[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by BethRags

"Little bear that cleans its food" - adorable translation. And I don't know about you, but I have kangaroos out here

I have a friend who is Bulgarian and she told me once that the word for "hummingbird" in Bulgarian is kalibray, which is the same word for "jewelry."

You have kangaroos?

That's interesting about the Bulgarian word for hummingbirds. The Czech word is a very similar "kolibřík", but my husband says it doesn't mean jewelry, in Czech. I can certainly understand how/why it would in other languages. Unfortunately, Czech Republic (and likely Bulgaria) have no hummingbirds. We will miss them. On the east coast of the US the only hummingbirds are the ruby throated species. In California, don't you have at least a few different kinds? I remember the ones in Costa Rica and the Virgin Islands were amazing! Hubby and I are big fans. He took the following photo of the one drinking from the bird of paradise in Costa Rica. Do you see the bee at its tail? The other is a male ruby throated.

We've always adored hummers! Anyone interested in a short sweet story about a hummer can read my old post A very caring little bird story. That portrays a female ruby throated that left a lasting impression on us.

[bpcyclist]

Just slowly getting back into the swing of things here, guy. Doing okay. Working hard, moving this project forward. That part is goin great. The personal side still needs some work, but we will get there. I have hope and faith.

Beth, I am so sorry about your friend. That is just heartbreaking. People just do not realize the massive, massive damage they do when they deceive us. It is just relationship carnage and Armageddon, in my opinion. Hang in there. There are some honest people out there. A few. If you search. Hugs!

[wildflowerchild25]

Oh lord, my friends. I was soooo physically ill yesterday. It was horrible.

My dr upped my lamictal to 400mg just to help me get through this difficult time. Well I took the 200mg in the am on Saturday and Sunday no problem, but yesterday! I took the 200mg before I went to work and by the time I got there I was having double vision and I couldn’t walk steadily at all. A fellow teacher saw me just standing there against my car and got the nurse for me. Thankfully I had seen a post on here not too long ago that mentioned taking too much lamictal by accident and I specifically remember double vision so I told the nurse I was sure that’s what it was and if I could just sit down for an hour or two I’d be fine. Obviously it’s not like I could drive home anyway. So she walked me into my classroom and got someone to cover my remote student because I couldn’t look at a computer screen.

The double vision did diminish pretty quickly but I had an intense nausea and dizziness the entire day. I couldn’t even sit up in my chair because I was afraid I was going to throw up. I basically sat there like a useless lump all day (but hey, I was there so I got my hours!). By the time 3:30 came around I had already called RS and told him he needed to come pick me up. He did and he had to walk me in the house to bed. I literally could not move my head at all or I would feel intense nausea. I had to put on my pjs in steps! It finally died down around 10:30pm so I decided to get up and eat some food and drink some water.

This morning I was fine but I did NOT take my morning dose of lamictal. I have a call in to my dr, hopefully she will call me back. I don’t understand! I guess I went up too fast? I went from 200mg to 300mg no problem. It’s possible I took the wrong dose Sunday night but I really don’t think so. All I know is I’m not taking that **** again until she can give me some guidance. Something went seriously wrong!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

You have kangaroos?

That's interesting about the Bulgarian word for hummingbirds. The Czech word is a very similar "kolibřík", but my husband says it doesn't mean jewelry, in Czech. I can certainly understand how/why it would in other languages. Unfortunately, Czech Republic (and likely Bulgaria) have no hummingbirds. We will miss them. On the east coast of the US the only hummingbirds are the ruby throated species. In California, don't you have at least a few different kinds? I remember the ones in Costa Rica and the Virgin Islands were amazing! Hubby and I are big fans. He took the following photo of the one drinking from the bird of paradise in Costa Rica. Do you see the bee at its tail? The other is a male ruby throated.

We've always adored hummers! Anyone interested in a short sweet story about a hummer can read my old post A very caring little bird story. That portrays a female ruby throated that left a lasting impression on us.

Yes, we have a variety of hummingbirds here. They're such enchanting little dears! I enjoyed your story, very sweet. I imagine fairies riding on the backs of hummingbirds. And thanks for the photos - lovely!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by bpcyclist

Just slowly getting back into the swing of things here, guy. Doing okay. Working hard, moving this project forward. That part is goin great. The personal side still needs some work, but we will get there. I have hope and faith.

Beth, I am so sorry about your friend. That is just heartbreaking. People just do not realize the massive, massive damage they do when they deceive us. It is just relationship carnage and Armageddon, in my opinion. Hang in there. There are some honest people out there. A few. If you search. Hugs!

It's so good to see you, bpc And thank you for your condolence. My dear friend was the last person I would have expected deception from. But she carried a lot of (unnecessary) shame...from that perspective I can understand why she was engaged in denial and deception.

Carnage and Armageddon = apt descriptions.

[Sunflower123]

I needed to text the crisis line tonight. Way too close a call. Even thoughts of my daughter didn’t help. I don’t have any idea what’s gotten into me for two days but I’ve had constant waterworks and SI with plans. I don’t like it. I’m going to bed after I force myself to watch a funny movie and I hope to sleep it off. I hope to give a better report tomorrow.

It's been such a bad day for me. I feel so unhappy with everything right now.


Despite the everyday issues I have with living here, or feeling pushed and prodded... I also have my issues with apparently my divorce.


Not a day goes by my ex doesn't come to mind. I mean, it's not so weird things are coming up more now -- her birthday was the 4th. But I've never been able to not think about her. In everything I do. Now I'm having nightmares or negative "dreams" (none that leave me feeling good) about her and they color my day. I haven't physically seen her in going over 1.5 years. My divorce has been final for over a year. Why can't I let go? Why do I hold onto her so tightly? I just don't understand why it's still affecting everything I do. Enough is enough.

I just don't know why I am not able to just put it behind me. I loved her with all my heart and she never loved me. Whereever she is, whatever she is doing now -- I do hope she is happy and well. I don't want to know anything about her, but I don't wish her ill will. I do however grieve the person I loved who may never have even existed, just my imagination creating someone who could love me too. It's always one step forward, two steps back with me. I've never felt I'd ever marry again or really try, because it hurt me so badly. It'll be two years in the summer, and I haven't waivered in the slightest in that regard. I am not kidding when I say not a day goes by without thinking of her. Even in moments I really wish not to associate her anymore. I know I am probably the only one still (or who ever was) hurting but I just don't know how to stop feeling this way.

I'd really do anything to just not have to feel this way, and forget. I know people say things like "better to loved and to have lost" nonsense -- for some they can find the beauty in that, I am not one of those people. If I could simply forget .. I would be happier. Sadly there is no way to accomplish that. Memory and emotion and the brain is all too complex to have a simple switch. Apparently running away and "forgetting" isn't a new concept for me, a few years ago and this summer both I had bouts of memories flooding back I hadn't thought about since the time they happened it felt like. (I won't go as far as to say I believe in repressed memories, but they definitely weren't things I would recall even if asked about things directly surrounding, but not being, the event.).


I'm getting off track.

I know I should give myself time to grieve, I am impatient when it comes to pain. 1.5 years isn't that long of a time. But there are days like today I feel like I'm starting all over again grieving, and it hurts. When will that stop? When can I feel OK again?

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I've lost my precious friend C. We met when we were 5 years old, so a close friendship of 53 years. Her death was essentially a suicide. Her liver and heart were so compromised, but she couldn't stop drinking. She died during the night. Her daughter was with her. C. was someone who gave and gave, and loved- while she tormented herself inside. I'm broken right now.

I'm so sorry BethRags for the loss of your close friend and that alcohol took her.

[Mountaindewed]

I called the hospital and asked if they had any beds open. They couldn’t give out that info. Said it changes from hour to hour. I fear for my safety at any other mental health hospital. When I was lying in bed half an hour ago with massive stomach pain and anxiety I thought this really could be something physical. So I’m going to go see the gastro doctor I was referred to.

Why would anxiety and stomach pain act up only at night? I’ve heard that ulcers can do that. Things are worse when I lie down. Everything. I ate a cucumber. I don’t know. If I lie down with the lights on things are better.

[Sometimes psychotic]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I called the hospital and asked if they had any beds open. They couldn’t give out that info. Said it changes from hour to hour. I fear for my safety at any other mental health hospital. When I was lying in bed half an hour ago with massive stomach pain and anxiety I thought this really could be something physical. So I’m going to go see the gastro doctor I was referred to.

Why would anxiety and stomach pain act up only at night? I’ve heard that ulcers can do that. Things are worse when I lie down. Everything. I ate a cucumber. I don’t know. If I lie down with the lights on things are better.

GERD occurs predominantly at night because you’re laying down....

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by MarcusAurelius

It's been such a bad day for me. I feel so unhappy with everything right now.


Despite the everyday issues I have with living here, or feeling pushed and prodded... I also have my issues with apparently my divorce.


Not a day goes by my ex doesn't come to mind. I mean, it's not so weird things are coming up more now -- her birthday was the 4th. But I've never been able to not think about her. In everything I do. Now I'm having nightmares or negative "dreams" (none that leave me feeling good) about her and they color my day. I haven't physically seen her in going over 1.5 years. My divorce has been final for over a year. Why can't I let go? Why do I hold onto her so tightly? I just don't understand why it's still affecting everything I do. Enough is enough.

I just don't know why I am not able to just put it behind me. I loved her with all my heart and she never loved me. Whereever she is, whatever she is doing now -- I do hope she is happy and well. I don't want to know anything about her, but I don't wish her ill will. I do however grieve the person I loved who may never have even existed, just my imagination creating someone who could love me too. It's always one step forward, two steps back with me. I've never felt I'd ever marry again or really try, because it hurt me so badly. It'll be two years in the summer, and I haven't waivered in the slightest in that regard. I am not kidding when I say not a day goes by without thinking of her. Even in moments I really wish not to associate her anymore. I know I am probably the only one still (or who ever was) hurting but I just don't know how to stop feeling this way.

I'd really do anything to just not have to feel this way, and forget. I know people say things like "better to loved and to have lost" nonsense -- for some they can find the beauty in that, I am not one of those people. If I could simply forget .. I would be happier. Sadly there is no way to accomplish that. Memory and emotion and the brain is all too complex to have a simple switch. Apparently running away and "forgetting" isn't a new concept for me, a few years ago and this summer both I had bouts of memories flooding back I hadn't thought about since the time they happened it felt like. (I won't go as far as to say I believe in repressed memories, but they definitely weren't things I would recall even if asked about things directly surrounding, but not being, the event.).


I'm getting off track.

I know I should give myself time to grieve, I am impatient when it comes to pain. 1.5 years isn't that long of a time. But there are days like today I feel like I'm starting all over again grieving, and it hurts. When will that stop? When can I feel OK again?

It took me a long time to not cry everytime I thought of how I broke our family up by divorcing my husband. It hurt for a long time. I'd see families together or read a children's book on families or divorce and tear up in public at the book store. Its very hard and just takes time. Its been 18 years since I filed for divorce and still I wonder what it would be like if we'd stayed together.

[Moose72]

Today I did laundry, including sheets and pillow cases. They are back on the bed/put away now. I also wrote a new poem. Not sure what to think except that it's a lot shorter than many of my other recent works.

In time I sing a song with spirit
For a longing so near it
That the pleasures they possess
In here increase in flesh
Love to bring my days with ease
All ways to please
By your charms
Unless you save me in your arms.

But my heart is worn
By your woeful scorn
I shall perish at thy breast
For I can no longer
Feel comfort in my rest.

I wanted to do something to cheer up next Sunday which is the worst day of the week for me. This year it's also Valentine's Day. Superbowl Sunday this past weekend was pretty grim. I looked into sending myself flowers but they're pretty expensive and i have no where to put them. So i treated myself to a new hoodie in a cheerful pretty blue to replace the shabby black men's thing i've been unhappy with for a long time. My place is cool enough in the Winter to require two layers. I get good use out of hoodies.

So that's arriving Saturday or Sunday. A little treat and hopefully some insurance that Valentine's Sunday is not as horrid as Superbowl Sunday was.

@BethRags: Thanks for the support! You're a gem! Even tho you're in pain over your friend you still offer compassion. That's impressive!

@Jennifer 1967: Sorry you're having such a rough time and hope you sleep it off successfully.

@MarcusAurelius: I still ache over my divorce and it's been 25 years. You're doing well to wish her well. That's a good sign. Good for you! I don't think anyone who's been divorced is ever the same again.

[Soupe du jour]

@MarcusAurelius, I still occasionally think of my first love, and I haven't even seen him in 25 years. I even googled him about four months ago. It's normal to think of people that you loved so much, even if there was a breakup/divorce. I think of my youngest nephew, my most recent parrot, and my mother almost every single day. The thoughts do decrease a little over time, though. I understand the pain it's giving you. Soon after my nephew died from bipolar depression, I tried to convince myself that he was just "away at college", but he wasn't. Grief royally sucks, but everyone experiences it.

I'm tired and today will be a stressful day. This is affecting my ability to concentrate and retain information. Cloudy brain. I wonder if I'm experiencing a mild mixed state. That or just the stress. Having my monthly hormonal chaos now doesn't help. Soon there will be dozens of boxes in my house. Glad they're coming, though.

When I went downstairs this morning it was clear that the handyman washed our pots and pans. Hubby was supposed to do that, last night. That embarrassed me.

[Soupe du jour]

YAY!!!!!! Our belongings have finally arrived at our new home in Europe! The truck had to park a bit up the road in front of our neighbor's property because we live on a dangerous curve in the road. The moving crew is huge. There are about seven or eight guys.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I needed to text the crisis line tonight. Way too close a call. Even thoughts of my daughter didn’t help. I don’t have any idea what’s gotten into me for two days but I’ve had constant waterworks and SI with plans. I don’t like it. I’m going to bed after I force myself to watch a funny movie and I hope to sleep it off. I hope to give a better report tomorrow.

Good for you for texting the crisis line. In my experience, sleeping it off can be genuinely helpful.

[bpcyclist]

Doing good so far today. Lots of work to do. Pretty happy and hopeful for the future. Have a great day, guys! Hugs!

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I needed to text the crisis line tonight. Way too close a call. Even thoughts of my daughter didn’t help. I don’t have any idea what’s gotten into me for two days but I’ve had constant waterworks and SI with plans. I don’t like it. I’m going to bed after I force myself to watch a funny movie and I hope to sleep it off. I hope to give a better report tomorrow.

How are you feeling today, Jennifer?

[Mountaindewed]

I got a new therapist. We called the practice and asked who would be a good fit and they said yeah the one I was thinking of working with would be the best fit for me. So I have an appointment on March 1st. I didn’t realize it would be so easy. I thought most therapists had very long waiting lists.

My mom contacted my current (previous?) T and asked if she’d be willing to meet with me until then. Which would be 2 more times. And my therapist emailed my mom back and said “absolutely I’d be willing to work with him” so that made me feel a lot better that she does care.

Then I went to my primary because the stuff I was feeling last night did not seem like just severe anxiety. So he gave me some anti nausea stuff to take at night, and some mirolax. He gave me info for another gastro doctor. Originally this morning I had called the gastro doctor but he was booked until April 20 something. So I called my primary and he wanted to see me today. He ran some blood work to see how my kidney and pancreas level are doing. He said they were a bit high the last he checked.

I asked him about Covid and how worried I was. Mainly I was worried about the vaccine and the new variants. He said they mostly work except one vaccine. He said people will probably need to get vaccines every year or every year since the virus will most likely revolve or whatever the word is. He made me feel a lot better though. My state has always been doing well in regards to Covid.

He’s a nice doctor.

But yeah so far today has been decent.

[*Beth*]

My sister-friend's daughter is getting married in November. She and her mom were planning a mother-daughter dance at the reception. One of her aunts wants to dance in place of my "Sissy", C. Welll...Sissy's daughter has offered to pay my flight ticket to the wedding and has asked me to step in as her "mom"/aunt for the dance.

I have never been so touched in my life. Never. At the same time, I'm freaking out. How can I be there without my C.? It would feel so awful. And I can't do some things, such as stay up late or awaken early and quickly in the morning. Meds rule my life. I LOVE to fly, so that's no problem. But I feel like I'd be inconveniencing the family so much, as I cannot afford to rent a car or anything like that.

Well, it's 9 months away. I figure we'll give it some time.

[Mountaindewed]

I had a really bad stomach ache and pain and then I took my anti nausea med and half an hour later my anxiety and stomach are both ok. I’m not freaking out or S or having any thoughts of self harm. So I’m wondering if I do have an ulcer or something wrong with my stomach. Or maybe getting a new therapist today is making me feel better. I don’t know.

I have my alarm set for midnight so I can try to get my mom a vaccine. I’ve been trying for an hour and either the website crashes or there’s no appointment. It says it changes by the hour so I wonder when the website crashes that’s when the vaccines come. They do seem to be ramping up the process now and getting a lot more in.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

....

Call me slow, but for the first time today I noticed that the falling leaves in your avatar turn into a tiny heart. That's so cute!

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by BethRags

Call me slow, but for the first time today I noticed that the falling leaves in your avatar turn into a tiny heart. That's so cute!

I never realized that myself. I chose it at the time because I really wanted it to be fall.

[Polibeth]

I'm just sick of winter and the cold and snow. I do so much better in spring and summer.

Actually, I'm doing pretty well this season even though it's not my best.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

How are you feeling today, Jennifer?

Much better thank you.