An Audi TT

I was a conscientious objector
When it came to team games.
Or was it my confidence?
Either way, I always
Found a way to slink off.
Hockey. Left the stick
And went to vending machine.
Oh wondered what
Happened to you?
Nah, no one ever did
Say anything except
Dad's perfume. You
Are not scared
To be a rebel.
I went through a phase
In first two years of
High school. I do not
Like these people
So I won't be on anyones team.
At football I chose
To be the goal keeper.
And nobody wants
To be relegated as keeper.
I volunteered as tribute.
I just did not have
The front to shout:
Pass to me. Over here.
If I knocked someone
Over I would be like
Oh god, i am so sorry
Let me help you up.
I did not have the
Killer intinct for sport.
And one girl,
Said I reminded her of
Darius, can you feel
The love in the room Danesh.
Calling me a flake.
She did not know
Why I reminded her
I think she was
Just used to saying
What was on her mind.
Youngest sister syndrome.
I never had reasons
To fight in primary.
But as the pressure
Mounted, from home
And I learnt that
I would get nowhere
If I stayed a wishy washy liberal
Sitting on the fence.
I begun to change.
Being a wall
Flower for a short time
Had brought me attention
Instead of letting me be.
Because I did not
Seem to care that
I had not seen
My friends for weeks.
I did martial arts.
Watched tv with my parents.
Did my homework.
Played video games.
And still spoke to
People at school.
I did not go to
The youth cafe with
My buddies who
Were jilted anyway.
I did not drink tia maria
Every second weekend
With them on streets
If they could even afford it.
Where did I get
This self assuredness from?
I did not have a boyfriend
And I was not popular
And I was clever
But not exactly a prodigy.
I was not really top,
In anything at high school.
The teachers just
Knew I did not try
Hard and still passed.
And I was warned
If I did not apply
Myself that highers
Would not come easy.
They were right.
But theres more
Than one way
To skin a cat.
And when it comes
To work, out there
Outside of the class room
I knew I was
On the money.
That balance between
Knowing your stuff
And knowing what
Makes people tick,
Can tip the scales
In your favour.
I have seen manipulation
Tactics in all its guises.
And I refused to
Play the games.
I witnessed them.
Moving the goal posts
At work, that was
An interesting one.
As if we were not
All ready pushed for time.
10 to 15 mins for a client.
No room for set backs
Or acts of god, weather delay.
Being two faced.
The most common.
I refused to play.
They know how to
Work the boss.
To me that spelled
A sook or a^s kisser.
You act like a tough nut
All the time said one,
As I would not compromise
And spilled the beans
On the frosty atmosphere.
Or another, goodness
You can be blunt.
And when I said
Absent minded we agreed
I was scatty. I Never
Thought I was considered
A tough nut. I thought
They saw me as some,
Socially awkward nerd
Not an ignorant hard ***
Who did not care
What others perceived
Them to be.

I did not leave
The company because
Of turbo shandy.
I left because I
Had bills to pay
And not having
A fixed contract
Was a worry for me.
When I spoke
About trying for
A different company,
My Grandad said
That he did not
Like the sound of
The one I was with
From what me and
Fred divulged on.
So that was enough
To spur me to
Try and jump ship.
As I was used
To my own devices
With employment since
My month in rehab at 18.
So if Grandad was concerned
Then what did I
Have to lose.
I had a thick skin now,
So when hiccups
Happened like a
Pad coming loose
Or forgetting to put
Someones hearing aid in
Until lunch time,
Or not noticing
A house had an hour and a half
And not just one and
I busted my gut to
Get it done quick and
They still complaine D.
I took it on the chin.

So Someone seen
Me taking paracetamol
In the staff room.
I was training
With the British
Olympic Team! How
On earth would
I get past the doping
Screening if I were
On medication that
Altered brain chemistry?
Medication that improves
Your physical functioning,
Would without a doubt
Be classified as cheating.
Always flying? I guess
That was a taste
Of my own alternate medicine.
Self destructive behaviour
In teenagers is not
Really that uncommon.
So where does growing
Pains end and the
Illness begins is difficult
To others even
Those in mental health.
From knowing in your
Head to then getting
It on paper and then
To somehow get that
Right moment for
The words to form on
Your tongue and leave
Your lips, takes years.
Years of healing.
Years of soul searching.
Years of sweat and tears.
And luck to have
Survived in the first place.

New partner? No
We were only friends.
She was a self-confessed-
Butch and that is
Not my type. What so ever.

When are you
Doing your nursing.
Sorry. Remember that
Every single person
Is an individual
When you study the NMC code.
I am sure you will
Be a good and attentive Nurse.
And it was nice
Of you to challenge en-vogue,
In my defence.
It was very helpful,
And it shows you
Have the empathy
And the intelligence,
For the caring profession.
Thanks. Bye. Go for it.

In essence, I could
Have returned to my family
After the three months.
I could have ignored
The advice from
The trained professionals
And tak tik toed,
Back to my family.
But I swallowed my pride.
I know that it
Would have been awkward
For everyone, having
Me around and the
Dust has not really
Ever settled. And
Mum was not
In a good place
After her dad, my grandad
Had passed away.
The doctors would have
Let me go in 6 to 8
Weeks and not
Harbour me longer
Than they needed.
David would have
Been ok truth be told
It was me who
Tried to dig up dead wood
With him, but my
Life was in ruins.
And I was too old
To blame my parents now
Was the way he saw it.
So I got a weekend pass,
Hoping that my parents
Would see sense and
Let me stay at theirs.
But they said sorry
No room at the inn.
There is only Grans.
And in my head
I was screaming.
I can't. I can't. Anywhere.
Anywhere but there.
A doctor and nurse
Said if anything happens
We are here around
The clock. Ok, I nodded.
I huddled in the spare room.
Gran was calm and
Cordial enough. I
Had a bath. Had tea.
Flitted to the kitchen,
Only when I had to.

I kept being woken
Up through the night
Because my alcoholic gran
Kept running past,
Back and forth
To the bathroom
With her alcohol induced
Gastroenteritis. So
In the small hours
I hopped on my bike,
And listened to
The advice or foresight
As it may have been.
I felt I was just tossed
Into the only free
Space available that
Was my Grans house.
So I did feel unwelcome
And unwnanted by them.
It did not take a professional
To foresee that
I would never get a
Chance to recover,
Under the same roof
As an alcoholic, still in
Bereavement. And
After they found
Out how I was treated
The time before,
They told me there
Are other options.
I DID have a choice.
I could choose not
To put myself in jeopardy,
And accept help.
We are here to help you.
Nobody gets thrown
On the streets, trust us.

I went back to
Collect some clothes
A few day's later.
My mum sealed it
For me when she
Fashioned up a scene
That was obviously a set up.
My gran was sitting
In the middle of
The kitchen, away from
The kitchen table
And mum was behind her.
Pointed at the doorway.
I knew right away
They were waiting
For me. And when I
Came in the door,
The room I needed
Was opposite the kitchen
My mum folded her arms
And said "YOU! Child!"
"Look how upset
Your Gran is. " And on cue
Gran burst into crocodile tears.
"It's a Coincidence that
Gran started hiding the
Bottles when you came.
You drove her to drink."
My mum was harsh
With words at best of times,
Speaking without thinking.
But THIS accusation?
I never expected it.
I know losing Grandad
Would be hard but,
This was inexcusable.
My Gran had been a user
For decades and was
Always a drinker.
This broke my heart.
I took her to bingo,
And the vets and shopping.
So I dashed round
The spare room
For what I needed and
Left the key. Click.
Here's my key.
I do not need anything else.
And all I got was
My gran pretending to
Wipe a tear and my
Mum narrowing her
Eyes at me.
The same green,
Cat shaped eyes,
I had inherited.

Tust us. You need
A rain check. Look,
Your plan is far
Too risky in your
Condition. Speak to
The social workers.
Me:"So what happens now?
I have nowhere to go then?"
That is why you
Need to speak to
The social workers.
And a tear escaped
When I sat down.
Ok, it is better this way
I know it is hard to start,
And I feel for your situation.
Now pull yourself together.
They are not the enemy.
Quit giving us attitude,
We want to help.
Me: "Ok, I apologise but
My life is ..in shambles."
Tell the social worker.
I will get them booked
To see you.
You were barely in
The land of the living
When you arrived.
Granted I have seen worse.
But you are still
In bad shape.
You need TIME,
To sort your life out.
We are clear now.
When the door slides
Shut, I hope I get
Down the corridor
Without anyone seeing
I had tears in my eyes.

Sorry to both of you
For my abhorrent attitude
During my stay.
I just want to say
I had not seen much
Kindness in my life
Between my first admission
And that one.
I apologise profusely
Because Von D was right,
My comments were
Not acceptable and were
Not a reflection on you
But my coping mechanism.
I was wrong and would
Not have said any
Of them If I wasn't
So messed up.
I know you understand,
But I want to say sorry regardless.

((((Balthascar810))))

The only other time
Or place I will see
My blood father is
When we both
Go to hell.
So that means never.
If I learnt one
Thing from that
Temporary stay at
My Grans, mums mum.
Is that you tormented
Me at the wedding
Where I was caught
On camera throwing
A bit of a wobbler.
It was your ....fathers fault.
My Gran said. The ellipsis
Where the word got,
Stuck in her throat.
You were never a dad.
The prime reason
I will never exchange
One more word with
You is what do you think?
What did my mum
Finally confess to me
When both my real
Grandparents had passed?
You did not come and see
Me being born. There
Was nothing or nobody
Stopping you. So
For that reason alone
My mum had reason
To divorce you.
I had reasons to
Not come to the funeral.
I might not be at yours.
I will lay flowers,
Away from prying eyes.
I will visit your grave.
But I cannot come
To your funeral.
Sorry your life did
Not turn out the
Way you wanted.
But how many people's
Lives do!? You wanted a
Boy but got a girl.
You never wanted
To leave the army.
You never wanted
My mum to leave.
Will I shed your name?
I am undecided.

You left mt father.
You escaped so why
Did you have to
Poison my grandparents
Against me. I
Was a young girl who
Should have been
Living life. But nothing
I did would ever
Change the fact
That I was the product
Of a life you
Wanted to forget about.
Last week you said
After a tv programme
That you would
Turn the clock back
And not get married
Either. You would check
The obituaries everyweek
To see if he was dead.

Sorry for not being
That nice to you.
I just opened the door
And shut it in
Your face. So you
Posted the card
Through the door.
I think you would
Be an amazing friend.
I was too shy for
Boyfriends at the time
But that was not
A valid excuse.
Do you fancy getting
Back behind the bar Ark?
And I rolled my eyes.
You were a genuinely
Nice guy with
A good heart. I
Always fell for
The bad boys.

I wanted the
Relationship to end.
I kissed someone else.
When his friends
Told me about angel fish.
I suspected it was prestige.

Avoiding my till?
No I thought everyone
Knew I had been committed
For a month.
Hows team mate?
In the chemist.
You were making
Converstion and I
Thought nobody cares
What I do now
Or what I am doing.
Avoiding the subject
Was the best way.
I met lip in smiths.
And they said
At least your
Out of there and
I appreciated the honesty.
Goodbye.

In the pub.
Do not count on
The withdrawal method.
Pink helly hanson.
Your a snob
Never spoke at the
Burger van. And
Fred said she is
Forcing that. She
Never spoke to
Us either. She
Is just faking it
Till she makes it.
I don't blame her.
Had to go and
Get morning after.
And they see me
In waiting room
And they lift up
The mobile and
Fingers fly accross it.
Then FRED gets a
Text on way home.
I am fuming.
My parents asked FRED.
So I post it
All over my facebook.
Fuk you Jeremy Kyle.
Takes one to know one.

Jer had been invited
To a party by her work pal.
We were only 15.
She said we better
Not all crash it,
They said take
A couple of friends.
So me and Lucy
Got chosen to be
Her partners in crime.
I think because we
Were both reserved
And I was precocious
Around new people. I had
On my favourite
Top shop jeans
And a black vest top.
Me and Lucy spent
The night being
Kitchen wall flowers.
While Jer danced
On the table top
To baby got back by
Sir mix a lot.
You know the one, it starts:
I like big butts
And I cannot lie...
And I got told
By the hostess
That I was not drunk enough
After I called it quits.
After three or four alcopops.
It was one of my
First house parties
And I bought the
Indie rock rock album
I discovered on the hifi.
It was catchier
Than some of the
Bands that the
Neb gang listened to.

We went out to
The club just underage.
And the gorillaz
Came on and
We were on the
Dance floor and
The lyrics open
With: it's coming up,
It's coming up,
It's coming up; it's dare.
And they did
Impressions of something
Else coming up
With their fingers.
And I decided
To go and get
A shot at the bar.
I'm not with them.
They put their
Handbags down and
Danced in circles
Like we did at
Birthdays in the house.
And I said to
A girl at college
My pals are wild,
I just want the ground
To swallow me up.
And they went
Mad at me because
We got thrown
Out of one pub
Because I stole
The barmans foot lollipop.
I learnt my lesson.
They make me feel
That it is ME who
Does not know how
To behave from
That one time.
You were nowhere
Near as bad as them
When I saw you,
The lassie assured me.
Yeah well they go
Out in secret without
Me cause I am
Supposedly a drag
For not dancing
The whole night
Or wanting to pull.
Jer physically pulled
Me away from
Two guys I knew
Because she thinks
Everyone is like her
And I was flirting.
But I was speaking
With them as
I knew them as acquaintances.
And had a few shots.
And me friend said
Do you have on beer goggles?
I told her that,
Maybe I wanted
To be single and
Concentrate on my sport.
I can go out
And have fun
Without needing to "pull."

I have never been "fraped"
But what do you call
It when someone posts
A really bad drunken
Mugshot of you on Facebook?

My boss more or less
Said that she is
Permitted to feel
No guilt for complaining
When my work is
Not perfect because
They are my:
"Bread and butter."
My livelihood. Like
Do it right or
I will starve.

A deep deep depression.
I should have asked,
But I had my own secret.
It was just one of those
Nights, we were all tired.
You must have felt your
Brave disclosure was ignored.
The whole year and
I did not see an opening
To speak about my pain.
I did not get the
Buddhist story. Like
You did not get my
That is just stupid.
It is actually a legit
Survical instinct. I
Was a bit embarrassed
About working two
Jobs, one cleaning.
That was a reason
As well as my history.

A phobia. Could have
Just said spiders.
But I bring up
A childhood fear
Falling into black sea
And the barnacles
And seaweed.
It is a real phobia
Called trypophobia.

Anybody who is anybody
Gets into that sh&t hole
Excuse for a college.
Fred was just like Goose.
When I texted him
One night asking him
What had he been up to
My neighbour leant me
A film to watch, was relaxing
All he put back was
That is a sh&te film.
Ok so what are you up to
Then I just deleted it.
That was Goose.
Reggie did not get it.
His full surname ends in civic.
She found out before me.
And a woman I was
Seeing years ago
Was the same. I sure
Can pick them.
I said a band were legends
When they popped
Up on my play list
And I thought they
Would know who they were
As they were not
Really the musical type.
And there reply on
Our online conversation
Came back - they are sh^te,
I have work to do.
All different ex's same
Glutton for punishment.
Maybe I will find someone
Who appreciates me.
But I am no spring
Chick anymore and
I worry about being
Alone. On the scrap heap.
Where my family have
Left me in the past.
Its not an alien feeling.

I was young, my whole
Life stretched ahead of me.
Vast as the ocean.
I am a water sign after all
I could roll where
The tide saw fit to take me.
I loved life. Not my job though.
I thought I could keep
All the balls in the air.
Sick rumours, flip flops.
I was disrespectful
Considering I counted
On you to give me
Overtime and pay my wages.
Just scribble. I was new.
Who-evers number, that was
I scrunched it up,
It landed in the bin.
Getting fired never scared me.
If it did, I would be,
In Davy Jones Locker.

In your own words.
You loved that poem.
Motorbike in the vicinity.
We created a monster
In our own image.
You are a hypocrite.
Goose did not treat
Me kindly, yes I kissed
Another person and my
Own friends went out
Of their way to make
Sure he found out.
Advantage to them?
You strove past and
You said that I was naive,
To accept the lift.
And I would have forgiven
You if you added:
At least you are safe.
I think it was a way
To cover your own guilt.
I had known you
All my life since I
Began nursery school.
And it felt like you
Added salt to my wound.
I stuck up for your
Promiscuous ways. And
Forgave you for telling
Everyone at work
Sensitive information about me.
If you did not respect
Your own self then
How could I expect you
To respect me and
My decision to wait
For a decent young man.
So I sit here and say
That as head strong
As I was, I still fell
At the hurdle of peer presure.
And when you add
Self destruction to the mix,
Then that solitary incident
Which I escaped was
Luckily the first and last.
And that rehab
Was a god send.
It was unavoidable.
I had a breakdown.
At 18, a mental breakdown.

Thanks for your
Good will gestures.
I was so incredibly grateful.
At 18 and at 24.
Just to know that
There were people
Out there who were
Thinking of a wretch
Such as me. That
There were people
Who did care,
And had faith
In my recovery.
Not everyone did.
Hang in there,
We hope to see
You alive AND well.
We know we will
Someday. I can read
Messages and play sodoku.
Since I found out
How the triples work
I had nailed it.
The intermediate ones at least.