Bipolar check-in #44

Here I sit- a good CD playing in the same room pressing my luck by drinking a blueberry shake and coffee in my new white sweatshirt.


I'm wondering if N3 will get out of work early again. Yesterday he was done now, but its Saturday and he's supposed to be there for a couple more hours.


Man do I like this CD!!


Trying to arrange to see a friend later but it all depends when I need to get N3.

Speaking of SARS and Ebola, etc. I noticed on Netflix that the movie "Pandemic" is trending...

I don't understand what's going on. I haven't been feeling well mentally, emotionally, but for the second time this week I've awoken at ˜4am energised and ready to go. This morning I got up, told my son to go to sleep (he had been up chatting with friend on the other side of the world), made myself a cup of tea, and started painting. Yesterday I was experiencing SI even while painting. I feel like a failure, but still creative. Those things don't normally go together for me. It's been going on like this for about a week now, I think. I wonder if this is a mixed episode. I wish I could just look at my eyes in the mirror to determine what was happening with my brain.

My white sweatshirt has a red lion rampant on it. (Think royal Scottish flag.) I'm extra cautious when wearing that. I'm not sure if it's because it's white or because it's got the lion. I suspect it's out of adoration of the lion.

What's the CD? This morning I listened to Vivaldi's recorder concerti and then Lindsey Sterling doing violin with techno beats.

....and why watch a film about the pandemic when you get to live the adventure?

Thanks very much for the support, fern. Unfortunately, I am not currently able to do therapy. Long story. I have had EMDR suggested in the past. Perhaps I should look at it again. Might be able to swing that. I appreciate your pointing that out.

Anyway, going to march on. At least I am not feeling sorry for myself about this, which is progress. Not angry. Way past all that. I have more acceptance of my illness now and I think that in and of itself is a bit comforting.

No, it has never been discussed, to my knowledge. Should I bring it up with him? He is always asking me what I want to do, even though he has forgotten 10 trillion bazillion times more than I have ever contemplated knowing. He is so modest, it is just ridiculous, given how talented he is.

Well the one I'm listening to at the moment is "25" by Adel. But what I was saying I was loving was Schutz, Kleine geistliche Konzerte. Sebastian Hennig, Soprano; Rene Jacobs, Countertenor.

So sorry you are feeling this way, blue. Is there anyway you might be able to try to do something today that could be potentially distracting, maybe even cheer you up for a bit? Go for a quick walk? Are there any flowers or trees or shrubs blooming where you are currently? That always cheers me up. Could you do a movie, maybe?

Sometimes, DBT stuff really helps me when I am depressed. Old fashioned distraction can bring relief, even in only temporary. Just a thought.

Sending you positive vibes and more serotonin. I hope the day turns around soon, I really, really do. Thinking of you, blue.

Yes, your attitude is incredible and It is inspiring to me. You experience hardship, but you always seem to find a way to realign with your true self.

My therapist suggested it to me a number of times. She said my trauma is stuck in one part of my memory and it keeps playing over and over. She said EMDR would help me process it and move the memories to a healthier place so that they won't have so much impact.

I took the route of learning about psychoanalysis and applying the concepts to help me process the trauma. I think it probably has similar effects as EMDR, but for me it came with the added bonus of better understanding my brain, my self and my past which is something my analytical side needs for comfort. EMDR seemed a little like a shortcut or band aid and I was aiming for something more permanent. I dug in a few months back and things have been a lot better since then. I think the goal no matter what you choose is to find a better quality of life. You're suffering and while there may always be a degree of that, there's no reason to believe it has to remain so severe.

Sorry to hear that, Daonnachd. I've been feeling pretty bad too lately with very negative thoughts -- although I do not have any "up" features to my depression.

I agree that it sounds like you're mixed.

Is there anything you can do to stop or mitigate these symptoms? Ignoring mania, sometimes people are incredibly impulsive when mixed. That's why it's so dangerous.

Do you not respond to any meds? Not Seroquel, Zyprexa, Clozapine? Those are pretty heavy hitters and usually work well for people. I know you do ECT, but I'm just wondering if you could go on one of those meds temporarily to help combat the symptoms since you can't do ECT right now. (I'm aware that Seroquel, Zyprexa, and Clozapine are likely to cause weight gain and other health problems, but if you're only using them for a short period of time, you may be okay in that respect.)

8 Jars!!! Wowzer, he must really, really like pickles!

I went to Wal-Mart today to get groceries, so I did get out of the apartment. However, it was order pickup, so I didn't actually go into the store and instead just had the workers load up my car with groceries. (I'm too afraid to get sick.)

They all wore gloves, which was nice. I did have to sign an electronic phone thingy, though, to acknowledge that I am okay with my groceries (since some were substitutions), so I had to wipe my hands down with hand sanitizer in my car after touching that. Then when I got back, I used my medical grade wipes to wipe down all the packages/items that I got at the grocery store.

Going out helped, but I feel pretty bad again. It was only uplifting for like 1 hour. I'm having a hard time finding distractions right now because I think I'm being "too aware" that I am distracting myself. Idk if that makes sense, but it's like, I'll go to watch TV and then I think, "I'm watching TV as a distraction because I feel bad. I'm trying to distract from the negative thoughts." That's when I feel bad again because I feel like it's reinforcing the negative thoughts.

Whenever I get a mixture (pardon the pun) of symptoms from sort of both poles at the sameish time, I always have concern about some type of mixed episode. I think it's great that you have this insight. Sleep is always a just critical indicator for me.

Hopefully, this is just a blip. I hope you have a better rest of the day!!!

You prompted me to put on that album, too. Cheers.

Yeah, I have seen and heard so many people talking about mixed episodes, but I'm not sure I can properly identify one in myself. There just doesn't seem to be a clear cut definition, image, portrayal, hint, clue, answer to what they look like and feel like. It can't drive me crazy, cuz I'm already there, but it certainly is aggravating.


... but, yes, hopefully this is just a blip. 'Course, it sounds like I've got ECT treatment coming up soon to settle things down in the cranial space.


I wish I could invite all of you to make calls to my hospital to advocate for me that it's not really an "elective procedure."

Hi bpcyclist. It's worth exploring. There is a thread on this med in the bipolar treatments subforum at Trilefon (perphenazine) you may want to look at. A couple of us mentioned experiences with it.

Perphenazine would not require the blood tests that clozaril requires. I've read that the efficacy is quite good for both, though. Other than a little weight gain while on perphenazine, which may or may not have been due to the med, it was great for me. Clozaril can be a real weight gainer, though I would think your bicycling would prevent a lot of that. I believe perphenazine may have more risks of EPS than clozaril, but clozaril is not without its own risks...plus the blood tests.

I definitely understand how ECT can be a lifesaving procedure. I'd be willing to write as such.

A hug is supposed to make things better. I hope you feel it.

The best thing for me to do when my head's messed up is to get some exercise. Right now I've got too many creative ideas to give up that time, though. ... and it's butt-freezing cold outside.

As to meds, no, I don't respond to them reliably. I've tried Seroquel, but not the others you mention, so I'm not sure about them. My doc is away anyway, so I'm out of luck until April when she expects to be back.

On we go.

He ended up buying only 7. Yes, he likes them. Real Polish and Czech pickles are DEElicious! Some German pickles are good, too.

Thanks, Daonnachd.

Sorry to hear that your doc is away. That must be very frustrating. I'm surprised she isn't doing telepsychiatry or anything like that, but I know that lots of people are having a hard time reaching their therapists and pdocs right now, so it's a real struggle for many people on this forum.

I hope you're able to get exercise at some point, like when it's warmer and such. I think it's always good to switch up your activities throughout the day so that you get different kinds of mental stimulation, so it's great that you have lots of creative ideas you can follow. I hope they provide some sort of relief for you.

Btw, ever thought about indoor cycling trainers? I mean like these: Best Bike Trainers | Indoor Cycling Bikes 2020

Might be worth a peek at. I don't know what your budget is like right now, but perhaps in the future, you could do something like that for when it's cold outside? I think the trainer tires like the Tacx are pretty cheap. Or, you can obviously just go with an indoor exercise bike, which may be cheaper.

So the first day of remote learning (working from home thank god) didn’t go so well. The second graders didn’t call in, so we were all on the phone with each other for 2+ hours just twiddling our thumbs. One third grader called in. His mom angrily got on the phone and told us it wasn’t going to work for him. Unfortunately, we have no other way, especially because he doesn’t have a computer. So...can’t figure that one out. But it’s not my job as a para anyway.

State is now on “lockdown” but it’s not much different than what has already been happening. So I’m not sure how it’s going to help. People still aren’t taking this seriously enough. There are reports that parents are still taking their kids to crowded playgrounds, still going to parks and walking in large groups. I saw a large group of teens hanging out on bikes. I know this is particularly hard on teenagers, but if even one of them had the virus, then they’re all exposed, their families are exposed, etc. as for me, I’m taking my son out for walks around the neighborhood and to play in the backyard but that’s it.

RS I believe is considered essential personnel because he works for a townhome community. They have to keep the community running. So for now, we have his income. That’s good. Don’t know what we would do if we lost it. I know in our state he could file for unemployment but the site is crashing every day from the sheer amount of people who have to file. We’re lucky.

Somehow I got paid for two weeks worth of work from my former job. I know I’m still on the payroll as a substitute. It’s weird though, it’s not even on a designated payday ((15th and 30th). I wonder if it was a mistake or if they’re being nice and giving all workers two weeks worth of pay bc school is closed. I’m treating it as if it’s not there in case they take it back.

Tuition for my son’s after and before care is on hold. So I don’t have to worry about paying that.

Otherwise, we’re getting along. Playing cards with my son a lot. Talking to my brother on FaceTime. Calling my grandma, my son’s grandma, etc. staying connected.

She's great, isn't she?

I wonder how they

Yeah, we've got several of her albums. I like her sound.

I used to buy a lot of music then I had ECT and it was as if I forgot how much I loved it, how good it was for me. I've basically quit buying music but I am listening again. That's a good sign.

Listening to music is an excellent choice.

I'm watching a kings men movie. Silly and corny, but a bit violent.

Listening to music is one of my links to “sanity” in this .... world