Bipolar check-in #48

Did I mention I was reading a lot? Probably forgot to mention I was buying all those kindle books. Looked at my amazon credit card today - $150 in books!!! looks like I’m going to have to limit myself to one paid for book a week. However, I decided to sign up for kindle unlimited. $10 a month for over a million titles. Maybe not the specific authors I wanted but I’m sure I can find similar things. I also treated myself to a new kindle fire tablet. Holding my phone to read on the app is absolutely killing my hand and wrist. My fingers have gone all numb and tingly. Carpal tunnel flaring up again! Anyway since I don’t gave my car payment anymore I can afford this little extravagance, along with the unexpected book bill.

It’s 4:30am though and I still haven’t slept. So whatever.

yesterday night my fibro pain was horrible

today it's improved only slightly... it still really hurts. nothing I can do for now, it's showing no signs of easing, I just have to cope with it

I suppose I have nothing to do, so their's a plus..

I took 20 milligrams of melatonin last night. I got super spacey for about half an hour and just sat straight up in my bed with my eyes open listening to music and thinking of all the cast members from SNL like Chris Farley and John Beluisi. Then I seemed to snap out of it a bit. I stumbled into the kitchen for some pork tender loin. Then I stumbled back into bed where I layed down for an half an hour until I fell asleep until 6:30 this morning.

Today I feel alright. A bit crabby but some coffee and a Coke and some food took care of it. My anxiety is fine.

Still .trying to get caught up on reading posts. Don't seem super manic so far today, but have learned I lose insight when hypo, so, really no idea. Unless I think I am the president or buying a $10,000 guitar, who knows. Big problem for me.

Underneath all this remains the depression. Gotta make it to pdoc and see what we do.

Hugs to all. Thank you for supporting me and helping me when I seem unable to do so for myself.

Sorry for the TMI. I haven’t been feeling good tonight. My hemmoroids have been bothering me these last 2 days. I tried the baths my doctors have recommended and it isn’t working. I went to the bathroom and it’s very unusual. I’m scared about going to doctors and catching COVID and I’m also worried about surgery and other painful procedures. So I’ve just been keeping it to myself. But I haven’t been too hungry these last couple days. And this happened 2 weeks ago and it ended up being an ER medical emergency 2 days later. But I really really don’t want to go to the doctors.

My main focus lately has been on my weight loss efforts (diet and exercise). I'm on a roll, so I have to ride the wave. It does eventually crash.

There's so much going on, or forthcoming in my life, that I'm trying to not think of it all.

clozaril going back to 400, bye bye geodon

What happened?

had bad akathisia saturday, came from the geodon

Akathesia sucks. Ive had it before a few times.

Currently in the middle of a panic. Literally just woke up 30 minutes ago. I went to sleep at 5 AM when I got home from work and woke up just now. I’m in a panic because I’m supposed to be working right now. I am way too upset to drive that far right now and I need to call in. I can’t really afford it and I can’t get a hold of an actual person to tell. All I have are options through the app so I’m doing the best I can. I’m compensating with vacation time and some personal time but all in all it’s not going to be enough. I just don’t wanna lose my job. I’m upset and I’m afraid I have a headache. I just need one day to go well. Damnit!

I can always go to HR and explain the situation tomorrow if need be, but I’ve got to calm down. One Unplanned missed day of work is not going to make me lose my job. I may get reprimanded but they have to establish a pattern i.e. at least twice I’m doing it before though considering It job Abandonment or what not. Plus I’m trying to call in. I’m not going to lose my no job. I gotta stick with that belief.

I feel like such a screwup. I have these opportunities to make my life better and I can’t even do what’s right to keep them in my life. Ugh!!

I'm sorry that youre going through this, Marcus. I can relate. I never could keep a job.

Got out of the hospital (not jail thankfully) earlier today for a manic/psychotic episode. Still a bit high and they didn't send over the damn Klonopin! Oooh, but they did send over the Cogentin that I haven't taken in months. Incompetent bastards. If I were in charge things would be much better, but no I can't even be trusted to drive a car at this point. Dammit. I wish they didn't make it so hard to become psychiatrists (not real doctors). I would be the best damn psychiatrist ever.

My cat is on his way out. He is 16. He has heart disease and while I was IP he had another episode of rapid breathing/panting. He also has these "episodes" where he doesnt walk straight and doesn't really use his hind legs normally. Feline cardiologist is 1.5 hours east while my little boy can hardly take the 10 minute drive to our vet. Since my ****king mom couldn't answer the call back from the vet today I have to call them back tomorrow. He's on meds for this, but I wonder if he could use a higher dose? He is between 35 and 40 breaths per minute right now/this evening completely relaxed. It's supposed to be under 30. I just hope he's not in much pain and that I can somehow help him.

I'm just so lonely because of COVID-19. I want to see people in person. I took a shower and did my hair special to go out and socialize with my neighbors this evening. But only one of them was out. We had a nice chat but it was too short. I enjoyed seeing her and tried to take in the full experience by noticing her whole being and what she was wearing. She had a nice casual outfit on.

But it was only about ten minutes and now i'm back to just me. I thought of contacting the guy i last dated. He's a bit unsavory tho and i would just end up being afraid of him. He's got delusional disorder and has been to jail for assault. He vapes constantly and drinks and smokes up. I really shouldn't contact him but at least he would pay attention to me. I must not contact him. Every time i have gone with a guy due to loneliness i have regretted it.

It's just: i can't very well ask someone to go for coffee because of the darn pandemic. Always before when i felt lonely i would go to my mental health drop-in and chat and feel better. But it's been closed for months and has no signs of re-opening. I've gotten phone support from them before but i want to SEE people! There's a ZOOM event i may try tomorrow but i find ZOOM a poor substitute.

I left my dog inside tonight i was so determined i would have a decent chat with my neighbors. She fusses when i try and talk to people. But tonight of all nights they were not around.

I don't know if it's something I do or don't do, but I get talked over a LOT (in many situations). I just recently realized that it is the only thing that bothers me about a coworker (otherwise like them a lot). It happened a bunch today, and I realize it makes me very sad, because I've given up and just stop talking when it happens. And no one even notices. . I feel like I don't matter at all.

This seems minor in the scheme of things, but dang, it just feels rotten.

Maybe it's just bothering me more because my mental health has really been taking a hit with this stupid pandemic. It is REALLY getting to me. Not fear. Bleakness and loneliness. And I'm out there working! It's not like I'm not amongst people. I'm having a good ol' cry writing this. Why is it getting to me so much??!!

Edited to add: OMG, whatever. I SO hear you!! Many, many hugs...

Whether we like it or not humans need human interaction, in a physical dynamic way. It’s not enough to do zoom calls, or TeleHealth, or isolate completely. I absolutely hate dealing with people and have very very few friends, and every measure counts (eg. zoom calls, TeleHealth), but we need to be with people and feel connected and alive. I think it’s GREAT you took time to talk to your neighbor. It wasn’t perfect and too short, but it was something. I think that’s incredible. Also, stay away from that guy— your ex. It’s tempting I’m sure but it’s just more problems in the end.

Thank you for this tonight. It just kind of put into perspective for me what isolating does to a person. Being vocal only when you need help is a problem in itself. We should always strive to be heard and to be with people to feel connected.

I hope with everything going on in the world you can find a piece that’ll help you get through it all. If I were there— I’d keep you entertained all day long and enjoy every moment with you. I’ve learned a lot about your personality here and I can say I know we’d be great friends in real life. Even if I cant be there in person; I’m always here to listen @whatever2013 . Stay strong— it sucks for all of us.

Marcus did you get things figured out for work?

Thinking of you and praying for you

I know this is a tough situation

@Innerzone There is absolutely nothing strange or wrong or weird about wanting to feel heard. There is nothing more frustrating than not being able to interject or acknowledge anything because you’re drowned out. You’re putting in effort , they should appreciate that. I’m not saying it’s a conscious decision on their part , it’s probably not but it doesn’t make it any less of a problem. I’m sorry Innerzone, I’ve been there and I’be hated it. You’re too damn good of a person and trying too damn hard, and honestly too valuable to be ignored like that. You hold so much insight and I bet you’re creative and funny as hell. I hope your group realized what they do and you get a chance to speak up. They’re missing out, but may not know it.

Hugs
MarcusAurelius

@BeyondtheRainbow Thanks for asking — I’m much calmer now. I did everything on the app, wrote HR, called (all automated, no chance in talking to someone) so I have documentation I DID reach out to explain the situation. I’ll go to HR tomorrow to fix the mess I caused. Tonight is a lost cause — I hate to lose the time off and the money not compensated by it but I have to do what I can. Right now I’m ok. Im alive, I have a job that isn’t in jeopardy because of one mistake and while I feel crappy and unhappy — it’s no harm no foul.

Thanks for checking up on me

Are you taking Melatonin to get " high" or " spacey" feeling if so that needs to be addressed and quickly, you dont need an addiction.

Things are slowly working out at least temporarily (at least until October). Both H and I are really sick but it's not noticeably to others. H had a med change last week. I'm stuck for the next two weeks and a half unless T feels an earlier appointment is necessary she may.

I guess it's "COVID fatigue" because it really didn't matter much at first. I'm reclusive by nature so for me to be suffering from loneliness it's really gotten bad.

@Innerzone: I hate getting "talked-over" too. It really stings. Can you tell this co-worker how you feel, using tame "i" statements like the therapists teach? For myself, when faced with someone's pattern of hurtful behavior i accept that it's no guarantee of success if i speak up but it's sure to keep on happening if i don't say anything at all so i figure what do i have to lose? I read that it's bad for my health not to assert myself. So i'm experimenting with it. A young woman i know calls it "speaking my truth" and says how she would be violating herself not to do it. That's a bit new-age-y but there's something that rings true about it even so.

@MarcusAurelius: Thanks for the kind words and the reminder that it sucks for all of us. I have the funniest meme of two horses nibbling at each other's mouths to portray what it will be like when physical distancing is finally over but i can't seem to post it without showing my Facebook page so you'll have to use your imagination.

Being talked over is a huge problem for me, I get mad but then turn it on to myself and slink to the mental pavement and start dripping off the edge into the gutter mentally ... I wish I had amazing magical words but I dont.. It just sucks

I have been so wrapped up in Steves health problems since Covid arrived that I havent had time to realize just how isolated I am, I mean I run out for groceries or meds but when did I last go do anything I want too ??? 2019 sometimes I think.

I am also over the covid , But geeeez massive house party in Nashville over the weekend hundreds and hundreds of people.. A commerical boat party was also fined , Hundreds of people.. No wonder its rampant ! ARGH ! I want 2019 back at this point or give me 2021 . maybe the Mayans got it wrong and it was 2021 not 2012???? Dyslexia probably was a thing back then

So is this where I say hang in there and things will improve ? Ugh friend .. I hope things get better, somehow better for us both ASAP .. Time for a break and good stuff Hollar if you want to have a rantfest

Life had me too busy today to work on my painting, But hopefully tomorrow.

I am dealing with some feelings of anger. most all are legit.... But some I know are anxiety driven..

Tomorrow must be an improvement !!!!!!!

Steve has a follow up Doctor appt tomorrow , Discovered a Tick on him tonight, He always feel sickly when he has gotten bit.. No bulleyes (yet) but another question for the Doctor.... do we go ahead and do a round of Doxicycline now ? as that is the medication for it. Soooooo yet another potential medical problem

Hugs to all

Noone can be expected to work during a panic. It will be fine. Rest.