohol speaking A lot of the time. I don't believe that Alcohol is a truth Serum or it represented Someone's true views and intentions. When it comes to Thoughts and feelings Alcohol clouds everyones Judgement. Especially if Your stressed, tired and Drunk to boot. It was the drink talking. |
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#181
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He was "on the wind up"
He was being a Wind up merchant, And trying to be funny. Boys & Men are Notorious for it and I took it at face value. Many Scottish men Start jokes with This person I know, Is the worlds worst for.. . |
#182
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We know Gran
Has alcohol problems. We know she has Been so hasty To get her bottle That she has left The dog a hundred and one Times. Using it as an excuse. She forgot my brothers Bike when she Was taking him To the shop for a sweet. What can we do? We know she is Lonely because she Retired too early. My Grandad works Non stop. He knows. We all know. We all know this side Of town knows. But you cannot help A person who does not Want help. She Just makes excuses When we try. Go and join a bridge club. I don't like buses. What can we do, To stop the drinking? Lock an OAP in a room On her own, against her will? Make her go cold turkey? Until she has a seizure? Nobody does that. She has a grudge Against Grandad for Moving here. Apart From oor flustered, She misses her Friends from England. Its not easy making Friends the older you get. You lose friends At their age faster Than making them. My Gran wanted To be a chemist. So what happened? Grandad was Navy. She didn't have Much help when Raising her family. She stayed at home. She enjoyed working At a betting shop Because back then She had to calculate Some of the math manually. She was intelligent. My mum says, That my Grandfather Actually had some Sort of breakdown. I am not sure when. But seeing as he Became an orphan At a young age, He didn't have a strong Support network and He was the one Supporting his family. He must have felt Lonely too. When My grandparents married, My Gran recounted how His excitement turned To sadness when He realised that, He didn't have family To invite. My Grans Mum died young From a brain tumour And my Gran quit Work to help out. So when my Grandfather Passed and her health Was in decline, she Expected my mum To make sacrifices. My mum resented Making sacrifices for Me and my brother. And she made such A song and dance About my Gran. Maybe if she had Considered what my Grandfather would have Thought about all Her histrionics, she May have been More patient. It Was probably my Own father who broke Her patience. I Know he tested mine. He lost me too. It was his fault. My father never Got over my mum. And he left Her with emotional Scars. She yelled At him every single Time she saw him. Me on the stairs. Making this scene Etched on my Memory. Scared and Confused. And this, Being in the middle Of a war just Passed on our Families prided tradition: Loneliness is inevitable. I was mad At him, my father. But because of his ill health I Harboured no resentment. I know my step dad Was more of a dad. But he didn't understand How to raise A kid who was more Academically inclined than practical. And my mum and him Messed up big time. They made it up To me while my Father. He never got Me either. Because, He wanted a son. I never did sport To please him though. It saved me from The streets. My father Didn't know what He wanted really. To go watch his kid Play football at The weekends. Sorry Not me. What are You going to be? I didn't have to be In uniform, I didn't Need a title. I didn't Want to tempt fate. I knew if i told Him he would just tutt, And not understand. What kid envisions Themselves in an office In a business or corporation? Stuck behind a computer Screen all day. Thats where money and Success seems to lie In modern life. Kids want to be Saving the world as Fire fighters, doctors and Nurses. My mum laughed At my childhood dreams. When I took a year Out my father Muttered about girls Doing modern apprenticeships. An office one. Yes But I lacked confidence. The key ingredients. I got anxious on The tills at the supermarket. I hated small talk. I had no intersest in Car engine's. In fixing things. I liked to paint my nails And avoid splinters At all cost. My brothers future Was all set for him. Sometimes when you Hit out at the world It hits back ten times As hard as I Was to find out. I got unwell. And Everything went the other Direction. From pressure To be something, To something else. To unknown territory. To ending up with An emotionally unavailable man. Who in a photo I took, I saw the same Angry/depressed stance Like my own blood father. To nearly crying when The job centre advisor Tried to recommend A company her Daughter my age just Secured a job with. Does'nt mean I will. My mums not like you. She must get that All the time. Thinking These defeated youngsters. One said "cant your friends Help you get something." Not now they couldn't. I am just out of hospital. I didn't say. I also didnt say, None of my friends Visited me in hospital Because there are No flowers or cards In the psych ward. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Oct 16, 2018 at 06:12 PM. |
#183
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Quote:
Levels are fine on my tablet. On a different med, they stopped. But adding a diff AP Would have helped this I was advised. But I needed to switch For other reasons. I Don't think it would Be fair to let this happen To a female patient and the Doctor refusing to change The medication. Conspiracy Theorists would love this Nugget of information. A drugs for treating Mental health disorders That stops womens cycles/menses As a side effect. The article entitled: Doctors steralising patients With prescribed mediction. Thats not the case. Once drug is changed The cycle returns to normal. I guess its not fair To ignore male patients In their department either. How many would Come clean to their psych Even if they thought It was the drug? With these drugs a lot Of the time you have To weigh up the pro's and cons. And the doctors seem To try and avoid The muddier side to them. |
#184
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Everyone knew I was shy.
Everyone knew I was Only loud and hyper When my friends were working. I only larked around With some people. They tryed playing doctor, Put two and two Together and reached 500! I was naturally hyper When I had a Partner in crime. On my own I was A bag of nerves. Like most youths I showed off for my Friends or when I had The right audience. I would have did More time on the tills And found out how To relax, and ease myself Into proper small talk But I was enraged when My thug coach made Fun of me for being Till trained as my first boss And him were friends. So I avoided Them on purpose. If there was no one In I got on with too well I exchanged pleasantries And I got stuck into My work. I never acted Ambivalent to anyone. Unless I made a joke Because my friend Was with me In the passing. And I was such a thinker That sometimes I apologised To them later. When Your doing a menial Job theres time to think. And I am a deep thinker Who just so happens To like to perform. Or as I have put it In the past: have a blow out. My ability to adapt Was mistaken as a flaw. In my previous job You couldnt be yourself It was doing drills And you had to play a role. With this job I could be myself With tact of course. I was young and I Was trying to come Out of my shell. Failing miserably at times. I was funny with friends. But I worked in full View of the public With security cameras Everywhere for 24/7. I felt nervous at work. The moral of the story is: Leave the psychology To the experts everyone Or you can do more Damage than good. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Oct 23, 2018 at 01:18 PM. |
#185
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I can fully understand
Your frustation that I Was deployed to a team Which consisted of some Of the highest skilled workers. And I had no experience. Not even anything similar. The clientelle were Often situated out with The town meaning Many were well off Or expected their matters Were kept as private As possible and expexted Well trained and Professional staff. I Needed a placement In a real setting. The theory would not Have been enough. But I was used To being thrown in The deep end that I thought this was The only way to learn. And my experiences Had taught me how To hang on in there. I just had it lodged That I could not Quit unless I had Another job to go to. The reasons layed with Fred and my family who Had subjected me To years of verbal abuse Undermining my strength Of character and sense Of responsibility so I was afraid that My fragile ego Could not cope Unless I had a Means to support myself. Your reservations were justified. I was too stubborn To admit I was in Over my head And this job was Going against the grain. This was alien territory For me and I was also A little conceited to Believe I could Fit into the mould And not feel like a fraud. Which I did. Feel fake. My problems rested With people closer to home. There just was not Many opportunities for Youngsters in my area. But I was by far Not the only one person In their early twenties To come face to face With the same Catch 22 situation. I needed employment. A grant from college Could not support Me to pay bills And only work part time. And online studying Was not only isolating But would take twice As long while working. So I was in a quandary: I had dropped out But failed to secure An office junior or apprenticeship That I sought. I Found myself looking at just, A means to an end. Accepting the first Job I could get my Hands on with no Intention of staying. Therefore like school I would never apply myself. Maintaining the shallowest Relationships I could, With my colleagues. So I made enemies But rarely made friends. And my sense of worth Was further disintegrating. Creating more friction. In my home life as I was exasperated at my Present situation and Being in a dead end Job forever more. It wasn't just the job. With little money, It meant not much Of a life outside work. I knew the reason. It was the hospital. And my life revolved Around trying to Keep Fred happy. I owed him after all. I do not think he would Have accepted the job He was offered By an old employer Who had branched out If I said he obviously Wasn't content in his Previous job and to do it, And jump ship. I would be kept awake Agonising over how I could support my Future family with Fred. I did think of these things. Maybe not out loud. Just passing little notions. At night when it Was quiet before drifting off. A sting of woe. And the only thing I wanted from Fred Was for him to Let me go. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Oct 23, 2018 at 04:55 PM. |
#186
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Fred did not object
When I said we are Over and after my Grandfathers funeral I Am leaving. My mum Wanted Fred to have A cord at his funeral. And it just came out. No thats not possible, We have agreed to separate. We have getting along Better this past while. Have we not ? Fred said. We had stopped fighting. But where are we going now? There's something missing. And we both could feel it. |
#187
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That night Fred went
Out all alone and invited a group Of strange guys back to The house. We had spoke To one at my local once Or twice. That was it. I would have stayed Longer and not Have moved into My Grans house. But Fred made me Sleep on the sofa. And demanded I leave his House and I took My clothes and left. He was so desperate To not appear alone. The guy he invited Was renowned for Being a bit of a drooth. He worked for his dad And missed work In favour of drinking And went on benders. He just went where the Wind blew. Or where The beer was. So Fred Knew he would not Turn down an after Party if he offered. The source of many Of our fights was That we did everything Together and needed to Get something of our own. I had to leave in Order for Fred to be Shaken up enough To get his act together. For him to see we Needed to meet new people. And everyone thought We would get back together. His family got a bed For the spare room, I saw when I went To collect some of My belongings. I barely Got a grunt out of Fred. What have you told Your family? They know The score don't they? Have you got what You want? He said. That beds for me I was thinking. But Fred couldn't even be civil. I couldnt squeeze one Word from him. So that was it. Both our minds Had been made up. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Oct 24, 2018 at 09:44 AM. |
#188
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I was not going
Back to Fred, end Of story I told my family. Even after all He has done for you The poor lad? My family would Never regard me With the repsect I deserved no matter What I did. Even Before I was unwell They did not Listen to any of The encouragement that My teachers gave. And that my plan Falling through was For the best. I got the help I needed in rehab. Just like last time I sped up the process. I could have Done the year in Glasgow or Don. But a stitch in Time saves nine. I know Fred was Hurting and that His family expected Me to return to him Hence why the spare Room was furnished. But he must have Known that we could Not reconcile our Differences and that This 6 year mark was The natural end Of our relationship. |
#189
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Fred must know he
Over stepped the mark One too many times. That he only treated me The way he did because He thought I was not Strong after needing A spell in Hospital rehab. He said you'll get A lucky break at some point. But I am not sure, He wanted it to happen. |
#190
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I have a feeling that
Everyone thought I just needed to Get it all out of my system. Realise that I could Never have what I Thought I could have Before this breakdown. That most of the time Cuts young men and women Down in their prime. I would go to college In the city for a year And then come Crawling back to Fred, Maybe even after Three months or so. I was too used to Having a regular stream of Income that I would Give up the ghost and Come to my senses And see that Fred Was indeed a knight In shining armour. The grass is not Always greener on The other side. |
#191
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My dad seen the light
When I was in hospital. And he saw that I could not take Being with Fred anymore. And he hoped That I did go back To college and do The access to nursing. If you are trained The world is your oyster. But I had the time To reflect and I realised How broken I was, Emotionally exhausted And that this time I needed to take at Least a year out. And I could only do It away from the pressure Of my family. And I guess I went down The beaten and abused Wives road where I was awarded temporary Accommodation to get well. Like womens aid , I qualified for a fresh start. Because the nurses Told me I had to Not cut my nose off To spite my face As one said. It was not easy to Admit that I faced Domestic abuse with both My ex boyfriend and if I stayed with my family. Once you reach a Certain age staying With family can only Really be temporary Anyway until back on feet. And without these Safety nets that Were in place I would Not have met new Friends that have Been through hard times Like I have, And I would not have Had the space and time Away from family and We may have cut All the ties altogether. |
#192
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I thought if I went
To local college there Was more chance History would repeat itself And I would quit To work or there was More of a chance Someone would find Out about me being In the hospital rehab. When I was out With Fred one night A man who went to My old sports club Shouted your a slut In my ear on his Way to the bar and It was laced with Vehemence, he meant To put me down. And as I cleared it Up before the guy Lied about me on The sofa and I had Only slept with one Person before Fred. So this also made Me adament that I Needed a fresh start Somewhere else away From small minded gossip. I did not see much Hope mending old Ties with acquaintances That used to be friends. If I spread my wings I could escape the Ghosts of my past. But I know that You can't fool everyone And if someone Eyed me with suspicion I would have to keep Moving and I would One day look in The mirror and see This lonely bedraggled Person looking back. Each relationship falling Flat when I revealed, The reasons why I was drifting. And freedom would Turn to depair and loneliness. |
#193
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[QUOTE=Balthascar810;6313363]I thought if I went
To local college there Was more chance History would repeat itself And I would quit To work or there was More of a chance Someone would find Out about me being In the hospital rehab. When I was out With Fred one night A man who went to My old sports club Shouted your a slut In my ear on his Way to the bar and It was laced with Vehemence, he meant To put me down. And as I cleared it Up before the guy Lied about me on The sofa and I had Only slept with one Person before Fred. So this also made Me adament that I Needed a fresh start Somewhere else away From small minded gossip. I did not see much Hope mending old Ties with acquaintances That used to be friends. If I spread my wings I could escape the Ghosts of my past. But I know that You can't fool everyone And if someone Eyed me with suspicion I would have to keep On moving around. Each relationship falling Flat when I revealed, The reasons why I was drifting. Yes this solitary pill Is for a mood disorder. So you are crazy? No. But. I am not perfect. And freedom would Turn to despair and loneliness |
#194
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I never got
My subject choices But I was young And stil felt I had All the time in the world And I would figure out What was next. Rather than jumping Into the complete unknown. When I left the Following year I found Myself at a factory. Then a supermarket. I thought I will do My highers at college. The students will be More mature and a change Of scenery. But I was Holding back depression. I cried in psychology. Dropped it, and biology. I couldnt fit in maths or computing Around my work. And I needed my work To pay for my sport, That I had rapidly Rose high in much To some people's surprise And others chagrin. So I decided to keep My brain ticking and For a chance in future At art school and that higher English would keep The gears from grinding To a halt. But a substitute Teacher put me in A sticky spot in a very Academically worded rather Than poetic article And I struggled to Produce the answer. And they made me Feel disappointed in myself Because they did not Try and help and said You have nothing? Not a clue? And a young me, Closed up like a clam. As students dropped Like flies to work, I joined the ranks And moved in with Some friends so I Needed work even more now. |
#195
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I wasn't angry you
Wanted to stop seeing me. I was relieved. I lived in a cramped Council flat and I Was not a popular person. Your parents were Educated secondary teachers. You had such a hectic Social life that you Would not even walk Me to the bus stop When I wasn't 100% Sure where it was. Me and my friends Were forthcoming and a Bit wild and rough Around the edges. I knew that this Wasn't built to last. That we, my friend and I Were to these boys, just A passing flirtation. My boyfriend only phoned When he was drunk. He was so abrupt On text I didn't phone often. While my friend would Brag on about being On the phone for an hour And a half, like soul mates. If I didn't have this Burgeoning sport career I would not have Even went on a first date After meeting this boy In the club. And If I didn't have this Childhood friend of mine With such gusto To seize the moment Saying come with me And speak to him. A girl in one of My classes said she Did not think of The future enough. She was only Thinking of right now. That she may regret, Her promiscuous ways, Come later days. |
#196
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I did not do tkd
Because I was bullied. Nobody touched me Whatsoever in Primary. And at high school I gave as good as I got. I was not even picked on. I think one girl Wanted an old friend All to herself so it Was only when she Was around that They lauged at my Celebration at a strike Or when I found it Difficult to hear a soft Spoken teacher that I leant in like a Pecking pigeon. My dad asked why They never invited me Out and I should Try get new friends. And so I did. At work I only Glanced away from the Board for a short spell. I was listening and Had memorised the board. The sun was shining Through the window too. And maybe my second Boss assumed I did Not like kids because I did martial arts so Maybe I was bullied. No I started because A friend with her yellow Belt had a tkd birthday cake So me and my brother Wanted to take lessons As a hobby thinking It was cool back then. I was just shy and At 17 was not broody. |
#197
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I will completely
Avoid talking about The flat, incase I get arrested by The Voltori. I do Not care. I talk Openly like I would If a bee stung me. I am moody when There is nothing On the box. Been using my Trigger, pinky finger to Operate the remote And all I could Find was horrors With worse actresses Than the descent. Pinky promise. I Never went to Brownies so cannot Do their sign. I would just get Blamed for tanning All the better looking Cookies in the jar anyway. |
#198
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You need to be vocal.
I am quite tall 5'7. Lost my puppy fat, In the mid teens. I was only sixteen. I trained more because One: I was not allowed To got to my Friends hangout at Their older boyfriends house And the second being: I wasn't able To go to my My Grandparents since My Mum picked me To take her complaints Out on. She is never Happy unless she has Someone or something To moan about. So paul was put Up on a pedestal But I was damned. I had done nothing wrong. I never drunk at weekends. Nothing. So at my grandparents I was Not greeted kindly. In fact they treated Me like a spoilt brat Or ungrateful more accurately. But I was not at all. And my mum pulled The wool over their eyes. I did not even get Lunch money for Every day of the week. And I tried to bury my Feelings and toughen up. I applied for a weekend Job and the woman Knew thug. So coincidentally I did not get the job. He would not have Hesitated to say that I was not the most Confident of "his pupils." So when I begun Teaching and bag circuit I was lean as a whippet. And I still ate A LOT. Thug went to town On me for eating Food from the chip shop On a break saying His gym would smell Of greasy unhealthy food. I also missed out On relaxing at my grandparents Not just my Grans Wholesome home cooking. I was exercising more, Eating more after I lost the puppyfat. I spent more money On food than music or magazines. Buying wraps, sandwiches Food while on the go All the time like the bakers. I would sometimes Stand and read magazine Articles in the shop. I am surprised I was Never approached by A sales worker and asked Are you going to buy that? I can see why R.r. coach Thought I looked Like an ideal high jumper. My teammates with Their fast twitch muscles Could have been runners. And were more talented Than I was. More confident. And better looking. I was intelligent And a natural at timing And had potential. I was good at martial arts. But I just was Not good enough. I lacked a certain conviction. I would rather have Got into a good university Than the British Team. A solid dependable Degree would not disappear And set me up for life. I could not even Get a referenece from thug And I thought all That hard work just Went down the drain. I never spoke of what Could have been After rehab. I cut Myself off from it Completely. I just Thought : if the Scots Have such big hearts Why do I feel like My whole community Sees me as an outcast. I felt like nobody was Even giving me a chance. I was marked, stigmatised And thrown on the scrap heap. Such a big hearted community. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 02, 2018 at 08:47 AM. |
#199
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Like many youths
I was not sure what I wanted to do. I Only applied to the Navy because It was A get out of jail Free card. Just A way to get out Of this town that Had backwards views Of people who Recieved psychiatric care. Many still calling it By its name it was Called 150 years passed. And some confusing it With a home for People who were deemed Mentally handicapped back When it was called, Bilbohall funny farm. I would not have Passed the running test If I had even tried To pass the interview. I had been on Strong medication like Any other illness. To re-align the chemical Imbalance in the brain From my breakdown. The man said I Am not sure you Scored high enough For the writers job. I don't think he Even read all my Application, he just Saw a timid young girl. Who struggled to cover Her slang in answers So I did hang back And took my time answering. He would have seen This delay. He mistook It for not having enough Social interaction with peers. When the opposite was true. Granted my highers Did not reflect what I was capable of. And my Art teacher Hit the roof I was Informed by a clasmate. My design project was Left slightly abandoned. The final drawing, Was full of rubber stains. I withdrew from The maths exam. Better nothing than A big fat F for fail. And I was a whisker Away from passing French. But I was glad To get the glaring eye Of expectation off of me. But I said "Logistics" first As my grades were Just short of the writers job. And he told me There was a waiting List longer than His arm, two to three Years if I recall For the writers position. So I can see why He would have been Trying to push me To the Logistics jobs. I did not say I Wanted to make my Father proud and when He questioned how fit I was becauase of My "slight" build I never told him I was in the running For the British Squad Only a year earlier. I cannot remember if I said I would like To make my grandad proud. That he was a pilots mate. If I really wanted To go to the training camp I would have brought My A game. But my Heart was not in it. And when I told My Grand parents I Don't think I would like To put my life in someone Else's hands for seven year's, Not be in control Of my own destiny. My grandfather blew A gasket and said Heavens above I cannot Believe my ears, You used to have your Head screwed on Whatever happened to you. You blew your only Other chance. Now You expect "Love on the dole." He quoted a famous book. And was evidently Angry and a bit ashamed That I was 18 and Had to go to the "Dole office" to "sign on." My parents got the Forms for incapacity Benefit before I was Discharged from hospital. And my mum gave Them to my Grandad. She could have Done them or I could Have done them with A cpn but this was Her second slap To my face. My Grandfather was the nucleus To our family and My mum wanted Him to see how Serious this was. That I was legitimately "Ill" as these Forms would confirm. Mental health is counted As a reason to avoid Participating in the working world. But I quickly switched To job seekers because Even though I needed More time to rest, It gave me hope. My family were ashamed Of me and David Was brainwashed with Draconian views of People who had been Through mental health problems. Depression is for the Weak and feeble. And I was "a pahetic Excuse for a human being." His exact statement. I was only there a month. I think the doctor Must have had a heavy Work load or I may Have been placed on The six month stay. My Mum lapped up Everything David said. I see her at home If he corrects her She turns into an Obediant child and agrees. She took his side. He was the bread winner After all, and my mum Never worked more than Part time hours since I had been born. David was and still is Head of the household. I think if my grandparents Were not around Then they would Have said pack Your bags, we won't Have a free loader. You can't expect Us to look after you All your life. So David said he Wished I had got Ill sooner then I Could have been placed Into the care system. Well, at least I Would have got My own flat when They saw I was capable. And my parents Could have sent Me to the council Office with a suitcase And I would say: I am now homeless. And the health care team Would maybe have had To place me on A cto first and my Soul would have Been crushed. I am unwanted. But I never even Argued with my parents. If they fetched me From somewhere so I did not drink, I just listened To the right music I did all the housework Everyday. I went To the job centre Even though it killed me If I got a not so Sympathetic job officer. I saw Fred even though Him telling me that I would be best Being his house wife And keeping away From stress as a career Would be too risky And stressful for me now. My mum told people I probably would never Get better. I had Something wrong with me That must come from My blood fathers side Now and they were Awaiting results. They Came back inconclusive And I thanked My lucky stars. It was like being Told your in remission. I was given information Sheets that explained What I had experienced And been through. And not what I had. And I knew I Would get better. I am so glad that Sunny Disposition got that Job because I did not Have anyone in my Corner to rebuild My confidence and esteem. All this negativity, Ignited this spark In my brain and My belly. Gave me A fight I never Thought I would Have to engage in. But if life gives you lemons Then you make lemonade. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 02, 2018 at 04:58 PM. |
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I was only a kid.
And that teacher Was wrong to Have reacted the Way she did. But I am fortunate She left because I knew she was Jealous of my story writing. I think I figured it Out when the teachers Would read out This one specific pupils Poems and I really Admired them. I thought I was just more Of a logical thinker. That it was just A result of me Getting older that I had Lost my story telling flow. I reached the conclusion that the Mind is more free And playful as a young child And imagination gives Way to real life and discipline. I couldn't have known That I had changed Because of a traumatic Ordeal at the Hands of a teacher. Because my teachers Are the ones Who have inspired me More than anyone. I feel guiltier for Letting them down Than my own family. So I can forgive One bad egg. That they could have Been having a hard Time in their life Or were simlpy having A really bad day. And I did have A form of writers block. I had developed stronger Defence mechanisms as a result. The kids did One ryhme like kids do. It was like gossip Pass on my germs. The next day it Was someone else. It was that fleeting. We got a new teacher And they were ok. I have no idea if They knew I was The reason the last left. I was never picked On constantly for one Thing. My bra size. In high school. But every girl in The planet worries About their body. And the girls Grew scared of me. I was not like judo. A girl drew on my jumper And I reduced her to tears. I did not feel satisfied With upsetting them. I felt I lost control and Said too much. And I am glad That Mersey held Me back, from Leaping at two girls. And pulling her red Thong up over her Shoulders and telling Her to cover it up If she wore it two Days running next time. Hardly any wonder Why she was Reported publicy by grafiti in a Pub cubicle for having crabs. And big bird was Ok with me when Her muckers were absent. She said I was Pretty enough to be A hair model. She and Mersey were Both talented and I respected them. And in a way They respected me. For being intelligent, But being able To handle myself. Mersey actually helped Me laugh off a time I had to run out Of music to the Ceramic telephone. And One of the girls I nearly leapt To pummel actually Made me feel More secure with My appearance and body image When we re-united. Without my humour As a self defence mechanism I may not have made More friends after David Said I needed to. I still was not accepted By one half as they Thought I was "too brainy." I would have done Better if the p2 incident Never happened. Yet I was still regarded as A force to be reckoned with. What could I have achieved If it never happened? It was a blessing In disguise. It Made my life harder. It set me on a different course. I would never have excelled At sport as I would Have stuck at just school work. I would never have Excelled at art. And with The breakdown it saved me. I would never have Had the fun I did With my friends, even If I do wince at Rebelling a bit far. So all being said. I DO forgive the teacher. I understand that she Thought the person Had to admit The responsibility. That Is what school is Supposed to do. Make Us responsible adults. I am sorry I spoke About it at sport class. And I promise to Let sleeping dogs lie. Last edited by Anonymous32895; Nov 02, 2018 at 04:57 PM. |
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