[~Christina]

Originally Posted by TheSeaCat

Today was alright; I woke up a little bit depressed I haven't slept alone in a while. I know kitty was there but it just isn't the same as a man. I guess I got so used to him snore/wheezing in my ear. I didn't fall asleep much before 3am last night, and then I had to be up at 7. It was weird getting ready alone, I got so used to his alarm and my alarm going off that it's weird just having one. I ended up not wanting to eat breakfast at home and grabbing something on the way to work; along with coffee I didn't need.


Work was alright, I'm getting the hang of referrals but managing a practice is a whole different ballgame. My boss emailed me the credentials of all the medical staff, I felt like a stalker reading them. I know it's my job, but it just felt so weird. I guess this just proves I've got a little longer to go before I understand all it takes to manage a practice.


The PA and I did lunch together, he's really good about talking my anxiety down a few notches. I have exactly a week before I see Cardiologist and I am massively terrified my brain keeps coming up with zebra diagnosis's. I decided to let him come along, I just don't want to be alone. I know realistically all he is going to do is probably order a laundry list of tests, but still my brain keeps coming up with anxiety to the situation.


Currently waiting for my first of four therapy sessions this week; I'll let you all know how this goes.


Hugs to everyone

Things are going to feel weird for a while. Make new routines for yourself. Do things when and how YOU want.

Grabbing breakfast out sounds wonderful !

I’m so glad your job is still going well, years ago I did your job, it was relatively low stress and I enjoyed it.

I can tell you not to stress about your cardiologist appt all day long but ..... you are worried like anyone would be. I’ve done the whole zebra deal , makes matters worse when you work IN the medical field. Your appt will be here soon and then you can take a deep breath.

Hang in there hun ! Keep posting getting it outta our heads really does help.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Sorry about your depression. I don't know, it seems like when I'm on meds I almost never remember my dreams. Occasionally, I will have one I remember but it's few and far between and usually something mundane like I have to take a final exam in a subject I am not good at and completely forgot to study for the test. Even my boring life is more interesting than that!

Are you not going to judo & choir because of being depressed? If so, can you motivate yourself to go to one session of either of those? It seemed like you were pretty happy when you were doing judo.

I'm sorry about the tremor. Do you suspect a specific med? Wellbutrin gives me hand tremors (first go around on it was in grad school), but thankfully, they always stop shortly after I stop the med.

I hope you start feeling better

Thanks. I just feel all slowed down when I move\walk. I am tired ready for bed tired.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Thanks.

Hopefully, you get the hand tremors figured out. You are on a pretty high dose of Wellbutrin. Have you been on that dosage long?

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Hopefully, you get the hand tremors figured out. You are on a pretty high dose of Wellbutrin. Have you been on that dosage long?

Yes quite a while. A year?

I'm getting sick of Clozaril. I would love to switch to another AP but I know I'm on Clozaril because other meds don't work. I want to try, but I know I'm just gonna wind up needing clozapine again and having to taper up, which is a pain because I'll need weekly blood work for another six months. I just wish something else worked. I am thankful it works, but I'm sick of going to the hospital and the pharmacy every week.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Spikes-
Hang in there. It gets better. At nearly 3 years in the lab and pharmacy trip (and every few months the mess the pharmacy makes of it) is so routine I can't remember not having to do this every month. The weekly days are a blur. I was lucky in that my pharmacy didn't understand the rules and gave me monthly supplies all along which helped but I did not get out of any labs.

How much longer do you have weekly labs? Even biweekly will seem like a lot less bother; at least it did to me.

I'm sitting here trying to remember weekly labs and I actually can't. My memory is pretty mushy around the first year on clozapine because I was so sick when I went on it and those labs and the frustration are just lost to time. Which is fine with me.

It really does get better.

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

Four therapy sessions in one week! I think that would completely do me in! How do you plan to manage?

I honestly don't know how I am managing three a week; he decided to throw in a fourth session since he was afraid the breakup would send me into the Bipolar Black hole. Honestly therapy three times a week isn't that bad, I'm hoping that next week after three that I can convince him twice a week would be sufficient. I usually leave his office exhausted

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by spikes

I'm getting sick of Clozaril. I would love to switch to another AP but I know I'm on Clozaril because other meds don't work. I want to try, but I know I'm just gonna wind up needing clozapine again and having to taper up, which is a pain because I'll need weekly blood work for another six months. I just wish something else worked. I am thankful it works, but I'm sick of going to the hospital and the pharmacy every week.

I hope you start doing better soon.

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Things are going to feel weird for a while. Make new routines for yourself. Do things when and how YOU want.

Grabbing breakfast out sounds wonderful !

I’m so glad your job is still going well, years ago I did your job, it was relatively low stress and I enjoyed it.

I can tell you not to stress about your cardiologist appt all day long but ..... you are worried like anyone would be. I’ve done the whole zebra deal , makes matters worse when you work IN the medical field. Your appt will be here soon and then you can take a deep breath.

Hang in there hun ! Keep posting getting it outta our heads really does help.

Thank you! I know it's going to be strange for a while, I just didn't expect that void so quickly.

It was McDonald's and it was surprisingly hot.

I'm loving this job and you are right is it super low stress and I enjoy it a lot more than my last job. I did not know you formally worked in the medical industry that is super cool that you were doing the same job as me.

I know i'm excessively worrying about it and it doesn't help at all that i'm in that field. I'm grateful for this PA keeping me in check.

Thank you and you are right posting really helps, I honestly wish I would have found this place in April.

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by spikes

I'm getting sick of Clozaril. I would love to switch to another AP but I know I'm on Clozaril because other meds don't work. I want to try, but I know I'm just gonna wind up needing clozapine again and having to taper up, which is a pain because I'll need weekly blood work for another six months. I just wish something else worked. I am thankful it works, but I'm sick of going to the hospital and the pharmacy every week.

I'm sorry Spikes. I honestly couldn't imagine weekly lab work; hang in there.

[Amethyst_Stargazer]

Today I'm feeling better, thankfully. I quit smoking and I took a little nap earlier because I had a little bit of difficulty on trying to sleep. I'm glad I was able to take a nap though. Anytime I feel drained and not full of any energy, I always take a small nap and I don't sleep for long. Mostly a half hour or twenty-five minutes. When I wake up, I made sure I get myself something to eat and occupy myself with a hobby. The one thing that always makes me happy is music.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Amethyst_Stargazer

Today I'm feeling better, thankfully. I quit smoking and I took a little nap earlier because I had a little bit of difficulty on trying to sleep. I'm glad I was able to take a nap though. Anytime I feel drained and not full of any energy, I always take a small nap and I don't sleep for long. Mostly a half hour or twenty-five minutes. When I wake up, I made sure I get myself something to eat and occupy myself with a hobby. The one thing that always makes me happy is music.

I am glad you are feeling better!

Congrats on quitting smoking!

I love music, too! One of the decisions I have made in therapy is to have much more music playing around me, more often. It can make a big difference for me! I am setting up playlists this week.

I hope you sleep well tonight!


WC

[yellow_fleurs]

I am going to have to talk to my therapist/psychiatrist next time I see them about these intrusive thoughts as they are getting upsetting. Not sure if it's OCD or what, but something is going on.
In better news I got some work done today despite losing it for a few hours. Also trying to make some moves in my life to get involved in things outside of work. I need a social support network and some activities to distract myself with.

[wildflowerchild25]

Ok after all my whining about the one guy I now have two dates lined up ! I’m excited about the one but the other asked me out without even getting to know me first so I’m not sure about it. Definitely going to meet in public and give my sister in law my whereabouts. I mean I guess that’s how people used to do it before online dating right? Just randomly ask someone out? That’s what tv would have you believe anyway lol.

I don’t know if I can handle two guys at once. Obviously when the time comes I’ll have to tell one I’m not interested and I’ve never done that before. Unless he tells me first lol.

Anyway.

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Ok after all my whining about the one guy I now have two dates lined up ! I’m excited about the one but the other asked me out without even getting to know me first so I’m not sure about it. Definitely going to meet in public and give my sister in law my whereabouts. I mean I guess that’s how people used to do it before online dating right? Just randomly ask someone out? That’s what tv would have you believe anyway lol.

I don’t know if I can handle two guys at once. Obviously when the time comes I’ll have to tell one I’m not interested and I’ve never done that before. Unless he tells me first lol.

Anyway.

You go girl

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Ok after all my whining about the one guy I now have two dates lined up ! I’m excited about the one but the other asked me out without even getting to know me first so I’m not sure about it. Definitely going to meet in public and give my sister in law my whereabouts. I mean I guess that’s how people used to do it before online dating right? Just randomly ask someone out? That’s what tv would have you believe anyway lol.

I don’t know if I can handle two guys at once. Obviously when the time comes I’ll have to tell one I’m not interested and I’ve never done that before. Unless he tells me first lol.

Anyway.

Sounds like FUN!
Enjoy!

WC

[Tryingtobehappy5]

I woke up at 6 this morning feeling energetic and happy. 7hr sleep so I am happy because 4 or 17hrs are not good long term. I cleaned, did a little laundry and ruined my nails snaking a few drains in the house that werent draining properly for a while already. It was worth it to feel so accomplished though.

Working now which makes me happy and the brain fog has definitely lifted compared to my last shift when I was constantly messing up. I dont get off until 1130 though and working evening shifts definitely tend to make me sleep less and want to drink more so I am hoping I can keep those under control. Especially since my H is off nights so Im not stuck at home with no way to get alcohol starting tonight.

My arm is hurting really bad again today from an injury 10weeks ago so Im debating going to the dr for that but I dont want to have to explain what happened to yet another dr I have to work with or have them see my chart at all. I know its not broken at least because they did an xray the next day while I was IP. Havent been able to run for a few days now because everthing is covered in ice which is bothering me. Hoping it gets better soon.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

I slipped. My walk home from work was great(its only just before midnight here) although I had that feeling of wanting trouble so I could beat the sh** out of somebody. When I feel like I could do that I start to wonder if I am a little off. Then I got home and my H had fallen asleep and left a half a beer on the coffee table so I drank it. I feel like I get a free pass since it was just left there though. Now I just want more. Considering taking a bunch of advil because I like how that makes me feel too. Wish I didnt waste my sleeping pills on my last attempt so I could take a couple, they are better than anything else I have right now.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

I slipped. My walk home from work was great(its only just before midnight here) although I had that feeling of wanting trouble so I could beat the sh** out of somebody. When I feel like I could do that I start to wonder if I am a little off. Then I got home and my H had fallen asleep and left a half a beer on the coffee table so I drank it. I feel like I get a free pass since it was just left there though. Now I just want more. Considering taking a bunch of advil because I like how that makes me feel too. Wish I didnt waste my sleeping pills on my last attempt so I could take a couple, they are better than anything else I have right now.

Please don't take more Advil than it says on the bottle. My brother died from taking too many NSAIDs. It made a hole in his intestines and he'd died from peritonitis. It was a nightmare! I will spare you the details.

Suffice to say ingesting too much Advil is potentially very dangerous.

Concerned about you!.

WC

[Pookyl]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

I slipped. My walk home from work was great(its only just before midnight here) although I had that feeling of wanting trouble so I could beat the sh** out of somebody. When I feel like I could do that I start to wonder if I am a little off. Then I got home and my H had fallen asleep and left a half a beer on the coffee table so I drank it. I feel like I get a free pass since it was just left there though. Now I just want more. Considering taking a bunch of advil because I like how that makes me feel too. Wish I didnt waste my sleeping pills on my last attempt so I could take a couple, they are better than anything else I have right now.

Your husband should know better. Have you asked your husband to stop bringing alcohol home to help you stop drinking?
I gave up alcohol Jan 2017 successfully - partly because I ended up suicidal in hospital and partly because my hubby has never brought alcohol again. I still want to drink most days but have no access to it.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Im sorry that happened to your brother
I guess I have been lucky so far but I do have stomach issues sometimes Im sure at least partly due to both abusing different pills long term along with ODs and alcohol.
Im not even sure why I do this to myself. I cant even see any reason that I want to be numb right now, I feel ok I think.

My husband woke up so I didnt take anything, its hard to do when he is awake and I feel more guilty if I try to hide it deliberately. He said he meant to have the beer gone before I got home when he realized I drank it.

[Lefty Seven]

And now I know
Bipolar disorder

.

My neighbor is blaring Antique Roadshow through our windows. She took both hearing aids out and has the whole neighborhood riding the roadshow. As I type this the focus of the television program which ails me has abruptly shifted from antiques to white power. Public broadcasting is full of surprises out here.

I'm feeling the anxiety, feeling it hard. I have things to do today and I don't want to look like a fool.

Ugh, now that I live outside Boston, it's a real chore driving into the downtown area.

We supposedly have "light rain" right now, which is actually pretty heavy. So I can imagine when we're getting "heavy rain," it'll be a torrential downpour.

I think this rain is from a hurricane traveling up the East coast, if I'm not mistaken. For those who don't live on the east coast or don't know, it's not uncommon for us to get the aftereffects of a hurricane. In fact, some areas here are getting hit with 50mph winds according to the news (I think it's the cape). But I just hope that's not the case downtown, because then getting to my appt will REALLY suck.

Stupid weather. I heard there are tornadoes in the south and then hurricanes about to hit the southeast. Then California has its wildfires. Oh, and some states are getting hit with tons of snow. We're about to get hit with snow on friday. You just can't escape mother nature this week! But I guess the northeast is probably safest at the moment compared to everywhere else.

I can't WAIT for those hurricane blizzards we seem to get every year. I love me some 4+ feet of snow with hurricane winds and being trapped. (Sarcasm.) At least we're not like Buffalo, NY, as I think they oftentimes get slammed with 5+ feet of snow with one storm. Still, hurricane blizzards suck. Or "blurricanes" as some people call them

I hope everyone stays safe this week, especially those affected by the wildfires. I know that the Boston 25 news station mentioned that Massachusetts firefighters are offering to travel to California to help. I kinda hope that they do go, because California needs all the help they can get.

[Daonnachd]

Last night I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing and took my morning Wellbutrin for a second time in the day. So I skipped it this morning. I hope that's the wisest thing to do.