[Tryingtobehappy5]

So I dont really know whats going on with me. Im not sleeping well but i'm not really happy or productive anymore and i'm not sure if i'm depressed, i don't think so though. The war inside my head is too much lately and i keep flipping between wanting to get better and saying f*** it.

I started drinking again Friday and haven't stopped so Im back to drinking every night. Today i was freaking out about having no alcohol in the house until iwent and got more.

Drove so far today to see pdoc and really needed to see her to talk about the drinking and not taking meds properly and SH and she wasnt even there for my appt. I cried so much, i dont know what she could have done but i really like her and wanted to talk to her.

I told my T last week things werent working and asked if she had ideaa on how we could work together better. Instead she told me her and her colleagues felt like some more intensive program called psychosocial rehab or an inpatient dbt progam would be better for me.

I just feel let down by everyone and just want to quit. The only person i don't feel let down by is my gp and while i can get in with her quickly i don't think she can help me.

If anyone has an idea what those programs might be like and if they might be helpful let me know please. Im failing and now starting to shut people out even though i know it doesn't help. I need to fix this because every day i care less and its bad already if not too late yet.

[sarahsweets]

When you are actively in your addiction everything is clouded. Stopping drinking all of a sudden can kill you. I did it and the only reason I believe I didnt have seizures was because I was on lamictal for bipolar. A medical detox is the safest way to stop drinking. That period is generally only five days but I believe you need more support. A day program could help you learn how to get through the cravings.

[piano97]

If you do not have the self-control and ability to limit etoh intake to something safe and reasonable, it's very dangerous and you can not drink, at all.

Will never go well.

By safe and reasonable, I mean 1, possibly 2 at most, drinks in one sitting, at a reasonable time of day not near medication times, and at most, a couple times a week. There's nothing inherent wrong with etoh, and actually has some amount of health benefit, but not outside the parameters I mentioned.

Sarah gave great advice. Do not feel bad about yourself, nor the situation.
That you are observing it's a problem is great, and bodes well for you.

Please take care of yourself.

[PsychoPhil]

You are still young and you have beautiful kids that need you. If you only started drinking on Friday you can stop today. Please.

Remember how you felt without alcohol and compare to what you are writing in the second sentence from the start of this thread. I side with your T an inpatient program is best if that's what it takes. Much better still if you could quit on your own, because you want it and your family deserves it.

I wish you all the best, please get better.

Tryingtobehappy5, that sucks that you got to your far away pdoc's office only for them not be there, especially since you were willing to talk about what's happening. Please keep communicating the truth of what's happening and don't give up!

An intensive day program could be quite helpful for you. Does that program offer support specifically for people with mental illness combined with addictions/abuse (dual diagnosis)? Does that program offer psychiatrist visits along with therapy?

I know first hand how difficult it is to quit abusing alcohol while trying to get my bipolar under control. One feeds the other. But I eventually did get both under control, especially the alcohol abuse.

I'm not sure how helpful DBT is for dual diagnosis (bipolar/abuse). I attended DBT in Intensive Outpatient programs, but not during times I struggled with alcohol abuse. During my early treatment, I went to a more traditional Intensive outpatient program. My thoughts on DBT are that as long as DBT is combined with some process group and/or addiction counseling it may be helpful during early dual recovery. If the DBT is strictly DBT skills training, it may not get at the root of the problem sufficiently. DBT is helpful for bipolar disorder, but is not the best for bipolar in terms of specific coping needs/skills for bipolar disorder. I also think that DBT skills alone may not cut the mustard for addictions issues. If the DBT is suggested, you may want to ask if a process group and addiction session are also included in that suggested program.

There are meds that may be able to help with alcohol cravings. I tried two in the long ago past and found one somewhat helpful. However, stabilizing moods is the most important goal and getting help to find ways to cope in healthier ways than alcohol/drugs.

It's hard to fully stabilize moods when drinking. That's why both mental health and addiction/abuse should ideally be addressed at the same time.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

The only reason I even care is because of my family. I love my kids and my H so much. And I have been doing better with the kids since my last IP and I don't want to ruin how happy they are now. Of course H is worried, we both know what happens if this keeps going. Maybe I will ask him to talk to T for me and get me referred to both because I would have to wait and see about the dbt anyway. Do you think that would be a cop out? I don't know if I can talk to anyone now, I feel like shutting down completely but if I dont get help soon like possibly within days things will be so bad I wont accept any help anymore at all. Maybe having someone new right now would help.

This is what T said about the psychosocial program: more regular check-ins, helping with adherence to treatment plan/goals, medication compliance, and monitoring to provide support to prevent and manage crises.

And this is info on the dbt, I guess it has a long wait list though. CODI is about mental health/ substance use disorders:
Mindfulness practice, Life Skills groups, cooking, exercise, recreational outings, multisensory environment, vocational incentive program, co-occurring disorder initiative (CODI), Mindfulness meditation group, DBT peer group, contributing group, and Creative Expressions group. Patients also receive individual therapy and group skills training. Our team includes psychiatry, psychology, social work, occupational therapy, nurses, and nursing assistants.

I honestly just feel like I shouldn't need all of this. In two years I have gone from completely self sufficient to some useless person with substance abuse issues and bipolar who needs constant help and hospital stays just to stop herself from constantly attempting suicide. Anytime I ask for help I just feel worse, they slap another label on me, refer me to something else because they can't help me. I am angry that any of this happened. It's hard to accept that I have to work on anything, much easier to just drink it away but I really can't stop properly. One or two drinks is not possible for me and after only a few days I felt so worried about not having any alcohol in the house.

I was on naltrexone for the cravings but I don't know that it helped. As soon as my mood changed the cravings were back. I dont take my meds properly(managed to for only a couple weeks after getting home) though and I drink and I can't tell if my moods are the cause or effect anymore. The only time I had any physical problems quitting was when I drank for a month straight. Normally now it's only a week or so before things get so bad I'm IP.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Tryingtobehappy5 I hope you'll be able to contact your T soon. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. You've been given soem great advice in this thread. I'd suggest to follow it if you can. I hope you'll be able to contact your T soon. I agree with all the others that a program could really help you right now. I'm so sorry. It must be very hard for you right now. I hope you'll be able to get the help you need and deserve. If you feel like it's necessary, I'd suggest to go to the hospital if you can. I understand it's not an easy decision to make, but your safety must be the priority. You deserve to get better and to feel good. You deserve to live a good life just like everyone else. Please remember that things won't stay like this forever. They can and will get better. Please don't give up. You're a wonderful person. I'm sure you'll get through this. We're here for you if you need to talk about it. Stay strong, Tryingtobehappy5. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Remember that you're strong. You're a warrior. Try to hang on. Remember that you're not weak. You're just a person who's struggling right now. You just need some help. That's all. I hope you'll be able to talk to your doctors soon. Just try to do your best. That's all you can do after all. I'm sure you'll get through this somehow. Just give it your best shot. You're worth it. Your life is worth it. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[Tryingtobehappy5]

When I asked H what he thought about the programs and if we could talk about it he got angry and told me he doesnt care anymore. So I obviously didnt ask him to talk to anyone for me. He doesnt want me to go away he said its too much for him to take care of the kids and 2 years of this **** is all he can handle. He has already said before its not fair that he cant drink when I keep going back to it anyway so Im sure that will end. Im sure he wont take my meds if I am not doing well and likely to misuse them either. Now hes not talking to me at all.

He seen his gp earlier and was referred to see a T because of his anxiety and fast pulse which he has had since this started and is obviously my fault. He said one day he will drop dead and wont have to deal with any of it.

So now everyone I asked for help has said they arent able anymore. Either I manage on my own or let myself die, Im sure if I end up manic again I will succeed.

Thanks for the encouragement, I will just try to get through this on my own.

[piano97]

U R not on your own...you are talking to folks on here, so that's good to be reaching out.

How did yesterday go? Any intake of etoh? Hopefully not.

I'm talking off hand here, and not giving medical advice, but could you sedate the '''' out of yourself for 3-4 days with the prn seroquel you have? I don't know if/how often you take it, just saw it in your signiture. If it's not taken reguarly, 100mg should do the trick. Even 1-2 days might be sufficient to get over the hump.

You also mentioned concern of impending early stage mania....yet another benefit of seroquel, there's good odds it can shut it down rapidly, or enough.

Don't beat yourself up, things will work their way out, not always on our own schedule, but u r not alone out there in the world. This is not unique (I mean that in a supportive way, that others have experienced this before, and gotten thru it).

If you don't go to a program per se, make the program in-house. U have internet and seem of at least above average intelligence. Utilize what you have. You are stronger than you are realizsing.

Sorry the H is not being helpful. And sorry the kids are a on-going factor and consideration. Is very important to take good care of them at all times. But seriously, that is a lot of work. I don't know how you all do it. (parents. and marriage for that matter).

Hang in there.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Thanks @piano97 I would agree that I am fairly intelligent lol unfortunately that doesnt seem to do anything for me when it comes to my mental health and so that part of my life does a good job ruining the rest. I dont work well on my own when it comes to this stuff. I do have a cbt book and have been given homework type things during all my IP stays but I dont really do any of it.

I havent drank the past 2 nights and also took my meds as prescribed so I am proud of that, it was definitely helpful to have everyone remind me that I can do it and that Im worth it. Even though you dont know me, you can all relate in some way and that is what I love about this place.

H is being less mean about things but he has pulled away and that still hurts.

I told myself I would just pretend there was no problem and that eventually if I said it enough it would be true. I realized this morning that completely ignoring the problem wont make it dissapear. Mostly because I was thinking about going to my gp to talk because I was feeling completely unable to respond to T or call my Pdoc. I really like my gp and wanted to talk to her but I couldnt even pick up the phone to see her either. I was going to stay away from this page as well, just take the meds but again pretend there is no issue and there will never be an issue but thats not very realistic. I know isolating myself is one of my major issues and if I completely stop talking to anyone about my mental health it is not me making a good decision which is exactly what I was convincing myself was something I could do on my own.

I emailed T and simply said to refer me to the programs and then I will decide what I will do when they get ahold of me. Thats all I could say to her but I sent the email so thats whats important.

Oh, and I hate seroquel haha I used it once maybe a week or two ago 50mg and ya it put me out for two days but then I was right back to barely sleeping and hyper. Probably if I used it longer it could pull me out completely. Whatever was going on has stopped though, Im exhausted and sick now. My appetite was down from drinking and my body doesnt do well with that plus taking all my meds again and maybe even stopping drinking(can it affect you that quickly). Couldnt even go to work this morning and was throwing up badly last night. Hopefully by tonight I will feel better.

Never alone, Tryingtobehappy -- we are here. There's no need to isolate from others, maybe even especially us -- after all, we get it.

I'm sorry your H isn't being more supportive, but it isn't necessary for your success. YOU can do it. And you don't have to do it alone. (Which isn't to say you don't need to do the work of trying to make the better decision. No one can do that for you. But it's one decision at a time to opt for the healthier thing, whether it is physical or mental. Perfection not required, it is the striving, the moving towards your goal.). You've got support here and from your T and pdoc. Sounds like a pretty good team.

You can do it, and you are so worth it. Even if it doesn't feel that way right now. Remember, not only your T and pdoc, but people from around the world(!!) are rooting for you!

[Tryingtobehappy5]

I am so thankful to have this site. I feel very supported here. I responded to my T and she is referring me to both programs and even sent me a goal sheet that I really like, I think it will be good to focus on one or two things at a time. I mostly get lost in all of my ideas at once.

H has apologized for acting the way he did, I do understand that he had a bad day though it still hurts a little that he said that I know I have said worse things. He had his first appt with a T and really enjoyed it and plans to go back. I am happy for him and it will definitely be good for our whole family to have him releasing some of his emotions and stress in a better way.

I feel so much better choosing not to isolate. It was hurting me after only a day or two, I need support, maybe even a lot of support. I dont love that but I just have to accept life the way it is now. Since trying to do that I already have calmed down in general, been able to do more with kids and get more done during the day plus I have taken all of my meds and not drank since Tuesday. For me that is actually really great.