Bipolar check in #45

Im so glad your T is getting materials to you that can be helpful, its good that your tolerating the medication well..

That bedding is gorgeous

Well last night I didn't need to wake Steve to do a nebulizer treatment so I think he might finally be coming outta the woods.He still has a ways to go probably 2 weeks until hes really feeling better. I just hope he can recover to his pre infection " health"

Theres always risk of losing ground after each infection when its COPD driven..

I am exhausted to the bone, Chronic Stress, Insomnia and Pain are really hitting hard.. My hope is that I can sleep tonight.

Hope everyone is enjoying there night

@Blue_Bird: That's great that you've got your sister's cat to look forward to. Pets really make a home cozier. Is that your ukulele i see peaking out in the picture? Glad your meds are working.

@bpcyclist: Pets are great, i adore mine even tho i have doubts about her sometimes. But have you considered a cat? I find a dog can be pretty demanding in terms of taking them out all the time.

In my own news, i worked more on my home today but am still finding i'm too weak to put in more than a few hours. I'm bursting with ideas but while the spirit is willing, the flesh is weak. I'm happy with my accomplishments tho. It's still cold and windy here. Winter does not want to let go. My Lamictal withdrawal continues to go well as per my agreement with my doctor. Just six more days left and i'm done. My mood is still somewhat better than in the dead of Winter but i am still insulting myself for being a stupid idiot when i am attacked by thoughts of shameful things i said or did in the past. What a way to live.

Yes I can’t wait to get the kitty over here! Yup, that’s my ukulele glad you’re getting some work done in your home, try to be easy on yourself and that’s great that your lamictal withdrawal is going well

I was very unhappy last night when trying to go to sleep. I felt like I couldn’t sleep again but also that I couldn’t take more pill because I had taken a lot during the day. It’s like i can only calm down and loosen my chest and the sick feeling in my stomach if I take like 2mg of klonopin at a time, but that makes me slur my words and ultimately pass out for a couple of hours. So that’s not feasible. Even though I don’t physically have to go to work I still need to wake up on time to jump on the conference call at 8am. And be coherent.

RS was quite worried about me because I said how unhappy and anxious I was. I was trying to turn my mind away from what I had just confirmed by focusing on my music. RS held me and rubbed my back until about midnight until I finally calmed down and didn’t feel the need to take the bottle of pills. I never confirmed with him that that’s what I wanted to do because I didn’t want to scare him. I wouldn’t have done it. I haven’t named a guardian for my son yet, I can’t leave him behind without someone I trust taking care of him.

I’m having urges to self harm but they are mild, I am so depressed that it seems like more work than it’s worth. I don’t have all the supplies either.

My therapist is checking in with me again on Friday to make sure I’m coping ok, and then I see her and my pdoc on Tuesday. I’m hoping my pdoc can maybe put me on propranolol for anxiety. Haven’t read too many people having success from buspar for anxiety. The rest of anxiety drugs seem to be ADs, which I need to stay away from.

I’m not sure how I feel. I feel kind of numb and drugged still, although it’s been almost 24 hrs since I took the meds. I just want to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.

Hello! Just checking in. I’m doing well....been using this time to get things accomplished. My state is about to open up. I personally think it’s a mistake and will continue to self isolate due to A. Not wanting to catch it and B. Living with two high risk people. I think we’ll see a spike in infections in 2-3 weeks. Having said that, there are things I’ll never take for granted again when we get through this: seeing friends, going out to eat or to the movies, being with relatives.

There are certain things that are out: birthday celebrations, my nephew’s graduation party and graduation, our annual two week trip to Florida. In better news, the pool will be open through September. I always go down there when no one is there so there you go: social distancing. That’s great news as all that sunshine helps me get through the SAD I get in October.

Warm regards to all and hugs to those that are struggling.

Feeling a little down. Tired.

I'm feeling anxious and depressed.

The anxiety is new: it started a few days ago. The depression is not new since it has been going on for a couple of years now. The anxiety is making the depression worse by increasing the negative thoughts I'm having.

I think about worst-case scenarios for every little thing. I think about my shortcomings. I think about all the things I didn't do but feel I should have done. I think about what I might never do.

I'm trying various coping strategies like distracting myself, reassuring myself, taking stock of my accomplishments, being grateful.

But the anxious mind always seems to find a way to undermine itself with distortions and untruths.

The anxiety isn't physical - yet (meaning that I'm not having anxiety attacks). It's just thoughts running around like a drunken monkey.

I don't have any meds to take to help me through this but I will speak with my pdoc within the next couple of weeks.

Anxiety is creeping back in. I think the klonopin has fully worn off. I don’t know why it took nearly 24 hours to do so but hey. I’m almost done with work and I think once I hang up I will commence laying in bed listening to music under my weighted blanket. I’m afraid if I move I will harm myself. I will just wrap myself up like a swaddled baby. At some point I hAve to stop being a lazy **** and get my son’s laundry from the basement, as well as do mine.

I am so so rry you are struggling, wildflowerchild. That said, please, please call your pdoc today!! Tuesday is way, way too far away for what you are dealing with. Please--make that call now!!

I would also turn all my meds over to that trustworthy person in the home. Just tell them what is going on. You need help right now. Trying to "look good" should not be on your list of things to do. Staying alive should.

I have been exactly where you are many times. Ending it all is not a solution. It doesn't make anything better. Take if from someone who has done it--repeatedly Please call your pdoc.

Love and hugs!! This will get better. Don't give up. Things will turn around. You just need a little help.

Sleep when you need it. Don't judge yourself. You will feel better sometimes after only an hour of decent rest.


I am not really capable of sleeping through the night anymore. I just sleep whenever I feel I need it. It is usually about three times a day. It's fine. I always feel better after a little rest.

Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am so sorry, Scooter. I struggle with the same basic thing all the damn time. Negative thought loops going round and round. I have to pull myself out of them.

One trick I use is to remind myself that, most of the time, what I am ruminating about is not even actually occurring during the moments when I am feeling ruminative and anxious. Some of it happened in 2000, say. Or 2007. Etc. Or, I even occasionally ruminate about the future. Same thing. It is not even actually occurring. So, I remind myself of hat fact and it helps get me out of it.

Just a thought. Not sure what atypical you are on, but some people do improve with those. I have found Risperdal and Abilifry helpful at different times.


Hope it improves soon!!!!!!!!!! Love and support!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Finally got some sleep at a little after 3 (AM) . As I was just saying in another post, I don't judge myself on this. I sleep when I need to, and don't worry about it. It is beyond my control. Acceptance.

Got a lot done on both my novel and the hospital book yesterday. Feeling pretty good. Still deciding whether to try to get an agent and go the traditional publishing route or just put it on Kindle and the other e-book sites myself. I do not care about making money or sales figures and ti can take forever to go through the traditional process. So slow. So, leaning toward just doing it myself. I would put up a couple of websites to do some limited online marketing and call ti a day. we'll see.

Brain health-wise, just hanging on until the 28th, pdoc day. Does anyone know if I need to do anything to my puter to do a telehelath session with him> His office says I just go to their site and log in and choose my doctor and hit "telehealth session" and then, it happens. Dunno. Never done it. I use linux, not Windows. Anyway, if anyone knows, I would be grateful for the help.

Main issues with him will be the ongoing paranoia/psychotic crapola, which is better than it was two months ago, but still a problem. Abilify obviously not doing it anymore. Also, gotta deal with this Provigil side effect. So, maybe two med changes, not ideal. We shall see.

Hugs and support and peace to all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm pretty ticked off with Amazon. I'm trying to get some Mother's Day gifts, but their shipping is awful. They claim they "prioritize essential items," yet they ship sex related items (I'm not talking about "protection," but you can figure it out) in 2 days and takes 1 month to get cat litter. What's wrong with that picture? Also, their delivery dates have been 2+ months lately and they're pulling that crap. I wish I could have known back when my Prime renewal was up in January. I would have cancelled it. Waste of money now and it's too late to get a partial refund.

Anyways, my day has been slow today -- like really, really slow. It's dragging and I'm tired/sleepy. ughh. I'm not really productive. Unfortunately, though, my day doesn't end until like 6pm, so that sucks. I'm taking a (much needed) break right now.

Mood is okay. I don't want to say it's "dipping," but I'm just worn out and frustrated that my boss was very disappointed in me with my work. And no promotion. It's very demoralizing.

@bluebicycle sorry that your boss is disappointed in you. That hurts worse than if he were just mad at you. Always does. Yeah I know you were hoping for a promotion. Maybe things will turn around soon. As far as Amazon goes, I haven't had too big of a problem with getting my items. I did try ordering toilet paper and the delivery date is still in May-June! I don't have Prime, just regular. If I need something with Prime, I have N3 order it as he has prime.

I have a pdoc appointment via phone on Monday. I just have no idea what to tell her- as usual. I don't think I've been having symptoms. My meds seem to be okay. I'm not manic like last year at this time. I am frustrated with this covid 19 whoopla. Its like a never-ending bad dream.


I finally called the section 8 people. Noah wants to know what he has to do if anything to move out. He is so gung ho on moving, but I talked with his gf's mother last night via text (she won't talk on the phone) and tried to have a conversation about his moving in with them, she just said, "I'm working overtime, I am pms-ing, and I don't want to talk about this right now" (paraphrased)! Excuses much? I mean this NEEDS to be talked about. The most she will say is that nothing is confirmed or written in stone right now. So she's just sitting there dangling living there over N3's head and he is making plans like changing jobs! To a job that is closer to where his gf lives, nevermind that he won't get near as many hours as he is right now. How will *I* be able to pay my bills if he moves out, etc.! Its a big cluster ****. Whenever I try to talk to him about it, he has easy answers and thinks he has it all figured out. But he doesn't! Yes I'm grumpy about this! /rant

Hello, I promise I would never intentionally kill myself. As I’ve mentioned, I do not have a guardian named for my son. I can’t leave his fate up to chance. And even if I did, I know losing both his mom AND his dad during his childhood would mist likely irreparably damage him.



Calling my pdoc is a useless endeavor as she is only in the office (or in her home office, as it were) on Monday and Tuesday, so I can’t get in any sooner anyway. I have a check in with my therapist tomorrow right after work, so she can take care of me. I should have told RS to take the dangerous meds with him to Work today but I didn’t. I was not honest with him last night. All I said was I am very unhappy. I did not mention self harm thoughts. He already had the dangerous meds in his drawer on his side of the room so I’m safe at least at night because he would wake up and catch me. I also can’t harm myself because he would see and I would be unable to explain.

I should be ok. I’m considering going back on haldol for a little while, even though I’m not paranoid or otherwise psychotic. Not sure if it would help with overall anxiety or irrational thoughts. I guess I’ll see what my pdoc thinks. Unfortunately she is less “take charge” and often just does what I suggest.

Thank you for the hugs and concern!

Selfish Selfish SELFISH! I got an email back from the section 8 person. She says, in part, that if N3 moves out, he absolutely cannot move back in with me. And further more, I need to move from this 3 bedroom to a 1 bedroom elsewhere. Elsewhere because the rent is going up AND my portion of the rent (as opposed to section 8s portion) is going up, too. And so I'm just going round and round with N3 and its freaking me out. I feel like people are throwing heaving things at me over and over again. And N3 wants to move this summer but I just can't make that work financially or because the apartments themselves probably are still closed and who knows when they're opening again, so I can't just get up and go see apartments. If the rent goes up, section 8 is NOT going to cover it. Period. I'm so stressed out about this. He wanted to go to an interview at the dollar store instead of work at McDonald's, but I said that's a stupid move- less money, fewer hours- and refused to take him. He's not too upset about that. In fact, he's practicing the piano here next to me because he hasn't and he has a recital coming up next month and it needs to be memorized and he hasn't practiced for months!! I'm just so over N3 today. I swear.... He says he wants to go to community college and then a university and he can't do that if he's working. Well, welcome to the real world. People do it! I gotta go smoke some weed or something. I can't stand this day! (No I don't smoke!)

P.S. I told him I'm not taking him to the interview for the stupid job and that he needs to continue working at McDonald's. He was talking with me about this whole subject and he thinks he has it all figured out. He's even looking up apartments for me. Ugh.... So now he's upstairs and I'm downstairs. I'm worn out physically and mentally!

My T told me to contact my ECT doc about getting in for a treatment soon. When I wrote the ECT coordinator she said that they were getting ready to schedule me for regular sessions again. So, good timing. We just have to verify with hospital management that it's not an elective procedure.

I got praise from that author yet again! "This is the second great idea you've had in a week!" he said, with a *high 5* added. I feel good about this yet I still feel low.

Great! But how is ECT elective? I don't know anyone who would say, "Hmm... I think I'll try electrocuting my brain today!" And wonderful about the author! I understand feeling great yet low. I've spent hours in bed today. Didn't get anything done.

It could technically be classified as "elective," depending on how insurance companies and hospitals want to legally phrase it. Because Daonnachd is on medication (Abilify, I think?), the hospital could argue that his medication is his main form of treatment and that ECT is merely a "supplement" to that treatment, even though it's the other way around. When you call it a "supplement," it makes it sound like it's not necessary.

It's more about hospitals and insurance companies coming up with BS reasons to not do it than it is about whether ECT is "elective" or not.

You got it exactly right, every part.

It was a nice day today at last. My dog and i were out for hours. It was good to get a break from this apartment. I figured out a furniture re-arrangement problem that has been paining me for over a week! Just: PRESTO and it was there! It will take some doing, but i am excited about it!

Hope that mask comes soon @whatever2013

I lost my bite guard! I wear it at night. I searched all over my room and the bathroom. Guess I need to get another one.