Bipolar check-in #44

@~Christina that's just weird and messed up! I'd get away from them. She sounds wacky.

....but you'd keep one or two to play with right?

Hi everyone. I had a bit of a rough night and day today because I haven't been feeling too well and worried given the current situation. I think it is all okay, that maybe I am just a little under the weather, plus my period, plus dehydrated. I felt myself starting to pass out when I got up too quickly and felt a bit short of breath at times when doing activities throughout the day. Hydrating seems to have helped. My supervisor was very understanding and said I could call her anytime I needed anything even over the weekend. I also had friends check in on me via text today. So that was all nice. I did call my doctor's office but haven't seen them in a while and don't know if they consider me a patient still. I never got a call back, but then I remembered I can sign up for a telemedicine appointment with my insurance company. Since I am feeling better I will wait because a lot of people need those appointments right now. I chatted with some friends last night over video chat. Technology does really help us stay connected. Sending compassion!

I talked to the Emsam people again today. They are working remotely so didn't have access to my file which doesn't help matters although it is understandable. But this time I was first told that a letter from me wasn't sufficient and I need a letter from Medicare which wasn't explained fully, possibly because I was getting panicky given the number of times I've called and not been told this. Then I told them I'd have this with Medicare for years and she said then I probably was grandfathered but she won't know until she can see my chart on Tuesday. So that's where I'm now stuck. I think I have about 21 patches to go; as long as I don't get depressed and can keep stretching them out that's about 42 days but the chances I'll go 42 days are slim.

I sent another message to my pdoc who asked for the phone number this afternoon. So hopefully she'll make some progress. I feel bad bugging her repeatedly when chances are good that things are absolutely chaotic at the hospital where she works but I need help with this.

Hopefully I'll get good news Tuesday.

....but you'd keep one or two to play with right?

I talked to the Emsam people again today. They are working remotely so didn't have access to my file which doesn't help matters although it is understandable. But this time I was first told that a letter from me wasn't sufficient and I need a letter from Medicare which wasn't explained fully, possibly because I was getting panicky given the number of times I've called and not been told this. Then I told them I'd have this with Medicare for years and she said then I probably was grandfathered but she won't know until she can see my chart on Tuesday. So that's where I'm now stuck. I think I have about 21 patches to go; as long as I don't get depressed and can keep stretching them out that's about 42 days but the chances I'll go 42 days are slim.

I sent another message to my pdoc who asked for the phone number this afternoon. So hopefully she'll make some progress. I feel bad bugging her repeatedly when chances are good that things are absolutely chaotic at the hospital where she works but I need help with this.

Hopefully I'll get good news Tuesday.

I don't know yet how today will pan out, but I woke up from a dream this morning that my bicycle had been stolen. This had me severely shaken.

Hubby and I planned to get to the grocery store by 6 am this morning, but we slept until 7 am. I had to take an Ativan at around 3 am, so that prevented me from hearing the alarm. We still got there around 7:30 am. There were plenty of people. Some aisles were still missing a lot of products, but there were some that had more than the last couple times I went. I'll confess that we did a little overspending. I feel that hubby and I could easily manage for months on what we have at home, if I plan strategically. I bought a lot of long-lasting things, as I mentioned yesterday.

I'm embarrassed to say that I have not taken a shower or washed my hair since my salon appointment last Thursday. I have done some wash cloth baths, but that's it. Part of it has been just forgetting, and other being too busy. For some odd reason, I have grown to hate the whole process. I know that it's not that uncomfortable at all. It is very hard to understand my reluctance.

I hate that orange blob, he makes my anxiety go up so much more. I turned the tv on and there he was lieing some more and attacking reporters. A reporters asked what he would say to scared Americans and the blob turned it around and blamed the reporter. Lieing more about drugs. I get my info from Rachel Maddow I trust her, she's a good reporter. I get facts from her. My meds are ready at the pharmacy but I don't want to go get them. I just have to drive up to the drive through.

Have had a headache most of the day—a dull one, but it’s there. I need to get up and get moving but I just don’t have much energy. I did manage to get to the store and luckily they had the things I needed to get me through for a while. I haven’t called in and quit yet, and the only reason I haven’t is my mom is asking me to hold off because of some rumors they may get shut down because they aren’t enforcing the social distancing rule. She’s angry with me for wanting to quit, but I’m sorry – my mental health should come before a paycheck. I understand I am a burden and a hardship for her, but I can live on water and sandwiches. I don’t care to sacrifice my luxuries of soda, which is the only real thing my mom buys typically for me. I buy groceries too, and have for a while. She uses my car for everything (and hasn’t paid for gas once – not that I’m complaining, she lets me live here. I’m just saying I contribute somewhere) and I do my best to help out I just hate that she acts as if my mental health isn’t important. I guess she doesn’t understand just how bad it is. I’m not sure I want to face how bad it is. Well anyway, I’m ok for now. I don’t go out anywhere and I have enough money to get me through until I get another job. I have car insurance and a phone bill that I pay, and I can sustain that for a few more months. I know I have to work... but I can’t work like this.
I am going to call in again today (I have leniency here, not only because of the coronavirus but due to how their point-system works.. I’m actually OK on points. Right now they aren’t automatically pointing anyone). But if nothing is done by tomorrow morning I’m calling and quitting my job. HR already told me she would accept my resignation if it came to it, so I just need to make a call I guess. We’ll see how it goes.
I think I’m going to go take a shower to see if it helps relax me. Being clean, even if it’s a hassle to do it, makes me feel a little better. I guess that’s a plus.

MarcusAurelius

I'm doing okay, trying to stay positive during this pandemic and not let depression and anxiety related to it consume me, which it was doing for awhile. I watched the movie Beverly Hills Chihuahua earlier, just for something cute and fun, which helped my mood a lot. The apartment care manager called to check in with me, since he's not here right now and is working from home for the next couple of weeks.

The peanut butter fudge I attempted to make yesterday was a total fail. I should have just stuck to my usual recipe which is great and easy but I didn't have powdered sugar on hand.

I've been super exhausted the past few days, maybe a week. 2 of my meds were changed 2 weeks ago so maybe that's why, hopefully it goes away cause it's honestly hard to function as tired as I am. I can't really read books right now like I normally love to do, because if I do my mind wanders and I fall asleep or zone out.

I've been exercising a lot indoors, crunches, squats, just stuff like that since I live on the 3rd floor so can't be jumping around or anything. Trying to lose weight, get in better shape.

I have a package coming tomorrow so I'm excited about that. It will have a new bedding set (it's bohemian style, really colorful) and also a replacement carafe for my coffeemaker, which I've needed for months. It will be so nice having good cups of coffee everyday again, that's definitely something to look forward to. I don't know why but drinking coffee, is almost like a pastime for me. It helps calm me down oddly enough.

Hope everyone is hanging in there during this crazy time

Well I need to rant for a bit...

My husband and I met a couple that actually lived in same area of Florida as we did, this is a small town so it was just so weird.. Anyway we met them about 4 years ago. We got together often and at first it was enjoyable. Chris is her name. She told me after we all had been doing dinner a month of so that people are weird around here because they just drop friends out of the blue. Well........ About 6-8 months later I could certainly see why people just walk away. We stopped going out for dinner. Her Husband Jimmy is a really nice guy.

Shes all about rescuing dumped or lost dogs and cats... She posts about the animal all over the area on Facebook. People will praise her because she will say well I cant afford to care for all these animals but I just cant leave them. Sounds wonderful right? here's the kicker, She literally drives all over town looking for strays because she finds them a new home but requires a re homing fee. She has also picked up some peoples pets, if they are super friendly and loves just getting into anyones car.

But people praise her and tell her she is a angel and a blessing to save all these poor animals.. Right now she has 2 2 week old puppies shes hand feeding around the clock and posting pics of them and saying how exhausting it is to feed around the clock... Seeking praise

Her Mom is 96 years old and is needing alot of care, she can still walk and feed herself she does have Dementia but still knows who everyone is for the most part. Chris posted on Facebook last week that her Mom just doesnt know what a " sacrifice" her and her husband are making by caring for her and not dumping her in a nursing home !!! ( WTF) I would give anything to still have my parents alive and care for them..

Today she complained on Facebook that she placed a pick up order at the grocery store and to have it delivered.. She literally lives 5 minutes from the store.. She was Bytching that they didnt give her all that she ordered and a few things they substituded . So she sent her Husband to the store to get a refund and pick correct things ( WTF ) Kroger is not accepting returns because they were purchased and taken home, They can not risk it having Corona virus on it. She is livid over this . My reply on Facebook was they cant take that risk and we should all be happy that they are open and have a decent amount of food on the shelves, sure some stuff is sold out. This is a scary time for everyone and we should be grateful that there is food to purchase.

Now back to her complaints about caring for her Mom, She is angry the state wont pay HER for taking care of her Mother, She whines all the time about being exhausted taking care of her mom, Yet she is taking in 2 week old puppies?? Priorities right?

I am just so disgusted by her actions and talking about her Mother this way but having more compassion for stray animals.

I just don't understand people. Do a good deed and go about life. Why shoout to world about it??? wanting to be praised for everything? No just stopt it !! don't be a shytty human being

Sorry guys I just had to vent

I talked to the Emsam people again today. They are working remotely so didn't have access to my file which doesn't help matters although it is understandable. But this time I was first told that a letter from me wasn't sufficient and I need a letter from Medicare which wasn't explained fully, possibly because I was getting panicky given the number of times I've called and not been told this. Then I told them I'd have this with Medicare for years and she said then I probably was grandfathered but she won't know until she can see my chart on Tuesday. So that's where I'm now stuck. I think I have about 21 patches to go; as long as I don't get depressed and can keep stretching them out that's about 42 days but the chances I'll go 42 days are slim.

I sent another message to my pdoc who asked for the phone number this afternoon. So hopefully she'll make some progress. I feel bad bugging her repeatedly when chances are good that things are absolutely chaotic at the hospital where she works but I need help with this.

Hopefully I'll get good news Tuesday.

I also overspent on my recent trip to the grocery-- I suppose it may be sort of a natural response, givem the current situation.

And I also really, really struggle taking care of all my hygiene requirements. I also am embarrassed by this. The simplest things can become almost insurmountable for me when I am symptomatic, which is most of the time these days. I have no clue what any of this is actually all about. No insight there whatsoever. But I certainly relate. Hang in there. We will march through it--somehow...

Oh man, Just a horrible day yesterday. Still dealing with this URI and just not feeling physically well at all. It's just weird. Have had a headache for, like, a week. I never get headaches. I never get sick. It's bizarre how rotten I feel. No fever, no difficulty breathing, so, I just don't think it's a COVID situation. But I will pay attention, as anything is possible, of course.

Still, forced myself out of the house for a few minutes. Was nearly 70 F here yesterday and very sunny. Just gorgeous. Cherry blossoms are still out here, so that was cheerful.

And yet, the entire thing was completely ruined by the fact that I felt I was being followed and surveiled by mutiple people the entire brief and very miserable trip. Been through this before. I have a PhD in it, as a matter of fact. So very disappointing to be dealing with this again.

Been quite psychotic on and off, mostly on, I would suggest, for weeks, as most of you know. I'm used to it, I guess. But I don't enjoy it, that's for sure.

So, maybe tomorrow will be better. I sure hope so. Pdoc is totally aware. If things don't turn around pretty soon, we'll have to make another move. Maybe Clozaril. Not really sure. Already been on Risperdal, Zyprexa, Abilify, Seroquel, Thorazine, and Geodon, the last, very briefly. I suppose there are one or two other atypicals to possibly try, but really, I've been on so many of them, it seems a bit like beating a dead horse. But we shall see.

Okay, that's my rant. Sorry. Sending peace and love to all. I am so grateful for all of you!!!! I could not do this without all of you!!!

Oh man, Just a horrible day yesterday. Still dealing with this URI and just not feeling physically well at all. It's just weird. Have had a headache for, like, a week. I never get headaches. I never get sick. It's bizarre how rotten I feel. No fever, no difficulty breathing, so, I just don't think it's a COVID situation. But I will pay attention, as anything is possible, of course.

Still, forced myself out of the house for a few minutes. Was nearly 70 F here yesterday and very sunny. Just gorgeous. Cherry blossoms are still out here, so that was cheerful.

And yet, the entire thing was completely ruined by the fact that I felt I was being followed and surveiled by mutiple people the entire brief and very miserable trip. Been through this before. I have a PhD in it, as a matter of fact. So very disappointing to be dealing with this again.

Been quite psychotic on and off, mostly on, I would suggest, for weeks, as most of you know. I'm used to it, I guess. But I don't enjoy it, that's for sure.

So, maybe tomorrow will be better. I sure hope so. Pdoc is totally aware. If things don't turn around pretty soon, we'll have to make another move. Maybe Clozaril. Not really sure. Already been on Risperdal, Zyprexa, Abilify, Seroquel, Thorazine, and Geodon, the last, very briefly. I suppose there are one or two other atypicals to possibly try, but really, I've been on so many of them, it seems a bit like beating a dead horse. But we shall see.

Okay, that's my rant. Sorry. Sending peace and love to all. I am so grateful for all of you!!!! I could not do this without all of you!!!

I hope you feel better right away.
yes, technology is so very helpful right now.
Please do take good care!

Since people were asking about me...

I feel horrible, but that isn't why I left. I was saying crazy s*** that I was regretting, and I was posting WAY too much for my own good. However, I started feeling depressed yesterday, about 4 hours after my teletherapy appt. I was literally feeling giggly, happy, and funny during the appt. Now I woke up wanting to die.

Anyways, I want to cry because I feel so awful, but I guess tears ain't happening today for some reason. I wish I could see my therapist in person to help me feel better, but that ain't happening either for obvious reasons. Same with my pdoc, who I talk to on Monday.

Im sorry things are tough right now, Yes we are all dealing with a variety of issues but everyone can and should talk about there struggles if they want/need to . I say call the maintenance # and get it fixed now instead of waiting.. You need that sink working