Bipolar check-in #56

it is official. I am getting a baby box this time next friday!. super excited about it, in fact it's been a while since I've been excited about anything so much.

I got a new chair today which hopefully is going to help with my back. it has more support, and this one does have arms so we'll see.... sounds promising..

rained all night yesterday, but it's what we needed to cool the humid air. think we might get some more rain today, still looks really cloudy

I'm glad you're excited about your baby box, but what are you referring to? The only baby box I know of are the ones where mother's take their babies to abandon them, safely. Usually at a hospital.

Not too much has been going on for me. My mood has been slightly on the irritable end, but nothing too concerning. Still frustrated by long delays and unresponsiveness in regards to important things we need done by the government. We did eventually receive the document from my sister.

Hubby and I are planning a nice weekend trip to central Bohemia. We're going to pick up a garden sculpture we ordered. I'll be happy to get out of the house. Time seems to pass too quickly, nowadays.

Off to get my 2nd covid shot in a bit. I don't know if I'm going by myself or if my mom's taking me. I got my keys back and I've gone out since then, but if I don't have to be alone I don't want to be. The only sleep I've gotten in ~2 months is drugged sleep and it's really starting to get to me. Hard to think, nearly impossible to speak, memory is shot, etc. Today's my rest day from running so I'll do some yoga but that won't take nearly as much out of me, it's calming but only for a bit I get hyped up so easily, so I doubt I'll sleep at all tonight.

Btw, anyone know what to say when you're calling a place to be evaluated to see if you have ADHD, like what do you ask? I'm used to showing up to a doctor's and being like "ow, my side," and them saying "kidney stone" not me showing up saying "evaluate me for kidney stones" that idea's just weird to me.

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I’m just really disturbed by the level of unprofessionalism in the mental health field. These are people with PHD’s and they act like this. I told my mom this morning that my old T had done some gaslighting regarding the email thing. And I never say anyone gaslights me. Then my new therapist told me the old one didn’t mention anything about her part in the email fiasco but basically blamed it all on me. What kind of therapist does that? The email thing was started by her and ended up the way it did because of her. When I told the new T all this she said sarcastically “I wish she had told me that” Then the new one is such a mess too I feel physically and mentally gross by her disturbing behavior today. She told me she has 2 other clients with autism but they are higher functioning then I am. That’s almost the type of comment you report a therapist for. But I don’t want to get a bad rap with this place. I swear the only legit people I have in my life is my family and MSF. I am questioning a lot of stuff right now that went on in the last 15 months and I was already heading for a breakdown before therapy today.

What's an MSF?

You told your therapist you wanted to stop seeing her yesterday, didn't you? She does sound odd, from your other post (on the Psychotherapy board).

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Ok. I finally told my mom about my Xanax problem. And she says I have to talk to my doctor about it tomorrow. She says I’m addicted and probably immune to it as well and that’s why I sometimes need 5 a day. I hope he’s understanding. I’m not sure what happened after my surgery and why I had a change in behavior. but I know my therapist is downright traumatizing me so I’m glad I am taking care of that. This is huge that I admitted my problem to my mom and that I’m going to finally talk to my doctor. I’m just going to be straight up blunt with him and say “I am addicted to my Xanax and I’m out of control with it.” Can he hospitalize me for that or send me to rehab?

I doubt he'll hospitalize you or send you to rehab. That would be extreme.

I'm really glad you told your mom about your Xanax problem. I agree with what she said.

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Originally Posted by raging vortex it is official. I am getting a baby box this time next friday!. super excited about it, in fact it's been a while since I've been excited about anything so much. I got a new chair today which hopefully is going to help with my back. it has more support, and this one does have arms so we'll see.... sounds promising.. rained all night yesterday, but it's what we needed to cool the humid air. think we might get some more rain today, still looks really cloudy

I didn't know the UK got humid. When I was in Ireland, the air was so fresh.

What's a baby box, rv?

YAY on the chair! That sounds divine.

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour ...We did eventually receive the document from my sister. ...

Finally!

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Originally Posted by Sapien ... Btw, anyone know what to say when you're calling a place to be evaluated to see if you have ADHD, like what do you ask? I'm used to showing up to a doctor's and being like "ow, my side," and them saying "kidney stone" not me showing up saying "evaluate me for kidney stones" that idea's just weird to me.

I would think you tell them just that...that you want to be evaluated for ADHD, and what does it involve.


Good luck with your second vax!

My therapist finally returned to work yesterday (she's often out sick because she has lung issues). I told her about the level of anxiety I'm still having (despite the AP increase). She knows that I'm using the techniques we work on in therapy (meditations, breathing, etc.)- said she thinks I either need a different AP or an increase in the perphenazine. I agree. I have an appointment with my pdoc this afternoon, so I'll be discussing this with her. I feel like something has broken in my brain.

The temperature today is predicted to be a high of 111 degrees. Yikes! Still, I'm going to try to walk the 2 blocks to the library to pick up a book...if it's dangerously hot to walk I'll drive over. As we say around here, "At least it's a dry heat..."

@Soupe du jour...Very cool news! I know you've been locked down tight for far too long. As you race across the Bohemian countryside, make sure you blast this song in the car at maximum volume!

MSF is my support forum. You guys.

After two nights with very very little sleep last night I got 4-5 hours. Weird cool dreams of course. Last night was the end of the world and survivors were gathering together at this building of hodgepodge material. Sort of like a bunch of square metal trellises put together with glass and fiberboard coverings. Not everyone spoke English so there was a lot of gestures and shrugging going on. There was a cool stove that had eight burners on three different levels .

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed MSF is my support forum. You guys.

Oh. Duh

Are any of these people just a little bit professional?!!!!? I talked with my Pdoc today. I told him my Xanax wasn’t working. I was out of control with it and taking 5 a day sometimes. I literally told him everything. Then he said “how about I switch you to Ativan? It works better and longer. I said “yeah whatever but how do I safely go off the Xanax and onto the Ativan?” He said it shouldn’t be a problem. Just take a Xanax and then take an Ativan. Wtf. Is it that easy??? I don’t think so.

But then it got worse. I told him about my new therapist. And he said that she is extremely unprofessional and wants me to stop seeing her ASAP. He said in the meantime would I be ok doing a few video sessions with my previous T. I said “I’d be ok. But I’m not sure about her” I swear this T is like being in a bad relationship. She’s toxic. Yet I desperately want to go back to her. Plus I’m not sure she’ll take me back with the transference that was going on. And if she says no that’s just gonna destroy me.

I feel soooo ****ed up right now.

@Mountaindewed

I cannot believe your pdoc recommended another benzo!!!!! He’s right, Ativan is better, but it’s just as addictive and you can easily overserve yourself with that too. I started to have a problem with Ativan but I stopped it right away once I realized because the absolute last thing I need is an addiction.

Your pdoc sounds like HE’S a bad influence too. And I’m sorry for that.

I realized today that I became obsessive about my weight loss and diet at around November. Like not to the point of an eating disorder but definitely disordered eating. I realized this because today I was incredibly depressed over the fact that I ate poorly in the evening. I was not expecting to go out to eat but RS wanted to go to an outdoor restaurant because it was so nice out. So all of a sudden I was faced with the challenge of finding something healthy at a restaurant not designed to be healthy. I ate a big burger. Well, half of it. But then I couldn’t sleep so around 11 I had to eat again. And I was so upset I had to eat again that I ate a whole bunch of m&ms too.

I don’t think it would have been so upsetting if we weren’t already planning to go out tonight to another unhealthy restaurant to celebrate my son’s last day of school. So I was freaked out about eating so poorly two days in a row that I just overate just to punish myself.

This is an important realization because I need to take immediate action. I have put away my scale and deleted my food diary app. I had already deleted the calorie counting app but even the food diary is triggering. I held my unicorn to help with the physical symptoms of the depression and spent the second group writing about 15 positive affirmations mainly telling myself that weight isn’t important right now. I’m going to still learn how to eat healthier just to fuel my body with more vitamins and nutrients that I need. I am planning to start practicing eating mindfully so I can prevent the binges.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed with how much needs to change in my mind.

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 .... Sometimes I get overwhelmed with how much needs to change in my mind.

Mine, too

I just feel lousy. I’m not sleeping, I’m fatigued, I hurt and I’m having gastrointestinal issues. I don’t handle being ill very well. Not in a poor me way but in a how dare you! way. My family is eating out tonight to see my nephew who is in the military before he leaves and to meet my niece’s fiancée and I’m not well enough to go. It’s a real bummer! I guess compassion is called for instead of trying to force myself better. Oh well! I’ll work on compassion and self love instead of anger and hope I get better soon.

I send hugs to all.

I also had my appointment with my primary half an hour after the Pdoc. I explained the abnormal bleeding. He gave me a referral to a gynecologist for an exam and an ultrasound. Said my uterus may be thickening. Which is what I thought too. If that’s the case I may be approved by my insurance for a hysterectomy since it would be medically necessary and I wouldn’t have to go through all the hoops if it wasn’t medically necessary. The referral is in my old state but I asked specifically for a person who is trans friendly. My doctor didn’t know anyone in my state but he knew about this doctor who’s in the same network. My mom said this doctor isn’t too far. The others were in the big hospitals in the city. But that’s if it’s not medical.

I just wish my Pdoc hadn’t brought up my old T. I think I’d be ok being on a waiting list and with the new meds. Also the bleeding was majorly stressing me out and now that I’m getting that taken care of I feel better.

But I feel really sick today and I can’t eat much and I had a ton of sudden diarrhea earlier. I wish I had mentioned this to someone. But my “period” is in 10 days and I often feel badly physically during my PMDD.

I just hope I didn’t wreck anything with all my melatonin,Xanax, and Advil. I really wish I had talked to my primary about this.

I was on Ativan a few times before and the last time I managed with being prescribed 15 a month. About 3 a week and it was all I needed. I was taken off it cold turkey one time, I think I was on 1 or 2 mil a day. I did ok with that and I had no withdrawals. I switched to visteril which worked for a few months but the side effects for the first 24 hours after I took one were bad. I tried 25 mil of visteril and it made me hungry and unable to lose weight no matter how hard I tried.

But yeah I was surprised he didn’t get pissed and yank me off off it and all he said was “how about we Ativan instead.”

My mental health providers are all wackos. My medical ones are good though.

I requested a refill of my meds and my pdoc says she wants to see me before she authorizes it. I only have 10 days left and she's in only twice a week, I hope I can get an appointment with her before I run out.

My anxiety is way up. It's been up for many months now but I think I need to make clear that I need help to cope with it.

I wear a Fitbit to track my sleep and activity and it has been congratulating me that I've had my heart rate at over 100 for a couple of hours each day. I didn't pay much attention to that for a while but when I looked back at what I was doing at the time, I wasn't doing anything at all. Just working or reading etc. And my heart is going over 100! I looked back at this and it has been going on for months!

I used to be on gabapentin but I don't like taking all those big pills 3-4 times a day. I really don't know what else she could do to help me, but I guess that's why she's the doctor. I also used to be on Ativan but I guess that's a benzo which I think they're cutting back on overall.

I'm sorry things are going poorly for you. Hopefully the new day will find you on the upswing. I can relate the the feelings you're experiencing due to lack of sleep. I've had two good nights, however, & some of the fatigue has lifted. I was up at 3:00 this morning again, though. I sincerely hope you can squeeze in one or two good nights of sleep so you can get back into the swing of life again. Missing out on your family gatherings must grate you, but you're right about showing yourself more compassion. Your attitude remains intact!

@Nammu...I know sleep has been eluding you, too. I hope this cycle ends soon. It seems so many of us are going through this right now. The summer solstice is Monday, so I'm somewhat convinced that might be messing with people's sleep rhythms.

@BethRags...Stay cool, woman...Stay cool! 111 degrees sounds absolutely brutal! The Giants are in first place, 2.5 games ahead of those fukking Dodgers! They're also riding a 4 game winning streak. You & your husband must be pretty happy about that. (BTW, I didn't get your @ message.)

Tomorrow is my nieces' (yes, plural) graduation party. It should be fun. My partner has today off work, so she'll put me to work vacuuming, steam cleaning carpets, etc. I need a kick in the pants sometimes. I don't know what things will be like when she retires on July 2. The pandemic was good practice for spending long periods of time together, though.

I did a lot of "appearance self-care" this morning to prepare for our little weekend trip. There's still more to do. As for mental self-care, it sure would be nice if the powers that be would help out a bit.

I got on the scale for the first time in ages and the reading was scary, but not terribly surprising. I must arrest this weight gain and eat and exercise better. I'm the highest I've been in almost 10 years. Only 12 lbs less than my lifetime high, when I was pre-diabetic and had very high triglycerides and high cholesterol. No fooling myself. It's getting dangerous.

My mini excitement for the day will be scaling, gutting, and butterflying small whole sardines, for the first time. I feel confident about it, after watching a good instructional video. I have fileted fish before, but techniques at handling them can vary a bit by fish. Yea, I'm sure others wouldn't derive as much pleasure from this. I also need to get Hubby to sharpen the knife. He thinks he's better at that than me. Likely is, but I don't like that task, anyway.

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Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I just feel lousy. I’m not sleeping, I’m fatigued, I hurt and I’m having gastrointestinal issues. I don’t handle being ill very well. Not in a poor me way but in a how dare you! way. My family is eating out tonight to see my nephew who is in the military before he leaves and to meet my niece’s fiancée and I’m not well enough to go. It’s a real bummer! I guess compassion is called for instead of trying to force myself better. Oh well! I’ll work on compassion and self love instead of anger and hope I get better soon. I send hugs to all.

I hope you're feeling better very soon