RE: TheSeaCat...

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I’m so happy to see you thriving so well ! What a change for you !!’

Job wise you were hired to do referrals and now so fast your up to co running the office !!! You must be so proud and having M and it going so wonderfully. You have made a huge change in your life. Be proud , be very proud of yourself.

Hear hear!!

[pirilin]

Got up groggy. I cheated last night and took some pills.
I mean, how many ID episodes you gonna watch.
Coffee will get me over the hump.

However, I'm happy and content.
I played the harmonica for a while.
Only one of the dogs, the youngest, doesn't harmonize.
The other two sing like a barbershop quartet.

Life IS GOOD.
Any day above ground, is a good day.
Specially if you're on the right side of the grass.

Rock on.

Cheers.

[Blueberrybook]

My mom is being prepped for gallbladder removal surgery. She ended up going to the ER after 3 days of bad stomach pain (stubborn). She ended up with a gallstone ending up in a bile duct, clogging the duct. They are removing her gallbladder but think she may have passed the gallstone; they will assess during this surgery whether she will need another.

I so hate myself for having panic attacks and anxiety driving on busy roads and freeways. She is at a hospital roughly an hour's drive away, but on the worst and busiest freeways off the Houston metro area, and I just can't drive it to be there right now Both my sisters are driving out to help, one doing a long drive from the Dallas area, anywhere from a 4-6 hr. drive, that entire route tends to be busy these days.

Anxious now about the surgery.

Suicidal thoughts are back.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Blueberrybook

My mom is being prepped for gallbladder removal surgery. She ended up going to the ER after 3 days of bad stomach pain (stubborn). She ended up with a gallstone ending up in a bile duct, clogging the duct. They are removing her gallbladder but think she may have passed the gallstone; they will assess during this surgery whether she will need another.

I so hate myself for having panic attacks and anxiety driving on busy roads and freeways. She is at a hospital roughly an hour's drive away, but on the worst and busiest freeways off the Houston metro area, and I just can't drive it to be there right now Both my sisters are driving out to help, one doing a long drive from the Dallas area, anywhere from a 4-6 hr. drive, that entire route tends to be busy these days.

Anxious now about the surgery.

I am sorry to hear about your mom needing surgery, but hope it goes smoothly and she recovers quickly. It must be hard not to be able to be there. Try to offer yourself some self compassion. At the moment, it is where you are and hating yourself not being able to make the drive will only make you feel worse.

[Sunflower123]

Struggling today. Also found out that someone I’ve grown close to on another forum is having their PC account deleted due to the negativity there. Of course I wish them well but it hurts...a lot. At least I got to say goodbye.

Warm wishes and hugs to all.

[yellow_fleurs]

Hi everyone! My friend from out of town visited last night and I felt really great talking to her last night and this morning before she left. Work was decent. I was supposed to swim but the pool was closed so I will go again another day this week. I tried to make dinner, but various things happened along the way, and right now I am drinking a smoothie instead haha. I won't bother you with the details.
On another note, I question if I can ever forgive myself for all the mistakes I have made in the past. They just keeping blindsiding me out of nowhere and it's pretty dreadful. I know they are all my responsibility, I just sometimes feel like I somehow ended up with a broken compass, then one day woke up to that and was like oh my..I have been walking the wrong way this whole time. But, thing was, I was trying to walk the right path, it was not an intentional thing I just ended up going off course by accident. I put a lot of effort into trying to go the right path. So I am just frustrated at myself. Welp, I've got the rest of my life with myself, so might as well try to make friends.

[UpDownMiddleGround]

I feel "middle ground" but I might not be. I went out with a friend last night(uncharacteristic, esp. on a work night), had a few drinks (uncharacteristic), and almost bought a car today. Buying a car seems like something that I really need to do right now but last week it didn't even cross my mind. I promised myself last time I impulsively bought a car that I would not make any major purchases without sleeping on it. I became really angry at the car dealership and really overwhelmed with the noises and the info that was being presented. I'm so worked up right now that I can't wind myself down.

[Wander]

Originally Posted by spikes

Suicidal thoughts are back.

Let us, and your pdoc/T, know if it gets worse. Hope they pass soon.

[wildflowerchild25]

I met with T today. For the first time in a few weeks I actually stayed for the full 50 minutes. I’ve been leaving after 40 because we run out of things to talk about. She said something that stick with me. She said that when you lose someone it brings up all the other losses in your life. So now I’m sitting here missing my husband, my father in law, and my dad. My dad died when I was ten and it really messed me up. I finally made my peace with it when I was 20. And tonight I just miss him. The way he laughed, the way he joked around, the way he always played with me even when he was sick. He was a great father. And my father in law was a father figure to me. So I guess that’s why it’s hitting home so hard.

The funeral is on Saturday at the same funeral home that I had my husband’s funeral at. I haven’t been back there since he died. That’s going to make it extra hard. I’m going to be a mess. Thank god RS is going with me. He came over tonight and just held me for awhile. It felt so good to be in his arms. I love him so much and I can’t believe how incredibly lucky I am to have found him.

Sigh. I hope I can function at work for the next few days.

[UpDownMiddleGround]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I met with T today. For the first time in a few weeks I actually stayed for the full 50 minutes. I’ve been leaving after 40 because we run out of things to talk about. She said something that stick with me. She said that when you lose someone it brings up all the other losses in your life. So now I’m sitting here missing my husband, my father in law, and my dad. My dad died when I was ten and it really messed me up. I finally made my peace with it when I was 20. And tonight I just miss him. The way he laughed, the way he joked around, the way he always played with me even when he was sick. He was a great father. And my father in law was a father figure to me. So I guess that’s why it’s hitting home so hard.

The funeral is on Saturday at the same funeral home that I had my husband’s funeral at. I haven’t been back there since he died. That’s going to make it extra hard. I’m going to be a mess. Thank god RS is going with me. He came over tonight and just held me for awhile. It felt so good to be in his arms. I love him so much and I can’t believe how incredibly lucky I am to have found him.

Sigh. I hope I can function at work for the next few days.

I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my father when I was 7. I've had a few other losses that have brought up the memory of his death. I'm glad that you have someone to support you.

I feel nice and mellow. I've really settled down to my depression. I laid around all day. I didn't go out or shower. I'm so lucky that i don't have any obligations. I'm alone but i'm not lonely.

[Pookyl]

Still unsettled which annoys me.

[TheSeaCat]

Hello everyone and happy Tuesday; I hope everyone is having a great Tuesday. Work was strange if yesterday was complaint central today was complement central with the remodel. I like complements a lot better than I like complaints, I still have a few complaints of why was this changed but it was nothing like yesterday in terms of the complaints. I think and hope people are starting to realize all the changes are a good thing for patients and obviously the clinic staff. The compliments were rather nice and most of the patient's today seemed really happy and excited for the change; and the providers didn't seem as off today. I think yesterday was just trying to get used to things and dealing with obviously shocked patients. Today was a lot better in that regard.

After work I had received a strange phone call from my father in which he said he was proud of me and my huge accomplishment and that he and mom would be in attendance for the Open House and Meet The Provider Night. I still don't know what to make of that phone call; since well things were a wreck at Christmas and his opinion of my relationship with M and he has been very outspoken that M is to old for me, but after the trip he didn't say anything bad about M or my relationship for a change; and now the proud phone call. I don't know what to make of it. I am glad he wants to come; I just don't know what to make of it.

I am starting to feel the anxiety about tomorrow night; I just get this feeling that something bad is going to happen and sadly my gut instinct is pretty accurate.

Hugs to everyone

[Sunflower123]

I’ve got a busy day lined up for tomorrow to keep my mind busy: water arerobics at 5:30, brother to lab, dogs to groomer, pick up Mom’s medicine, bible study, PT, dental appointment then heading out to meet my daughter for a late lunch meal.

Looking forward to a busy day to get out of my head for awhile. Supposed to be a beautiful day as well for traveling.

Hope everybody has a peaceful Wednesday.

[TheSeaCat]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

RE: TheSeaCat...

Hear hear!!

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

TheSeaCat, I'm happy to read that your heart rate is lower. I know what a relief that is as I, too, used to experience tachycardia. Your job certainly sounds like it's going well.

Thank you both for your comments I really appreciate you both. Everyone here is just so sweet and kind.

IZ: I am sorry to hear the new job isn't going so great; I hope you get a reprise soon.

BirdDancer: I am really glad that my heart rate is down into the 90's it makes things much easier honestly and yes I adore my job to pieces. I am eternally for my Cardiologist for sticking with me and finally finding the right medication. I am sorry your husband isn't feeling the best; I hope he get's to feeling better.

[Wander]

Well, it is Wednesday afternoon here. 5.30pm. Today has been generally good. Hung out with my parents this morning. They are very supportive but don't really like talking about my illness. That's ok. I am so lucky to have them.

After that I went to see my T. We mostly chatted about my recent mixed psychotic episode. It has kinda freaked me out and only ended three weeks ago. Now I have university and other commitments it just feels weird going from such depths of illness to feeling fine and living life. The episode terrified me, and so does it returning. It is just so weird to snap back into reality literally overnight then carry on as if it never happened.

My T understood how I feel. We chatted about it for a while. He said being busy is helpful but so is talking about it so I can process it and move on. We agreed that it seems the Ziprasodone (Geodon) not only pulled me out of psychosis but also stabilised my mood. This has never happened before. I have never had a medication work so well. I have never been stable so now I have finally achieved it I will do everything I can to stay this way. I just cannot bear another mixed episode again. I doubt I would survive. My life has beaten me down and I am too vulnerable.

[pirilin]

It's a beautiful morning in paradise.

I have an appointment with the eye butcher in an hour.
I don't know why I'm so settled. It's boring.
I feel solemn. Like a king in his castle.

La Bruja is coming back from India today.
At some ungodly hour tonite.
I told her not to sleep in Miami. So I'll drive
the six hours at night. Least I can do.
After being in a plane from Istanbul for
thirteen hours, she won't be too feisty.
Anyway I'll pick up some stuff around.
Not nearly all of it, I have a hernia, A curse and a blessing.

In hopes that all of you are in good health,
I remain,

Very Truly Yours,

The King.

Cheers.

[Blue_Bird]

I feel really good, finally came out of a long depressive episode. Best I've felt in a year maybe.

Possible trigger:

I apologize in advance for tmi, the only problem is I'm feeling hypersexual and I feel ashamed for feeling that way. It's like the past several days I can't get it off my mind and I constantly feel like having it.... I'm not normally like that... I mean I went maybe a year without even thinking about sex. Now I feel turned on all the time and it's driving me crazy sorry. I know that's kind of weird. I used to get that way in my late teens when I was manic (18-19) and did many stupid impulsive/reckless things regarding it back then. I'm 24 now, as much as I want to do something stupid I won't.
It's just aggravating feeling this way

[Blue_Bird]

Took my prn Klonopin and drank some stress relief/relaxing tea. Might put on my scented wax warmer. I'm having a hard time focosing today. I'm going to relax for awhile then see if I can get myself to sit down and work on my assignments for college classes.

[Merlin]

I’m doing well. I had an appointment today with pdoc and we covered a range of topics. I tend to be worst premenstrually, but we’re going to try behavioural strategies rather than increasing meds prior to my period. I hust booked a trip to see my grandparents in early June so I’m excited about that. I’m going to do some studying this afternoon and by card making supplies as well. I’m cooking what I hope will be a delicious shrimp jambalaya for supper.

[~Christina]

Saw my T today much needed

I’m so aggro it’s not funny the slightest thing makes me want to blow a artery. Ugh.

Just sitting in my T’s office helped me so much but soon as I left BAM it was back. Oh well

Hopefully I won’t snap of here.

[yellow_fleurs]

~Christina hope it passes soon.

[wildflowerchild25]

I feel completely dead inside. Today was SO hard. I could barely convince myself to go to work. I only did because I actually like this job and don’t want to get fired. I can’t imagine making it through the next two days. I just want to stay in bed and sleep. I tried to take a nap but I couldn’t fall asleep. I just laid in bed and then got up and ate my feelings again. I’m just getting fatter and fatter and it’s not helping but I can’t concentrate on dieting right now so **** it.

I wish I could cry. I know I’ll be crying my eyes out at the funeral but so far I haven’t cried at all except for a tear or two on Monday. I don’t know why it’s so difficult for me to cry. I’ve always been this way. When my dad died I only cried for like a minute or two after mom told me and then not again for years. I cry out of frustration and sometimes when I’m severely depressed. I cried a lot when my husband died but even then it was only for a month or two then it ceased. I don’t know what my problem is.

Well RS is on his way to comfort me. I feel bad relying on him so much when we just started dating three months ago. Of course we all though my father in law would have more time. We didn’t know it would be five months.

Sigh. At least I showered. I don’t know when the last time I showered was. I think Saturday but I’m not sure. I’ve been washing my hair but I need to wash my *** too lol.

Saturday is going to suck.

[Unrigged64072835]

Took our cat to the vet. She has polyps in her ears that are getting bigger. We may have to do surgery in 6 months, more or less. We had to scrap all our summer plans in case she needs it, because she’ll need a specialist and I don’t just have that kind of money hanging around. Otherwise she’s fat but fine.

Frustrating but the joys of being a pet owner...

I’m okay. Just would’ve liked to get out more this summer.