[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Thanks. I’m sorry you missed your appointment. Missing appointments suck and they freak me out. I had to cancel a therapy appointment a few weeks ago because I was sick and I majorly freaked out. I had a panic attack or something. That’s actually why she put up the email boundary. I was so worried I’d upset her by cancelling. And this was my first appointment in 4 weeks because of IOP.

I’m learning a lot about transference from this site. I never heard about it until a few weeks ago.

I’m not sure what I’ll say in my last appointment with her. I filled out a release so she could talk to my new therapist. I don’t know if that was a smart idea or not. But I’m hoping she’d have talked to my new one by the time we meet next Tuesday and I’ll get some kind of sense what she’s like.

Mountaindewed, if you want you can always change your mind about the release and ask her to tear it up (or however it could be done). Or if you still don't mind her talking to a new therapist, you have 100% rights to ask the new therapist what the old one said. She must tell you. I think even legally she must.

[Soupe du jour]

I had my second therapy session with my new Czech therapist. It went better than I expected. I actually felt a bit better afterwards. Unlike in the US (or at least New Jersey), I can see my Czech therapist face-to-face, albeit of course wearing face masks. That's kind of nice, I'll admit, but of course I understand the need for even more safety, in relevant cases. This time my husband drove me there and waited for me, instead of me taking a taxi. Also, today was sunny and comparatively mild outside. The first time it was very cold and raining. After my session today, Hubby and I went to a pekárna (bread bakery, but they also sell some pastries). That almost felt like a reward, of sorts.

My therapist asked if I am set up with public health insurance yet. I'm not. Hubby has a lot of work left to tackle the bureaucracy relating to it. I probably won't have it for at least a month or two. The therapist apologized that I had to pay 100% to her, and in cash. I considered not saying anything, but then I decided to tell her that 100% to her (500 CZK per visit) is less than I used to have to pay in co-pays to the therapist I went to in the US. And that US therapist took my stupid lousy American insurance. Yes, co-pays. This Czech therapist's 100% equals $23 in the US. My co-pay for my "in-network" US therapist was $30. I used to see my therapist in the US every week. I'll be seeing this new Czech therapist about every other week.

When I do become insured in Czech Republic, my co-pay will be ZERO. Nil. Nada. My co-insurance and deductibles will be ZIP for her or any doctor visit. The only co-pays I'll eventually need to pay are possible small ones for medications and some dental treatments, and the annual cap for that ridiculously low. For medications, the annual cap is about the equivalent of $235 USD per year. For a root canal, the co-pay is 250 CZK ($12 USD). Vision is also included in the public insurance, but they do make you buy your own glasses. Hubby said glasses were included in the past. In any case, Hubby and I will be saving tons of money by not having to pay up the yin yang, as we did in the US. We simply couldn't afford that anymore.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m not feeling the best today. I just feel off physically. I’m very tired and my nose is running and I just don’t have energy. I’ve eaten and I had a Mountain Dew. I just drank a Gatorade. Unless this is the “just a cold” version of Covid I don’t think it’s that. I don’t have a temp. My family feels fine and I am very worried about my physical health. I did not weigh myself this morning or get coffee and that is very strange for me not to do. I just didn’t have the energy to do either. I’m trying to eat better. Although I did order some of those Mars donuts from Krispie Kreme. They are a one day only thing tomorrow.

But yeah today is not the best physically. I didn’t start to really feel it until I got home from the grocery store. I had some anxiety but a Xanax took care of that.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I had my second therapy session with my new Czech therapist. It went better than I expected. I actually felt a bit better afterwards. Unlike in the US (or at least New Jersey), I can see my Czech therapist face-to-face, albeit of course wearing face masks. That's kind of nice, I'll admit, but of course I understand the need for even more safety, in relevant cases. This time my husband drove me there and waited for me, instead of me taking a taxi. Also, today was sunny and comparatively mild outside. The first time it was very cold and raining. After my session today, Hubby and I went to a pekárna (bread bakery, but they also sell some pastries). That almost felt like a reward, of sorts.

My therapist asked if I am set up with public health insurance yet. I'm not. Hubby has a lot of work left to tackle the bureaucracy relating to it. I probably won't have it for at least a month or two. The therapist apologized that I had to pay 100% to her, and in cash. I considered not saying anything, but then I decided to tell her that 100% to her (500 CZK per visit) is less than I used to have to pay in co-pays to the therapist I went to in the US. And that US therapist took my stupid insurance. Yes, co-pays. This Czech therapist's 100% equals $23 in the US. My co-pay for my "in-network" US therapist was $30. I used to see my therapist in the US every week. I'll be seeing this new Czech therapist about every other week. When I do become insured in Czech Republic, my co-pay will be ZERO. Nil.

You are lucky you get to see her face to face. I hope to eventually be able to see my new one in person.

I don’t get insurance at all. With my therapist she was in network so I had a $40 copay. The new therapist is not in network but the copay is still $40. My mom and I are confused but both her and the new office talked to the insurance company. So I don’t know if prices for therapy are just lower where I’m moving or what. But it’s weird.

[Soupe du jour]

I'm so proud of myself (and excited). I signed up for an event through the expat center of the city I'm living in. On February 28, my husband and I will join other expats for a lovely hike through a beautiful forest. The hike will include some special forest exercises that are meant to improve mental wellness. Others will speak English and come from different countries. Even though Hubby is a Czech citizen, he still feels like an expat having lived in the US for over 30 years. He is also a US citizen. The meeting point (trailhead) is very nearby where we live. We might just go there beforehand to scope it out first.

@Soupe du jour: That sounds wonderful! You'll get to meet other expats and develop friendships of your own that will give you a measure of independence from your husband. Way to go!

[Moose72]

Hi all. Just waiting for the bipolar chat to start. I received one of the CDs I ordered. Listening to it now. Its one of the ones that got lost, but I hadn't heard it in ages, so I'm enjoying it. It's also Rene Jacobs like the one I'd been listening to the last few days. Sometime next week, my other CD is supposed to arrive and this one I've never heard so that will be awesome. I hope it's good! (It's also Rene Jacobs!)

N3 came over to help me dig out my car. It got shoveled in when they scraped the parking lots. But I didn't want to park there again, after we went out to get my registration and sticker from the grocery store kiosk and I took him home, so I parked in another lot in the complex that didn't have snow in the spaces around it. Then again, it's supposed to snow 2 or 3 inches tomorrow. *Sigh* I'm so sick of snow! There are huge mounds of it where trucks shoveled it off the streets. I even trudged through it yesterday. I decided to order a Starbucks to go and walk there since it's only a 2 minute drive so I figured the walk would do me good. Um no! Not all the sidewalks were shoveled so I had to traipse through snow up to my mid-calf! Kevin came and got me from SB because I didn't want to walk back through it and besides, it wasn't an enjoyable cup of coffee. I ended up drinking it standing outside Starbucks since they aren't open for dining in and it was cold and my coffee got cold quickly. All in all, a bad plan to go to SB.

At least this CD is what I thought it was. It didn't say much about it on Amazon. The one I'm still waiting on is called "Recital" so I assume it's a live performance of some sort and the photo on the front is of a young Jacobs so I assume it's him singing not conducting. He's conducted so many albums that when I look him up on Amazon or elsewhere, I get a lot of albums with his name on them, but its hard to tell if he's the conductor or a singer. I am not that interested in his conducting, but maybe one day I'll look that up.

Happy to report that our power came back on!! Also, Internet and phone lines are back up at work, so we can do useful things again. There is still quite a bit of slush, but there is also dry (well, wet, lol) pavement in many places, which makes walking a WHOLE lot easier. I hope Internet is back up at my place. We had only gotten it turned on a week ago as it was. I just picked up a few refrigerated and frozen items to start replacing all that was lost. Thanks for the hugs and stuff, guys. Oooh, here comes the bus (which is also back running again).

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Happy to report that our power came back on!! Also, Internet and phone lines are back up at work, so we can do useful things again. There is still quite a bit of slush, but there is also dry (well, wet, lol) pavement in many places, which makes walking a WHOLE lot easier. I hope Internet is back up at my place. We had only gotten it turned on a week ago as it was. I just picked up a few refrigerated and frozen items to start replacing all that was lost. Thanks for the hugs and stuff, guys. Oooh, here comes the bus (which is also back running again).

@Innerzone That is such great news to hear!

[bpcyclist]

After some serious scolding as well as some love, I am here to apologize for my last post. That said, if you have never danced with the monster yourself a few times, it is hard to understand or imagine the cataclysmic lack of options that descends.

But somehow, I made it. I asked for help. I am here. That is about as far as I can get myself right now. It is a recurrent problem. My loving pdoc was very informative. He termed it an episode of acute and catastrophic demoralization. I think that is probably pretty accurate.

Gonna keep trying. I love you guys so much. So sorry for triggering and scaring people. But if you have been there, you know. When it is real, it is really, super freaking real.

Still cruising along with my benzo taper. I got out to enjoy the sunshine today. I rode our train and went to the mall. It was Scrabble club tonight and my first game went so badly i rage quit. It was juvenile.

@bpcyclist: So glad to hear from you sounding so sensible and reasonable. I agree, suicidality is a monster to wrestle. You didn't trigger me so no worries there. I am just glad to have you back and sounding more like yourself.

[VerMOZZica]

I`m struggling at the moment. It`s with the depression and irritability. I haven`t been on my Rexulti for a while now and I don`t think I`d go back on it now because If I went back on it and was denied it again the withdrawal effects were very unpleasant and I don`t wish to go through that again. The last time I talked to my pdoc he prescribed a new med for my depression but I had to stop taking it due to the side effects. I think my doc may be running out of ideas because it seems like I`ve tried everything under the sun and it hasn`t made much difference. I`ve also tried therapy and I really don`t think that helped. I just feel so frustrated and I have no motivation and I feel like this illness is a never ending cycle. I know bipolar disorder is a life long thing and as a therapist once told me I`d have to be on meds for life and that really depressed me. I just feel so tired.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by VerMOZZica

I`m struggling at the moment. It`s with the depression and irritability. I haven`t been on my Rexulti for a while now and I don`t think I`d go back on it now because If I went back on it and was denied it again the withdrawal effects were very unpleasant and I don`t wish to go through that again. The last time I talked to my pdoc he prescribed a new med for my depression but I had to stop taking it due to the side effects. I think my doc may be running out of ideas because it seems like I`ve tried everything under the sun and it hasn`t made much difference. I`ve also tried therapy and I really don`t think that helped. I just feel so frustrated and I have no motivation and I feel like this illness is a never ending cycle. I know bipolar disorder is a life long thing and as a therapist once told me I`d have to be on meds for life and that really depressed me. I just feel so tired.

[Moose72]

I am home laying on the couch. I feel like I didnt sleep enough. Kinda heavy and melting into the couch. There's a show on PBS about horses that I'm staring at. I went out to the grocery store and got coffee creamer and coffee and a few other things. I didn't get my first cup of coffee until around noon. I had to be at the grocery store all half asleep yet full of energy. I even ran the cart back to my car.

I think I'll get a second cup of coffee.

This horse show is interesting.

[Mountaindewed]

I’m still sick with something. Cold like symptoms and today I am very drowsy and very lightheaded. I’ve had a Coke with coffee, 4 mugs of black tea, and a Dr. Pepper and I still just feel so worn out and exhausted. I slept very good last night and I took my AP around 2 I think and fell back asleep for a few hours. I really want to read but I just can’t. I’m too tired. My mom is going to the pharmacy to get me some otc stuff I can take. Hopefully it helps.

[Soupe du jour]

Hubby and I must have done at least eight hours of hard physical labor moving, unpacking and, piling giant boxes. Slowly but surely we are finding things. Thank goodness today we finally found this wooden pieces to a bookcase. We thought we never would! Now we can at least get some of Hubby's dozens of boxes of books unloaded and those boxes out of the way. I am hoping that by Monday the house will look much closer to "in place" and easier to live in.

We don't get our bedroom suite for another almost eight weeks, but I am thinking about moving down to the futon sofa as soon as the living room is in proper order. I don't even care about not sleeping with Hubby for a while. He's been in the "easy to get out of bed" position the whole time, while I've been trapped against the wall. Plus, I'd like to be downstairs already. And get a little more "alone time". Sometimes I ask him if he's a little sick of me (hoping he is), and he always says no. Then I feel a little guilty since I'm a little sick of him. Don't get me wrong, I adore him, but he's been home most (or all) of the day with me since March. Um, that's almost a full year!

[lightly toasted]

I can relate, Soupe du Jour - we just had a long weekend, and though I do love my husband very much, I felt like I was coming up for air on Tuesday morning. I couldn't imagine my mental state having to spend as much time with him as you have with your husband.

I have dandruff.

There are many other more important things going on with me, some good, some bad, but that's the easiest thing to talk about. So I'll wade into this thread with that. Happily open to any cheap and effective anti-dandruff shampoo recommendations.

[*Beth*]

I need to be on less medication.

I need my car to function.

I need to take a walk.

I need to see my therapist in person so we can stop being frustrated over telehealth that fails 1 out of 8 times

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I need to be on less medication.

I need my car to function.

I need to take a walk.

I need to see my therapist in person so we can stop being frustrated over telehealth that fails 1 out of 8 times

I walked a bit today at the grocery store and to my car. My car is dying. It doesn't always function, either. I don't know when I'll see my pdoc again. I don't even HAVE a T- The last time I saw her, she just said we were through because I didn't have anything really to talk about, even THOUGH ONE of the last appointments I had with her I "ugly cried" through the whole thing about my dad being an alcoholic. All she did was give me photocopies of lists of AA meetings. UGH! That SO did not help. I need to talk with other people with alcoholic parents, not other alcoholics.

[Sunflower123]

My therapist, who I had an appointment with this week, continues to make missteps and inappropriate statements. I’m starting to feel apprehensive going into a session and depressed and sad when I come out. She is the only therapist I could find in town. Maybe I should take a break for awhile. That would be a good compromise until I calm down. Then I could decide what to do with greater clarity.

Hugs to all.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I need to be on less medication.

I need my car to function.

I need to take a walk.

I need to see my therapist in person so we can stop being frustrated over telehealth that fails 1 out of 8 times

Thinking of you. Sending hugs and supportive vibes. My car is not functioning right now either. I drive it so little that the battery keeps dying.

I had a phone appointment with my doctor about my benzo taper. He just wanted to check-in. He was glad to hear it's going so well. He said the Valium is longer-acting than the Clonazepam which might be why it's been even harder to wake up. Lower in the taper it will improve. He offered to make another appointment but i just said i'd call if i ran into trouble.

I realized it was reasonable to be angry over Scrabble yesterday. Since we've gone online the organization has been slipshod and unfair. A player said he would make a spreadsheet to improve things. I won't go back until it's done.

It was another quiet day but i didn't mind.

Have been up early, crying. My BDD got triggered last night (beyond the every minute of every day level) and it just keeps echoing in my mind. I don't need to be verbally reminded of the thing that causes me more pain than everything else combined. But insecurity is a real turn off, so I can't even talk about it. I "shouldn't" feel this way. Yeah, right. I feel so alone. And utterly hopeless because there's nothing I can do about it.

BDD is the WORST. And all the more because it's so misunderstood. And dismissed. I hate it and I hate myself.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Have been up early, crying. My BDD got triggered last night (beyond the every minute of every day level) and it just keeps echoing in my mind. I don't need to be verbally reminded of the thing that causes me more pain than everything else combined. But insecurity is a real turn off, so I can't even talk about it. I "shouldn't" feel this way. Yeah, right. I feel so alone. And utterly hopeless because there's nothing I can do about it.

BDD is the WORST. And all the more because it's so misunderstood. And dismissed. I hate it and I hate myself.

I'm so sorry, Innerzone

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I walked a bit today at the grocery store and to my car. My car is dying. It doesn't always function, either. I don't know when I'll see my pdoc again. I don't even HAVE a T- The last time I saw her, she just said we were through because I didn't have anything really to talk about, even THOUGH ONE of the last appointments I had with her I "ugly cried" through the whole thing about my dad being an alcoholic. All she did was give me photocopies of lists of AA meetings. UGH! That SO did not help. I need to talk with other people with alcoholic parents, not other alcoholics.

What kind of therapist is that!!!! Horrible!