[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I don't know what's wrong with me. Hyper and agitated at the same time. Kept tossing and turning in my sleep, waking up every hour on the hour (literally) with bad dreams. But I've been hyper and agitated for a while now, so it wasn't the dreams... But anyway,

One dream was about my grandma who recently passed away on August 6th. While I would not consider it a "nightmare," it just made me sad after I woke up because in the dream, she had a happy face, was laughing, and enjoying herself at what would have been her 83rd birthday party. She was eating ice cream and cake, and got a lot of wonderful presents that literally made her the happiest she's ever been since the death of my grandpa in 2016. She had no dementia anymore (she was cured somehow with the latest advancements in medicine). It nearly made me cry when I woke up and makes me feel that way now, because she could have lived a lot longer if my grandpa had listened to her doctors.

But for those who don't know, my grandma's official cause of death is dementia. Her vitals were low on the morning of August 6th and then she died about 3-4 hours after her vitals went low, but with the comfort of my dad, sister, and mom. I didn't go because it would have bothered me. But I did get to say goodbye to her over the phone about 30 mins before her death, so that was nice. My mom never cries (I can't remember the last time she did?), but she bawled her eyes out during my grandma's last moments even though it was her mother-in-law.

It just sucks that I had a dream that imagined what her life would have been like if it continued, how happy she would have been if we could've done something about the dementia, instead of seeing her suffering for many, many months up until her death. But when she was in IP for AP changes, the IP dr did say she had 6 months to live, so he wasn't wrong.

I am so sorry about your grandmother. One of my grandfathers passed away from Alzheimers, and I didn't see him once he got really bad because he didn't even recognize me or speak English any more if he talked at all, which was rare, according to my grandmother (native language Czech). I lost that grandmother years later to Parkinsons disease, and I had the same dream thing happen to me. I knew she was going to pass soon, according to hospice & doctors. I had a dream where she was healthy and well, both of us getting our hair done at a salon, talking, having a good time and woke up around 4:30 AM. The weird thing is that she passed right around 4:30 AM, my mom told me when she called with the news the next morning. But, I had been expecting that news, it's just weird I had the dream when I did.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm doing OK so far this morning, but mornings tend to be easier for me than later in the day, maybe because of things happening in the day. Yesterday morning was rough with my daughter but this morning fine. She was happy I remembered to get her up early for choir practice before school, and yesterday, I did not forget she had early noon dismissal.

I see the T later today. Hopefully, she will have some advice for me on instant reactions or instant panic upon an identifiable trigger. Going into instant panic/super high anxiety and then having to function (something time-sensitive especially) is very difficult for me.

my positive for the day is that I tried coffee for the first time.

it wasn't an instant hit, I found it quite overpowering, but given time I think I can learn to like it (never as much as pepermint tea, that's my favorite hot drink)

anyway had to go out for a bit this morning, a little overwelming (crowds), but got what I needed to do done, and now I'm home listening to music

good day mood wise so far

I'm OK today. Yesterday was nicer since hubby took the day off. I'm not quite sure how to entertain myself or be properly productive today. I have some things going through my head, but am not sure how to approach them or if I have courage to approach them today.

Tomorrow I see my therapist. She is a somewhat new therapist for me. She is nice, and probably a little better than many therapists, but she is not even half as good as my last therapist that I quit seeing after she moved far from my home. I'll admit that I don't get excited to see this new therapist. I feel like my possibility for progress is stunted again, while it was slowly moving forward with my last therapist.

I asked hubby if I should send my old therapist a quick email just updating how I am. When I saw her last, I sort of got the impression she'd appreciate that occasionally. She used to follow my blog, but I have abandoned my blog for a while now. I'm not sure if she's thought about me at all to notice. Anyway, hubby said I should send her a quick note, but I've been procrastinating because I hate to send just an "I'm OK, but wish I was better" note. That's really the problem. I don't know what to write. I suggested to hubby that I e-mail her close to Thanksgiving to use that as a partial excuse, but he thinks I should email her sooner.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I'm OK today. Yesterday was nicer since hubby took the day off. I'm not quite sure how to entertain myself or be properly productive today. I have some things going through my head, but am not sure how to approach them or if I have courage to approach them today.

Tomorrow I see my therapist. She is a somewhat new therapist for me. She is nice, and probably a little better than many therapists, but she is not even half as good as my last therapist that I quit seeing after she moved far from my home. I'll admit that I don't get excited to see this new therapist. I feel like my possibility for progress is stunted again, while it was slowly moving forward with my last therapist.

I asked hubby if I should send my old therapist a quick email just updating how I am. When I saw her last, I sort of got the impression she'd appreciate that occasionally. She used to follow my blog, but I have abandoned my blog for a while now. I'm not sure if she's thought about me at all to notice. Anyway, hubby said I should send her a quick note, but I've been procrastinating because I hate to send just an "I'm OK, but wish I was better" note. That's really the problem. I don't know what to write. I suggested to hubby that I e-mail her close to Thanksgiving to use that as a partial excuse, but he thinks I should email her sooner.

I know a little of what you're going through. I have a new pdoc since my old one of 10 years is retiring. She is still working part-time, I think until she gets most her of patients set up with new pdocs. She did me a favor, getting me in early with my new pdoc as I saw him in weeks, not 6 months (his typical waiting list). My new pdoc works at the same clinic; it is small, 3 pdocs, 1 therapist. I see her come out to call patients, so she has seen me too, depending on where I'm sitting in the waiting room. Sometimes, I feel like I should have a last word with her, thank her for giving me the right diagnosis and being such a good doctor and wishing her a good retirement. But then, I'm like, I don't know, that could be interpreted as weird and creepyish. But T's you see weekly and for longer time periods, so it is more personal by default, I think. With my old pdoc, depending on how I was doing at the time it might be a week; 3 weeks, 6 weeks, once I think even 3 months. The new pdoc of course discussed me with her as I'd signed a consent, and he told me he talked to her about me. I regret missing my final appointment with her (that was during my hospital surgery stay).

The new pdoc is good, better than most out there, I think. But my old pdoc was absolutely fantastic. He definitely does not match up to her. He has a more brisk, efficient manner about him. I feel he's a good doctor, but he processes what you tell him practically instantly and there is not much small talk. If I tell him about specific personal incidents, he does at least listen and does ask me at the end of each session if I have any questions or anything else to discuss, so at least I have a moment if there is something else I forgot earlier, but he's so fast with everything, maybe because he types his notes; old pdoc wrote hers out by hand, I saw this when I got my medical records from the clinic, the new pdoc did include a lot of information on the sheets from my visits to him at the clinic, likely the reason he seems to take a bit longer between calling out patients than my old pdoc did.

I think when you've actually found an outstanding doctor or T, it is harder to let go, and you tend to measure the new one against the really fantastic past doctor or T. But instead of measuring a new doctor or T to a really fantastic old one, I have come to realize you need to measure them up against all the bad ones you've had or could have gotten in with. I am hopeful as the new T I'm with already feels like a better fit than past T's, but it's too early to really assess that, and I have never had a T I really clicked with.

A quick, brief email would probably be OK since the T gave you an email address and did follow your blog. Probably something along the lines of I want to thank you for being such a good therapist, hope the move has gone well & I'm doing OK, not go into not great, old T not measuring up, slower progress, etc. Because you've really moved all your therapy care to a new T. If all the old T's patients did that, it might be frustrating to her, but IDK her personally, how long did you see this T? That is something to consider as well. If it was over the course of several or many years, it's more understandable than a T you saw for 6 months or something.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I'm doing OK so far this morning, but mornings tend to be easier for me than later in the day, maybe because of things happening in the day. Yesterday morning was rough with my daughter but this morning fine. She was happy I remembered to get her up early for choir practice before school, and yesterday, I did not forget she had early noon dismissal.

I see the T later today. Hopefully, she will have some advice for me on instant reactions or instant panic upon an identifiable trigger. Going into instant panic/super high anxiety and then having to function (something time-sensitive especially) is very difficult for me.

It can be very challenging to not have an immediate reaction, especially when prone to anxiety/panic, as you know. I think your insights about this are right on.

It has taken me a long time, and a lot of practice, to learn to suspend immediate reactions. My meds help me with this. My pdoc says she often finds citalopram helps with managing reactivity. I have found this to be true for me.

I had to give up Adderall, which I use during deep, deep depressions. I had become mixed and the Adderall was making me even more anxious. Almost every day when I read your posts about panic/anxiety, I wonder if/how Adderall may be contributing to your anxiety? Just a thought, as we are all different.

I am hopeful your insights, combined with therapy, will be very helpful to you and to your family as well.

I know you have been looking for things to do with your daughter. How about a family game night with cards and/or board games? In my family, we had bonded a lot with one another quite a bit via playing board games. We still do play board games, cards and yard games.

We had also bonded through doing chores together, cooking together, playing sports together, etc.

Just throwing out a few ideas. I hope you and your daughter will feel increasingly bonded as time goes on.

WC

[QUOTE=Blueberrybook;6291429]

Thanks, Blueberrybook. Actually, I went ahead and sent my old tdoc a simple greeting email. I sort of ended it in a way that indicated that I don't expect a response.

If you do want to thank your old psychiatrist, have you considered sending him a greeting card via snail mail? A carefully chosen card can definitely be appropriate and appreciated. Then you need only add one to three sentences to the end. I've sent my psychiatrist a get well card in the past that he appreciated.

[Wild Coyote]

[QUOTE=BirdDancer;6291699]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Thanks, Blueberrybook. Actually, I went ahead and sent my old tdoc a simple greeting email. I sort of ended it in a way that indicated that I don't expect a response.

If you do want to thank your old psychiatrist, have you considered sending him a greeting card via snail mail? A carefully chosen card can definitely be appropriate and appreciated. Then you need only add one to three sentences to the end. I've sent my psychiatrist a get well card in the past that he appreciated.

I have recently transitioned to a new pdoc/therapist. My former one has welcomed me to email him anytime. I have been holding off a bit, hoping to feel better so I can report some kind of improvement. The truth is: the transition time has been very challenging, even though I really like my new pdoc/therapist. I did not want my former pdoc feeling guilty for any setback I have been experiencing. I anticipate writing to him soon, either in an email or via snail mail.

I had also found it to be a bit confusing to not be doing well and to be in touch with my former pdoc when I was also trying to get used to my new one.

My former pdoc was also a gem. We have had over 20 years together. I do miss him. I will be writing sometime soon.


WC

[Blueberrybook]

[QUOTE=BirdDancer;6291699]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Thanks, Blueberrybook. Actually, I went ahead and sent my old tdoc a simple greeting email. I sort of ended it in a way that indicated that I don't expect a response.

If you do want to thank your old psychiatrist, have you considered sending him a greeting card via snail mail? A carefully chosen card can definitely be appropriate and appreciated. Then you need only add one to three sentences to the end. I've sent my psychiatrist a get well card in the past that he appreciated.

I don't have an address other than the clinic to snail mail a card to. I wonder if I can ask my current pdoc if he would pass along a thank you card to her as I'd been seeing her over 10 years? She is still there working part-time for now. The clinic is very small, it wouldn't be hard for him to do; her office is just next door to his. I didn't get a last appointment with the old pdoc due to hospitalization and lack closure there, just being able to say goodbye to her and thank her.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

It can be very challenging to not have an immediate reaction, especially when prone to anxiety/panic, as you know. I think your insights about this are right on.

It has taken me a long time, and a lot of practice, to learn to suspend immediate reactions. My meds help me with this. My pdoc says she often finds citalopram helps with managing reactivity. I have found this to be true for me.

I had to give up Adderall, which I use during deep, deep depressions. I had become mixed and the Adderall was making me even more anxious. Almost every day when I read your posts about panic/anxiety, I wonder if/how Adderall may be contributing to your anxiety? Just a thought, as we are all different.

I am hopeful your insights, combined with therapy, will be very helpful to you and to your family as well.

I know you have been looking for things to do with your daughter. How about a family game night with cards and/or board games? In my family, we had bonded a lot with one another quite a bit via playing board games. We still do play board games, cards and yard games.

We had also bonded through doing chores together, cooking together, playing sports together, etc.

Just throwing out a few ideas. I hope you and your daughter will feel increasingly bonded as time goes on.

WC

I wonder about the Adderall too though it finally does let me read again, which I've missed a lot and has given me better concentration.

I am mixed I think but feeling more depressed lately, too. Pdoc had to lower the Wellbutrin; it made me too forgetful. He mentioned possibly going back to Cymbalta, which did help me in the past. The other AD that helped was Effexor, and even though I did not have any side effects from it, I did go through the horror story of getting off Effexor many people know all too well. I don't know that I want to go through that again.

And the situation I'm in is panic inducing. There are days when even H has told me he's been feeling panicked and anxious all day. H does not have MI though I think he may have situational clinical depression and anxiety.

I'll see the pdoc next week Tuesday, see what he says then.

I'm going to ask my therapist about suggestions on approaching my daughter with activities. I am not a game person at all. Family game night would not be at all enjoyable for me. Even with board games, H and my daughter prefer games involving a lot of strategy, too much for me to follow with complicated rules. That would start me off stressed from the beginning.

[yellow_fleurs]

I am doing pretty well and trying to use this time of a little optimism to address things I needed to, but could not because I was so unwell. Thing that worries me is being in the midst of addressing this when my mood drops again and it suddenly becoming too much. Need to be brave, though and not let my moods dictate my life. Any suggestions for how to summon courage? Oh and I scheduled an appointment finally with a therapist who sees people on the weekends. I can see her in a couple of weeks. Her site says she integrates CBT/DBT so I hope I can develop some useful skills.

[Moose72]

I saw pdoc this morning. Adjusted some meds. I felt really funky- slow and unable to follow. I still feel that way. Slept the day away. Cant even go to choir. Sorry no replies.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I saw pdoc this morning. Adjusted some meds. I felt really funky- slow and unable to follow. I still feel that way. Slept the day away. Cant even go to choir. Sorry no replies.

I hope you feel better soon.

WC

I saw my doctor and it went really well. He was concerned and thorough and interested and didn't fuss about prescribing psych meds even tho he's just a GP. I got my Wellbutrin filled and will start taking it tomorrow morning. Here's to feeling better!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I saw my doctor and it went really well. He was concerned and thorough and interested and didn't fuss about prescribing psych meds even tho he's just a GP. I got my Wellbutrin filled and will start taking it tomorrow morning. Here's to feeling better!

I hope you feel better soon!

WC

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I unpacked my fall/winter clothes so I can start washing them. I'm at a weird place with weight loss and I'm finding that I mostly have pajamas and what I call "hospital pants" (yoga type pants that I can take to the hospital if needed; I figure if I want sweat type pants they should be usable in that situation.) Honestly I don't think the hospital pants are all going to fit because they were pretty big when I got them and I've lost weight. I'm finding I'm at a very weird weight right now where everything is too slightly big or slightly too small. Not sure what to do with that. It's a good problem but a confusing one.

I'm feeling anxious tonight. No good reason, just anxious. Hopefully it will pass soon.

[~Christina]

Ears are burning ... hope it doesn’t lead to more , I can’t have the plague ! Hubby must stay healthy.

I did virtually nothing today .... odd for me

Hugs all the way around.

Bought some coloring books. Somehow I got free 1 day shipping from Amazon for all of them...? So I guess they're all coming tomorrow.

Pretty excited! Just in time for the weekend. (USPS comes at 10am.)

I would bring my coloring books to work to color them during lunch breaks, except... everyone would probably think I'm a 5 year old. lol. But I do need to take breaks instead of working so hard for so long, so I'll probably start bringing my Kindle. I've always thought about bringing the Kindle, but never have done it.

Otherwise, not so agitated today! Yay! Pretty hyper, but I'm all good. Not mania or anything. I'm just hyper af and waking up every hour at night. But I'm still getting like 9 hrs of sleep if you take into account the waking up.

I hope everyone else has a good day.

today I found out from a long time friend that one of the people she knew for 5 years (and I knew too), passed away

she emailed me asking for my support on the whole thing, because she's devistated and saddened by the loss- which honestly shocks me a little, when this guy was alive, he did nothing but boss us both around and go on about how he was better than both of us- so I am trying to support her, though it's difficult when I don't feel anything myself, and she's upset over someone who she hated

I got a phone call today from someone else I used to know, randomly rang me to tell me she got a new job at a furniture store. I was thrilled to hear from her, and we had a small catch up

had my shower today, and as usual felt gross after, really itchy and sore as well.

feeling okay mood wise I guess, despite realising that another week has passed and i've done **** all with my life and the time given to me. makes me wonder why I keep living, but their we go... some people are

Possible trigger:

very unlucky while others get to end their life and go to heaven.

Originally Posted by raging vortex

today I found out from a long time friend that one of the people she knew for 5 years (and I knew too), passed away

she emailed me asking for my support on the whole thing, because she's devistated and saddened by the loss- which honestly shocks me a little, when this guy was alive, he did nothing but boss us both around and go on about how he was better than both of us- so I am trying to support her, though it's difficult when I don't feel anything myself, and she's upset over someone who she hated

Sorry to hear you're having a difficult time supporting her.

Sometimes people boss other people around because they have their own struggles. They're trying to compensate for something they do not have or compensate for something they wish they had. Or other times, they're trying to make themselves feel better for whatever reason they have. So perhaps he was struggling with something and then became "bossy" because he didn't know how to handle his struggles. I know I've been "bossy" before because I was agitated during a period of my life and didn't want to put up with anyone's s***.

So maybe your friend knew him when he was a non-bossy person and then learned about his struggles, which could be why she felt upset that he died. Or maybe she knew him when he was non-bossy and is mourning that period of her life, because perhaps he saved her life or made her life change for the better. idk.

This is just me extrapolating, but just giving ideas about why your friend could be feeling this way. There could be many different factors involved. Maybe she will open up to you about them.

[Moose72]

At 10 year follow up in bipolar longitudinal study. They have left me waiting a long time though. :/

Originally Posted by Moose72

At 10 year follow up in bipolar longitudinal study. They have left me waiting a long time though. :/

Waiting for what? You mean waiting 10 years or waiting for $$$?

[Blueberrybook]

I’m doing OK. It looks like it might rain again today.

Nothing much going on. H had a job interview yesterday, but he was told the position type does not often open up (a full instead of adjunct professor at at 2 year community college), and there are already a lot of applicants, including internal applicants. The position opened Oct. 1 and will close for applicants Oct. 31. H did say the interview did seem to go well. The science content specialist in H’s school district knows the interviewer, though the hiring is a departmental thing thing decided by more than 1 person. The content specialist talked H up to the interviewer quite a bit, and H felt she had a lot of sway with this guy. H was told they do not already have a person in mind to hire (such as an internal candidate), they want someone they feel will be a good fit. H teaches kids in a feeder school to that college, which is a point in his favor. He has come to like teaching and feels he is a good teacher. He has had students consistently telling him his physics class was their favorite science class in high school for a couple of years now, and I don’t think students usually associate physics as a favorite high school science requirement. But H hates the admin stuff, and the health insurance sucks. We don’t even see one third of H’s salary into our bank account because of taxes, retirement, but mainly because of health insurance. We pay so much for sucky insurance, H is going to look around for the open enrollment period.

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

I’m doing OK. It looks like it might rain again today.

Nothing much going on. H had a job interview yesterday, but he was told the position type does not often open up (a full instead of adjunct professor at at 2 year community college), and there are already a lot of applicants, including internal applicants. The position opened Oct. 1 and will close for applicants Oct. 31. H did say the interview did seem to go well. The science content specialist in H’s school district knows the interviewer, though the hiring is a departmental thing thing decided by more than 1 person. The content specialist talked H up to the interviewer quite a bit, and H felt she had a lot of sway with this guy. H was told they do not already have a person in mind to hire (such as an internal candidate), they want someone they feel will be a good fit. H teaches kids in a feeder school to that college, which is a point in his favor. He has come to like teaching and feels he is a good teacher. He has had students consistently telling him his physics class was their favorite science class in high school for a couple of years now, and I don’t think students usually associate physics as a favorite high school science requirement. But H hates the admin stuff, and the health insurance sucks. We don’t even see one third of H’s salary into our bank account because of taxes, retirement, but mainly because of health insurance. We pay so much for sucky insurance, H is going to look around for the open enrollment period.

I hope your husband gets the job.

I'm glad that the community college is considering ALL candidates.

My salary isn't so great after taxes, either. Massachusetts takes a decent cut, although not as high as Houston I bet. I end up with at least 60% of my pay taken away by all sorts of taxes and then health insurance... So I think I'm kinda in the same boat.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

Bought some coloring books. Somehow I got free 1 day shipping from Amazon for all of them...? So I guess they're all coming tomorrow.

Pretty excited! Just in time for the weekend. (USPS comes at 10am.)

I would bring my coloring books to work to color them during lunch breaks, except... everyone would probably think I'm a 5 year old. lol. But I do need to take breaks instead of working so hard for so long, so I'll probably start bringing my Kindle. I've always thought about bringing the Kindle, but never have done it.

Otherwise, not so agitated today! Yay! Pretty hyper, but I'm all good. Not mania or anything. I'm just hyper af and waking up every hour at night. But I'm still getting like 9 hrs of sleep if you take into account the waking up.

I hope everyone else has a good day.

I'm glad you are having a better day!

The coloring books should be fun.


WC