[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm liking everything too, except the smaller font. When I have time I'll nose around and see if there's a way to enlarge it.

I have to say again - I am just amazed at the work you're doing with your move. What you're doing is something so many people dream of, but never bring to fruition.

I'm so very sorry to learn that the visit with your father was unpleasant. You know I/we are here, should you feel like "talking."

Thanks, BethRags I will check in from my road trip, for sure.

If you are viewing the page from a PC or laptop, a quick way to increase font size is to hold down the "Ctrl" key on your keyboard, then tap the plus "+" sign (while holding down "Ctrl") as many times as you like to get to a bigger size. To decrease font size, do the same but with the minus "-" sign. Or, you can find your customize menu for the browser you're using and find a Zoom option. I'll admit that the small font size here (on my view) is considered 100%, so using this latter method would require it be more than 100% for the browser I'm currently using (Chrome).

On a smart phone, or at least an android, you need only zoom in or out by using your thumb and pointer finger on the screen to stretch out (or in) the page.

[*Beth*]

I think the new forum isn't making me have to preview all my posts and fix the formatting. I don't know if anyone else has the problem, but it's really annoying.

Hopefully this post will format properly without me having to redo it and that will continue. Giving it a test run!


Hugs all around.

-------------------


Ugh. Nope. Still over-spaced formatting.


THANK YOU SOUPE

[Mountaindewed]

I got my shot. Threw my moods off slightly but I’m ok now. Then I decided I wanted McDonald’s. I had a 6 piece nugget and a plain hamburger. Which was my first actual meal besides eggs in I don’t know how long. And I feel so sick right now. I really don’t want to do the endoscopy but if I eat anything but small snacks throughout the day then I have issues. Also I’m not sure a 14 pound weight loss in 25 days is healthy and the majority of it has been unintentional. I just have to get up the nerve. I’m terrified of going under again and I know I’ll have to go again early next year for my second surgery.

[Victoria'smom]

No. It's entirely possible that, given the rough time you're having right now, you took your therapist's words too personally. Please don't make any big decisions until you're stable. Sometimes when we're in an unstable place we want to make a change just for change's sake.

I'm going to talk to her next time. I wasn't planning on abruptly stopping. I have a 6 month rule I have to follow. I'm probably sensitive.

here is no life long fix when it comes to Therapy and mental illness. Sure there are times someone could stop Therapy if they are doing well but then something happens or our mental illness's just reaches up and slap the snot out of us for no apparent reason.

What are you working on in Therapy ? Learning to accept you need medications to enjoy life and stay present

Last time we focused on my crisis plan and why to survive.

Learning new coping skills?

I'm working on staying home by myself

T

here literally is a million reasons that we can keep growing and understanding ourselves in Therapy?

My Advice is stop being worried that someone else needs the Therapist "more" than you. You have decided to go on the shot and I think over a few months its going to be something that you will start to feel better, which will allow you to progress in Therapy and find ways to improve life. Stop trying to talk yourself out of getting help.

[yellow_fleurs]

Hi all, I am struggling a bit (could be worse, but still not pleasant). I am so irritable, sensory sensitive and distracted, plus feel my mood is dropping a bit and feel tearful and negative. I am trying to keep perspective. Also, I am supposed to give a big presentation in two hours, and have been interviewing for jobs lately and I am just trying so hard to act normal when I feel like a mess.

I called the resident I see for psych meds and he said it sounds like I am describing some symptoms of hypomania but not typical. He is prescribing Gabapentin. Has anyone tried this?

He told me that it is complicated to follow what I am saying often (I know, it's complicated for me to follow, too :/) and suggested I track my moods again. Funny thing is I sort of was but was just too scattered to find that paper or recount anything clearly. He also said it's tough because I am moving in a month so it's not like they can do too much. I feel all anxious about that, like I just don't want to start over with someone yet feel I should move for other reasons. Even though he was nice I feel like a burden calling all the time with med reactions and rambling making it hard for him. That's probably my low mood talking, though. No point it dwelling.

Please send the goddess of clear thoughts my way so I do not totally bomb this presentation in two hours. Haha.

Hope everyone is doing okay, will try to catch up soon.

[*Beth*]

yellow_fleurs I hope your presentation goes well I'll bet you'll do just fine.

I have tried Gabapentin.The problem I had with it was that it gave me insomnia at night, but made me sleepy all day. I gave it a 3 month try, but no go. However, I've noticed that most people find Gabapentin very helpful. So who knows, for me it could have not worked well with other meds I was on, because I've never heard of someone describing the reaction I had.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by BethRags

yellow_fleurs I hope your presentation goes well I'll bet you'll do just fine.

I have tried Gabapentin.The problem I had with it was that it gave me insomnia at night, but made me sleepy all day. I gave it a 3 month try, but no go. However, I've noticed that most people find Gabapentin very helpful. So who knows, for me it could have not worked well with other meds I was on, because I've never heard of someone describing the reaction I had.

Thanks Bethrags! They told me to take it at night because it does make people sleepy. I am sensitive to stuff so could see it making me really sleepy, guess we'll see!

[scatterbrained04]

On vacation from work this week. I'm glad because I'm going through something and was getting irritated with people asking me what's wrong.

So flipping tired of living with bipolar. No one gets it, no one understands (except others living with it). I don't even get feel good hypomania anymore. Just chronic depression and mixed. I don't function very well at home. I'm always in bed. Can't flipping concentrate on anything other than what is rattling around in my mind. So tired. Feeling hopeless about the future. Just blah.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m doing very good today mental health wise. Physically I feel sick as hell. My mom cleaned the oven this morning and the smell was so bad and it just turned my stomach. I can barely eat again today. But my anxiety is low and group went well. But at this point I think I’m just plain avoiding the fact I need to see the gastrointestinal doctor and get the endoscopy done and ignoring the fact that I think something medical is going on as well.

[Soupe du jour]

We cleaned and fully cleared out our house and have started our road trip. Not sure where we'll end up for the night. We were thinking of Virginia Beach, but we might be too tired to go that far today.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m slightly annoyed and very confused because I got a text asking to confirm my Pdoc appointment at 4:30 this afternoon. So I clicked to confirm and it said it was cancelled. So I called and Apparently there are billing issues and he just saw me last week, which he didn’t. Unless they are going by the program dates and not the calendar dates. Because my 2 weeks into the program isn’t until Thursday. But he’s going to see me tomorrow. like why did they do it that way with the weird text message instead of just calling and explaining things.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

On vacation from work this week. I'm glad because I'm going through something and was getting irritated with people asking me what's wrong.

So flipping tired of living with bipolar. No one gets it, no one understands (except others living with it). I don't even get feel good hypomania anymore. Just chronic depression and mixed. I don't function very well at home. I'm always in bed. Can't flipping concentrate on anything other than what is rattling around in my mind. So tired. Feeling hopeless about the future. Just blah.

I so hear you. I've noticed this year that good hypo seems to be absent for me, too. But mixed states or depression is ever-present. I suppose it's because of medication, which seems to treat hypomania much more effectively than any other state. And that seems like adding insult to injury. It's difficult enough to have this illness, but then we get the only good thing about it taken away.

[scatterbrained04]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I so hear you. I've noticed this year that good hypo seems to be absent for me, too. But mixed states or depression is ever-present. I suppose it's because of medication, which seems to treat hypomania much more effectively than any other state. And that seems like adding insult to injury. It's difficult enough to have this illness, but then we get the only good thing about it taken away.

I so agree. And I'm finding that the older I get the less resilient I am. Which is a little scary and lot frustrating to me because I'm only 35. I've been playing this game since I was 14. Been on the meds 10 years. It's discouraging taking them but still having symptoms all the time.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

I so agree. And I'm finding that the older I get the less resilient I am. Which is a little scary and lot frustrating to me because I'm only 35. I've been playing this game since I was 14. Been on the meds 10 years. It's discouraging taking them but still having symptoms all the time.

Yes. I'm 57 and the past 10 years feel like they've been the roughest with my BD. Meds seem to be not as effective as they used to be. I really hope that researchers come up with meds for BD that are not just variations on meds that already exist, but that are truly new treatments. For example, better at treating depression without causing flatness. Meds with fewer side-effects.

[Soupe du jour]

Ending my day in Salisbury, Maryland. Tomorrow we continue heading south. We may want to check out Virginia Beach, Virginia then end the day in North Carolina.

[Sunflower123]

I’ve been running around with my daughter all day and we’ve done some baking. I’ve had a lot of fun and been in a great deal of pain with my back. It’s an ongoing thing that I am determined to heal.

I was going to address this next Tuesday with my PCP but she’s been exposed to the virus so they bumped me to mid January. That’s unfortunate for all involved.

Hugs to all who are struggling.

[lightly toasted]

Include me in the all mixed and depression group. I haven't experienced "fun" hypomania in at least 12 or 13 years (I'm 50). Even without medication there's been no good-times hypomania...just the miserable kind with mixed states and depression. The meds help me sleep, which is huge for me, and they help me recognize that my thoughts are depression and I don't have suicidal ideation every day like I did before meds...just a few days a month now. But that's it, that's the grand sum of improvements I've reached with meds 20 years after diagnosis.

I've been finding myself, asking, outside of eating yummy junk food, and bingewatching, is life ever going to be fun again? I'm sure it will be, but it's really hard to see that sometimes.

[wildflowerchild25]

I must agree about lack of fun hypomania. I haven’t been pleasantly hypomanic for two and a half years, although when I was it wasn’t entirely pleasant due to the police paranoia.

I’ve sure been depressed and/or mixed though.

Today I am not in a good mood, but I am hoping it is hormonal. I tend to get really depressed a few days before my period. But the problem is, my birth control got all messed up because of my lively pharmacy and now I’m all off track and I don’t know when it’s coming. So I can’t be sure that’s the issue. It’s really cutting in to my Christmas preparations.

I tried to make my toffee candy but it didn’t turn out. Tastes good but the chocolate chips didn’t melt like they were supposed to so it looks horrible. I wouldn’t mind except that was supposed to be part of my gift to my coworkers. Oh well. I’ll just apologize profusely for how it looks.

Tomorrow I asked my mom to keep my son for a couple of extra hours so I can hopefully wrap his presents. I can’t trust him not to barge in! He still kinda believes in Santa but I can tell he’s starting to poke holes in the theory. He said something about it this morning but I was in a bad mood (messy morning involving oversleeping, dropping lunches, and losing my keys) so I don’t remember what he said exactly. This may make me sound like a horrible parent but I will be glad if this is the last year Santa has to make an appearance. I would much rather put the presents under the tree Christmas Eve than wait until he’s asleep. He doesn’t go to sleep until so late!!!

He’s definitely approaching prepubescence at an alarming speed. Sleeping until 10am, difficult to rouse on school days, grew out of his pants in THREE MONTHS. And the moodiness, oh the moodiness! We had a veritable screaming match on Saturday just because I asked him to clean off the kitchen table! He flipped out because “it’s not his stuff”. I stayed as calm as I could and didn’t scream back, but I banished him to his room and told him not to come out until he could speak to me properly and apologize sincerely. Cue more screaming! I just walked away and ignored him. He got over it pretty fast but damn. If this is how he is at ten, true teenager hood is going to be a nightmare.

I hope I get some Christmas spirit tomorrow soon. Or at least be able to fake it on Christmas Day in the morning when my in laws are here!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by lightly toasted

Include me in the all mixed and depression group. I haven't experienced "fun" hypomania in at least 12 or 13 years (I'm 50). Even without medication there's been no good-times hypomania...just the miserable kind with mixed states and depression. The meds help me sleep, which is huge for me, and they help me recognize that my thoughts are depression and I don't have suicidal ideation every day like I did before meds...just a few days a month now. But that's it, that's the grand sum of improvements I've reached with meds 20 years after diagnosis.

I've been finding myself, asking, outside of eating yummy junk food, and bingewatching, is life ever going to be fun again? I'm sure it will be, but it's really hard to see that sometimes.

Exactly. Those are the words I ask myself, too. Too often, the highlight of the day is knowing that meds help my sleep. Some hypomania would be welcomed.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

....
He’s definitely approaching prepubescence at an alarming speed. Sleeping until 10am, difficult to rouse on school days, grew out of his pants in THREE MONTHS. And the moodiness, oh the moodiness! We had a veritable screaming match on Saturday just because I asked him to clean off the kitchen table! He flipped out because “it’s not his stuff”. I stayed as calm as I could and didn’t scream back, but I banished him to his room and told him not to come out until he could speak to me properly and apologize sincerely. Cue more screaming! I just walked away and ignored him. He got over it pretty fast but damn. If this is how he is at ten, true teenager hood is going to be a nightmare.

...

Good for you for refusing to engage in an argument. It's just impossible to tell know kids will behave during their teen years. My daughter was an angel child, a breeze as a teen, then went kind-of nuts in her 20's...emotionally up and down, touchy, unpredictable.

My son - I thought surely he would be a handful as a teen, because he was a wild child between 4 and 14. Turned out to be a really mellow teen and has remained a really mellow man.

I hope your Christmas spirit perks up

[Bugtussel]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

We may want to check out Virginia Beach, Virginia .

Welcome to Virginia! Enjoy your visit.

I haven't had any nice euphoric hypomania this year either but i feel it's due to COVID. There's nothing to get excited about and no way to have any adventures. I got "boosts" in the Spring and Fall but they were brief. In the Spring i cleaned and in the Fall i cooked. Otherwise i've been mildly to moderately depressed. I really resonated with the words of @lightly toasted. Thirty years after diagnosis i'm still having mood swings. Ditto the yummy junk food and binge-watching and sleeping well. And with suicidality being infrequent instead of constant. We're really on the same page.

Tomorrow is my Scrabble club's Christmas party on ZOOM while we have our regular club night. I should go in the party because my days are dull but i'd have to take a shower and dress and i'm ashamed of how much weight i've gained since COVID. I hope i can make it. I'll for sure play the games, i just might not go in the party. I'm on a winning streak at Scrabble club. I've won all my games three weeks in a row.

Last night i was awake til 4:00am but i've been getting up later and later in the afternoon and resting part of the afternoon also so i'm getting hardly any daylight. This is about usual for this time of year. I dread Christmas and just focus on passing the time in as pleasant a way as possible. I had some fun games tonight in Scrabble. I just play the dumbest bots i can find, so i'm almost assured to win. I don't like losing. It's amusing to play this way, just the same.

Hugs to all who struggle!

[Mountaindewed]

I feel ok today. I was anxious until I drank a mug of stress relief tea. I am very tired though from my 3rd night in a row of not sleeping well. Physically besides being tired I am fine. We usually go out to dinner on Christmas Eve. Since we can’t do that this year we are getting Outback to go. We had to place our order last night so we could get a spot. Restaurants for carry out are getting booked super fast. I am hoping Christmas Day will be just a regular Christmas. My family is coming up in the afternoon and then we open presents and have turkey. Saturday my aunt and her boyfriend are coming over for dinner. I hope everyone who comes over has been staying safe so people aren’t getting Covid 2 weeks later. That would suck to get Covid a couple months before you get the vaccine.

I just told my mom a really mean joke about my Pdoc that was totally unlike me. I really need to chill out sometimes. I’m In group for a couple hours each day and then I just need to blow off steam because things get stressful. Still not an excuse for me being an asshole but I know my mom won’t respond badly when I say rude things about other people and I only tell these bad jokes to her.

He still hasn’t called despite saying he would when I was in group. It’s not a big deal if he doesn’t call but I am just waiting around for the call and I can’t take a shower or anything.

[Moose72]

I got my presents from our gift exchange. They're all wrapped up in tissue paper. It looks like I got mop pads and a CD! I'm so looking forward to finding out which CD it is! Whoever my secret person is, I wonder what type of taste in music they have.

I went out to Meijer today for some groceries. It was extremely busy. LONG lines and people everywhere. I guess I should've gotten up earlier! And I forgot egg nog until I was in line. So, if I really want some, I'll have to find some at a convenience store somewhere. It will be more expensive, but it's better than waiting in one of those LOOOOONG lines.

I was talking with Caleb for quite a while today. That was nice. I need a shower today some time. Maybe I'll wait and get my pjs on after I take the shower.

Last night I rented my very first movie from Amazon Prime. It's N3's account so I paid him back via my bank's web app, since we both belong to the same place it was easy to transfer the money. Elf is what I watched. It was mildly entertaining. I thought his spaghetti with M&Ms and chocolate Pop Tarts was a funny combination. I also watched a show (free) about Waterbrook home for disabled people. His and others were just dropped there and left and they got next to zero care. Just hanging around in filth naked and with diseases. And this was in the 70's (I think).

My mom is dropping off the food for Christmas, tomorrow. Mickey waffles and sausage to reheat for breakfast and Christmas Casserole and seven-layer salad for dinner. The Casserole is a combination of potatoes, eggs and ham in a curry sauce. It's very good! And the salad is one of my late grandmother's famous dishes. There are seven layers of ingredients plus ranch dressing: Cheddar cheese, peas, lettuce, spinach, bacon, cauliflower, dressing. (Not in that order.) Toss just before serving. It's so good! I only have it at holidays and the casserole we only have on Christmas day.

[Mountaindewed]

I took tomorrow off from group. I was honest with my case manager. And she was super cool and said since it’s a holiday it’s ok to take the day off. I just feel bad because I do want to spend it with my family. And I don’t feel good right now either. But I’ve had christmas messed up a few times because something happened the day before a break. Mainly it was work related stuff. So I just didn’t want anything bad to happen tomorrow and mess things up. But I’m just assuming something bad will happen and I kind of feel like I’m avoiding and doing the opposite of what they are teaching me. Having a good Christmas is a huge deal to me. I feel guilty even though she said it was fine. My Pdoc still has not called even though he said he would when I called yesterday after he cancelled. I’m lying in bed with the blinds closed and my weighted blankets on and I have a couple sensory things with me and if he calls I could be in dangerous territory because I look awful right now.