Bipolar check-in #56

@Kelly88, welcome to the Bipolar forum! I hope your youngest accepts help soon. Is it that they are refusing? Or are they having trouble finding the help?


I'm hoping you'll get a more restful night's sleep tonight.

I had to finally stop the outside work. My back is hurting and I'm so darned tired. Hubby and I were sweeping and power washing, getting rid of cobwebs outdoors, completing the work with the flowers (i.e. mulching), moving stuff, and more. I had already done some housework before that, as well as meal preparation. It's now 4:35 pm and I know I need to make a chicken for dinner. I'm thinking of roasting it spatchcock. I wish we had some potatoes, but we don't. All that I had were too far gone with sprouts.

It still blows my mind that you up and moved continents and I still enjoy reading your messages about your new life. It sounds like you got a lot done outside. That’s great! I hope your back clears up soon.

Thanks, Jennifer!

You know, in my 20s and early 30s, moving abroad would have seemed no biggie. The reason was because I lived and traveled abroad for brief times. Even all by myself. I was fearless back then. But then from my mid-30s up until just barely a year ago, such a move would have been seemingly impossible. I've made huge progress since then, with both managing my illness and regaining confidence. Of course my recent big move was not alone. I would not have managed without my husband. Nor would I have even attempted it without him. And yet, I played a leading (or equal) part in the tasks to prepare for our house sale and move. I felt empowered. I still do, to a large degree. That doesn't mean I'm managing perfectly, though. There are still challenges I'm avoiding. But who can be perfect? Who can do everything all at once? Being OK that I can't is, to me, great progress in and of itself. After what I went through those terrible years, nothing ahead seems insurmountable.

I barely slept last night. I got about an hour of sleep and I don’t even know what time I fell asleep but I woke up when Jimmy Fallon was on. Then I stayed awake until 3:30. And then I fell back asleep for 45 minutes around 8:30. But I couldn’t make it to breakfast with my aunt. I really wanted to try this places chocolate banana pancakes. I also couldn’t make it to the baby shower I stayed in the car. The pain was just too much standing up and moving around a lot. Sitting down I was ok so the car ride home wasn’t bad. But I am home now in my own bed and I am just completely wiped out physically. Nothing mental health wise today although last night was a bit stressful. I took one narcotic this morning and I just now took 2 extra strength Tylenol. So I’m managing the pain fine. But I have this giant binder/bandage on and it’s making me look huge with a t shirt on. I can’t take it off until I see the doctor in a few days. It’s also covered in blood and I hope it doesn’t attract my cats. I’m not sure cats are like that though.

Edit: despite my pain I’m feeling a lot better. I finally was able to get my meds correctly. I was only able to take a propanol yesterday morning and then at night I realized I forgot my Geodon 80 for today. So I took an 80 last night and a 20 this morning. I also went way down on my Xanax yesterday and I only took one yesterday at 11PM so that was about 24 hours without any. I was worried about mixing them with opiates. The nurse said it would relax me though. But now that I am confident I can get by with Tylenol from now on, I was able to take all my regular stuff tonight.

I also ordered groceries for tomorrow morning at 11. I don’t want to go out since I feel like I look like Quasimodo and I can’t shower, but I don’t want my mom to have to go out either for me and look for a bunch of stuff that will take forever to find. Pickup is still free at Walmart.

Sleep didn't help. I feel like I'm being watched. so much for my calm.

I'm trying to get myself organized for my APRN phone call. I think I'm going to leave out the mumbling because that was only for a couple days and didn't bother me too much. I have to figure out how to explain the **** show that is my mood. I don't know if it's depression. Sometimes it feels like hypomania. My sleep's weird too, too much and not enough at the same time. I'll figure it out, but I want her to do something. Get me in a PHP or make some med changes, I don't care, just want her to please DO SOMETHING.

Thanks @Soupe du jour
it's kind of that he's too depressed to get the help, but he did start with a psychiatrist early this year, I'm encouraging him to call him back and continue the process of getting him a diagnosis. I hope you get a restful sleep tonight too. Last night I did finally sleep a bit.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sapien I'm trying to get myself organized for my APRN phone call. I think I'm going to leave out the mumbling because that was only for a couple days and didn't bother me too much. I have to figure out how to explain the **** show that is my mood. I don't know if it's depression. Sometimes it feels like hypomania. My sleep's weird too, too much and not enough at the same time. I'll figure it out, but I want her to do something. Get me in a PHP or make some med changes, I don't care, just want her to please DO SOMETHING.

That sounds painful. I hope the appointment is productive, Sapien. Let us know.

My mood is still going back and forth. Today I’m not angry just so regretful. It’s been 20 years since I first started self harming and my first hospitalization. Twenty years of complete nonsense. I’m tired of it. I’m gonna make it change. I can’t take it anymore. I’ll never be able to get rid of bipolar but I’m going to work through the ptsd and stop the self harm for good. It’s nonsense. Twenty years is long enough.

My mind is jumping from thought to thought but keeps zoning in on the same ones. I’m just so so tired of my whole life. My life now is fantastic on the surface and I love my family and my job so that’s a plus. I just need to keep pushing, learning new skills and talking about what’s bothering me. I’m not going to just lay down anymore.

I’m going to go to the gym on Monday to rejoin. I would have gone yesterday but my program therapist said she was going to call “later” so I didn’t want to go out. She didn’t call until 3:45 so I could have gone out. Wish she had given me a window.

I have a migraine but thanks to lithium I can’t take anything for it except Tylenol, which doesn’t even make a dent. I have imitrex and technically I’m not supposed to take that either but it’s only a moderate interaction so screw it. It’s not like I’m going to take it every day. Hopefully.

My appetite is totally ruined right now. I’m hungry but when I think about eating I just can’t find something to eat that I can stomach. I’ve been through this before, basically I have to stock my kitchen/pantry with inoffensive, basic foods. Fruit, yogurt, cereal bars, actual cereal. Stuff like that. For dinner I force fed myself plain noodles with butter. I think I’m going to have to get some protein shakes too because basically any form of protein except Greek yogurt turns my stomach.

My staycation is not off to an auspicious start. I was making coffee and my brother was using the microwave across the kitchen. His fruity alcohol smelling breath almost knocked me over. For a diabetic who is recovering from acute kidney failure that’s bad news and needs medical attention. We traipsed back to the ER and mom and I waited there for 6 hours until she got sick so she and I came home and my sister stepped in. I’m taking care of mom now. She’s still confused as to why we were there. That’s not good either. My brother and sister are still at the ER. Bless everyone’s heart that is involved. May things calm down and improve.

I’d like to say ok now enough is enough. I’d like a break now but really what am I going to do? They need me. I am going to look into part time caregivers for hire and someone to help with the house ASAP as some of you have kindly tried to nudge me toward. Thank you.

I hope everyone is having a peaceful weekend. Hugs to all!

My back and butt are so sore this morning from yesterday's physical work. I think I even got a little too much sun. And yet I have even more plans for chores outside. We'll see.

I'm having a good time enjoying Spring. My neighbors and i sat out for three (3) hours the day before yesterday in the dog-park the weather was so lovely.

We talked and laughed and i found out my one retired male neighbor who i thought was dull is actually an amateur artist (sculpting and print-making at the moment).

He has a piece on our cool city hall property and a commission for another. He's now in retirement from a career in international surveillance with the Department of Defense!

So, wow, now i'm REALLY impressed. He's got a nice gentle measured manner and is very gracious and thoughtful. I look forward to getting to know him better. He's nice-looking too and the right age and lives right here in the building.

Possibilities!!!

He's got a disability too, diabetes, which was out of control for a while but he's making a strong recovery, walking for an hour or more each day. He'd be a good influence on me.

I'm interested in caricature and he's wanting to learn how to create comics, so we're at similar places in our lives, both retired and looking for our next pet project and working on our physical health.

We'll call him NM for "Next Man."

I'm also exploring a same-sex relationship. I think lesbianism is beautiful. I just think the power-dynamics would be easier to manage in a same-sex relationship. I've been texting with a woman over the Facebook dating app for about a week now.

Only thing is she seems very busy working and already has adult children and grandkids. I'd be pretty low on her list of priorities. NM has all the time in the world.

He attended my amuse-bouche and stayed and seems happy to while away the hours with us in the dog-park even tho he does not have a dog. I really think there are possibilities with NM. I like his gentle manner.

@Kelly68 and all:

Welcome aboard! Jump in, the water is warm!

@Jennifer 1967 and all:

Glad to hear you have finally decided to get yourself some help with the care of your mom and brother and the house! You certainly deserve it! Here's to a more comfortable lifestyle going forward with more time to enjoy yourself. You've worked your tail off being the care-giver and it's time you get some time for yourself. Glad to hear it!!!

Have a beautiful day everyone!

Jane.

Today will be hot again (though not scorching), but the coming few days will be lovely, which means I can keep my windows open rather than run the a/c. So nice, as my apartment has large windows. And the a/c is noisy.


What's left of my husband's family is having their yearly reunion on Saturday and thank heavens, the weather is predicted to be in the 80's, so I can wear something nice instead of any scrap of clothing just to keep from roasting. I have to bring a dish to share, but all I can think of is pasta salad. Someone always brings fruit salad. I wish I could be more creative...anyone have ideas? Something fairly simple.

Hi everyone. Haven't checked in in some time.

My back pain has gotten so much worse that I feel effectively disabled and this depresses me to no end (not clinical depression, or not yet, just upsets me an enormous amount). I'm still working, but because of all the standing I have to do, it enormously exacerbates the pain. On Friday I had to desperately get someone to relieve me, luckily she came before I officially broke down in tears because of the pain.

I. can't. not. work. I have to for financial reasons, of course, but it is also my passion, and to think that it is hurting me so much is more than I can bear.

I'm doing PT, but I've had neurological issues in conjunction with the pain, and it's all so bad that they've only given me one simple exercise to do, because they don't want to mess with me until I get the MRI, which is Tuesday morning.

Then I'll see if surgery could possibly resolve this, or at least after having seen a spine surgeon after the MRI, depending on the results. I want to be 'fixed', I want this all to go away, but I'm also terrified of surgery, especially the anesthesia; anesthesia is frankly very risky.

I also fear surgery, or the aftermath, affecting my mood. Would it, or the recovery period, trigger an episode? Most likely depression? Or something else? Will it trigger the other pain condition I have which is what happened when I had emergency cervical spine surgery?

I'm so scared... And so miserable. I just can't be disabled. I've got to take care of this, but am so terrified about how this might need to be fixed. And surgery doesn't even always resolve this; you can end up with continued chronic pain, just at a lower level, or continued sequela from the surgery itself.

Thanks for listening...

Gaby, I understand how disabling back pain is, may you find a solution.

I barely slept again. This has been going on multiple nights in a row. I’m in a lot of pain and discomfort. I took a narcotic this morning at 6:30. Then I took an Advil 15 minutes ago. I’m not sure I’m handling my pain well with my meds. I’m not taking too much I think I’m not taking enough. But I’m not taking them correctly to take enough. I’ve been in bed all day. I am bundled up with a lot of blankets and ice packs watching stuff on Hulu. Standing up sucks. I don’t get how a half hour surgery feels worse than a 2 hour long one. My mom went to get my Walmart order. She also picked up chipotles and I ate some but not a lot because my stomach is kind of off.

It just sucks right now. I can’t tell if I’m having any post op depression yet though. Right now I’m just worn out both mentally and physically.

I got my first bit of sunburn in 2021. So did Hubby. We now know we'd better start putting on sunscreen before such long projects outside. Yesterday my back and butt hurt. Now my leg hurts. I'm really tired and it's not quite 8 pm.

Gosh! I barely remember what I did today, but I know I was busy all day. I spent a good while dusting off cobwebs from outside areas, and washing off fences. We picked weeds again (there's enough for a lifetime) and gathered them all up, after Hubby mowed them down with the weed-wacker. We did a lot of watering. I also did a number of things inside the house. Not sure what tomorrow's projects will be.

I woke up to the sunrise this morning a little before 6. Dummy me went back to sleep and didn't wake up again until 1! Not only is this upsetting in general, but it meant that the apartment heated up to 91 freaking degrees! I turned the a/c on and left. No way was I staying in that temperature to poach myself! So now I'm at my mom's with an ice coffee and feelin fine. Her place is so nice- it's almost TOO cold! Tomorrow I am going to the Salvation Army with Christine to look for a swim suit and summer clothes in general. I only have one pair of shorts right now which I'm wearing today.

Yesterday was the big neighborhood garage sale. I got a $5 boom box! Haha! I got it so I can play my tapes but it also has a radio. I had that playing yesterday. N3 got a violin with the strings and bridge not on it. He got the strings back on but that violin needs some work. Not like he knows how to play it!

It's just as sunny and hot today as it was yesterday. I was with N3 for six or so hours yesterday. We even went out to eat. We had a great time though there wasn't much at the garage sales but atmosphere. And I'm on a facebook page for the neighborhood and a few people said they got counterfeit money! One even lost $200 for a gaming console! Rotten people out there.

Lack of sleep is still an issue for me, although I was able to get 4 hours last night. I went to a 24 hour diner & had breakfast at 4:30 -- not good news for my weight loss efforts. No signs of euphoria, or other signs of an episode. I'm just starting to feel really run down. I'm not overly irritable; just off a bit. It's difficult to explain...

I expect more of the same (if not worse) tonight. Oh, well. It's that time of year.

I’m sorry you are having this issue. It can really do a number on you. My pdoc put me on a medication one time that left me getting 2-4 hours of sleep at night. I would wake up the next morning and find really bizarre things that I’d written in my appointment book. It was surreal. I hope you get adequate rest soon.

Yeah so I’m definitely having an episode. I’ve been off medication for awhile and I’m having family, relationship and job stress and it’s triggering a relapse .

I’ve noticed that as I get older the lack of sleep stresses my body and I hurt. Whereas when I was younger going without sleep invigorated me. I had more energy and could go a long time without sleep. Now tho!

we had friends over for dinner, Jeff cooked.
He made these delicious avocado cheddar
cheese inside the wrapped around hamburger
then bacon wrapped around that they were
as big as a small foot ball. He put them on the
grill for an hour and roasted some turnips we
had a poppy seed kale salad that was a kit.
and then some bing cherries. It was a good meal.
I drank a bit before they got here and had 2
gin and tonics and have major heart burn.
I don't think I can drink these sour beers,

I think that is why I got heart burn but also
ate a lot!So that can be a contributor.
bizi
heading to the bath room for pepcid and tums and mylanta.

Oh Jennifer I am so sorry that everything is hitting from all sides Yes look into getting some help. Often insurance will help pay for care even if a family member is doing most. I dont know your brothers situation with insurance. When I did home health care I was often there so that main care giver(s) could get a much needed break. Yes you need help and sooner rather than later..

Take care of you during all this