[Mountaindewed]

I’m still a bit down about my therapist. I honestly think it’s just changes in hormones. Things were fine before I started my transition. Then I became all needy and clingy and wanting her attention. But I went through a lot more stuff and got through a lot more tougher issues with several other therapists. I have no idea what is so different about my current one. I’ve left the others with no issues. Some I left suddenly. This is just so weird for me.

But today I’m trying to be productive. I ordered a new weighted blanket, and I took a shower and I’m going to start reading. I exercised too. I managed yesterday with just one Xanax. I’m hoping to continue just staying at one a day. Last night I read from 3:30 until about 8PM. Then I was able to ignore my thoughts which weren’t too bad. So yeah I’m doing pretty good. Feeling ok.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I’m still a bit down about my therapist. I honestly think it’s just changes in hormones. Things were fine before I started my transition. Then I became all needy and clingy and wanting her attention. But I went through a lot more stuff and got through a lot more tougher issues with several other therapists. I have no idea what is so different about my current one. I’ve left the others with no issues. Some I left suddenly. This is just so weird for me.

But today I’m trying to be productive. I ordered a new weighted blanket, and I took a shower and I’m going to start reading. I exercised too. I managed yesterday with just one Xanax. I’m hoping to continue just staying at one a day. Last night I read from 3:30 until about 8PM. Then I was able to ignore my thoughts which weren’t too bad. So yeah I’m doing pretty good. Feeling ok.

Mountaindewed, I strongly suggest you discuss this matter with your therapist. There is clearly an issue relating to her. I'm thinking it is transference, in some shape or form, which is not a bad thing unless it is not discussed. If you're wondering what to say to her, read aloud to her the very first paragraph in your post above. Verbatim.

You have way too many other concerns in your life than to have your therapist in them so often. Like her, you want to leave her, like her again, need her, obsess about her, upset with her, down about her. Her, her, her???????

Sometimes transference itself is a wonderful thing to discuss for the actual therapeutic process. Other times, it can signal that the relationship must end. I can't help but wonder if your therapist is capable of utilizing such information effectively. Have you spoken about this with your psychiatrist? Maybe he/she could help you determine next steps with your therapist. I'm not sure if any of our feedback here at My Support Forums has really yielded any good or help, in regards to your relationship with your therapist.

Is your therapist a specialist (or have any experience) working with people in the LGBTQ+ community? If not, it might be good to look for someone who is. They're out there. They can also be helpful for mood disorders, and other issues.

@BethRags: I'm so sorry about your friend.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Beth Rags, I'm sorry about your friend. I hope you will be able to focus on the happy memories and not on the cause of her loss.

[Victoria'smom]

Sorry Bethrags

[Moose72]

Beth, that is tragic what happened to your friend. I often worry that this will happen to my dad. My cousin's husband drank himself to an early grave as well. And she had a son with him who wasn't very old-maybe 10?- when his father died.

Originally Posted by BethRags

I've lost my precious friend C. We met when we were 5 years old, so a close friendship of 53 years. Her death was essentially a suicide. Her liver and heart were so compromised, but she couldn't stop drinking. She died during the night. Her daughter was with her. C. was someone who gave and gave, and loved- while she tormented herself inside. I'm broken right now.

I'm so sorry Beth. That is very sad. Lots of hugs.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

Mountaindewed, I strongly suggest you discuss this matter with your therapist. There is clearly an issue relating to her. I'm thinking it is transference, in some shape or form, which is not a bad thing unless it is not discussed. If you're wondering what to say to her, read aloud to her the very first paragraph in your post above. Verbatim.

You have way too many other concerns in your life than to have your therapist in them so often. Like her, you want to leave her, like her again, need her, obsess about her, upset with her, down about her. Her, her, her???????

Sometimes transference itself is a wonderful thing to discuss for the actual therapeutic process. Other times, it can signal that the relationship must end. I can't help but wonder if your therapist is capable of utilizing such information effectively. Have you spoken about this with your psychiatrist? Maybe he/she could help you determine next steps with your therapist. I'm not sure if any of our feedback here at My Support Forums has really yielded any good or help, in regards to your relationship with your therapist.

Is your therapist a specialist (or have any experience) working with people in the LGBTQ+ community? If not, it might be good to look for someone who is. They're out there. They can also be helpful for mood disorders, and other issues.

She specializes in autism. When I was trying to figure out a therapist a couple years ago I was originally going to work with this young guy a couple years older then me. Which I thought was going to be great. But once I told him I had autism he said he needed to switch me to an autism specialist. I was adamant that my autism was not my main issue and that I’d like to work with him. He insisted he switch me to someone. I specifically said I did not want to work with a women who was over a certain age because I felt like this could happen. After awhile I did end up with my current therapist who is in her early 40’s. And yeah what I thought might happen did happen.

So I do feel like I ultimately ended up getting hurt although I do give my current t a lot of credit for helping me figure out stuff and giving me the diagnosis of gender dysphoria and giving me the name of the doctor I work with.

But I am just so tired of doing this and tomorrow I’m just going to ask if we can legit talk. Talk about transference and the med situation and the food situation and how everything is just getting really out of control. Because I am ****ing tired. Also I think my split dose of my injection is starting to help me have different feelings and views about stuff. In a good way.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I've lost my precious friend C. We met when we were 5 years old, so a close friendship of 53 years. Her death was essentially a suicide. Her liver and heart were so compromised, but she couldn't stop drinking. She died during the night. Her daughter was with her. C. was someone who gave and gave, and loved- while she tormented herself inside. I'm broken right now.

My condolences on the loss of your friend.

[Scooter9]

So sorry for your loss @BethRags

[Moose72]

I wrote another poem tonight. Lots of "vocabulary words" that I got from the book I'm reading. I had to stop every few pages to look up a word! Now people may have to look up the meaning of these words in my poem!

Watching Wall-E. Haven't seen that in ages.

[*Beth*]

I am so grateful for each of your condolences. I'm walloped today. Just waiting for bedtime.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I am so grateful for each of your condolences. I'm walloped today. Just waiting for bedtime.

My first night on straight Valium went fine! I thought at this late date i would explain the method i am using. I thought everyone one knew it, but that's silly.

I'm withdrawing from 1mg of Clonazepam using Valium. This method is useful because they are both benzos but Valium comes in much smaller doses so the cuts can be made really small making for the most gentle way of withdrawing. (Benzos are notoriously hard to withdraw from.) Clonazepam is twenty times the strength of Valium so for the first two stages i have been substituting in Valium. The first week i took a mix of the two, to total the full dose, 0.5mg Clonazepam and 10mg Valium. This week i am on 20mg of Valium. Next week i will start decreasing the Valium by 1mg each week or two, depending on how it goes. The last stage will be at 0.5mg.

Anyways, just thought i would explain.

Possible trigger:

I had a terrible time last night before bed with suicidality. I composed an email to my disability benefits provider asking them to launch a legal initiative to expand euthanasia to include reasons of mental illness (Canada). I figure they might be interested since they could get all us expensive recipients off their payroll. Thankfully i didn't send it and today i feel better. Shaken, tho.

Sunday seems to be the worst day of the week for me and yesterday was especially troubling since it was Superbowl Sunday and i remembered my mom (who was a functional alcoholic and die-hard football fan) getting drunk and pounding on the floor and hollering at the TV when i was a kid and scaring me and making me ashamed of her. She was so out-of-control...

But in good news, today it was announced that we will be out of lockdown next week! Yay! I can get a haircut! I've booked it already!

[bpcyclist]

Hey, guys. Checking back in again. Been very busy with work and trying to deal with my anguish at the loss of this relationship. So painful. Cried for an hour tonight. Oh well, if people are not willing to consider sharing responsibility for a friendship’s problems, there really just is no shot at a solution. And that was my situation. The person’s world construct is that all our problems are my creation and they, themselves, are basically perfect. Sorta tough to get anywhere from there.

Anyhow, I am strong. I am moving forward to help suffering patients.

Will try to start checking in daily. It helps me a lot! Hugs!

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Hey, guys. Checking back in again. Been very busy with work and trying to deal with my anguish at the loss of this relationship. So painful. Cried for an hour tonight. Oh well, if people are not willing to consider sharing responsibility for a friendship’s problems, there really just is no shot at a solution. And that was my situation. The person’s world construct is that all our problems are my creation and they, themselves, are basically perfect. Sorta tough to get anywhere from there.

Anyhow, I am strong. I am moving forward to help suffering patients.

Will try to start checking in daily. It helps me a lot! Hugs!

Many hugs back at you, my friend! It made me smile this morning to see your post.

I'm sorry that your relationship didn't work out. It's sad when we believe there is great potential, but then comes disappointment. You are right that people must always see their part in relationship challenges. It's rare that only one person is 100% responsible for such issues.

You are a mighty swell gentleman to be advocated for and helping suffering patients. What a noble endeavor . Thanks for that!

[Soupe du jour]

Well, apparently the main moving company we hired finally paid the Czech movers, so a delivery of our stuff is set for 2 pm tomorrow, central European time. They apparently won't unpack the stuff tomorrow. Just deliver and put in the house and/or garage. They will then return on Friday to actually unpack stuff and do additional hauling of stuff, such as to our second floor. Some of our stuff will have trouble getting through the entrance door, so will need to be disassembled into smaller pieces (i.e. my husband's desk). Luckily the handymen who are working for us can also help.

[Mountaindewed]

I don’t usually have bad mornings, just bad nights, but this is a bad morning. I woke up and got an alert on my community Facebook page that there were vaccines available at a Walgreens. That was posted 34 minutes before I woke up. By the time my mom had gotten to the website, she had seen the post before me, the website had crashed. I want her to get the vaccine so badly and she does too but she won’t try to set her alarm to wake up at midnight or anything like that. Then half an hour after that, after I took a shower, the weight on the scale didn’t move. Again. I honestly think I broke my metabolism. Then I finally tried watching the Drag Race from last Friday. But I’m watching it on demand and it doesn’t have Untucked. And they never re-air those or have them on any streaming service. If I had just remembered to record it Friday night this wouldn’t have happened.

Augh!!! It’s only 8. I can’t imagine what the rest of the day especially therapy is gonna look like. Although I’m not stressed about it.

It’s funny though that my day is bad and it has nothing to do with my therapist like it usually does.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

My first night on straight Valium went fine! I thought at this late date i would explain the method i am using. I thought everyone one knew it, but that's silly.

I'm withdrawing from 1mg of Clonazepam using Valium. This method is useful because they are both benzos but Valium comes in much smaller doses so the cuts can be made really small making for the most gentle way of withdrawing. (Benzos are notoriously hard to withdraw from.) Clonazepam is twenty times the strength of Valium so for the first two stages i have been substituting in Valium. The first week i took a mix of the two, to total the full dose, 0.5mg Clonazepam and 10mg Valium. This week i am on 20mg of Valium. Next week i will start decreasing the Valium by 1mg each week or two, depending on how it goes. The last stage will be at 0.5mg.

Anyways, just thought i would explain.

Possible trigger:

I had a terrible time last night before bed with suicidality. I composed an email to my disability benefits provider asking them to launch a legal initiative to expand euthanasia to include reasons of mental illness (Canada). I figure they might be interested since they could get all us expensive recipients off their payroll. Thankfully i didn't send it and today i feel better. Shaken, tho.

Sunday seems to be the worst day of the week for me and yesterday was especially troubling since it was Superbowl Sunday and i remembered my mom (who was a functional alcoholic and die-hard football fan) getting drunk and pounding on the floor and hollering at the TV when i was a kid and scaring me and making me ashamed of her. She was so out-of-control...

But in good news, today it was announced that we will be out of lockdown next week! Yay! I can get a haircut! I've booked it already!

I'm sorry you had a rough night. Sundays are usually the most difficult day for me, too.


I wish my pdoc would use the method you're using for benzo withdrawal. I'm just doing a very, very slow decrease. It'll take over a year, I'm sure.

That's a horrible memory of your mom. Really rotten.

[Fuzzybear]

wtf is ''wrong'' with some people They are doing that ... stuff.. again

Eating salmon I wish I was a bear

(not about anyone here)

(not about the situation in the world)

[Soupe du jour]

Today was busy. Lots of deliveries and a tech for our internet issue. The handymen worked in the garage. I cooked a big dinner of bacon-wrapped meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and peas and carrots. At one point while cooking, our carbon monoxide alarm went off. Who knows why!?! It eventually stopped. We opened windows for a while. Then our electricity went out. Not sure how/why that happened, either, but our handyman got it on again. Hubby saw what he did. Tomorrow I want to be shown. I don't want that happening while I'm alone, and be too ignorant to get it back on.

Hubby served the meal. He gave each of us hog trough size portions of meatloaf. One of the handymen looked at it in disbelief. When I said "Velky!" (meaning "big") the guy laughed in agreement. But the other handyman has a huge appetite and ate his own, and his colleague's portion, but did share a bit with his dog, Aida. I was impressed that Aida even ate steamed carrots.

Our fridge is quite small, so the handyman keeps some recently slaughtered pork products in a bag outside on our windowsill. I asked Hubby to translate that if the bag was in New Jersey, it would be long gone by now. Hubby explained that raccoons would get it, or some other animal. "Raccoon" translates to "Little bear that cleans its food", in Czech. The handymen didn't know that animal. In response, they asked, seriously, if we have wild kangaroos in the US.

[Mountaindewed]

Well first I was doing therapy in the garage with the doors open so I could get light. The painter was there and I wanted total privacy. It was 10 degrees out and I had my jacket on. Then when she signed on She seemed a bit confused but then I told her I was in the car and why. And I said “I want to legit talk today because I feel like I’m having a lot of transference in sessions and I’m out of control with my meds and food”. So we talked. I told her before I started transitioning things were ok. And she was like all the other therapists I had. But then my hormones got out of whack and things just became different. Especially since we were doing video sessions the whole time. I thought she was going to be upset or not know how to handle that I was having transference. But she was totally cool about the whole thing. I said it was like that U2 song With Or Without You. She seemed confused and at first didn’t know what I was talking about and it clicked and she said “oh yeah, got you.” She asked how I would feel if I set up an appointment with the therapist I’m going to see when I move. So I could transfer now. Everyone in the state is still doing video sessions. Her answer made a **** ton of sense I don’t know why I didn’t think of it. I told her about the med situation Wednesday and how I felt like a failure for not being able to join the 27 club. I told her about the Benadryl on Friday. She seemed to think that on Friday maybe I was having a flashback to when I’d get Benadryl shots in the psych hospital. and I told her about Saturday when I did finally give my mom my meds. I told her a lot of it was a PMS thing. And we just really talked. So she emailed my mom a release form and my mom and I are going to start to figure out another therapist. I’m hoping to have one last session with my current T next week. But what happens happens. Maybe the new one can fit me in next week. I told my current T it wasn’t her fault it was mine. And I appreciated everything she did for me. That I don’t know if I would have had the courage to come out as trans if it wasn’t for her helping me and giving me the name of my primary. She said it was a big deal for me to admit that I was having these transference issues and she said there was no fault on anyone’s side. We made another safety plan.

I don’t know. I have mixed feelings but basically right now I’m just super relieved and like a weight that I’ve been carrying for a long time has been lifted.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

...... "Raccoon" translates to "Little bear that cleans its food", in Czech. The handymen didn't know that animal. In response, they asked, seriously, if we have wild kangaroos in the US.

"Little bear that cleans its food" - adorable translation. And I don't know about you, but I have kangaroos out here

I have a friend who is Bulgarian and she told me once that the word for "hummingbird" in Bulgarian is kalibray, which is the same word for "jewelry."

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

....

Good for you for speaking openly with her! That takes courage and commitment. I agree that setting a session(s) up with your new T is a good idea.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by BethRags

"Little bear that cleans its food" - adorable translation. And I don't know about you, but I have kangaroos out here

I have a friend who is Bulgarian and she told me once that the word for "hummingbird" in Bulgarian is kalibray, which is the same word for "jewelry."