[Victoria'smom]

Quick background:

We got flooded. Had to be without proper medication for almost a week. To be honest we were slipping before then but that didn't help. My husband is Depressed. I'm IDFK, mixed?, psychotic? just plain weird. We both have no T but we see the pdoc December 4th. We still don’t have a car. If I can get my husband through until then.

My husband said today that he won’t make it 5 yrs. So Sui is a possibility. He has a bunch of other issues heart and pulmonology, and weight issues. Up until recently he was not taking his meds, none of them. He just doesn’t care anymore. I have encouraged him to reach out to pdoc or take the higher dose of lamictal she talked about. He missed a whole week of his 8 wk courses last week and hasn’t started this weeks work yet. I’m not going to say anything because I know how hard it is to survive and care when severely depressed. He’s up and trying and that’s enough for me. I don’t know how much further he can drop. I’m keeping a close eye on him. I’m not going to force him into IP unless he harms himself. He’s never done that to me (even after harming myself). So it’s time for me to be that supporting.

Now me: My head is loud. I can’t hear clear voices it’s more like a headache of noise. I’m using headphones to drown it out but it’s not helping. I’m thought jumping, confused, I’m trying to focus enough to write this (thank god for spell check), I’m having self mutilation thoughts and other weird thoughts. Which of course they sound like ingenious ideas. I haven’t acted on any of it. I won’t act because then I have to explain my stupidity. It’s going to get worse before it gets better. I think I need a higher AP. I’m taking the ambien at night just because I don’t want to go manic/mix. If this is the start of one. At the same time I’m completely unmotivated, haven’t showered in days, tons of anxiety (honestly it’s woken me from my sleep), and questioning life too.

Where on the bipolar map do I fit? Any coping skills I can use? This feels like to much.

[bizi]

It seems like you are having some psychotic symptoms so you may be manic. You are using good judgement so that is good.
I am sorry that your family is in crisis mode.
what happened to your car? can you ask for help from family to get it back running again?
How was your hubby getting to his classes. Was this an IOP?
could you ask to be put on a waiting list to be seen sooner if they would do that for you?
bizi

[Victoria'smom]

My mom gave us money to fix it but we still need a ride to get to get to the mechanic. I'm hoping tomorrow but my husband has to get the motivation to call and get it there. It's most likely the transmission it's going to at least $1k. They'll be rebuilding the transmission. My parents will get here late tomorrow early Saturday.

How was your hubby getting to his classes. It's college online.
Neither of us have ever gone to IOP.

He doesn't want to go to the pdoc.

I took 2 ambien. Hopefully it'll help.

[Wander]

What you are both going through is understandably overwhelming. I admire the strength of spirit you are demonstrating but know we all have our limits so I am concerned about you.

As for advice I would suggest you pull in all the resources you have (people especially such as friends/family) as you can't continue to hold this on your own. I can understand your respect for your husband and not wanting to force him into hospital but if there is a breaking point for him you may have to act to save his life.

Before anything you need to continue to look after you first as you are no help to him if you spiral out of control. For me little things like listening to music I like or getting lost in a TV series or book for a while can help at least a little bit. However what you need is the right medication to calm your mind down. You sound at least hypomanic but probably mixed which is hell. Can you see a general medical doctor and send out a flare. Maybe they can help?

Again I am so sorry you are both suffering so much. A month until a specialist appointment sounds way to far off. Do you also have an appointment? Can you get an emergency one? Sorry I am rambling. I am just so concerned. It breaks my heart you are both suffering so much and I sincerely wish you both a swift improvement to your situation.

Having no car is tough. I agree that it would be helpful to get into your pdoc before Dec 4th. Though you are struggling, you seem to be recognizing what is going on which is a positive. Sorry you are both suffering so much. I hope those voices in your head quiet down. They obviously won't completely go away until your circumstance get better. Remember, take care of yourself first so you are able to be helpful for your husband. We can't monitor others 24 hours a day, rather, sometimes we have to realize that we can only do so much.

[MickeyCheeky]

((((Miquel'smom)))) I'm so sorry you're struggling so badly. .sadhug: Please remember to take care of yourself as well. That's very important. I hope things will get better soon for the two of you...

[Sunflower123]

I agree with Wander. Is it at all possible to move up the pdoc appointment? It sounds like you are both in crisis. I’m so sorry you are both struggling. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Blueberrybook]

It definitely sounds like you are in crisis mode. I agree with the previous posts. Can you move up your pdoc appt. or call and talk to your pdoc about getting on a different or higher dose AP? If not your pdoc, can you go to your general doctor? My PCP does not generally prescribe psych meds but she will in cases of waiting on appointments (especially as the waiting list to start up new with a good pdoc can be 6 months or longer). She prescribed me Xanax, Zoloft, something else too while between pdocs. Can your general physician consult with your pdoc to prescribe if you sign a release (if you cannot see or talk to your pdoc earlier)? Might be quicker that way, doctor to doctor? It might get you by.

IDK, my pdoc is very responsive, so I'm lucky. He even has a cell phone to call and leave a voicemail after hours or on the weekend or while he is on vacation, and I think he answers immediately should you call overnight. He will get back in 1 to 2 hours otherwise. He always calls back if I leave a message at the clinic that I need to speak with him during office hours.


If you are mixed, it's crazy. Sometimes, I'm even manic and depressed at the same time, if that makes any sense. Supposedly, I have been mixed since the end of March. IDK, I think mixed or depressive might be my natural state. I hate it though, racing thoughts, negative thoughts, sometimes self-harm thoughts, other bad thoughts, sometimes feeling good, wanting to do everything, skipping thing to thing, forgetting, irritable, feeling like a waste of space, needing to do this project, that one, then losing interest. Hearing things (mostly I keep hearing voices out of other noises, birds singing a lot), but not that bad on the psychotic end. But others who are mixed do have more psychosis; I think psychosis is more likely if you are mixed? Not 100% sure of that, you'd have to look it up. Sorry if you are mixed too. OMG, I am beyond sick of it.

I hope things will start getting better for you.

I hope things improve for you both soon

I agree with the above posters

[raspberrytorte]

I agree with the others. Anyway you can get in to see your pdoc sooner? If he/She is all booked up can you go on a cancellation list? Is there a nurse line you can call?

[liveforsummer]

Hugs to you and your family, I hope you can all find a sense of stability, you’ve been through so much.

[Victoria'smom]

I didn't do spell check. to show were were we are at this afterboon:

I'm notwriting / speaching Englidh today. My hysdand is worried about me. ahe wants me to rest. that I don't need to community. awhat is this this? what if I'm suck like this?

My husband is taking a side job I thibk he's conserned. I'll be to confused to be safe. I'm just embaressed. I've allrady cried over this. He says I'm speaking fine but I don't beleve him, It feels like I'm speaking a fiegn lanuage.. My husband wants me off the computer today. but this is my outlet.

He's trying to cook breakfast. He seems good but /i know better.

We have family but they don't brlive in MI (just wait ontil they see our wreak). whish I knew weords, I think she'll hospitaloxe mr at this point. but I'm to comfused to actually be a danger. Though I'm much more worrird about my husbaned, I can fake being okay.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Could you apply for a Psych Central Community Grant | Psych Central Community Connection through PC? It would help you get your car working again or whatever else you need to get things under control again?

[Victoria'smom]

The frustrating part is we have the money to fix it if we could get to the bank. I'm thinking of having my husband take an uber but I don't know if they'll wait until he picks up the money and go back.

I asked him to walk to an ATM. So we can fix the car. but then we're ****ed the rest of the month with no cash.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm going to take 5mg x2 a day of zyprexa. 1 in the morning 1 at night. If that works I'll call pnurse and tell her.. I don't want to permanently on that high of a dose. I'm not taking the ambien again. It's not supposed to be used like I'm using it.

[bizi]

10mg of zyprexa is a good idea and not that high of a dose.
I take 5mg at night to sleep.
along with other meds.
calling you pnurse is a good idea anyway. Do not do this alone!
we are here for you but you need support people in real life.
(((((HUGS))))))
bizi

[Victoria'smom]

My husband just left to take out the money. So tomorrow it should be in the shop. I had headphones on all day. When I didn't I had a miny meltdown. He was throwing to many words and options at me. I can act like I can understand but that doesn't mean I do. He hugged me and spoke slowly to me. I can't hold a conversation. My parents will be here tomorrow. What am I going to do.? I can deal with this until I get paranoid of him.

My husband made a joke that if he leaves me home alone he'd find me curled in the closet. He's found me there to many times. I told him no because now we have a dog to protect me. I still feel someone is going to break in but I'm calm about it. He's worried about me and I'm worried about him. This is fuken great.

I feel it's not an emergency so I feel stupid talking to her unless I hurt myself because of my stupid ideas.I'm more worried about my husband, He'll no longer tell me how he's doing.

[Victoria'smom]

Yeah he wont take his meds. He hate everyone and everything

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

He's worried about me and I'm worried about him. This is fuken great.

I feel it's not an emergency so I feel stupid talking to her unless I hurt myself because of my stupid ideas.I'm more worried about my husband, He'll no longer tell me how he's doing.

Sometimes worry like this can feel like purgatory. I can relate to not being able to escape or stop some of the worries that play over and over in my head.

Maybe he keeps things to himself, in part, not to trigger you since you are struggling so much. If he has given up, some of that is his own battle and there is only so much that you can do. Continuing to work on your stability will help him.

I know it is really hard to be stable when you are in crisis. I hope your luck changes soon and will say some prayers for you, your husband, and my son this morning.

[Victoria'smom]

I told him I'd leave him alone unless he harms himself and his DNR won't count. He says there's no point to Sui it'll just make things worse and he doubt he'll succeed . I'm glad he sees that. Hopefully things will turn a corner soon. He's sleeping now. I'm hoping to use my headphones less today. I took zyprexa this morning. I'm still mad I can't remove mu tattoo. but whatever.

[Victoria'smom]

Wrote most of this last night

My husband is pissing me off. He’s been depressed for months. He hasn’t showered in weeks. He refuses to go anywhere or have anyone over. He refuses to even call his T or pdoc. He has no hope and has not done his work in 2+weeks. I don’t think he’s actively suicidal (I was wrong he is but isn’t planning) so I can’t force anything. He’s taking his meds now. I can’t keep lying for him about we’re he is at or why people can’t come over. I don’t know what to do. My parents come over anyway. They haven’t said anything but everyone notices. We see the pnurse Dec. 4th. At least he’s out of bed right? He’s talking about seeing a T again once we get a car (earliest is February).

My son started his meds again tonight. He went to a friend’s house tonight. I don’t think he’s doing well because he just up and told us he found his medication and started again. We weren’t on the subject or anything. He’s up doing things but I know he’s on shaky ground.

How am I, I don’t know not actively suicidal but passively. My family is falling apart I can’t even rightfully deny my husband’s clams he makes. I’m a horrible person. There must be something I could say but I know there’s not. He’s in this hole alone digging further and further down. My kid looks like he has the chickenpox from all the holes he has dug into his arms and face luckily it can be passed off as bad acne. I need more support but I don’t know how to get it. It’s not like anything can be done to help anyway. My therapists here have sucked. I’ve tried to take an extra 5mg of zyprexa in the morning for head chatter. I just slept all day. I don’t know what to do. I almost feel like if he won’t go iop than I should because something has to break the crazy. It’s not like I don’t always fit the requirements.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

Wrote most of this last night

My husband is pissing me off. He’s been depressed for months. He hasn’t showered in weeks. He refuses to go anywhere or have anyone over. He refuses to even call his T or pdoc. He has no hope and has not done his work in 2+weeks. I don’t think he’s actively suicidal (I was wrong he is but isn’t planning) so I can’t force anything. He’s taking his meds now. I can’t keep lying for him about we’re he is at or why people can’t come over. I don’t know what to do. My parents come over anyway. They haven’t said anything but everyone notices. We see the pnurse Dec. 4th. At least he’s out of bed right? He’s talking about seeing a T again once we get a car (earliest is February).

My son started his meds again tonight. He went to a friend’s house tonight. I don’t think he’s doing well because he just up and told us he found his medication and started again. We weren’t on the subject or anything. He’s up doing things but I know he’s on shaky ground.

How am I, I don’t know not actively suicidal but passively. My family is falling apart I can’t even rightfully deny my husband’s clams he makes. I’m a horrible person. There must be something I could say but I know there’s not. He’s in this hole alone digging further and further down. My kid looks like he has the chickenpox from all the holes he has dug into his arms and face luckily it can be passed off as bad acne. I need more support but I don’t know how to get it. It’s not like anything can be done to help anyway. My therapists here have sucked. I’ve tried to take an extra 5mg of zyprexa in the morning for head chatter. I just slept all day. I don’t know what to do. I almost feel like if he won’t go iop than I should because something has to break the crazy. It’s not like I don’t always fit the requirements.

If he won’t go iop but you do it may give you the support you need and give you strength and clarity. You’d be in a better position to know how to help them if you’re coming from a position of strength. Just a thought. You and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I agree with Jennifer1967. You have so much going on, it's been going on a long time and it sounds like it isn't stopping quickly. The one you have the most control of in this situation is yourself so maybe getting help for yourself would let you help your family.

[Blueberrybook]

Agree with the above. Please take care of yourself.

[Wild Coyote]

I also think iop will likely help you get and maintain perspective. You'd also be setting a good example for the guys.

I am sorry this is all going on for you and your family.
I hope you can help to turn it around.

Keep reaching out.

WC