Bipolar check in #45

@bluebicycle I'm happy you got your bike fixed up and that you supported a local business. Six a.m. rides! It is light at least at 6:30. (That's when we've been leaving to take N3 to work.)

@Daonnachd Sorry you are feeling down about going back to work. Maybe it will be a good day anyway?

@Blue_Bird That sounds like a nice present- and I know what you need to do! Dip the chocolate into the peanut butter! I love doing that with chocolate bars.

@Coffeee I think a lot of people are feeling the effects of being cooped up. I'm just trying to keep the place clean and sit and read and listen to music. Plus exercise. These things keep me sane.

N3 and I went to the grocery store after I picked him up from work. We didn't get too much even though it looks like we're getting way more than $15 in food stamps. I don't know the number, but our balance is a lot more than that. So I guess my friend was wrong. I'm making chicken for dinner. I ate some Recee's Pieces after we got everything wiped down and put away. I even did the dishes- I had told N3 to do them. (I'm such a bad mom- I don't follow through!) I also finally got some Allegra (allergy med). Now maybe my eyes will stop weeping and itching and crusting up. The script drops my primary prescribed worked but not 100%. My friend had suggested Xyzol (or however you spell that) but it is so expensive. Allegra wasn't exactly cheap, but a lot cheaper than Xyzol. My same friend is making a couple masks for me and N3. Another friend is making N1 and N2 masks. So soon we should all have a mask!

@Moose72 I love doing that with chocolate bars too. Peanut butter and chocolate is the perfect combo Glad you got an increase in foodstamps and are getting masks soon Hope the Allegra helps you

@Moose72 Thanks for the affirmation! I second Blue_Bird in hoping that the allergy meds help, it's no fun to have crusty eyes and those issues.
Glad you had more money than you realized also, it's helpful to be able to get food when we need it. I just picked up some masks that my boss made (from outside her door, no contact) and it made a big difference knowing that we were protected going outside. I hope they help you too! Plus it's always nice knowing that people care enough about us to make masks and things to protect us, or our loved ones

@BirdDancer: I also feel you are being a good daughter.

In my news, i was somewhat active today after a few days of inertia. I'm glad that i got things done but my mood is still down. The C-19 picture is a bit brighter here in Ontario with officials saying we have reached our peak and the situation won't get near as dire as they feared. I'm sure ready for it to be over. I'm a homebody but i miss getting out to the mall and the airport for the odd break. It'll probably be Canada Day (July 1st) before things go back to normal.

My previous employer asked me if I wanted to come back.

hahahahaha -- NO.

I didn't exactly burn bridges when I left, but I didn't exactly make peace either. They pissed me off. So of course I am just going to ignore their "offer to chat." *major eye roll*

Anyways, today was good, but not productive. I wish I were productive, but I got distracted and had little motivation. (No, I am not depressed. Just came back from a day of "vacation" and didn't feel like working again.) Guess I'll have to work twice as hard tomorrow!

I spent a ton of money in the latter half of the day -- more than I wish I did. Probably like $1000 today in total if I add it up. I do not have that kind of money to burn in one day, not even in a week or month! All on bike sh_t. I do not know why I was so impulsive, but my mood is fine. Not elevated. Guess I just have a bad habit starting to form?

I just changed my thread to a question about memory. In fact that is the question I’m interested in. I feel like my memory isn’t that good often... I tried to change the title to “Question -Memory”... it is a thread I just started in this forum. I hope this isn’t confusing. I am very tired and my brain is probably not at its best

I've been sleeping about 3 hours less during the past few nights. I wonder if it's the Wellbutrin?

It could also be anxiety. I have a situation I need to deal with and I'm anxious about it.

The problem isn't a short term thing so I'm going to have to learn to live with the problem and anxiety until our lockdowns are lifted here (has to do with possibly expensive repairs to my house).

In other news, I'm taking some really good pics of the night sky. They'll be going into the book I've been working on. It's not a book about photos of space but it is about astronomy and I want a variety of pictures in it to help inspire the reader.

I might update my avatar pic with a newer version of the same photo - there's more detail in it. I'll see if you can notice a difference when I resize it to fit the small avatar size picture.

Oh!
So you'd meant to title your thread differently?!

Yes, I have seen it. Many of us experience memory challenges. You're getting responses.

Thanks for your thread!

Hi scooter!

Always great to hear from you!
These "lock downs" get old; yet, the alternatives aren't great.

I hope the Wellbutrin is helping much more than any side-effect might be bothersome.

I am still using Mirapex. It's helpful, but not enough. I'll take it though. Its the best I have found for me so far.

It must be very satisfying to be getting some great pictures!

Love and Prayers!

Hey, Scooter--are you taking all that Wellbutrin in the morning? How much?

Finally got the courage to leave my apartment. 90 minutes on the bike. I am obviously still sick, as I had some difficulty breathing, which is a complete joke for me at that distance. But, oh well, at least I got out and left my building and did it. That was a mental health accomplishment for me. Been quite paranoid.


Pdoc on the 28th. A lot to discuss. What to do about this continuing psychotic crapola. Maybe Clozaril. Not sure. Also, have to talk about whether this almost 8 weeks of upper respiratory/badass allergy symptoms is due to my Provigil. I think it probably is. I will have to stop it, if that is true. Back on the Adderall, maybe. Far prefer the Provigil, absent side effects. We'll see.

Am officially looking for a doggie. My (few) people here all think it might be good for me. Be soothing, since I have been struggling quite a bit over the last 7 or 8 months or so. Rescue dogs are in very short supply. COVID has caused zillions of adoptions, which is awesome. Might just have to actually buy a dog, which was not my plan. More research needed, but man, a lot of those dogs are already adopted. Good for them.

Hugs and love!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm starting to feel unwell, mentally. A bit unwell physically, as well, but that is likely linked to the mental.

I am so confused by my therapist. I'm starting to dislike the video meetings, immensely. I'm not even looking forward to the upcoming one with my psychiatrist, but I might need him now. He feels so extremely far away, and yet he is still in his office during those meetings. Literally just a long walk or short drive from me. If only I could step through the computer screen to that former dimension.

I feel the beast developing in my head, taking over me. It's an ugly mean beast. I know it and sometimes bob up above the water for breaths and mild pleas for help, but keep getting pulled under again. What's around me sometimes feels a little surreal. I need to break free. I need more mental clarity.

Yes. Something is suddenly not right. Not right. Not right. Not right. Not right. Not right. Not right. Not right.

Not right.

Is this psychological or a seizure? Have I been having many seizures lately? Some signs are there. I don't want to tell anyone about this suspicion. And I could be wrong.

Sorry to hear you're not doing well, BirdDancer.

Is there any reason you don't want to tell your pdoc about your seizure suspicions? He would be able to tell you if your experiences are psychological or not, and that can give the hint that maybe it's something else (e.g., seizure? maybe not even that).

I'm not sure what to say about video meetings. I know it's a difficult situation for many people on this forum, so you're definitely not alone in that.

((((BirdDancer))))

I am sorry you are feeling this way. It definitely seems something is amiss. I've never known you to speak this way in the little over a year I've been around even when you've had a bit of a mood swing one way or another. I am grateful you felt you could be honest here and I think you are brave.

Even if you are wrong, and I hope that you are, it is worth being as honest as possible with your pdoc. You have the kind of relationship with him where you can be honest about how you feel and also communicate that you are unsure. He has your best interests at heart and I know he will work hard to help in whatever way he can. If video meetings are distressing, is there another form of supplemental communication such as an email that could help? Maybe you could send him something prior to your session. You articulate the situation quite well in writing.

Your intuition is very well developed and it is a wonderful gift. It seems to be speaking to you at this time. Please listen and remember you have overcome this beast many times. Have you told your husband about how you're feeling?

I'm here for you if you need anything or just want to talk. I know how getting things out through writing can be theraputic for you. We're all here to listen if you need us.

Thank you, bluebicyle and fern46!

I left a message on my psychiatrist's vmx this morning suggesting an increase in my Seroquel XR. He may or may not call back. I told him not to, if he agrees with my plan. I hinted at other stuff, but wouldn't get into that on a vmx message. It could be bipolar-related.

I won't waste that much space telling why I brought up seizures. Long story. I will say one neurologist diagnosed me with simple partial seizures an epileptologist said "not definitive". Pdoc knows. It's complex. I have had zero symptoms that I would put in that possible seizure category, for some years now. The only issues I continued to have are typical bipolar ones. It could simply be a recurrence of "atypical" bipolar symptoms. I will mention them to him next Wednesday. My Tegretol XR dose is quite high. Any more and I often develop double vision. Too much Lamictal is too activating. I don't need more activation.

Just like with bipolar, non medication steps can help ease issues along side medications. I need to practice some grounding techniques. My mom had epilepsy, but a different form than I might have. There are some similarities between bipolar disorder and seizures.

Yeah I take it in the morning, just a tiny 150mg.

I was on more than that before and didn't have sleep issues.

I'm glad the Mirapex is working for you WC.

I felt better on it too but as you might remember, I had to stop it due to sleep issues.

Yeah it's nice to get a good photo after all that planning and waiting for time on the telescope

I am going to step away for a couple days. I am becoming ill, feeling desperate, impulsive, anxious, rageful, etc. I don't plan to drive. The last few times I've driven I've been prone to screaming as a result of imagined confrontations. It puts people at risk. My self-care has decreased, my teeth are at risk of further damage, etc.

Sorry you're struggling @BirdDancer I really hope your pdoc gets back to you and you can raise your seroquel dosage and find some relief

@bpcyclist That's great that you got out and got a bike ride in, I don't have a bike but many people on this forum seem to enjoy them, maybe I should consider getting one sometime. I hope the respiratory stuff clears up soon. that's cool that you're thinking about getting a dog, they're great companions. I miss my two cats I lost recently. I'm waiting till things calm down with this pandemic so my sister can get her cat's vaccines updated so she can come live with me since she's not getting along with their dog. My apartment allows you to have a pet if you have a note from your psychiatrist stating they're therapeutic for you which I do. Anyway, I hope you find a furry friend soon, pets are the best!

I am sorry you are experiencing this, BD, but, as you well know, sometimes, things flare up for us a bit. You will make it through this.. When is that pdoc appt., anyway?

Forgot to mention, when I was having seizures years ago, my post-ictal states were marked by tremendous paranoia. Really bad. for what it is worth...

Huh, well, Personally, just as a another patient on it for quite awhile, that would be a bit surprising to be the cause of insomnia hours and hour after dosing. Just my take. It's not a very high dose.

Hope it turns around soon!!!!!!!!

Strength, hugs, love, support!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm starting a blog!

Had a good day today. My new bedding came, see picture attatched below, sorry it's sideways, it always does that on this site for some reason.

I had an appointment with my therapist over the phone. She's emailing me a 28 page pdf workbook about coping with anxiety during the coronavirus outbreak, I'm definitely looking forward to reading that. It was nice talking to her.

I'm doing great on the trilafon, no problems and my psychotic symptoms have improved. It's not sedating either which is a plus.

Hope everyone is hanging in there