I did some brownie binge eating this morning. I shouldn't have made them. I'm not entirely "right" and though I'm not a regular binge eater, sometimes when not balanced, that is my self medication. I even made a "small batch" of brownies, but if you eat almost all of them small batch doesn't matter. At least I threw away the last 25% of them, and poured soy sauce on them for good measure. I have high cholesterol. Am I trying to hurt myself? I ate the equivalent to three tablespoons of butter, plus a lot of sugar.

I have to go to the grocery store, but I don't feel up to it. But once I get in the car it will happen.

I love to cook, normally, but haven't been as enthusiastic about it lately. I sometimes wish I had a nutritionist/chef who would cook healthful, delicious, lowish fat/calorie meals for my husband and me for a few months. Then we could both drop at least 10 to 15 lbs (maybe more for hubby) and then get "reset" in a sense. With spring temps hopefully coming soon, it would also be good to finally do at least a little exercise.

I'm actually thinking about looking at those meal prep kits they sell (i.e. Blue Apron). If we found a recommended healthful meal option plan that could encourage better eating for a while and I might even be a little excited about it.

I could eat broccoli every day of the week, but I've eaten so little of it these past 22 years. Hubby hates broccoli and some other vegetables I'd LOVE to eat more of. And he dislikes my stir fries for some reason. I love them. If I ate stir fries six times per week I'd feel much better.

[Scooter9]

My mother is in surgery right now. It was scheduled so not an emergency.

Stressful but I'm glad I was with her until they took her to the operating room.

[Nammu]

Scooter, sitting with you.

[Blueberrybook]

Here I guess. Just can't keep on top of posts lately. Been wanting more & more to be less compliant with my meds. I keep thinking it will give me more energy and let me lose more weight (though I don't really need to lose weight, I need to gain, I know this, but my brain does not want to accept it).

Got my daughter back in school today after 3 days home with strep throat & flu. It's tough to have a sick child, even when your child is already 11 years old and more a teenager than a young child.

[cashart10]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I am so sorry you are struggling in this way. I’m glad you have an appointment Monday. Are you going to be safe until then? It’s good that the thought of your son keeps you around. I can understand that. I stick around for my daughter.

Do you think you need IP or IOP? You definitely could use a leave from your job as you mentioned above until you are feeling better. I hope you feel better soon and things smooth out for you. Sending big hugs and supportive vibes.

Thank you. You are a sweet heart. I think, yes, I am safe. But, I really, really wish I wasn’t. If that makes any sense.

[Under*Over]

Im feeling a good bit better today. Im cautiously optimistic that this... will stay.

Its weird but... Im feeling so different. Its odd how quickly my attitude about even big things can change when my mood changes. The changes are so intense. Every time on swing ends I beat myself up that I couldnt deal with it better- that I was being so dramatic... but I really... I have a hard time stopping the feelings. I can stop the behaviors the feelings suggest- even though thats sometimes really hard in and of itself- I do it because its important to me- but... the feelings. I just. Have a really hard time with. They are either very big, very THERE or not.

Anyways. I feel ridiculously better compared to how I have been feeling. The difference when this happens is always shocking. It doesnt even seem real that Ive been *trigger warning (suicidal)* the last 2 weeks. That feels ridiculous even though I know how bad those feelings were and how painful they were... but they just arent here.

And Im grateful. I really am. I hope this continues and they dont come back. Its been only a couple of days but I do have hope

[cashart10]

I took 3 of my students to a mainstream classroom (as I do most days) for reading centers. I felt severe disassociation and it was overwhelming and disturbing. I immediately tried grounding techniques to prevent me from taking off down the halls like I did in high school. I focused on the color of the walls, the curtains, and the things out the window. If someone said my name, I surely didn’t hear it. All I heard was noise and I felt like I was in a trance. The kids were loud, the teacher and resource teacher were loud. The kids typing and reading and laughing were loud. Everything was just loud. But, I stayed. Somehow I stayed. And I didn’t cry. I think my t would be proud. But, I do see how my job may be becoming too much for me. I told my teacher what had happened. She asked if there was anything she could do to help. I almost cried again as I told her no. I didn’t though. She has never in 2 years seen me cry. She cries all the time. We are very different. I’m not sure what to do.

[Wild Coyote]

It's Friday, which is usually my busiest day of the week. Met with pdoc and she has doubled my Wellbutrin. I hope it works... and fast!

I will sign back in over the weekend and catch up with everything.

I hope everyone has a pleasant weekend!

Love to All!

WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

My mother is in surgery right now. It was scheduled so not an emergency.

Stressful but I'm glad I was with her until they took her to the operating room.

I have been thinking of both you and your mom today. I hope all is going well.

Love and Prayers,

WC

[Scooter9]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

I have been thinking of both you and your mom today. I hope all is going well.


Love and Prayers,



WC

Thank you WC!

Things went well. There were some tense moments before surgery but the doctors took care of it.

I was with her after she came out of recovery and she was talking and drinking juice both of which are good signs. She'll get assessed tomorrow so they might release her then or Sunday. I hope it's Sunday because this was major surgery (knee replacement) but her pain level and mobility will determine that.

[Wander]

IP and waiting for my pdoc to approve leave with my parents present all the time. I wanted to go for a morning swim as he was due at 8am but it is nearly 11 am and no show. It's ok, as long as he shows in the next few hours because I can skip the beach and see my sister and four kids this afternoon. Still, waiting is so frustrating not knowing if I will be allowed out of not. I haven't been out side in 9 days so I am getting a bit stir crazy. I am hoping for a swim tomorrow if all goes well. It is going to be 100'F (or about 37'C in my language

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone and it's finally Friday. This week has been really rough. Today was much better compared the very beginning of the week. This week was really exhausting trying to get everything dealt with. I could at least stay in my office and get things done today unlike most of this week. It was so nice to be able to deal with everything that had piled up on my desk, catching up on voicemail's; emails, and everything else. I was busy today but it wasn't a bad busy like this week was. I hope next week is not like this week. I don't like being behind on anything and I was very behind on a lot of things.

I finally got dates on when the office is getting remodeled; painted and new equipment delivery. Plus a big open house afterward along with meeting the providers. It's probably going to be March before everything is the way we like it; but I am so happy that things are really shaping out and everyone is really excited for the remodel.

Tomorrow is date day so we are doing lunch with my Aunt, Uncle and the girls and then he and I are going to see What Men Want which looks really hilarious. I need a good laugh after this week. This week just felt very taxing on me; I'm just glad I'm stable so I didn't have to worry about a medical issue pop up.

Hugs to everyone

This hasn't been a very good day. The weather is miserable, 50kph winds and ice every where. I fell trying to take my dog out. She didn't like it out either so we turned around and came back in. She'll miss playing fetch with my neighbor's dog until conditions improve.

I had a gory food binge this afternoon, just blew it. I was hoping i was in menopause (52) but i got my period for the first time in five months so that's lousy too. Feeling mildly depressed over all.


Oh well: this too shall pass, i keep telling myself. That's the one thing that is certain in bipolar!

[~Christina]

Another 14 hours of sleep

So odd for a life long insomniac.

Just going to wait and see what gives

Happy Friday people !

[Pookyl]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

Another 14 hours of sleep

So odd for a life long insomniac.

Just going to wait and see what gives

Happy Friday people !

Happy Friday (sat here) right back at you. Maybe your body is finally playing catch up with the sleep

[Wander]

well my pdoc made a no-show today, which meant I could not get leave approved to go out with my parents today and see my sister and kids. He said he would drop by at 8am. It is now 3.30 pm so any leave given today, should he arrive, will be pointless for today but helpful for tomorrow so I can plan my day rather than wait for him all day again.

Sigh ... that is my tiny issue for the day. So thankful that is all for today.

[Moose72]

Colonoscopy prep started Thursday night. The drink is vile. I got half done as required- a total of half a gallon. I went to bed without any results. I got most of the 2nd half done in the morning. Had to fast yesterday too. Just clear liquids. I was sitting on the bed and threw up liquid into my mouth. Ran to the sink and threw up a ton of liquid. I called the clinic and they said they were going to call me because they had to cancel all the day's appointments because of a power failure! It's rescheduled for April. She did say shed have them give me a different prep next time. Hmmm....

[MickeyCheeky]

I hope you're doing ok, everyone. Remember that you're all stronger than you think! You've got this. Sending many hugs to everyone

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I did some brownie binge eating this morning. I shouldn't have made them. I'm not entirely "right" and though I'm not a regular binge eater, sometimes when not balanced, that is my self medication. I even made a "small batch" of brownies, but if you eat almost all of them small batch doesn't matter. At least I threw away the last 25% of them, and poured soy sauce on them for good measure. I have high cholesterol. Am I trying to hurt myself? I ate the equivalent to three tablespoons of butter, plus a lot of sugar.

I have to go to the grocery store, but I don't feel up to it. But once I get in the car it will happen.

I love to cook, normally, but haven't been as enthusiastic about it lately. I sometimes wish I had a nutritionist/chef who would cook healthful, delicious, lowish fat/calorie meals for my husband and me for a few months. Then we could both drop at least 10 to 15 lbs (maybe more for hubby) and then get "reset" in a sense. With spring temps hopefully coming soon, it would also be good to finally do at least a little exercise.

I'm actually thinking about looking at those meal prep kits they sell (i.e. Blue Apron). If we found a recommended healthful meal option plan that could encourage better eating for a while and I might even be a little excited about it.

I could eat broccoli every day of the week, but I've eaten so little of it these past 22 years. Hubby hates broccoli and some other vegetables I'd LOVE to eat more of. And he dislikes my stir fries for some reason. I love them. If I ate stir fries six times per week I'd feel much better.

I have high cholesterol too. Do you use healthy margarine spreads? I use a brand called "Promise", and there is a "lite" version of their margarine. (Light blue container.) It was recommended to me by a nutritionist when we were trying to lower my cholesterol. I've been using it ever since. And I honestly can't taste a difference in flavor when comparing it to butter. It's the only spread that doesn't taste different than butter, and I've tried PLENTY of spreads.

Not sure what to say about sugar, but I've heard (and I don't know if this is true) that stuff like Stevia doesn't fully satisfy the brain and you still crave sugar. So I just stick to regular sugar. I just use less.

[hopeless2015]

Crazy week for me, conference at work so 12/13 hour days Wednesday through Friday, I'm not used to that lol, my *** is tired but I'll like that OT when payday rolls around. Bridal shower for my niece today. Guess grocery shopping and cleaning tomorrow.

Hugs to all

[Under*Over]

Its weird. Even when I am feeling suicidal... I never cry. When I was last psychotic- and terrified out of my mind- I cried only twice and neither was for more than a couple minutes and even that felt... forced. Like I was freaking out- unable to respond to the freakout- but felt that crying would be healthier than

Possible trigger:

cutting

so I forced a couple of tears out. But it didnt feel real.

I am basically unable to cry. I cry at deaths and I cry at movies occasionally- hut that feels different. I dont... I dont cry at things that happen to ME. That reaction for some reason just- doesnt happen. I get crushed. I get sad. I turn the lights off and huddle in the corner in pain. Like my chest feels like its sinking to the floor and everything feels horrible and I feel like some sort of freakish monster who deserves

Possible trigger:

death

and I hate myself and feel just the most awful things. But I dont cry.

But I kind of wish I could. Crying can be so cathartic. And sometimes I feel like... I need that.

But Im broken somehow when it comes to crying. I replaced it with

Possible trigger:

self harm

at a time when I was too vulnerable and Im just not sure if I will be able to get the ability to cry back.

Haha, the "big storm" turned out to be 1 1/2" of snow. Having many decades experience with serious snow, this never fails to crack me up. (Though I can appreciate the factor of it's really not set up here for it.) I only dealt with the grocery store to pick up my beloved muffins that I was out of. Everyone else was just panicked or something. (The cart lines were all the way to the back of a VERY big store(!) And, well, there were NO carts. You had to wait till someone left. I was in and out with a basket and self check-out. )

There's supposedly more coming. We'll see.

So yesterday afternoon was an exercise in patience. The first leg of my commute is usually a 15 min bus ride. It turned into.... are you ready? ... 45 minutes(!!!!) when the bus driver decided he knew a "shortcut" around an accident. He landed us even further back than originally, lol! (I was sitting there thinking "WTF are you doing?! Why are you going THIS way?!") Mind you, it hadn't even started raining yet, let alone snowing... After that, a stop at the library, pharmacy, then zoo, I mean, grocery store. Got off work 2:50. Got home at 7:00(!) By then I was starving.

Doing ok mentally. Must be to have endured that with such patience. Thought you all might enjoy a laugh.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Under*Over

Its weird. Even when I am feeling suicidal... I never cry. When I was last psychotic- and terrified out of my mind- I cried only twice and neither was for more than a couple minutes and even that felt... forced. Like I was freaking out- unable to respond to the freakout- but felt that crying would be healthier than

Possible trigger:

cutting

so I forced a couple of tears out. But it didnt feel real.

I am basically unable to cry. I cry at deaths and I cry at movies occasionally- hut that feels different. I dont... I dont cry at things that happen to ME. That reaction for some reason just- doesnt happen. I get crushed. I get sad. I turn the lights off and huddle in the corner in pain. Like my chest feels like its sinking to the floor and everything feels horrible and I feel like some sort of freakish monster who deserves

Possible trigger:

death

and I hate myself and feel just the most awful things. But I dont cry.

But I kind of wish I could. Crying can be so cathartic. And sometimes I feel like... I need that.

But Im broken somehow when it comes to crying. I replaced it with

Possible trigger:

self harm

at a time when I was too vulnerable and Im just not sure if I will be able to get the ability to cry back.

I am the exact same way. When I feel depressed I can feel the tears behind my eyes but I cannot let them go. I wish I could cry too. I feel dead inside. I used to self harm as well as my coping skill. I’m much better with it now, I haven’t done it in over a year. But I swear I wish I could. I feel like it would make everything better, although I know it wouldn’t.

I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.

[wildflowerchild25]

Yesterday was very very tough to get through. It was a much calmer day at work but I just struggled. I felt like crying all day. I didn’t join in any conversations that my coworkers had. I thought they all hated me and were just waiting for me to get out of there so they could say mean things about me. I don’t think that’s entirely true but I’m not sure.

RS came over after work and I was still feeling ******. At dinner he said I looked like I was about to cry. I was. But I tried to perk up. I decided that we would watch a funny movie when we got home so I could distract myself from my awful depression. We watched one of my favorites, a hitchhikers guide to the galaxy. I did feel a little better after watching it. RS spent the night. I love sleeping with him. He just makes me feel so safe and wanted.

We stayed in bed late this morning because I couldn’t stand the thought of getting up. We finally got up at ten. RS went out to breakfast with us. I was going to take him grocery shopping with me because I hate carrying in groceries by myself but I couldn’t face it. Plus I don’t have the money until next week anyway. Only have about 100$ until Wednesday. I would have spent at least 100$ shopping because we haven’t been in a really long time. I could take the money out of my savings but I’d rather not if I can avoid it. We have enough snacks to make it through the week. Hopefully I’ll be feeling better by next week and won’t have to force myself to go. I’ve got to go buy some new bras when I get paid as well. I wore them all out and only have one left. Maybe I’ll go Monday if I’m feeling better and put it on my credit card. I but cheap bras. Perhaps why I’ve worn them all out.

Sigh. I just feel so dead inside. I sent RS home early because I didn’t want to drag him down all day. I knew he didn’t want to just sit around like a lump with me and that’s all I want to do. I am going down to my SILs house tonight because I can’t figure out a way to get out of it. Besides it’ll be good for me.

Dear agony just let go of me, please.

I know this might not seem like an accomplishment to most, but after struggling to read a single page in a novel I’ve been reading, I managed to read about 20 pages today. I would literally read half a page, if that, before giving up, but today, I finally accomplished something. My concentration is always so bad, but with the assistance of an audiobook, I was able to focus more than I normally would be able to. Of course Ritalin helped too, but I finally did something of value. I’m proud of my accomplishment, even if it’s not the greatest one out there. I finally did something other than mess around on my computer or my phone all day!

Now I’m going to make and devour some mac & cheese.