Bipolar check-in #56

Oh I am picturing you eating footballs lol

Glad you had a nice meal and day

Jennifer thanks for being so kind while dealing with such overwhelming stress in your life :thob:

Gaby I'm so sorry that you have so much going on

Well I think Asthma wise I am going to be okay and not need Steroids which is a huge relief.

My shoulder is just awful its going down to my fingers so I'm not able to type much at all which for you guys is great you wont have to see me rambing

Hugs to anyone in need

Recovering from an operation is really tough. I'm sorry you couldn't sleep well. Mine was an eye surgery so I could move but couldn't see properly for a month. There was pain whenever I woke up, and there was nothing to do but to listen to podcasts. Painkillers helped somehow, but not completely. I hope you feel better soon.

Since I've been complaining about my lack of sleep for quite some time, I'll just quickly report that I had 6 hours last night! Some of the physical & emotional symptoms I was experiencing have already lifted a bit. Hopefully the worst of it is over.

I talked to a friend in recovery and took some melatonin last night. That helped. I’m waiting for a call back from my psychiatrist.

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I was exhausted yesterday afternoon physically and mentally. I fell asleep from 3PM to 7 or so. Then I tried eating dinner but I couldn’t so I went back to sleep until 11. I took a melatonin and some Tylenol. I fell back asleep around 2:30 and I woke up at 7. I watched a bit of The Today Show and I felt good enough to take a sponge bath and to change into other clothes. I put jeans on and a huge t shirt so I felt more human after getting out of the shorts that I had been wearing for a few days. And I don’t feel quite as gross and dirty. But then by 11 I was once again completely worn out physically and my mom isn’t home and getting around myself is tough. I am starting to worry a bit about my mental health now. I haven’t had caffeine in a few days so I’m wondering if I’m having caffeine withdrawals. So I asked my mom to pick me up a coffee to see if the caffeine will help. I often feel better after coffee. I called my surgeon to see when I could do my telehealth appointment and the receptionist said he’ll call when he gets a chance and she’ll try to give us a time. I wanted to make it to my therapy appointment on Wednesday but I don’t want to be looking like this. So I may either cancel or ask to do a telehealth therapy session.

But basically today I’m just really struggling physically and mentally.

Edit: I was able to take a Tylenol half an hour ago and my mom came home and brought me the iced coffee and then gave me 2 ice packs. So I’m feeling better after all that.

Hi all!
Didnt check in over the weekend - I seem to be battling a bit of a cold and my sleep has been so off. I've been exhausted, yet cant sleep at night but then took a 5 hour nap on Saturday, which only further messed up my sleep schedule...
I dont seem to want to eat food - I try to think of something I want to eat and then cant so I just dont eat.
Been super restless too.

I dont know if in a mixed state, or a bit of hypomania.

Need to work with my therapist on not being afraid to ask for medicine, if it becomes necessary. The benadryl doesnt seem to work for my sleep anymore... I need something so that I can sleep...

But, I managed to get up and go to work... ate half a bagel... and I'm hoping that I can sleep tonight.

I hope that those of us on the East Coast are staying cool...

I hope everyone has a good week

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina Well I think Asthma wise I am going to be okay and not need Steroids which is a huge relief. My shoulder is just awful its going down to my fingers so I'm not able to type much at all which for you guys is great you wont have to see me rambing Hugs to anyone in need

You don't ramble, at all. I love having you around here

When my mother unexpectedly died at the young age of 61, it was as if her mother decided to give my siblings and me the finger. When that grandmother died, everything was given to my uncle with the will saying that if the uncle also died before her, that all would go to his wife. Or if she also died before her, to their adopted son. My siblings and I got nothing. But of course that grandmother was a B, and always was one. The type of grandmother that beat us for very little reason and told us that she wished other kids were her grandchildren and not us, the latter to which I told her I wished that was also so. However, after she died, my maternal uncle gave nothing at all to my siblings and me. Not even photographs of my mother that didn't include him. However, every so often he scans one or two and sends them to my sister as if that's some kind of major offering we should be kissing his A for. Keep in mind that my siblings and I never did or said even one nasty thing to that grandmother or him. She just showed contempt for my mother and us for a total unknown reason, even calling my mother "a pig" seven days before my mother died. Classic abusive woman, she was!

Anyway, I had to get that off my chest. And speaking of chests, I told my sister (for the second time) that she should go to my mother's chest that remains in my father's house and retrieve some treasures of hers from a secret compartment that only I know about. My mother showed it to me in confidence, and they were my mother's things.. My sister never took my suggestion to retrieve the stuff, and I fear that someday after my father passes the chest will be sold or given away without the retrieval.Obviously if my sister never gets the stuff, I will if the chest still exists the next time I go to the US. My father no longer lives in his home, and never will. Situations like we're in are ones where stuff disappears. Forever.

Quote:

Originally Posted by buddha1too Since I've been complaining about my lack of sleep for quite some time, I'll just quickly report that I had 6 hours last night! Some of the physical & emotional symptoms I was experiencing have already lifted a bit. Hopefully the worst of it is over.

That is WONDERFUL! May the sleep fairy visit you again tonight.

I feel bad. I must've said something wrong to N2 and my fwb. Neither are replying to me.

Hoo boy it’s hot today cause the humidity is higher. The AC is working harder.

My sister came over today and took a bunch of stuff my mother wants to get. Rid of to Salvation Army. We talked and when I get my new molds for my ears were going to go look at townhomes. Next year mum and I will move into one of those. This house is too much for the two of us. Her because of age and me because of my back. It’s a huge ranch and about 50 years old. In the past 5 years the heater, the water softener and something else I forget what has been replaced. The water spouts now have coverings on them so we don’t need to worry about that, but the lawn are folks don’t do more than mow and trim. The weeds in the rocks need to be picked and the flowers get planted by us and all the bushes and flowers are watered by us. So we decided a townhome co-op would be better. All the outside and mantance is done by others. Still you get a garage to drive into and have laundry hook ups. No stairs.

That sounds wonderful! We live in an older 4 bedroom and it seems like there is constantly something to deal with. Your option sounds like a dream! I’m happy for you.

I currently don’t have any pain. I’m not wrapped up in blankets and pillows and I don’t have any ice packs. Maybe it was only a few days thing.

I went to the pool to float. Before I left, I set mother and brother up, had sister in the loop for emergencies, and silenced my phone. The water was so cold it hurt at first but I floated! After I pondered life for awhile, I went by Home Depot for some begonias and then ordered an entree to go from a Greek restaurant. I set my camp chair up in the secluded spot by the creek and enjoyed my food and then read on my Kindle. It was just what I needed. Only then did I return home to handle challenges, calls and other business. I was still able to address quite a bit of stuff in a more relaxed manner.

Although I can’t do that every day, it’s certainly a good start. We have doctor’s appointments Wednesday, Thursday and Friday so I think I’ll take advantage of tomorrow to go back to the pool and to see the new Angelina Jolie movie. Hallelujah!

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening. Hugs to all

Well I’m going back on lamictal. Life got too overwhelming. It’s been over a year since I’ve been on medication.

Oh that sounds Devine what an excellent why to take care of yourself!

Today was another up and down. I’m feeling very depressed but it’s almost not really depression. It actual psychological pain. I can’t really describe it but in depression I always feel dead inside. I’m just not dead anymore, and the consequence of that is the pain is raw and unfiltered. I’ve never felt pain of this depth before but then again I’ve always been taught to completely repress all emotions. I think that’s the problem, if you can call it that. One person in my group put it like this: she said she’d been repressing all her emotions and stuffing them in a box and her box finally broke. That’s what’s happened to me. My box has imploded. But I don’t want to build a new box to shove them in. I want to build a box of skills to handle them as they come up.

It seems right now the only thing that calms me down when the pain is overwhelming is exercise. As I move through the program I will find more healthy ways but honestly exercise is not a bad skill to use. I was feeling just terrible today after I picked up my son but it’s way too hot for a walk so I did a YouTube work out instead (which, by the way, kicked my ***). I can’t get over to the gym until Thursday because my son has two more half days due to extreme heat so youtube it is when I get overwhelmed.

Only problem with that is it turns out I’m not very coordinated and can’t follow the moves on the screen very well

My anxiety has been really bad. My mood has been a bit elevated, but I can't get rid of this pit in my stomach, chest tightness, and GI problems throughout the day. My mind is racing. I took one klonopin, and it only helped a little bit. I hope it's not going to be like this for the rest of the week, because I have to work. I took a mental health day off on Thursday, because I was up all night, had paranoid thoughts and had a headache when I woke up.. My mood seems to be fluctuating a lot lately. The paranoid thoughts went away over the span of the past couple of days, and then I seemed fine, but I am being slammed with this anxiety and hyper feeling now.

My thoughts feel like a freakin NASCAR bumper car mosh pit right now. It's so HARD. These urges and trying to maintain control and wondering why I can't run in my neighbor's sprinklers naked again. There are too many electrons in my orbitals. Yet just hours ago I was laying in bed thinking about s. I bit myself today out of aggravation and now there's a nice mark on my arm and my hand. But somehow this feels normal, like back to the way things were and the way they should be. I'm writing a boatload of poems to compensate. I'm sure they're all s**t bbut there's gotta be some salvageable stuff in there. Call back day tomorrow, hoping for a same day appointment but trying not to get my hopes up at the same time. I still don't know what words to spit through the phone into her ear though. I'll have either too many or not enough words, and any words will be the wrong ones. That's how I always feel at therapy and med provider appointments.

Went to Christine's house. We watched million dollar homes and waxed our legs.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this but I went to the salvation army and got 5 pair of shorts, 3 shirts, and 2 bathing suits. One suit doesn't have straps to go over your shoulders or you neck and I don't know if I could improvise. And one of the pairs of shorts don't fit. But everything else fit which I'm surprised because the changing rooms were all closed. No idea why. I called and they said I could bring those two items back for store credit within 3 days with a receipt.

Fell way behind here.... many hugs.

Today, work was brutal. The boss (hereafter referred to as B) was really being a jerk to me. Even the coworker who isn't always exactly nice to me exclaimed how brutal it was (after B left). She said she wanted to say something, but didn't want to make it worse. I thought the same. I am so appreciative of her support over this, that I am letting go of all her not nice times towards me.

I cried when I was there alone around lunchtime. I know it's not me, but D**** it's hard not to take personally when you keep getting singled out for abuse. But today, wow. Basically, I had persevered through a difficult project, and I was (just to myself) quite proud of myself for it. B lit into small imperfections, tearing into it to re-do my work, while making like I was crazy and incompetent for some issues I had to work around. It became pretty clear that B was running into these "imaginary" things in (needlessly) re-doing the project (which B was clearly furious about). And it turned out notably worse. Really glaring stuff. But relent? Apologize? No. More like snarking at me for not mind reading. Choosing the "wrong" priority at any given minute (as in being set up for whatever choice I made being the "wrong" one). Etc. and so on. And on. Talk about walking on eggshells. It was absolutely awful. It just went on and on.

BF can't believe I don't speak up for myself. But I'm not sure it's worth it. More to the point, that it would change anything. It seems to be my role there to be to blame for everything.

I'd be interested if anyone has thoughts on it though.

I don’t have many thoughts beyond your boss is a real jerk (I initially used another word that starts with an a) and has singled you out to be the whipping boy or woman in this case. He’s way out of line. I am so sorry. I don’t have any words of wisdom but I want to show my support. Is there any possibility of sitting down with him to discuss it? Sending many hugs and supportive and healing vibes.

Maybe I am as ****ed up as my family thinks.