Grieving

Christina thank you for this thread. I have been thinking a lot about grief related to physical and mental illnesses lately, and was considering posting something similar. Then I see this post and it made me feel much less alone. I am very fortunate that many of my physical problems have improved instead of gotten worse over time, but the opposite seems true for my mental health. In my early 30s I know I am not old, yet I look back at my youth and young adult life and feel like it was taken from me in some ways. I had some good moments, but it's overshadowed a lot with mental/physical illness. I am grieving both what I lost in the past and also the fact that this mental illness seems here to stay. I am also grieving mistakes and less than great judgements I have made perhaps that I could have avoided with mental health treatment sooner. I think I am slowly moving towards acceptance, but the sadness and anger pop up from time to time. I am trying to stay occupied in the present and live my life as fully as I can. It's not easy sometimes, though.

You have been going through so much lately, and I wish you weren't. You don't deserve it and it's plain not fair. I hope some of the problems you have been having start to improve to offer you some relief.

I grieve for my children. They love me and accept me, but they still carry fear that mommy's brain will get sick again. They shouldn't have to fear that one night they will be woken up again to the sound of me screaming and smashing things in our home. I hate that I took their comfort from them. They both used to sleep just fine with their doors closed and now they want them open with the hall light on.

I took the same comfort away from my husband. He's always watching out for me and not as carefree as he used to be. I grieve for what my family lost.

In my case, losing my ovaries triggered bipolar which then caused the crash.

Thanks for this thread Christina. Sadly, so many of us suffer this type of grief. For me I feel having severe mental and moderate physical (mostly) problems together is almost unbearable at times. I have Fibromyalgia along with Bipolar and PTSD.

All three have cost me jobs at different points in my life. I fought back and at age 32 I had an amazing, high paid full-time job as a Case Manager/Project Manager with an electricity company. My job was to help create and run a programme that would help people in severe financial hardship avoid disconnection. My college and I who ran the program even got the best team of the year award. The day I accepted my award and gave a speach to the whole company turned out to be my last day at that job. The Fibromyalgia was so bad I could barely get out of bed to check my mailbox.

Then the Bipolar got much worse and I’ve spent the last 9 years in and out of hospital. I did have a crap retail job at some point but had to keep taking too much time off. The last two years I haven’t even been able to study p/t. Usually I am a very motivated and capable person so being trapped by these illnesses is crushing. I do grieve the simple things like being able to be physically active at a high level, having a job that would buy me a house, keeping stable relationships, and having children. It hurts, and at times my frustration turns to rage.

In fact my session with my T yesterday was all about my repressed rage over this situation and the primary cause of it. I have been trying to be zen about it, and thought I was doing well, but on Tuesday snapped. I told my T I think I’m in trouble as the rage is close to being out of control. I don’t want to harm myself or others, but I do want to be reckless and push everything to the limit. Basically give up trying to be ‘good’ and responsible, and just run amok. My T and I are going to keep talking about this. He’s worried. I don’t care.

Oh, and all the medical costs and appointments, and hospitalisations. I’m sure there were more productive things I could do with my time had I been well. I’m 43. I want to turn this ship around and accept my lot. However, right now I want to scream and punch things.

Hugs to all suffering this way.

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Originally Posted by Wander Thanks for this thread Christina. Sadly, so many of us suffer this type of grief. For me I feel having severe mental and moderate physical (mostly) problems together is almost unbearable at times. I have Fibromyalgia along with Bipolar and PTSD. All three have cost me jobs at different points in my life. I fought back and at age 32 I had an amazing, high paid full-time job as a Case Manager/Project Manager with an electricity company. My job was to help create and run a programme that would help people in severe financial hardship avoid disconnection. My college and I who ran the program even got the best team of the year award. The day I accepted my award and gave a speach to the whole company turned out to be my last day at that job. The Fibromyalgia was so bad I could barely get out of bed to check my mailbox. Then the Bipolar got much worse and I’ve spent the last 9 years in and out of hospital. I did have a crap retail job at some point but had to keep taking too much time off. The last two years I haven’t even been able to study p/t. Usually I am a very motivated and capable person so being trapped by these illnesses is crushing. I do grieve the simple things like being able to be physically active at a high level, having a job that would buy me a house, keeping stable relationships, and having children. It hurts, and at times my frustration turns to rage. In fact my session with my T yesterday was all about my repressed rage over this situation and the primary cause of it. I have been trying to be zen about it, and thought I was doing well, but on Tuesday snapped. I told my T I think I’m in trouble as the rage is close to being out of control. I don’t want to harm myself or others, but I do want to be reckless and push everything to the limit. Basically give up trying to be ‘good’ and responsible, and just run amok. My T and I are going to keep talking about this. He’s worried. I don’t care. Oh, and all the medical costs and appointments, and hospitalisations. I’m sure there were more productive things I could do with my time had I been well. I’m 43. I want to turn this ship around and accept my lot. However, right now I want to scream and punch things. Hugs to all suffering this way.

I know those feelings so well. You are not alone, Wander.

Thanks for this thread Christina and big hugs to you for everything you are dealing with and have overcome. Big hugs to everyone on this thread and all those who need them.

I grieve many things from this illness. I grieve the loss of my adolescence and how cruel it made me to my parents when I was young (we now have a wonderful relationship). Then, after being better for so long, I grieve the total, sudden, and shocking loss of my sanity and the effect it has had on my entire family. I, too, worry that my husband and children have to worry about me. Sometimes I think my almost 12 year old has to take care of me if my husband isn’t around and I’m sick. That breaks my heart and is so unfair to her. I pray that none of my children are inflicted with this terrible disease. I also despise the weight gain. It’s close to 100 lbs for me too and I totally get it, Bethrags, I danced too and was in musical theatre. I was also very athletic, played volleyball all through high school and continued working out for years. I feel so judged all the time due to my weight. I was always skinny except right after I had my kids but even then I was average sized. I hate the impact it had on my faith. I’m always afraid to get too involved for fear it will trigger another massive psychotic break. That’s awful. I used to be a stay at home, homeschooling mom who cared for 3 other children in my home. I had a total of 5 that were 3 and under at one point and I ran a damn good, tight ship. Now, it seems I can’t hold down jobs for more than a couple of years and my plan of becoming a teacher is clearly not going to happen. My mind simply cannot handle the stress. I hate that any of us suffer!

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Originally Posted by cashart10 Thanks for this thread Christina and big hugs to you for everything you are dealing with and have overcome. Big hugs to everyone on this thread and all those who need them. I grieve many things from this illness. I grieve the loss of my adolescence and how cruel it made me to my parents when I was young (we now have a wonderful relationship). Then, after being better for so long, I grieve the total, sudden, and shocking loss of my sanity and the effect it has had on my entire family. I, too, worry that my husband and children have to worry about me. Sometimes I think my almost 12 year old has to take care of me if my husband isn’t around and I’m sick. That breaks my heart and is so unfair to her. I pray that none of my children are inflicted with this terrible disease. I also despise the weight gain. It’s close to 100 lbs for me too and I totally get it, Bethrags, I danced too and was in musical theatre. I was also very athletic, played volleyball all through high school and continued working out for years. I feel so judged all the time due to my weight. I was always skinny except right after I had my kids but even then I was average sized. I hate the impact it had on my faith. I’m always afraid to get too involved for fear it will trigger another massive psychotic break. That’s awful. I used to be a stay at home, homeschooling mom who cared for 3 other children in my home. I had a total of 5 that were 3 and under at one point and I ran a damn good, tight ship. Now, it seems I can’t hold down jobs for more than a couple of years and my plan of becoming a teacher is clearly not going to happen. My mind simply cannot handle the stress. I hate that any of us suffer!

You bring up a interesting point .... most of my friends couldn’t understand my working more than one job. I could easily pay my bills with my main job, but my mom opened her own salon and I thought ... hey cool ! I’ll get my license to do nails. I’ll do Saturday and Wednesday’s. I already worked every other weekend waitressing while my daughter was with her father. Looking back I can see Bipolar was certainly present from about age 6.

I do think there is a connection for me at least.

Thank you for the observation

Thank you so much for sharing what your feeling

Sadness and anger I think are expected , I mean how can we not feel that ??? Making poor choices ? Sure. But I swear talking to old friends thanks to reconnecting through Facebook... most have made far poorer choices than me !! This might sound terrible but it makes me feel better, yes I said it and I’m not sorry, I think everyone had those thoughts at times lol

I think it’s great that your staying present and truly going about your life !!

Thanks for your concern.. I hope things start to settle down soon.

Thank you for sharing this, I know it’s very painful for you.

Children are resilient. It’s likely that time will of erase the memory of that night, reframe it.. Mommy was sick, she got help. You have made a gazillion memories with them since that night. They will remember those the most.

I won’t go into boring details of what happen when my life imploded. But my husband and I were not doing well at all, mainly given up on our marriage. Anyway.... when I came unglued and went IP the first time. My husband was furious, though I was attention seeking. As time passed and he learned about Bipolar of course he feared I’d have another episode and need the hospital and it happened many times. He was watching me like a hawk all the time, it was exhausting for him.

But finally we had a talk that stuck with him. I KNEW what to watch for I’m generally very in touch with how I’m feeling..

I honestly don’t think you will have an episode like “that” again.

You have made so many lifestyle changes, your very self aware now. Maybe you don’t have Bipolar and it was just a “ perfect storm” but even if you do have Bipolar you can handle it. Eventually your husbands memory will indeed fade from that event, trust me on this..I’ve had some very scary psychotic episodes in the past and my husband doesn’t remember much about them as time has passed.

You have not taken away there comfort, they all love you completely. The good memories will always be remembered more by them. For US ?? Sure we remember the bad and ugly because we lived it. They just need us to continue to love them.

Don’t you dare beat yourself up over this

I am very well aware of that kind of rage. I’d love to say “ oh once you work through it in T you will feel better and won’t deal again” that’s a big fat lie. Its just going to pop up at times

All my life looking back when things would start to tilt and I didn’t know why at the time but I would spend hours being extremely active,it use to burn off a lot of my anger and helped with feeling depressed.

I’m glad you were honest with your T it is something that really needs talked about. Meanwhile put as many obstacles in your way as possible to keep you from doing things that you will have to make amends for and also forgive yourself.

Thank you for sharing Stay safe I know your dealing with a painful hip, maybe a walk to the beach and have a good scream or dig a furious hole in the sand, pick up rocks or shells and just throw them in until you have enough.

Thank you for sharing some really painful realizations about your journey with Bipolar

You have learned so much about your Bipolar. You know the signs of an episode on its way and that is huge !!! As for working and unable to continue up the ladder?? I can relate so much. I was filling out paperwork that included a contract through my employer for them to pay for my LPN school in return for 4 years working for them when my life imploded.

I truly believe that meds will continue to come out that offer more help than shyt side effects.

Your young. You have lots of time to make your dreams come true.

And your daughter stepping in to help you ?? She learning empathy first hand. My daughter has Bipolar 1 , I have beaten myself up all to hell and back. She literally blew up one day and finally got it through my head that although she has Bipolar she has a wonderful life, there was also many times she remembers taking care of me when she was about the same age. She will be fine

This is so very kind of you and true in many ways. Thank you!

The frequency at which the memories come up for all of them has lessened. My 4 year old who was only 3 at the time brings it up the most. The memoroes mostly surface at night and he begins with 'Mommy, do you remember when you did the naughtiness when your brain and your heart were broken and you did xyz?'. We always talk it though and then he's ok. He in general seems less afraid and more matter of fact about it.

My oldest won't talk about it. He leaves the room if we bring it up. There have been times when I feel like he starts a question about it, but then he stops himself.

Last week my husband was watching a movie in bed. There was shooting and buildings were smashed. All of a sudden I saw my son's head pop around the corner. He then ran back to his bed. He was under his covers. He told me the glass breaking scared him. I asked him why and he wouldn't say. He said he sleeps under his covers all the time because he is scared. He woke up the night of my episode to me smashing an entire wall of picture frames in the hallway outside his room. I feel like he's still working through some PTSD like symptoms when he's triggered. We all are really.

My husband watches over me, but thankfully it isn't overbearing and it doesn't seem to be too draining. He trusts in those lifestyle changes you mentioned. My being proactive about controlling as much of this on my own as I can has really helped I think. I was so incredibly awful to him when I was sick. He became the target of my rage and I still have no clue why other than he was 'there'.

I didn't know if he could accept me again after everything that happened. He never faltered for a second though. He accepted me back into our home and loved and supported me the same. I feel incredibly fortunate.

I do blame myself for my part in creating a set of circumstances that allowed this to happen to us. I don't beat myself up over it anymore. Thanks for reminding me that serves no purpose. It is helpful to hear that from others from time to time. I agree that an episode that traumatic is unlikely now. I have learned a ton and I plan to use that knowledge as soon as possible should I ever need to in the future.

Thanks again. You've always supported me and it is deeply appreciated. I can connect with your grief as well. I think it is very wise of you to share it and kind of you to create a safe speace for others to do the same.

Christina, I apologise if what I wrote about having children/grandchildren sparked any sad thoughts. Of course that was not my intention. I'm sorry.

Oh no no it didn’t at all. No worries my friend

It’s a very complicated mess to be honest. Blending families is never easy.. the hell I was going through caused everyone to pick sides.

I had such a horrific panic attack one day I swore I was having a heart attack, I was admitted to the hospital because my blood pressure was dangerously high, my ekg wasn’t right. . Again my husband thought it was for attention. My daughter came as soon as I texted her, my husband left.. my daughter went to grab a coffee.. well she chased him down and exploded on him, she came back to my room in tears. Told me what happened.

As time passed and my husband was told by my T either be there for her or get out of her way, you will not cause her to take herself out. In the months that followed my daughter came home as often from college as she could, 4 hours away. I once again went IP , during which my husband and daughter argued again but they talked it out and they were okay, she always considered him her xtra dad.

His sons ?? Honestly I’m not sure they would care if I dropped dead tomorrow. I’ve been very blunt in the last 5 or so years when my husband and I talk. My husband always assures me they love me ... umm no I think they tolerate me and just enjoy my cooking, sad and pathetic. But I have made peace with it all.. I do hope if I die before my husband that they take time to support him, be there for him.

Life is so very complicated isn’t it ?

Christina, life definitely is often complicated!

My rage focused in on my husband as well. However it was not received so well. We almost divorced. While we have reconciled (and it’s been several years since) he still doesn’t understand when I’m not well. My therapist thinks I’m crazy for staying with him I think. She claims she doesn’t think that but she’s constantly asking me what it will take for me to give him an ultimatum. I love him to death and he’s mostly very sweet and good to my kids and me but man, when he’s an asshole, he’s an asshole!!!

Thank you! That is quite reassuring!

I was hallucinating and watching my children disappear before my eyes. He was standing there. At the time my brain decided he was evil and he had some sort of magical power to take my kids away. Maybe that was my subconscious processing the fact I was going nuts and he had to hide my kids from me.

Relationships are so very complicated. Only you know what's best and if the good is outweighing the bad. I think what we go through is incomprehensible on some levels. I don't blame him for not being able to fully understand

Yes, that happens a lot. There often is no ryhme, nor reason. I think many know my H has a dx of BP2 and it was a "toss" as to whether or not his dx was/is BP1, as he did experience some psychosis. During the psychosis, I was his target. The things he was accusing me of ... just held no truth. Due to my background, I was able to see it for what it was. thankfully.

I think spouses/others become "targets" just because they are there.

In short, my father was ill and was chronically a terror.
I do experience "night terrors" and have extreme "sleep anxiety," PTSD.
I tend to think your children will be okay.

First of all, my dad was a "chronic" terror.

Secondly, children suffer when there is no adult/nobody available to comfort them. (I had nobody to help me with that. I might not have been so traumatized if an adult was available to me emotionally. I could never process any of it with any adult. The only adult around was too traumatized.)

It is not necessarily the "traumatic event(s)" which create PTSD. It is critically important someone is available to "comfort" the child at the time and thereafter, allowing the child to proces thier experience(s).

You deeply love your children and are doing everything right and everything possible to help them to process their experiences. You are Present for them and helping them to heal, on every level. (This is relatively rare.) This is cause for celebration!

You are making a tremendous effort and are doing an amazing job!

WIth Much Love and Admiration, my friend
.

This brings me some comfort. Thank you!

Yes, I have tried to help them process in a number of ways. We did therapy and we have talked about what happened. I am honest with them about when I'm going to the doctor/therapist and they have seen me make healthy changes. They also see my husband and our other family members love me and accept me. That has been a huge help.

Thanka again for this. It truly means a lot.

I grieve for the young person I was who had so much promise - class valedictorian, summa cum laude B.S. in microbiology at Texas A&M University (all A's, one B, better grades than most of the pre-med students in my class), M.S. in Cell & Molecular Biology, journal articles, my first author publication quite widely cited. As it was, 2 years of grad school was all the work I managed. I tried teaching, research, another research job, and the longest I lasted at any of those was 1 month. And of course, 2 years is nowhere near long enough to qualify for SSDI.

Bipolar was always lurking in the form of depression in high school, anorexia in college, but it got bad around age 25, 26 and never stopped.

I mourn too for what could have been if the first stupid psychiatrist I saw wasn't all obsessed with "social anxiety disorder" (all the rage in the late 1990s) and throwing Paxil at me left & right and instead saw a 20 year old weighing less than 95 lb. who was very depressed (but also had the signs of bipolar mixed in with that) and given me a proper diagnosis. Instead I had to climb out of a terrible eating disorder pretty much on my own. I wish I'd appreciated my beauty then instead of thinking I was so fat because now I look at my wedding photos (weight restored) and realize I was beautiful. I have a picture of me with my husband and daughter when she was around 3 years old and we were on vacation, remembering I felt so fat the whole vacation because I'd gained muscle from weight training and now think, "If I'd been taller, I could have been a fitness model."

I wish once I had been given the right diagnosis, they'd tried me on lithium, because it is the first thing that's ever quieted all the voices in my head. Well, not voices, my own thoughts, but they feel like voices.

I have fibromyalgia too, and I hate when it flares up. Right now, I'm having hip/leg pain unrelated to fibro and completely hating that. I can't even run across the house to answer a phone or the door. Some nights the pain wakes me up. But of course, I was lucky enough to get a perforated ulcer, so no more NSAIDs for me. Tylenol might as well be candy.

Looking back sucks so much. I do hold out hope for the future even if it's not the future I had planned when I was 18 years old. It's life though, and it's easy to forget the things we have and should be thankful for. I was on the phone yesterday with my 86 year old grandmother (still lives on her own) about her past, and she told me she'd always wanted to be a schoolteacher, but she had to stop going to school after 8th grade as the bus ride was too long and made her sick, and her father had to remove some part from the car to keep it from freezing in the winter, so he couldn't take her to school. She went to school not knowing English (had to learn on her own), having no electricity until she was 10 years old, owning only one book as a child, a gift from a teacher ("Black Beauty"). Her parents were sharecroppers, and they were extremely poor. She had 5 kids; 2 of them drowned when one was 17, one 19. My grandfather was a raging alcoholic (and bipolar, I suspect) and yet she just kept going on. She's the strongest person I know.

And I think, man, if I'd had my grandmother's life, I'd never have made it. I am grateful for what I have, even if it comes with bipolar and panic disorder and an eating disorder and fibromyalgia and GI issues.

Thank you for sharing.. I’m sure lots of thing have been very difficult to share but I hope by sharing it’s helped you. Yes you lost many things but I’m glad now that finally you have found a medication that is truly allowing you to enjoy life again. You have been able to be more present. Lithium is wonderful for you. A quiet mind is such a blessing.

As for Fibro , it’s just a monster. Today high was 58 I think and buy morning 30 , my body is not happy. In my case none of the otc meds have zero effect on my pain so I don’t bother ... have you ever tried neurontin or Lyrica ?? Many people find Fibro pain relief with them.

I want to thank every single person here. It’s been so nice to get to know more about you and your history and where you are now.

I have shared a lot that I normally just keep to myself... but it’s felt good to share.

Love you all

I have tried neurotonin. That’s gabapentin, right? That is what I am on right now. I guess it helps a little. When I don’t take it at night, I can tell in the morning.. I also have a muscle relaxer (tizanidine), and some days if I didn’t have that,I’d be screwed. Rheumatologist says I am hypermobile, which go figure, makes fibro worse. You’d think being flexible would be a good thing. I think my rheumatologist has shied away from Lyrica because of the warnings of suicide risks. My GI doc did the same with a different med for me. I guess the doctors just don’t want to take a chance with a bipolar patient.

Same happened with our weather. Temp plummeted to a super windy (gale warning), 41F, wind chill 32F. I think it will warm soon. Hope so. It usually doesn’t stay brutally cold that long here.