[sadveiledbride]

feeling more and more like **** lately. hope everyone else is doing well

[BeyondtheRainbow]

It's 5:15 AM and like so many 5:15 lately I'm awake sick from whatever I caught in the Domican Republic. All my standard tests came back and I'm on a 2nd antibiotic that works on GI issues. I got a few days break which is the best it's been since I got sick the 28th but I shouldn't still be sick.

I'm getting depressed because I feel so yucky and haven't been out doing much in case I was contagious. The NP said I'm can go out if I am careful with hand hygiene but that doesn't help with needing to be near a bathroom all the time. I'm going to have to do phone therapy today since I've had to cancel the last 2 weeks. And I need in person therapy for most of what I want to say.

I have been allowed to eat whatever I want but 2 days into adding food and here we go again.

I'm just so tired. Physically i'm tired from not feeling well and depression is making me tired because this just sucks.

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

bluebicyle, happy birthday to your grandma!.

Thanks!

My grandma went to her favorite restaurant yesterday and got her favorite dish -- baked haddock with squash. I don't think anyone else in our group particularly liked the food, though. lol. But it was my grandma's birthday and it's her favorite place, so as long as she was happy, we were happy.

She LOVED her jersey and said she couldn't wait to wear it around her building. (She lives in an elderly apartment community that's basically subsidized housing. Not assisted living.) It was also a PERFECT fit.

---

Anyway, I found out that my sister's boyfriend now has to wear hearing aids for the rest of his life because of a concussion he had a while back. He's only 21 (like she is). I feel bad that someone else caused his concussion (on purpose too, I think) and that now he is permanently stuck with hearing aids. Must've been one hell of a concussion. But I knew for a while that he struggled with his hearing after the concussion. It's just sad because he's so young. His ears bother him all the time, too.

I kind of want to give him something to cheer him up. I don't know what, though. But you could tell from his facial expression yesterday that he wasn't doing well.

[Scooter9]

I haven't hit my baseline since last Thursday. It was pleasant that day and I'm hoping for more to come but for now I'm back to my regular lows.

I went shopping with my younger son this weekend for some new clothes for me. I lost a lot of weight when I reacted badly to Lamictal and it hasn't come back in almost 2 years but I still have the same clothes which are now really loose (I lost 40 pounds).

I bought a few pairs of pants and a couple of shirts that fit way better and according to my son are fashionable too.

We also had a nice conversation with my older son who is still with us visiting. I'm happy he decided to stay longer and it's always nice having conversations with him even if they aren't easy ones.

I haven't mentioned my cat here but he's 20 and is not doing well. He had cancer removed from his skin a couple of months ago and his mind is going. He poops everywhere now and has other issues.

I hope I don't sound harsh but I think his time has come. He's declining quickly and I don't think old age will treat him well. We're also having difficulty coping with his pooping everywhere. We'll have to replace all the carpets after he's gone. Just taking it a week at a time at the moment.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

It's 5:15 AM and like so many 5:15 lately I'm awake sick from whatever I caught in the Domican Republic. All my standard tests came back and I'm on a 2nd antibiotic that works on GI issues. I got a few days break which is the best it's been since I got sick the 28th but I shouldn't still be sick.

I'm getting depressed because I feel so yucky and haven't been out doing much in case I was contagious. The NP said I'm can go out if I am careful with hand hygiene but that doesn't help with needing to be near a bathroom all the time. I'm going to have to do phone therapy today since I've had to cancel the last 2 weeks. And I need in person therapy for most of what I want to say.

I have been allowed to eat whatever I want but 2 days into adding food and here we go again.

I'm just so tired. Physically i'm tired from not feeling well and depression is making me tired because this just sucks.

Hi!

You have been on my mind a lot.

I am very sorry you continue ill.
I wish I could help somehow.

Has your mom been able to help you?
How are your kitties responding to your not feeling well? I ask because pets are often very sensitive to the "status" their guardians.

I am here for you should you need to vent or need support -- whatever I can do to help.

I hope and pray you will recover soon.

Love and Prayers ~

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Sorry to have been scarce the last few days. I thought I'd spend one day being totally lazy and recovering. But then I haven't wanted to do anything since. Sure feeling like depression. Wanting to sleep all the time, hiding in my room, feeling totally **** about myself, not caring about or feeling much of anything, irritable, not wanting to do anything. It all seems like such a chore. Today was the first day I was determined to put clothes on (as opposed to pjs). I did. Then promptly went to sleep in them. I forced myself to walk to the store tonight to get bandaids. I'm supposed to take the bulky bandaging off and put a bandaid over the scar/stitches and all I had was little ones that don't stay put. So needed something a bit more robust.

Aaaanyhow... I couldn't help but wonder if the painkillers hit a switch. Even though I only took them for one day. (??) I will try to force myself out tomorrow. If I don't start coming out of this ... hopefully just a blip ...I will add Abilify (basically my PRN) back in.

Other than that, healing up very well. I only get a zing of pain if I try to do something requiring strength. Ziplock bags are a *****. Who would have thought?(!)

Hey there, Innerzone!

It's great to hear from you!

I am so sorry you are having a trying time.

I hear you about pain meds possibly playing a role. I also wonder about anesthesia having an effect?

I hope you feel much better soon!

Much Love ~

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by sadveiledbride

feeling more and more like **** lately. hope everyone else is doing well

Hi!

I am very sorry you have such a difficult time.

Please forgive me, I have forgotten; do you see a pdoc and/or a therapist?

What types of activities, or other "things," help you with your depression?

You have an interesting user name. Do you consider yourself to be a sad veiled bride?

Please keep reaching out! Much Love ~

[Wild Coyote]

A Warm Hello to All!

I am having a rough day, so far. I am tired and a bit agitated. I cannot focus for long, and not at all if there is noise around me. I find I can respond to short posts today. I hope to get to longer ones later today, if possible. I am very irritable and, probably, for very good reason. I wish I could write openly and honestly; however, I cannot at this time.
Off to attend to an important task.

I hope everyone is enJOYing their Monday!!!

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

I haven't hit my baseline since last Thursday. It was pleasant that day and I'm hoping for more to come but for now I'm back to my regular lows.

I went shopping with my younger son this weekend for some new clothes for me. I lost a lot of weight when I reacted badly to Lamictal and it hasn't come back in almost 2 years but I still have the same clothes which are now really loose (I lost 40 pounds).

I bought a few pairs of pants and a couple of shirts that fit way better and according to my son are fashionable too.

We also had a nice conversation with my older son who is still with us visiting. I'm happy he decided to stay longer and it's always nice having conversations with him even if they aren't easy ones.

I haven't mentioned my cat here but he's 20 and is not doing well. He had cancer removed from his skin a couple of months ago and his mind is going. He poops everywhere now and has other issues.

I hope I don't sound harsh but I think his time has come. He's declining quickly and I don't think old age will treat him well. We're also having difficulty coping with his pooping everywhere. We'll have to replace all the carpets after he's gone. Just taking it a week at a time at the moment.

It's nice to read about your enJOYment of your sons!

It's so tough when we reach the place where we may have to consider euthanizing our pets. It is a sad position to be in.

Please take good care during this time.

[wildflowerchild25]

I had another horrible dream last night. This time I was laying in bed with RS and he was holding me when out of the blue he said we need to talk. He said horrible things to me, like he doesn’t feel like comforting me anymore and he couldn’t believe anyone could like me in the first place. I was so shocked. Then I began to get angry. I started cursing at him and screaming at him to get out. He just laughed at me. Then his sister (he doesn’t actually have a sister) said he gets like that when he has seizures. So now I’m panicking and calling 911 because I think he’s having a seizure. They come and they have to shock his heart because at this point he’s not breathing. He wakes up and I’m so relieved that I just hug him and cry. Then I woke up. It was the middle of the night. So I went to the bathroom and came back and gave him a kiss but he didn’t wake up so I had to go to sleep again with this awful dream in my head.

I had more bad dreams; one where my car got stolen but the police wouldn’t let me call someone to come get me because they said I was hysterical (I wasn’t, just pissed). This was a very real fear I had in March of 2018. I was very paranoid that police were following me and would pull me over and think I was on drugs because of my erratic behavior. I was convinced I would go to jail or be committed to the hospital. So that dream was quite unpleasant as well. Then I had another one where I was stuck in high school again and I had to do testing for special services and I was so MAD I just kept getting irritable with the tester. This actually happened to me when I was 15.

All in all a fitful night and as a result a rough day. Made no easier by the fact that it was hot af again even though they said it was supposed to be cooler and the power went out at my job. Then the fire alarm went off and it wasn’t a drill so we had to stand outside in the hot sun waiting for the fire company for 20 minutes, then stand around outside waiting for the buses to organize themselves (this happened at the end of the day) so all in all standing in the hot sun for a good 35 minutes. And I wear pants to work! Ugh.

I’m going to go to the gym to work out some of this energy. I have to be on my game tomorrow for my interview.

[fern46]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

A Warm Hello to All!

I am having a rough day, so far. I am tired and a bit agitated. I cannot focus for long, and not at all if there is noise around me. I find I can respond to short posts today. I hope to get to longer ones later today, if possible. I am very irritable and, probably, for very good reason. I wish I could write openly and honestly; however, I cannot at this time.
Off to attend to an important task.

I hope everyone is enJOYing their Monday!!!

I'm so sorry your day has been difficult. Sometimes you just have to take a step back and breathe. You have so much going on right now. Its ok to be unfocused for a while and to just space out a bit. The thoughts will coalesce when they are ready. Huge hugs to you.

Hubby took the day off today. We went to Home Depot and a special stone-related shop to consider quartz counter tops and a new sink/faucet. The price quote given by Home Depot was hundreds of dollars more than the second shop. If we pay the stone shop by cash or check, then the Home Depot price is $1,000 more. We'll be looking for reviews online. If the reviews of the private stone-related product shop are mostly good, we'll go with that. It's a shame, the Home Depot serviceman was far nicer than the one at the cheaper shop.

We went out to lunch at a Thai restaurant. It was yummy. That's my dinner tonight, too.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

It's 5:15 AM and like so many 5:15 lately I'm awake sick from whatever I caught in the Domican Republic. All my standard tests came back and I'm on a 2nd antibiotic that works on GI issues. I got a few days break which is the best it's been since I got sick the 28th but I shouldn't still be sick.


I'm getting depressed because I feel so yucky and haven't been out doing much in case I was contagious. The NP said I'm can go out if I am careful with hand hygiene but that doesn't help with needing to be near a bathroom all the time. I'm going to have to do phone therapy today since I've had to cancel the last 2 weeks. And I need in person therapy for most of what I want to say.


I have been allowed to eat whatever I want but 2 days into adding food and here we go again.


I'm just so tired. Physically i'm tired from not feeling well and depression is making me tired because this just sucks.

They might need to do a quick scope to take a sample and see exactly what bacteria is growing and causing this.

Honestly I’d ask for a referral to a Infection Specialist at this point. You have been sick far too long

I hope you turn the corner soon

[Scooter9]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

It's nice to read about your enJOYment of your sons!


It's so tough when we reach the place where we may have to consider euthanizing our pets. It is a sad position to be in.


Please take good care during this time.

Thanks WC!

Yes, sad about my cat but it's part of life. He had a good life with my sons growing up.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I had another horrible dream last night. This time I was laying in bed with RS and he was holding me when out of the blue he said we need to talk. He said horrible things to me, like he doesn’t feel like comforting me anymore and he couldn’t believe anyone could like me in the first place. I was so shocked. Then I began to get angry. I started cursing at him and screaming at him to get out. He just laughed at me. Then his sister (he doesn’t actually have a sister) said he gets like that when he has seizures. So now I’m panicking and calling 911 because I think he’s having a seizure. They come and they have to shock his heart because at this point he’s not breathing. He wakes up and I’m so relieved that I just hug him and cry. Then I woke up. It was the middle of the night. So I went to the bathroom and came back and gave him a kiss but he didn’t wake up so I had to go to sleep again with this awful dream in my head.


I had more bad dreams; one where my car got stolen but the police wouldn’t let me call someone to come get me because they said I was hysterical (I wasn’t, just pissed). This was a very real fear I had in March of 2018. I was very paranoid that police were following me and would pull me over and think I was on drugs because of my erratic behavior. I was convinced I would go to jail or be committed to the hospital. So that dream was quite unpleasant as well. Then I had another one where I was stuck in high school again and I had to do testing for special services and I was so MAD I just kept getting irritable with the tester. This actually happened to me when I was 15.


All in all a fitful night and as a result a rough day. Made no easier by the fact that it was hot af again even though they said it was supposed to be cooler and the power went out at my job. Then the fire alarm went off and it wasn’t a drill so we had to stand outside in the hot sun waiting for the fire company for 20 minutes, then stand around outside waiting for the buses to organize themselves (this happened at the end of the day) so all in all standing in the hot sun for a good 35 minutes. And I wear pants to work! Ugh.


I’m going to go to the gym to work out some of this energy. I have to be on my game tomorrow for my interview.

I am so sorry your still being plagued by nightmares like these.

Something I have been thinking about. Looking back over the years when you have gone in a downward spiral often nightmares are the start.

I’m not sure , but do you still see a T ?? If not I really would advise doing so, you need some help to process somethings that will allow you to break away from the constant turmoil.

I hope you find some relief from all this bullshyt

[wildflowerchild25]

I do see my t once a week. In fact, I am seeing her tomorrow. I plan on discussing these dreams. I’m really tired of waking up with a racing heart and out of breath.

Thanks for caring Christina

[Unrigged64072835]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Sorry to have been scarce the last few days. I thought I'd spend one day being totally lazy and recovering. But then I haven't wanted to do anything since. Sure feeling like depression. Wanting to sleep all the time, hiding in my room, feeling totally **** about myself, not caring about or feeling much of anything, irritable, not wanting to do anything. It all seems like such a chore. Today was the first day I was determined to put clothes on (as opposed to pjs). I did. Then promptly went to sleep in them. I forced myself to walk to the store tonight to get bandaids. I'm supposed to take the bulky bandaging off and put a bandaid over the scar/stitches and all I had was little ones that don't stay put. So needed something a bit more robust.

Aaaanyhow... I couldn't help but wonder if the painkillers hit a switch. Even though I only took them for one day. (??) I will try to force myself out tomorrow. If I don't start coming out of this ... hopefully just a blip ...I will add Abilify (basically my PRN) back in.

Other than that, healing up very well. I only get a zing of pain if I try to do something requiring strength. Ziplock bags are a *****. Who would have thought?(!)

I know painkillers, especially opioids, do have effects on my mood. Usually though I become more manic than depressed. I don’t know why it’s different for me, but it is.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

They might need to do a quick scope to take a sample and see exactly what bacteria is growing and causing this.

Honestly I’d ask for a referral to a Infection Specialist at this point. You have been sick far too long

I hope you turn the corner soon

Thanks. I hope it ends soon too.

My NP thinks I'm responding to the antibiotic just slowly and will give it a few more days. It's tough because while I may need a scope I'm on an MAOI and that makes anesthesia a pain; depending on the doctor I could have to stay IP overnight. They have to adjust the sedation around the MAOI plus things I'm allergic to or that don't work at all and it's frustrating for everyone. I also have to go to the hospital 2.5 hours away because I don't trust our rural doctors to not accidentally kill me (my pdoc is at the 2.5 hour hospital and advocates for me there).

So I run out of Flagyl Friday and I guess that's when the next step will happen. Hopefully nothing happens but the symptoms stop.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

Thanks. I hope it ends soon too.


My NP thinks I'm responding to the antibiotic just slowly and will give it a few more days. It's tough because while I may need a scope I'm on an MAOI and that makes anesthesia a pain; depending on the doctor I could have to stay IP overnight. They have to adjust the sedation around the MAOI plus things I'm allergic to or that don't work at all and it's frustrating for everyone. I also have to go to the hospital 2.5 hours away because I don't trust our rural doctors to not accidentally kill me (my pdoc is at the 2.5 hour hospital and advocates for me there).


So I run out of Flagyl Friday and I guess that's when the next step will happen. Hopefully nothing happens but the symptoms stop.

Oh yes a MAOI does complicate things. I don’t blame you for making a journey to a hospital you trust. My preferred IP is 110 miles away so I understand that.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I changed the sheets on my bed. I'd hoped to rotate the mattress but as my therapist taught me when I first knew him, you can only do what you can do when you are able to do it. Throwing around a heavy memory foam mattress in a small room was too much. Maybe next time. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel like doing it and rotating covers. But I did a good thing.

Time for meds for me and my cat. Both of us have bitter tasting ones and that's not easy or fun for anyone.

[Moose72]

Got a robo call from who I thought was my pdoc. It said that it was reminding me of my appointment with her at x-oclock on Wednesday. It hung up. I was confused because I expected it to say my appointment was friday- which is what I had written down.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I changed the sheets on my bed. I'd hoped to rotate the mattress but as my therapist taught me when I first knew him, you can only do what you can do when you are able to do it. Throwing around a heavy memory foam mattress in a small room was too much. Maybe next time. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel like doing it and rotating covers. But I did a good thing.

Time for meds for me and my cat. Both of us have bitter tasting ones and that's not easy or fun for anyone.

I changed my sheets a few days ago. Get a shower before bed tonight. Aaahhh fresh! I havent flipped my matress in ages.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

Hi yellow_fleurs! The short answers are bulleted:

* Recognizing that the daydreaming was a problem/maladaptive
* A conscious decision to stop. Cutting down on it (sort of like sweets or other similar addictive things)
* Grounding techniques
* Success in finding a passion or other major activity that I really wanted to focus on
* Time for my brain to heal
* Good therapists that helped me get past it

My maladaptive daydreaming was not something that I stopped abruptly. It decreased over time. Perhaps with the above help it started to become less satisfying. The pleasure (or whatever positive) I derived from it decreased. Reality showed itself more. The stories ran their course.

At its worst, I was daydreaming for literally 12 hours in a day. I daydreamed when my husband was home, when visiting others, when driving, when shopping...all of the time. Mostly, I spend several hours per day in bed binge daydreaming. I neglected a lot. I often "didn't hear" people talking to me, for the most part. It became an obsessive/compulsive type activity, but I don't have OCD. I would often rework similar daydreams multiple times with slightly different versions.

I think my past maladaptive daydreaming was a means of coping. An unhealthy way of protecting myself from the trauma I had experienced in the past. That is similar with dissociation. I guess I can understand why I sometimes experienced dissociative symptoms during that period. When that period ended, so did my symptoms of dissociation.

Thank you for taking the time to explain! It helps to see how someone else dealt with it. I will be taking this into consideration and maybe discussing with my therapist. It's great you were able to find a way to deal with it.

[Wander]

Fifth day in a row of mostly listening to music, watching TV, and chatting with my partner. It has been helpful to just chill for days. The agitation and anxiety have been less today.

Pdoc and T focussing on non-medication ways to calm me down and get me stable. I may be seeing another T for a short time for help. Will discuss details with my T tomorrow. Im still sure there is a ‘mixed’ element to what I am going through.

[Nevvy]

Got the joooooob

They pushed me through past the second interview, directly to signing the contract.... At some point. I first have to go through and extensive background check, not a problem, just long.

I feel pretty okay, concerned about this job in relation to my swiss cheese brain, but I'm rather optimistic and I have post-its and notebooks that can help.

But it's too hot out and I'm sweating a lot... Last time this lead to toxicity and getting all hypo, so that could mess it all up.

But I'm optimistic!