Bipolar Check-In #38

I'm still feeling unsettled. The violence was gratuitous, vivid, raw and scary. Scary just seeing it but also knowing that it won't bother a lot of people. I feel angry that they showed him taking 7 psych meds (made a point of saying "seven") and him haphazardly taking them. He gets kicked out of the low-income clinic he was getting his meds from so he goes cold turkey off them and that when he starts killing. This infuriates me. How can we get ahead of the stereotypes when people make movies like this? So yeah I feel shaken by those vivid images of gun violence on top of all the rest.

Omg that’s so scary about your son !!! I hope he can figure out what’s causing it and be able to avoid that food item, I’m sure it’s difficult sorting what is causing what.

I’m sorry your wife isn’t able to understand more fully how you are managing this depression and how it is taking a lot of effort to maintain what your already doing.

If she’s so picky about how’s things are done at home then she should just accept that she should just do it herself and not have any resentment towards you. I know this specific issue is tough for a lot of couples mental illness or not.

Maybe she might benefit from seeing a T herself ??? Or couples counseling? Might help to get things out in the open and see where communication needs dusted off maybe compromises need made so you both will feel better??

Hang in there

I'd written a response and have lost it somehow. Let me try again.

I am sorry your son had had another reaction,. How scary! I am glad he has an epipen and knows when to treat himself. Let's hope he has no further episodes.

I am very sorry your wife has difficulties understanding what you endure on a daily basis.

I have been amazed with all you have continued to do while living with a very stubborn depression.

Any chance of helping her to better understand? Maybe couples counseling? Maybe a NAMI family awareness/educational program? Other?

It helps you so very much to make sure you both understand all you can about one another.

You suffer with this obstinate depression. You don't need any additional suffering. Sometimes, misunderstandings berween partners, especially when comments are made, amplifies the pain and the suffering. If this does add to your pain and suffering, please do tell her so? I don't think she'd be doing anything detrimental to you on purpose. I'd think she'd want to know?

I hope these types of misunderstandings can be cleared up asap. it's important for you each to have one another's love and full support right now.

If you approach her to talk, speak to her from your heart. Doing so, comes across differently. Speaking heart-to-heart is often a highly effective approach to being heard., as well as in finding cooperation in mutually resolving any issues at hand.

However you handle this situation, I wish you both mutual understanding, mutual support and a sense of Peace within your relationship with one another.

Keep the Faith, scooter!

Thanks Christina. I just got back from a short walk. I can't walk on the beach for a while as beach walking flared up my hip last week and it still hurts. Still, I might at least wander over the hill and stand on the beach. Tomorrow it is going to be warm so I plan on swimming. The water is still very cold so it takes a lot of motivation to get in there even in warm weather. I hope I make it in as I always feel much better after a swim.

Thanks @~Christina.

I've talked with her about couple's therapy but she's not open to it. It's not surprising because she was critical of me when I had a T.

I'm just hoping that I start feeling better so that I can help more at home. I hope to have some more motivation.

Thank you @Wild Coyote!

I had a lovely day yesterday (it’s just turned 12:00 here). Having said that, I am spiraling rapidly despite my efforts to stay upbeat and positive. I’ll call my NP in the morning for an appointment and a med adjustment. Glad I’m catching it early.

An officer from my bible study group apologized for making me feel unwelcome and unwanted and put me back on the active roster. They said they weren’t that kind of group and they hoped I knew that from past experience. I have not replied. I need to think about it.

Warm wishes to all for a peaceful week ahead.

I'm glad you're calling your NP in the morning. How fast can they get you in usually? Catching a spiral fast is key, it's good that you are able to see it so quick and get on it.

I'm glad the officer of the bible study apologized, but part of me wonders if they've showed their true colors at this point, you know? An apology is nice and I'm sure feels good to hear, and they put you back on the active roster. But I can understand being hesitant still. I would want to think about it too. The action of removing you still hurt, and is still fresh...

Take care @Jennifer 1967

I can understand feeling so unsettled. I’m sure it will have most anyone with a mental illness rattled and yes the stigma is already huge !! Like we need more ??

Maybe some people will actually seek out help. I know every time they have advertised this movie on Tv in my area usually in that clump of commercials the Suicidal hotline number is one that is played.

This world has gotten so violent. But I think it’s even worse because now we hear about violence from around the world in seconds. I often have to take a huge step back and be an ostrich at times , not watch the news, scroll quickly past headlines on Facebook.

I honestly wish another decent movie about mental illness would come out. Something relatable. “ Silver lining play book” I think they really did do a good job at showing the many different faces of mental illness , just a glimpse at least ..

I honestly hope this film causes huge protests , demands for more mental health care services, more accessible.

I know your binging Greys !! That’s great , keep going you will enjoy it and it will help you move past the violence of this controversial movie. If you don’t get easily Offended try Shameless, one of the characters has Bipolar and it’s the truest example of it on tv that I have seen.

I’m sorry she’s not willing to help herself be a better more understanding partner

Maybe once you get out from under this terrible depression she will be more accepting about you ability to do xyz when your just keeping your head above water.

I really hope you catch a big break very soon

Hi Jennifer!
Good for you for being on top of your mood.

Congrats on expressing your dismay to a leader of your study group. I have been very impressed with just how much this group has meant to you for quite awhile now.

It's been my experience that no group, even religious groups, are perfect. If groups are growing, they will have things to learn.

I am sorry it may feel like this group is learning at your expense.

I am guessing this group has moved people into an "inactive status" if the person meets certain, and possibly ill-considered, critera. They may not have realized this would "do harm" to someone who might not be able to make it on a regular basis due to illness and/or disability. I cannot imagine they would intentionally harm anyone in this way.

It's true they probably should have realized something sad and hurtful like this might occur. Their policy appears to have been short-sighted.

I have been around many well-meaning religious, spiritual, philanthropic, community service types of organizations. Their policies/ideas/actions are not always ideal. At any point in their history, they are given opportunities to take advantage of "teaching moments." These opportunities for growth often come about as members (a member) or a situation, brings their mistakes, their short-comings to their attention.

In my experience, this is one of the beauties of people working together as members of a group, or as a service-oriented team. People in the group bring some piece of enlightenment to the group as a whole. If the group is willing to learn from one another, the group grows in a very positive direction.

You have been an important member. You have reaped many benefits and have so enjoyed this group in the past. There has been mutual benefit in the past.

Do you feel this group would intentionally hurt someone/anyone --most importantly, you -- in this way?

You know the group best. You have a good idea as to whether or not you may continue to benefit from involvement in this group?

I absolutely support your personal decision on whatever you see is in your best interest.

The point I have tried to emphasize is the fact that all groups have flaws and short-comings. As members, we can offer opportunities for group growth.

It is likely you have offered this group some enlightenment, some wisdom, whether or not you stay.

I highly respect your willingness to share with the group through the group leader. This took a lot of courage. This also took faith that you'd be okay for having taken this action. It would have been easy to succumb to fear and to have run before offering your wisdom.

You've given your Truth, your wisdom. You have courageously offered a "teaching" team growth opportunity. The group can choose whether or not to use this information to grow.

You are wise to take your time on this issue, You have been hurt. You also have a meaningful history with this group. You might decide to walk a few more miles with them or you may decide to begin a new and different path.

I am so very impressed with your ability to share your experience with the group. I believe there may be healing in having done so.

I think the world of you! You know I do!

I had a great weekend . On Saturday my older sister invited me to a movie and then to dinner. We had a really nice time .Sunday was really fantastic my younger sister and I went to see Morrissey live in concert. I really enjoyed it and was so happy to be there. My family made it all possible for me to go. I usually don`t get out much but the weekend was really great. Hugs to all those struggling right now.

I was thinking many of the same things that childofchaos and Wild Coyote wrote. I'm glad you're thinking about this carefully. Even if you decide to leave that group, at least someone there realized the wrong. Nowadays, knowing at least some do is progress. It's still disheartening that so many people have certain attitudes and thinking that reflect stigma and other negatives.

I was googling "sarcastic humor" or "sarcastic wit" and a Psychology Today article popped up. I noticed that it was written by an old psychologist I had. After reading the article, I had some mild criticism of the article that I wished I could post, but the comments section was closed. I wouldn't have commented using my real name. I really wanted to comment, though, because when I feel passionate about something it is frustrating when I can't get it out.

I actually saw the above-mentioned psychologist in the grocery store last week. I know he saw me, but I'm not 100% sure he recognized me. He gave me a little smile and said something like "Excuse me" as if he was in my way. That was the extent of the interaction. It's been a good 8 or 9 years since I went to him. I quit him out of anger at that time. He wasn't a totally bad therapist, but we butted heads on a few things and his own personal stress was bleeding into our therapy. I remember the week I quit him. I called and simply cancelled the upcoming appointment. He called my home and my husband answered. I was clearly hypomanic at the time. I remember saying something like "I think it's time that I would benefit from another perspective. Thank you for your help these past couple years, and I wish you well." I remember he said little in response.

When I hung up, my husband came to me and said that when he briefly talked to him that he sounded very upset. I guess why I'm telling this story is that in a way, it could have been useful (for both) to have a better closure to the relationship. I've felt that way with other people, as well. I do feel slightly bad about something I wrote to him before quitting him, but in general I don't regret the quitting itself. It is bugging me a little, anyway, seeing him last week and having his article pop up.

it is great you are catching it early. Maybe it will pass. Sometimes a bad day is just a bad day.

I am glad you received and apology. That was decent of the officer and shows they have some recognition of how you must have felt. I agree taking some time is a wise call. Your feelings are pretty raw still and you want to make a decision like this when you're feeling your best.

I am sending you hugs and well wishes for a calm and relaxing day.

I'm sorry you were unable to make the comments you wanted. Would it help to post a link here and comment? Sometimes just getting it off your chest helps even if it isn't exactly as you intended.

Mm oo I feel discombobulated. It wasn't till the wee hours of the morning that I was able to fall asleep so I didn't wake until after 10. A horrible dream that started out ok but turned into something sort of like the Stepfort wives. Only they used chemicals rubbed on the skin to turn you into a automation. Thought I had excaped in the back of a camper, and was peeling off the latex gloves I had cleverly worn but the cowboy smeared me with the pesos chemical mix and drove me back to the center where I was welcomed by the other woman and voluntarily sat with them to be chosen by the men.

My husband suggested that I take this Wednesday off from my volunteering. I am feeling overwhelmed by so many things, and I don't want to dread it. I see my psychiatrist that day and don't want to be literally arriving at his office over stressed. I just sent the operations director a note that I won't make it this week. I feel better about that. Tomorrow will be busy, but with things that are more geared to self-care. The psychiatrist appointment I have after this Wednesday's is also on a Wednesday when I'm set to volunteer. I'm going to ask my pdoc if I can have the appointment changed to that Thursday or Friday. Next week itself will also be busy. My husband has his usual eye appointment in Philadelphia. I despise those appointments! They are horrible, but of course very necessary for hubby's eye health.

Oh wow!
I want to apologize up front. The details in your dream made me laugh hysterically! I can see, however, how this dream might be very disturbing.
You have the most entertaining dreams!

Much Love

This has been a very challenging day. Having ongoing night terrors. Am overtired. I get myoclonus when this tired. I fall asleep suddenly , for 3-4 seconds and throw my phone or other object in my hand, across the room.

I am hoping to get more quality sleep soon.
I guess this is a chronic issue. I find I am often writing this here!

Thanks so much for your ongoing support and understanding.

I’m glad your going to focus on self care

Wow you have such weird vivid dreams , I can understand feeling that way !

Its just awful that you continue to have poor sleep having the night terrors, its just exhausting on all levels, I’m so sorry this is an on going battle.

I can’t think of any advice

I’m sorry to be so negative again. But the depression feels like it’s crushing me. I’m trying so hard. I’m not isolating myself in my room even though I just want to lay in bed. I’m watching hocus pocus again with RS. Hotel Transylvania is next. I’m trying to stay out in the living room until 7pm at least. I feel like crying.

My student that I am supposed to be the one to one aide for is VERY challenging. He is severely autistic and self injurious, averaging 100 hits to his head an hour. It took two grown men to drag him into the classroom and keep him still. I fear I have met my match. A big difference from the sweet autistic girl I had last year, and even from the cognitive severe girl I had before that. I know how to restrain but I don’t think I will be strong enough to keep him from hurting himself on my own. I’m hoping that once he gets used to the new school and new routine he will calm down. He seemed to be calmer by the end of the day. It will be stressful for sure but still not as stressful as teaching.

I just want to crawl out from under this weight on my chest. I’m hoping my pdoc has some suggestions. I’m afraid to start the med Merry go round again. I’m hoping it won’t be necessary. Maybe I can just go up on lamictal for a little while.

I’m scared and I want to give up. But I can’t for my family. So I just have to keep holding on to their love for me. Maybe that will be enough.

Hugs, wildflower!

You are doing your best. You are fighting a serious depression along with significant anxiety.

Keep taking life moment by moment. You are on a very challenging road.

I am hoping your appt this week will prove helpful.

Hang in! Your family loves you and needs you! We love you, too!